Quick Author's Note: This is the first fanfiction I've written in quite a few years, so please go easy on me. Also, you know what you're getting into with this ship, so no complaining about the brothers thing. On to the story.
Murtagh didn't know how he always ended up in these situations. It was like the universe was against him or something. How else would you explain the fact that he always seemed to run into his brother as he was walking out of the bathroom post-shower, hair rumpled and bare chested. Apparently Eragon didn't know how to put a shirt on before walking to his bedroom. It was enough to drive a nineteen-year-old crazy.
Sometimes Murtagh wondered if Eragon did it on purpose, if he somehow knew about Murtagh's less than brotherly feelings about him and, instead of being disgusted by it, felt the same way and was trying to cause all kinds of improper thoughts in his older brother's head. But he knew this was just wishful thinking. There was no way Eragon knew his deepest secret. It had been about a year since Murtagh realized his feelings for his sixteen-year-old brother and he had been very careful not to let it show. He didn't need a reason to be thrown out of his home again.
He sighed and ran his hands through his dark hair. It was getting long, almost brushing his shoulders. He would need to have it cut soon. Better to focus on that than the train of thought he was starting to go down. He didn't need to think about the reason why he was now living with the person who became the object of his affection instead of his asshole of a father. He sighed again and went back into his room, forgetting why he had left it in the first place. His brother was just too damn distracting.
Murtagh has just settled down on his bed and was about to open his laptop when there was a light knock on the door. 'Yeah?" he called out.
"Can I come in?" Murtagh was a bit surprised to hear Eragon's slightly muffled voice through the door. He had thought his brother had too much homework to work on after his shower and wouldn't be heard from for the rest of the night.
"Sure," he replied, setting his laptop down on the bed next to him. Browsing the internet could wait.
Eragon slowly pushed the door open and paused just inside the doorway, a nervous look on his face, like he was afraid to actually enter the room he had been in so many times over the past two years Murtagh had been living there. "Are you busy?"
"Not at all. What did you need?"
Eragon had still barely moved from the door. "I was wondering if you could help me with an assignment."
"Of course. But it'd be easier if you actually came in." Murtagh smiled at his brother, trying to make him feel more at ease.
It seemed to work. Eragon gave him a small smile back and crossed the room to sit on the opposite end of the bed facing his older brother. He looked down at his hands, still clearly nervous about something. Murtagh wondered what kind of assignment could get this reaction from him and was about to ask when Eragon finally spoke up.
"So you know how I'm in a mandatory health class this semester?" He paused while Murtagh nodded. "Well we've reached the unit on sexual orientation and gender identity."
"Okay?" Murtagh was still confused about why this topic was making Eragon so nervous. When he had moved in with his mom and brother, Eragon had already been out for a couple years and had nothing but support from his friends and family.
"Well," Eragon swallowed, "we have to interview someone with a different sexuality than us to learn about how their experience is different from our own. And since I'm gay, I could interview anyone I know who's straight, but I thought that would be boring, so…" he trailed off.
Murtagh finally understood his brother's nerves. "So you thought it'd be more interesting to interview me since I'm bisexual." He had known about his sexuality from a fairly young age but had only started coming out in the past few years. Seeing the welcoming environment Eragon lived in had made it easy for him to tell his brother and his mom not long after moving in with them. Telling his father had been a whole different story.
Eragon nodded. "But you can say no. I know that parts of it aren't easy for you to talk about and I wouldn't want to upset you just because I wanted a more interesting assignment."
Murtagh sat in thought for a minute. He knew Eragon truly wouldn't be upset with him if he didn't want to do it. That's just how his brother was, kind and understanding almost to a fault. And a small part of him wanted to say no, wanted to keep those memories tucked away as best as he could, but he knew that he'd have to tell the whole story someday. Might as well be now.
"I'll do it." Eragon's brown eyes lit up. "But on one condition," he saw his brother's face start to fall until he continued, "I want to be anonymous."
Eragon was quick to respond. "Yes, of course. My teacher even said we didn't have to identify the participant in our reports because she knows there are people who aren't ready to be publicly outed yet. So as long as I use your age and gender that will be enough for her."
"Alright then, I'm in. When did you want to do this?"
Eragon thought for a moment. "How about Saturday? You get off from work pretty early, right?" Murtagh worked at the bookstore in their local mall part time while in college and usually had the early shift on Saturdays.
"Yeah, that's fine." Saturday was three days away which gave him plenty of time to think about how much he was willing to talk about. He didn't know exactly what questions his brother would ask him, but he could figure out a rough idea of the kind of information he'd be looking for and plan out what he would say.
