Disclaimer: Don't own anything…..It all belongs to Watsuki-san…..
Sleepless Nights
I don't even remember how it started. I think it was another one of those many nights that I couldn't sleep and after several hours of staring at the ceiling, I must have decided to walk around the Aoiya gardens for a bit.
His lamp was still lit when I walked past his door. I walked to the door and slid it open thinking maybe he forgot to put it out before sleeping but he wasn't asleep. He was kneeling next to the futon, sitting as though he was meditating. I walked in and kneeled in front of him. He looked up….
We must have sat there till dawn, not saying a word. I remember there was a time when it was impossible for me to sit still and do that but it has been years since I was that young and carefree. We didn't need words that night….it was enough to look on each other and take comfort.
Maybe it's the fear that I'll wake up and find myself all alone in the world that keeps me from sleeping. I don't know anymore. All I know is that I don't want to be alone again…so, it was no surprise that it happened again a few nights later. What did surprise me though was that his lamp was on again that night. At the time, I thought maybe it was just by chance that he was awake again. But when I saw that his lamp was lit almost every night I passed by, I knew it was no chance occurrence. He had never slept much and it was quite possible that meditating late into the night was common for him. But I had never seen his lamp on before and I had walked past his room countless times on the nights I couldn't sleep. Perhaps he left the lamp on for me. Perhaps he realized that I needed someone to chase away the nightmares and the loneliness that haunted me. Perhaps he needed me to do the same for him.
I can't sleep again tonight. I had a nightmare and woke up to images of seeing my parents being cut down, of running and running and running till my clothes were torn & my hands and knees are scraped from countless falls, of seeing a tall, dark haired boy pick me up as I lay under a bush too tired to move. It has been many years since I was that child but on nights such as this I still wake with the fear that I am once again alone in the world. And then I remember all the people I have lost.
I know I will not get to sleep again tonight. I leave my room and walk down the hallway. There is moonlight streaming in from an open window. It is quiet but that is no surprise. There are not many of us left here at the Aoiya now. Some have married, some have moved and some have passed on. I reach his door and his light is on again. I slide open his door and enter. He is kneeling next to the futon as he always does. I walk over and kneel in front of him just as he raises his eyes to mine…..
There are times I stay till I fall asleep on his futon. There are times I sit watching him watching me till dawn. And then, there are the times when he speaks to me. So softly that I can barely hear him, he tells me of his past.
He is still haunted by it. Still haunted by the past, by the battles he fought, by the mistakes he made, by the men he killed, by the men he tried to protect but couldn't. It is one of those things that will never leave him. He will always remember his past; it is as much a part of him as the blue of his eyes and the black of his hair but I hope one day, he can put it behind him and move on. I cannot presume to understand what he feels. I cannot change the past. I can only offer comfort and so I do in the only way I know. I sit with him late into the night, watching him and trying to drive away the nightmares and the ghosts of his past that come to haunt him.
He never speaks of what he thinks of this arrangement we have. He has never once said that he wanted or needed it. But then, he never said that he didn't either. That is enough for me. What I see in his eyes is enough. His eyes tell so much that he will never be able to say. They tell of how he still suffers the guilt of the choices he made in the past. They tell how much he wants me there with him in the night to ward away the nightmares. They tell how much he needs me. And most of all, they tell why he can never speak of how much I mean to him, how much he cares for me and how there will never be another woman for him.
It is enough for me to know that. Just as it is enough for him to know from my eyes how I love him and how I will wait for him till he is ready to put the past behind him and lay his ghosts to rest.
As long as he is here with me, I will not be alone. And so I wait and I watch and I offer what comfort I can. I do as I have done for years before and as I will for years to come…..and sometimes, he smiles.
A/N: I'd love for you to leave a review telling me what you thought!