Eragon smiled at his brother, one of those blinding smiles that always left Murtagh temporarily breathless, and leaned forward to give him a quick hug. "Thanks!"
Murtagh savored the brief contact, wishing as always that it could last longer, that it could be more than just the typical affection between brothers. He fought back the flush he could feel rising on his cheeks, hoping that Eragon wouldn't notice when he pulled back, always too soon. He must've managed because his brother simply said good night and went back to his own room, completely oblivious to how a simple hug could affect his older brother. It was why Murtagh wasn't usually physically affectionate with his brother. Eragon might think he had issues with that kind of intimacy, but he had no problem showing affection with his friends or partners. He was just constantly aware of his unreturned feelings and was too afraid to accidentally show how deeply he cared. Picking up his laptop again, Murtagh decided to find something to watch to take his mind off his brother and the upcoming interview. He wasn't ready to think about it too hard just yet.
-:-
"Why did I agree to this?" Murtagh groaned and laid his head on the table at The Varden, the local café, where he was seated with his best friend, Thorn.
The redhead chuckled. "It won't be that bad."
Murtagh sighed. Eragon was going to interview him the next day and although he agreed to it, he was dreading the experience. There was only one person who knew his whole story and he was currently sitting across from him trying to be encouraging.
"It's not like any of the questions will make you accidentally spill your feelings for him," Thorn said. "And I'm sure if there's anything you really don't want to talk about he'll understand."
The dark-haired teen lifted his head. "That's part of the problem. I want to tell him everything. Other than you, I've never felt this close to anyone and I feel like he has a right to know what I've been through."
"Especially if you're ever gonna grow some balls and tell him how you feel." His friend winked.
"You know that will never happen. I don't want to ruin any part of what we have."
It was Thorn's turn to sigh. He knew it was unlikely that Eragon would feel the same way, but it killed him to see his friend so miserable and unable to move on. He could see the pain in his hazel eyes anytime the subject of his brother came up. But trying to convince Murtagh to do anything he didn't want to was pointless, so Thorn just tried to be as supportive as possible without pushing too hard.
"Well whether you're ever going to tell him or not, you need to be ready for this interview tomorrow. How much are you gonna talk about the dickhead?"
Murtagh knew exactly who Thorn was referring to. "Only as much as I have to."
Thorn nodded. "That's really going to be the hardest thing. Talking about your sexuality and how you figured it out and all that should be pretty easy. You've known for so long that it shouldn't be an issue."
"It's just the Morzan stuff that will be oh so fun." Murtagh surprised himself a bit when he said his father's name. He usually preferred to refer to him by not so kind nicknames and expletives.
"I bet you'll feel better once it's over with."
"Hopefully." He gave Thorn a small smile and stood up. "I should probably head home. Early morning tomorrow and I doubt I'll get much sleep."
Thorn stood up as well and placed a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder. "It's gonna be fine."
"If you say so. I'll see you later." Murtagh walked out of the café and got into his car, trying to believe what his friend had said. Too bad it was easier said than done.
-:-
"What am I gonna do?" Eragon groaned into his cell phone. He flopped back on his bed, narrowly missing the wall as his head landed on the pillows.
"You're the one who asked him to do the interview," his best friend, Saphira, responded. "So why are you flipping out?"
"You know why." He squeezed his eyes shut and pinched his nose.
"Do I?" Saphira asked with a small laugh.
Eragon groaned again. He knew his blonde friend was just teasing him, but this was a sensitive subject and she knew it. The teasing was a small price to pay for her support since she was the only one who knew about his feelings for his brother, but that didn't mean he had to like it. "Yes, you do know. You know how potentially weird this could get. Why did I have to try to make my assignment more interesting?"
"Because you've never done the bare minimum when it comes to your schoolwork?" Eragon could hear her grin through the phone. They had been best friends since they were five and Saphira knew he had never been one to slack off or take the easy way out.
"Right now I'm wishing I didn't care so much. Who needs good grades anyways?"
Saphira heard his sigh and laughed. "You wouldn't be you if you didn't care so much. It's why your friends and family love you."
He knew she wasn't trying to remind him of his predicament, but Eragon couldn't help but think of a certain family member and how he would never feel the same kind of love for his younger brother as Eragon did for him. He figured he was cursed. He finally fell in love and it was with someone who would never love him in that way. He just needed to stop thinking about it and get through his assignment.
Eragon was about to reply with a sarcastic comment when he heard a door shut down the hall. "I'll talk to you later, Saph. Murtagh just got home and we never agreed on a time for tomorrow. I'm not sure when exactly he gets off work."
"Alright then. Good luck tomorrow!"
"Thanks, I'll need it," he mumbled.
"I heard that! It'll all be okay." Saphira tried to send comforting vibes through the phone before saying goodbye.
Eragon slipped his phone into the pocket of his gray sweatpants and tugged down his blue t-shirt as he got up off his bed. He hesitantly walked down the hallway until he found himself in front of the closed door that led to Murtagh's room. Remembering how he was in the same exact position just a few days ago, he knocked quietly.
Eragon heard movement coming from the other side of the door, and then suddenly it was pulled open and Murtagh was there, wearing only a loose-fitting pair of plaid pajama pants. Eragon mentally cursed; he must've interrupted his brother while he was changing. Now he had to attempt to focus while Murtagh's bare chest was right in front of his face. He just stood there for a moment, trying to remember why he had knocked on the door in the first place.
Murtagh noticed his hesitation and asked, "Can I help you?"
Eragon blushed and recalled why he was in this position. "I was just wondering what time you get off work tomorrow? We never said what time would be good for that interview."
Murtagh paused for a moment to think. "Well I get off at 2:00, so wanna say 3:00? That'll give me time to come home, change, and just relax for a bit before we dive in."
His brother nodded. "That works for me." He was still a bit dazed by the sight of his shirtless brother in front of him; it wasn't something he saw often, and he knew he wouldn't be able to get the image out of his head for a while.
"Did you need anything else?" Murtagh asked, noticing his brother wasn't moving or saying anything.
Eragon swallowed and looked down. "No, that's it. I'll let you get to bed."
"Are you sure there's nothing wrong?"
He looked back up and met his brother's hazel eyes. "Everything's fine, Murtagh."
The older brother just raised an eyebrow in response.
This made Eragon crack a smile. "I promise I'm fine. Just your average teenage stress."
Murtagh placed a hand on Eragon's shoulder. "But you know if it's ever more than that, you can come to me. I know we haven't known each other for very long, but I'm here for you, for anything you might need."
"I know, 'Tag. Thanks." If he couldn't feel the heat through his shirt, Eragon wouldn't believe that his brother had actually touched him. He couldn't remember the last time Murtagh had been the one to initiate any physical contact between them. It was probably around the time he had moved in with them.
The hand was removed and Eragon almost sighed at the loss. His brother said good night and after saying it back, he went back to his room, trying not to dread the next day too much.
-:-
"Ready to do this?"
Murtagh wasn't even a little bit ready, but he had agreed, so here he was. It was a beautiful fall day, so they were sitting at the picnic table in their backyard. It was so warm he wasn't sure he needed the maroon hoodie he had put on before going outside, but it brought him comfort and a place to hide his hands if he got nervous.
"Murtagh?"
Oh right, Eragon had asked him a question. "Yes, I'm ready. Let's do it."
His brother cleared his throat. "Alright, first question. And I know it's a bit of a cliché one, but when did you know?"
Murtagh smiled. This was an easy one. "I sort of knew when I was probably eight or nine. All the boys were chasing the girls, and I did too a bit, but I also wanted to chase the boys in that same way. I didn't really think much of it until high school and I got hit with my first real crushes. Twin brother and sister."
Eragon laughed. "I guess there was no denying it then?"
He shook his head. "Not for me, no. I didn't know there was a word for it until about a year later, and since then that's what I've identified as." He paused. "Is that enough of an answer? I could go a little more into detail, talk about my middle school years."
"No, that's great." He finished writing down Murtagh's answer. "Ready for the next one?"
"Hit me." The sun chose that moment to come out from behind a cloud and the light made Eragon's brown hair shine. He was so distracted he almost didn't hear the question.
"Who did you come out to first?"
Another easy one. "Thorn. We've been friends since we were ten and he's the only person I've ever been able to completely trust." He quickly realized how that sounded and before his brother could react he said, "Not that I don't trust you. I've just known him so much longer and he's known all my secrets for years." Including one secret he would never tell anyone else.
Eragon gave him a small smile and his heart skipped a beat. "It's okay, I get it. We've only known each other for a couple years. It takes time for you to get to that point with people."
Murtagh couldn't help but smile back. "So I'm sure someday you'll know everything too."
"Only what you want to tell me. I know everybody has their secrets they don't want to share with just anyone and I would never pressure you in any way."
His brother really was too kind for his own good. "What's the next question?"
"Did anyone you came out to have a negative reaction?"
And there it was. The question he had been dreading. It was now or never.
"One person. My father. Our father." He stopped, unsure of how to continue.
"What happened?"
Murtagh took a deep breath. There was no turning back now. "I know you never knew him. You were so young when Mom left and took you with her, and I haven't really talked about him at all. It didn't seem important, you know? You're never going to see him so why should it matter? Things could've been worse, but that doesn't mean they were necessarily good. I never told you or Mom this, but my coming out is the reason why I had to leave and move in with you guys."
Eragon's eyebrows shot up. "His reaction was that bad?"
"Not everybody can be surrounded by love and support like you were."
Eragon looked at him with concern in his warm brown eyes. "He didn't hurt you, did he?"
He shook his head. "No, no physical pain was inflicted. There are only emotional scars here."
Eragon reached across the table to touch his hand. "Sometimes that can be worse."
"Honestly I shouldn't have been surprised by his reaction." He pulled his hand out from under his brother's and stuck it in the pocket of his sweatshirt. Eragon looked a bit hurt by this, but he couldn't get distracted right now. He had to get the rest of this out while he still had a bit of courage left.
"Morzan wasn't the nicest of guys in general, but he made his homophobic nature clear to me a long time ago. I was lucky enough to surrounded by friends and authority figures who showed me a different way, otherwise I probably would've ended up hating myself when I realized my attraction for men. It's also a lot easier to not believe what someone says when they're a straight up asshole." He shrugged. "Anyways, the dickhead never let an opportunity to make his feelings about gay people known go by. It didn't matter if it was on tv or in public, Morzan always had something to say about how they were nasty and unnatural."
"If you knew how he felt, why bother telling him? Why not just say nothing, and then live your life when you moved out?" Eragon asked.
"I'm really not sure. He had the news on one day and there was some story about some country finally legalizing same sex marriage and he started on one of his tirades. Maybe I thought he would feel differently if it was his own kid. Maybe I thought it would shut him up. Maybe I just wanted to see what he'd say. Whatever the reason, I just blurted it out. 'I'm bisexual, Dad,' I said, just like that. No introduction, no 'I have something to tell you,' just the words. I've never seen him stop talking so fast." He closed his eyes, remembering the shock and disgust on his father's face after his announcement. "He was in my face two seconds later, ranting about how no son of his would be a cocksucking faggot." Murtagh laughed bitterly as he remembered how he had responded to that. "I told him that I absolutely sucked cock and I was pretty good at it too. Not sure where I got the balls to say that, but he was not happy. I'm seriously surprised he didn't try to hit me. He just started screaming at me to get out of his house and not to come back until I was 'normal.' So I went upstairs, packed a bag, and came here. And you know the rest."
Eragon didn't say anything. Murtagh could tell he was processing everything he had been told, so he didn't try to say anything else for the moment. A couple minutes passed by and his brother finally spoke. "I'm sorry."
Murtagh smiled at him. "It was two years ago. I barely think about it anymore. You and Mom were so kind and supportive when I told you, and that's what really matters."
"Well it would've been a little hypocritical of me to not react positively," Eragon responded with a small laugh.
Murtagh shrugged. "You'd be surprised how much biphobia exists among both gay and straight people."
"Speaking of that, can we move on to the rest of the questions? If you're okay to?"
He nodded. "We got the hardest one out of the way, so let's just bang out the rest." He cursed inwardly at his poor choice of words, but his brother clearly didn't notice anything. He just moved on to the next question and Murtagh was happy to answer, feeling just a little bit lighter with one secret off his chest.
-:-
"So how did it go?" Saphira asked, leaning back on Eragon's navy blue comforter. The two friends were sitting on his bed the next day. They were supposed to be doing homework, but Eragon knew that wouldn't happen until he filled her in on everything.
He shrugged. "It was fine. He answered all my questions, and I have plenty to use in my assignment."
The blonde sat back up and stared at her best friend with piercing blue eyes. "That's it? That's all you have to say?"
"What else do you want me to say?"
She groaned in frustration. "I want details. What did you ask him? Can I read the answers?"
Eragon laughed at her nosiness. "No, you cannot read the answers. Some of it is stuff I don't think he'd want just anyone knowing. That's why he asked to be anonymous when I write it up."
Saphira pouted. "Can't you tell me anything?"
"What do you want to know?"
He regretted asking when he saw a mischievous gleam in her eyes. "Did he say anything that might indicate the possibility of having feelings for you?"
He rolled his eyes. "You know that's never gonna happen, Saph."
She punched him lightly on the arm. "You never know. Stop being so negative and answer my question."
"Well…," he paused to think of something that might be of interest to his friend. "He said that he has a slight preference for men," her eyes lit up, "but that doesn't mean that he'd be interested in me that way. Just means in general he tends to prefer dudes. Doesn't mean he couldn't end up with a woman or nonbinary person someday."
It was Saphira's turn to roll her eyes. "That's all you're gonna tell me?"
He shrugged. "I don't really know what you want me to tell you."
"He didn't do or say anything that might hint at potential feelings for you?" She asked again with a raised eyebrow.
Eragon remembered his brother pulling away from his touch. "Nothing."
Saphira sighed. "I guess we'll just have to figure it out another way."
"And what if there's nothing to figure out?"
"You need to know one way or the other. You can't just keep silently pining away forever." She laid a hand on his arm, trying to offer some support.
He leaned back, staring at the ceiling. "I know, Saphira, but I don't know what you want me to do about it. I've been trying to ignore these feelings for over a year, and they just won't go away."
His friend hesitated for a moment before responding. "You could always tell him. Then you'd know for sure."
Eragon shot back up. "No. No way. How could you even suggest that?"
"Wouldn't it be better than not knowing?"
He shook his head. "I'd rather not know and have him still be willing to speak to me instead of disowning me out of disgust."
"I'm pretty sure he wouldn't do that. I know you might not see it, but Murtagh cares about you more than anyone. Even Thorn. He wouldn't stop caring because of something you can't help." Even as she said the words, she knew they wouldn't convince him. Eragon was just too stubborn and stuck in his own head.
"If he cares so much about me, why did he pull away when I touched him yesterday, huh?" He hadn't thought that one little thing had bothered him that much, but clearly it did.
Saphira's blue eyes became thoughtful. "You know he's not big on physical contact in general. Maybe he was just nervous about the interview and wasn't in the mood?"
Eragon had to admit that that did sound like his brother. Especially since he was in the midst of revealing something very personal when it happened. Maybe Saphira was on to something. But that didn't change anything. "Either way, I'm not telling him and that's final."
Saphira knew when she was fighting a losing battle. "Alright, fine. I'll let it go for now. But you have to do something about this at some point."
"Whatever you say," he said, humoring her. "Should we get started on this work now that you're done being nosy?"
She playfully smacked his arm. "I'm not nosy!"
"Whatever you say," he said again with a laugh and flipped open his textbook.
-:-
It had been three days since the interview, and Murtagh wasn't sure if he was glad he had done it. At first, it had felt good to talk about his past with his brother, to get it all out there, but now he felt more burdened than ever before. It was easier to keep his feelings for Eragon a secret when there were other things he wasn't telling, but with everything else out in the open he felt more trapped.
He thought he heard footsteps approaching his door and prepared himself for the possibility that it would be Eragon coming to see him, then sighed in relief when the sound kept moving further down the hall. He really wasn't in the mood for company at the moment, but he knew it would be hard to say no to his brother if he needed something. Eragon was just too irresistible for his own good.
Murtagh's head fell onto his desk where he had been trying to get some homework done. Every time he tried to focus on something, he was distracted by thoughts of his brother and how soft his hair looked, how enchanting his eyes were, how those lips would feel on his –
His head jerked up and he slapped himself lightly in the face. "Snap out of it," he mumbled to himself, getting aggravated that he couldn't control his thoughts for more than five minutes at a time. He sometimes wished he had never put himself in this situation, that he had just sucked things up for a little longer until he could've moved out of his father's house on his own terms. Then maybe he never would've met Eragon and he'd never have had to deal with these feelings that were slowly driving him insane.
As soon as he thought that he knew that he wouldn't change a thing. Moving in with his mom and his brother was the best thing that ever happened to him. He was finally with people who actually cared for him and treated him like a person, not a problem. One complication was worth the peace he felt in that house. He just hoped he could do something about his feelings for Eragon before they ruined everything.
-:-
Murtagh really was cursed. Once again, he had stepped out of his room, this time to head to the kitchen for a snack, and there was his brother with no shirt on and his skin flushed from the hot water. He swore Eragon was going to be the death of him one of these days. He could only have this happen so many times before he wouldn't be able to control himself any longer. Even now, the idea of pushing his brother up against the wall and marking his lightly tanned chest wouldn't leave him alone.
He quickly averted his eyes and stalked down the stairs to the kitchen, no longer hungry but needing to get away from the temptation before it could no longer be resisted. He was about to open the door to the fridge when he heard footsteps behind him. He cursed under his breath and turned around to see Eragon had followed him into the room and was reaching up in a cabinet, his blue sweatpants sliding down his hips a bit from the movement. Murtagh suppressed a groan and moved to leave. He was almost to the doorway when he was stopped by a voice behind him. "Did I do something wrong?"
He turned to face his brother and said, "No. Why would you think that?"
Eragon narrowed his eyes. "Maybe because you've been avoiding me for the past week."
This made Murtagh stop and think. Had he been avoiding him? He tried to remember when the last time they had seen each other in more than just passing and realized it had been when they had sat down for the interview the previous weekend. He hadn't been consciously avoiding him; he had just wanted to spend some time on his own now that he only had one secret left from his brother and it was the one that could do the most damage. "I'm not avoiding you," he said after a moment.
"Bullshit you aren't." Eragon rarely cursed, so when he did Murtagh took it seriously.
He tried to diffuse the situation. "Eragon, I promise that wasn't my intent-"
"Don't lie to me!" There was a mix of hurt and anger in his eyes that Murtagh hadn't seen before and it saddened him to know that he was the cause. He had been trying to protect the relationship they had built, but he had made things worse instead.
Murtagh was about to respond when he heard the front door open and their mother walked in, calling out a hello as she did. Murtagh responded automatically, but Eragon simply pushed past him out of the room. He heard his brother run up the stairs as Selena entered the kitchen. She looked at him in confusion, clearly knowing something was going on between her sons but not the specifics. She started to ask him what was wrong, brushing a piece of light brown hair out of her face, but he cut her off. "Please don't worry about this. I'll go talk to him once he's had a bit of time to cool down. You know how Eragon gets when he's worked up."
She smiled and reached out to touch her oldest son's cheek. "I do indeed. And I know that you two will work out whatever this is. You've grown much closer in this short time than I expected."
Murtagh wondered what she'd think if she knew just how close he wanted to get to his brother. He simply nodded and promised her everything would be fine before going back up to his room. He looked at the closed door down the hall and sighed, wishing things hadn't gotten so complicated.
-:-
"What's wrong?" Thorn asked as soon as he answered the call.
"What makes you think something's wrong? Can't I just want to talk to my oldest friend?" It was about an hour after his altercation with Eragon and Murtagh still didn't know how he was going to approach his brother to try and fix it.
He heard the redhead snort through the phone. "We may be old friends, but you never just call me out of the blue unless there's a problem."
He wanted to deny it, but he knew Thorn was right. In fact, the last time he had called Thorn like this was the day he realized he was falling in love with his brother. That hadn't been a particularly fun conversation. "Okay, fine, you're right."
"That's what I thought." His smugness was clear. "It's about Eragon, isn't it?"
Murtagh sighed and leaned back against the wall. "Of course it is."
"What happened? You said the interview went fine."
"It did. But since that I've kind of been spending a lot of time on my own and he thinks I've been avoiding him."
"Have you been?" Thorn asked.
"Not intentionally. And no rolling your eyes, I'm being serious. I wasn't trying to avoid him. I just wanted some time to see if I can figure out how to ignore my feelings for him. I didn't realize what I was doing until he just blew up at me."
"Did you apologize to him?" He already knew the answer, but he still had to ask.
"I would've if our mom hadn't chosen that moment to come home and interrupt."
Thorn chuckled. "Sure you would've."
Murtagh narrowed his eyes even though his friend couldn't see him. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"We all know apologizing isn't something you're very good at," he replied with another laugh.
"Hey, I can do it when necessary. I just don't like saying I'm sorry when I don't mean it. Now can we get back on topic please?"
"We are on topic. You need to apologize to Eragon."
Murtagh let out another sigh. "Yes, I know that. But I don't know how to explain myself without telling him everything." He heard Thorn about to interrupt and kept going. "And no, I'm not telling him. I also don't want to lie and make everything worse. So how am I supposed to do this? I can't have him hate me." He remembered the look in his brother's eyes in the kitchen. He never wanted to see him look like that again, and especially not because of him.
"He's not going to hate you. Even if he doesn't feel the same way you do he still cares about you. Why else would he get so angry about you possibly avoiding him for a week? It wouldn't matter if he didn't care." Thorn wasn't often very insightful or emotionally mature but when he was he had a tendency of hitting the nail on the head.
"So what you're saying is I should go talk to him?" He didn't even know why he asked when he knew what the answer would be.
"Yes. Start with 'I'm sorry' and see where it goes from there. I'm not gonna try and force you to tell him everything right now, but you need to at least do that."
"Yes sir," he replied with a small laugh.
"Oh shut up," Thorn growled. "Go get it over with before you chicken out."
Murtagh started to protest that he wasn't a coward, but his friend had hung up before he got the chance. He sighed one more time before getting up off his bed and heading to his brother's room.
He felt strangely nervous as he stood in front of his brother's door preparing himself to knock. How many times had he done this in the past two years? If he was honest with himself, it had been less and less since he had realized his feelings. It was more likely for Eragon to come to him lately if they were going to spend time together, something he was sure the younger one had noticed. No wonder he was so angry after a week of barely any interaction. He was probably fed up with always having to be the one to reach out. Murtagh could understand that. He took a deep breath and knocked twice.
-:-
Eragon was curled up on his bed clutching his pillow to his chest when he heard the knocks. "Who is it?" he called, hoping it wasn't his mom. He really didn't feel talking to her about why he was upset at the moment.
"It's me. Can I come in?" He was surprised that his brother sounded nervous.
He sat up and put his pillow to the side as he answered. "Yeah, sure."
The door opened slowly and Murtagh took two quick steps into the room before closing the door quietly behind him. "Can we talk?" he asked.
Eragon shrugged. "Depends on what you want to talk about." He knew he was being petty, but he was still feeling hurt and he wanted his brother to know that.
"Can I sit?" Murtagh asked, gesturing towards the bed.
He nodded and moved over a bit to give his brother some room. He watched as the older teen settled himself on the bed and waited for him to start talking. Murtagh was fidgeting with the sleeves of his gray shirt, something he only did when he was truly nervous. Eragon wondered what could be causing him so much anxiety, but he knew he had to let his brother speak in his own time.
After a few more minutes of waiting, Murtagh finally said something. "I'm sorry if you thought I was avoiding you. I wasn't doing it on purpose."
Eragon raised an eyebrow. "So you accidentally barely talked to me or looked at me for a week?" He tried not to sound too angry since his brother was actually trying to apologize, but he couldn't keep all of the edge out of his voice.
Murtagh made sure to make eye contact with him as he responded. "I promise I wasn't trying to do that to you. I needed some time to myself, to think about some things and figure some stuff out."
Normally he'd be left in a daze by those hazel eyes, but not this time. "You're being so vague. How am I supposed to believe you?"
The eyes turned pleading. "Please don't make me explain. Please just trust that I wasn't trying to hurt you."
Eragon allowed a little more venom to seep into his voice. "Well you did hurt me. I thought you trusted me, that you would come to me if there was something bothering you. I guess I was wrong."
Murtagh looked offended by what he said. "Of course I trust you. But there are some things I can't tell you. You said yourself last week that you understood if I couldn't tell you everything. Was that a lie?"
He was surprised his brother had remembered him saying that. "It wasn't a lie. I just didn't think what you can't tell me would make you treat me this way." He knew he was acting like a jilted lover, but at that moment he didn't care. The person he cared about the most was keeping something from him and it was making him act differently. He needed to know what it was.
"If I promise to never avoid you again, will you let this go?"
"How can I believe that you'll keep that promise?" He knew he was being ridiculous, that until now he never had a reason to not trust Murtagh, but he couldn't stop himself.
Murtagh clearly felt uncomfortable with the way the conversation was going. "I understand that you're angry with me, you have every right to be, but I need you to put that aside and just trust that I'm going to do everything I can to not hurt you like that again. I'd rather die than know I caused you pain."
Eragon didn't know how to respond to that. He had never heard his brother talk like that about anyone or anything. "Why?" he blurted out. "I'm nothing special."
Murtagh smiled sadly. "Oh Eragon, don't you know how important you are to me? How special you are?"
Eragon was confused. "What are you talking about? I'm just your brother that you only met a couple years ago. I'm sure you have people more important to you than me."
Murtagh leaned forward slowly and placed a hand on the back of his brother's neck. "You're everything to me," he said quietly before capturing Eragon's lips in a soft kiss.
-:-
When Murtagh entered his brother's room, he wasn't sure what to except. He had hoped that Eragon would just accept his apologies and promises without asking for further explanation, but he should've known better. One thing they both inherited from their asshole of a father was the ability to hold grudges, so it wasn't surprising that Eragon didn't want to forgive him right away. What was surprising was that his brother didn't think he was important. How had Murtagh let that happen? How had he let the person he cared for most think he didn't matter? And so he did the only thing he could think of to prove how important his brother really was to him.
Slowly, so slowly, he allowed himself to move closer to Eragon. When his brother didn't move away, he reached for him, cupping the back of his neck to hold him in place, and did what he had been yearning to do for too long now.
When his lips made contact with his brother's, he was fully prepared to be pushed away. He was putting everything on the line and knew that after this there was no turning back. What he never expected was to feel Eragon kissing him back. He pulled away after just a few seconds, needing to know he wasn't just imagining it. He looked at his brother and saw a mix of surprise and something else Murtagh couldn't quite place, but no disgust, no anger, none of the feelings he had been anticipating. Afraid that words would fail him, he went in for another kiss.
This time there was no denying that his brother was responding, moving his lips in sync with his, groaning when Murtagh slipped his tongue into his mouth, winding his fingers into his hair. Maybe he wouldn't get it cut just yet, he thought. As their kisses deepened, he gently pushed Eragon down onto his back and hovered over him, afraid that too much contact between their bodies would destroy the tiny bit of self-control he had left. Their tongues caressed and teased each other, and when the younger brother let out another groan, Murtagh pulled back.
Eragon sat up, looking at him with confusion. "Why did you –"
Murtagh cut him off with one more quick kiss. "Mom is downstairs. Can't have you getting too loud."
"Shit," he said under his breath. Before the older brother could say anything else, he turned bright red. "Wait, what just happened?"
Murtagh laughed quietly. "I guess we've both been keeping a secret, huh?"
Eragon tried to respond, but all he could do was stutter. "But you – I don't – What – I don't understand."
"I'll admit this is not what I thought would happen when I came here to apologize. In fact, I told Thorn I definitely wasn't telling you."
"Telling me what? I don't understand. Why did you –" He paused, unsure if he should continue.
"Why did I kiss you?" Murtagh finished for him.
He swallowed. "Yeah. That."
He reached out to ruffle Eragon's hair. "Why do you think?"
He was silent for a moment, clearly thinking before he said anything. "The only reason I can think of is that you have those kinds of feelings for me, but that can't be possible."
Murtagh crossed his arms in front of his chest. "And why is that not possible?"
"Well because… because I'm the one with those kinds of feelings for you. But you aren't supposed to feel that way about me. I'm supposed to be the freak." He looked down at his hands in his lap.
"What if we're both freaks?" he replied with a smile. Eragon just admitted that he had romantic feelings for him, Murtagh couldn't believe it. He had never imagined it would play out this way, and now that it had he wasn't quite sure how to proceed. What did you do when the one thing you've ever truly wished for came true?
Eragon looked up, chocolate brown eyes meeting hazel. "Does that mean what I think it means?"
Murtagh wrapped one arm around his brother's shoulders and pulled him against his side. "That depends. Do you think it means I love you?" He couldn't believe how easily the words came out after keeping the secret for so long.
"And that I love you," he replied in a low voice, as if he was afraid to say it.
He placed a kiss on Eragon's forehead. It surprised him how natural it felt, how happy he was that he could interact with his brother the way he had longed to. And instead of recoiling from him, Eragon leaned into his touch, clearly wanting it just as much as he did. He placed a hand under his brother's chin, lifting his head up for another kiss.
Eragon shifted under his arm to try and get a better angle to kiss back. He reached up and tangled a hand in Murtagh's dark hair again, at the same time opening his mouth for his brother's probing tongue. But before things could start to get heated again, Murtagh pulled back, causing him to sigh in disappointment.
Murtagh laughed at his reaction. "There will be time for more of that later I'm sure," he said. "But right now we have to talk about a couple things."
"Like what?" he asked. At the moment he couldn't think about anything but kissing Murtagh again.
"Like what do we do now?"
"What do you mean?" He looked up at his brother and tried to read his expression.
"Well did you ever tell anyone about how you feel for me?"
Eragon nodded. "Saphira knows. And she's been surprisingly supportive. What about you?"
"I told Thorn, who was also very supportive but that's no surprise to me. Are you going to tell her about what's happened tonight?"
"I think if I didn't and she found out on her own she'd kill me, so I'll have to." He could picture her reaction clearly in his mind.
"And Thorn never wants to miss out on a chance to say 'I told you so,' so I'll be telling him as well."
Eragon laughed. "I can't picture him being like that."
Murtagh smiled. "Oh he is. Just don't tell him I told you that."
"I won't."
"There's one more thing I think we need to talk about." Murtagh suddenly looked serious.
"What is it?" He couldn't figure out why his brother's mood changed so fast.
"Mom."
"Oh." Now he understood. "What do we do?"
Murtagh ran a hand through his hair. "Nothing for now, I guess. We don't tell her anything yet. Or maybe ever. How the hell do you tell a mother that her sons are in love with each other?"
Eragon shook his head, uncomfortable with where the conversation had gone. "I don't know. But we can't keep it from her forever, can we?"
Murtagh sighed. "Not forever, no. But for at least a little while? I think we have to." He gave Eragon a small smile. "I didn't mean to be a buzzkill, but I figured we should probably start thinking about this now instead of later."
"It's okay, I get it," he said. "But can we come back to this later? I'd kind of like to just enjoy this moment for now."
"Yeah, of course. Now come here." He leaned back until he was laying with his head on the pillows and pulled Eragon down to lay with his head on Murtagh's chest. They stayed like that, comforted by each other's presence until they drifted off to sleep, unsure about the future but content for the moment.