I own nothing. Everything in this story belongs to the creator of Orange is the New Black and Netflix
Nikki had told me about a party they are throwing for her. Asked me if I was going. I wasn't asked. I am devastated that I wasn't invited but I understand why I wasn't. People at this point cannot stand me, hell I can't stand me at the moment. I've become a vile person. I destroyed my relationship with Alex, whom has been acting incredibly strange, and I've noticed her hanging around Red more. I keep trying to get her to talk to me, but, it's pointless she wants nothing to do with me. I get it.
Thanks to the stupid task force I created, my business had to be shut down. I would've liked to at least make the money I lost to Stella back before having to shut down but I'll have to find another way to pay them. To keep it from falling on me I framed Ruiz. She's pissed and I know, plotting her revenge whatever it is I deserve it. I'm alone, finally I was able to shake the members of the task force I had created. They are trying to turn it into a white power group. It's making me increasingly uncomfortable.
I hear the music coming from the common room. I know I wasn't invited but the selfish part of me is already in motion. I want to be alone but, also afraid to be alone. As I step in I notice Doggett. I start nodding my head to the beat of the music.
"Oh, wow. This is great." I state with a smile as I continue to scan the room. "Does Piscatella know about this?" I ask turning to look at Doggett.
"Why, you gonna rat us all out?" Doggett fires back.
"No…" I say but before I can add more Boo comes forward.
"Here you go my dear. Grape Kool-aid." She states handing the cup to Doggett.
I smile and step forward leaning over the cups slightly. "Aha, is there any alcohol in that?" I playfully question as I look into the cup.
Boo slightly sneers at me as she answers "Would you like a taste test, or will the task force be by later to take a urine sample?"
I shake my head. "I am not the enemy Boo. I am your friend." I say trying. But it's pointless.
Boo slightly shakes her finger. "Labor and capital can never really be friends. Just fuck buddies." She spits as she then turns to Doggett. "Let's go." I then watch as they walk away from me.
It is then that I see her. Alex is making her way towards me. Her head somewhat down and her expression unreadable to me. Which I hate because we've always been able to read each other.
"Hey, Vause" I say trying to get her to look at me. It works she looks up but she isn't smiling.
"Hey" she says in return. However before I can say anything else she shuts me down. "Sorry, I'm leaving." She says and continues to slowly move
"That's cool. I'll just party by myself." I finish as she is now gone and out the door. I am now totally alone. I grab a glass of Kool aid, I take a sip. It's refreshing. I look and spot Gina playing with an Ipod. I try to have a conversation with her, but again I am quickly shut down. So I walk away with my cup of Kool aid.
I then see Hapakuka coming towards me. I am honestly happy to see her unhurt. I have been horrible to her. At least she is still talking to me, I think as I then start a conversation with her. I apologize to her, and make a joke about being okay due to pretending alcohol is in the kool-aid. She asks if we can step away to hear each other better. I nod and then follow her.
I follow until we are just outside the kitchen. Its odd and I smell something hot. But I ignore it, however she steps behind me. So I turn and notice that she shuts the door behind us, and she begins to speak.
"The thing is Chapman, I was turned off by you the moment I met you. But, I was alone and scared, so I made an alliance with you and you did even respect that alliance." Hapakuka says
She right. "I know, and I have no excuse. Except that I was scared too." I say
Hapakuka's expression doesn't change. "Yeah, but I get it now, and actually you were right."
I get a chill as she says this. But I have to ask. "Right about what?"
"Right about being pragmatic. You gotta do what you gotta do." Hapakuka says.
Before I could respond I am grabbed from behind. I try to scream but my mouth is covered and I am then pulled completely into the kitchen.
The source of what I could smell I then see. On the stove is a spoon bent into an odd shape being heated, its glowing. I try to scream again but the hands over my mouth is removed and I am punched in the face by Ruiz. They have quickly added a towel as a gag. It's a kitchen towel and I can taste the mildew. I'm disgusted but the fear shaking though me at this moment is overriding everything as I am then bent over the counter and forcefully held down by three people.
Ruiz is angry and my fighting against them is making it worse. I know now that I am going to be burned with the hot metal end. Why couldn't they just beat me? Doggett and I had gone rounds before, at least bruises heal. This what Ruiz is doing is a whole new kind of evil, something I would never be capable of. I shudder against the cool metal of the counter top, and everyone holding me pushes me down a little firmer and hold my arm forcefully out, as Ruiz begins to speak.
"When you're in a gang, you get this label put on you. Thanks to what you pulled. I've been marked by admin as this big bad gang girl. So you see I'm done. But, I've been thinking, you're gangster too Chapman. You're hella gangster, right? So where is your label?"
I cry harder wanting this to stop or someone to come save me. it's pointless I've disgusted and drove away everyone that cares about me. Hell I wouldn't save me at this point either. I watch hopelessly as they continue to heat the metal end. The sleeve of my shirt is pulled up so they now have my bare skin to work with. I cry and struggle more but it's pointless.
"Hold tight don't let her move." I hear the one with the name of a board game say. "If you move it will get messed up." I hear her say. I cannot ever remember her name. It's stupid as I keep looking around I see what they are going to brand on me. A swastika. "Make sure it isn't backwards or it's like a whole different thing." It's then that I feel them push the hot metal into my flesh. I scream as they do it. it's pointless no one can hear me over the party in the next room. So I surrender to it and to the pain, I black out due to the pain.
When I come to, I'm still in the kitchen. I am alone. Evidence of what transpired is gone, so are all that were involved. The only reminder is the hot searing pain that is my forearm. I stand and walk quickly to the bathroom, it's empty. I move into a stall and close the door quickly turning to the toilet I fall to my knees. I vomit what little I had managed to eat into it. When I feel like I am done I stand and flush. Opening the door I move to the sink. I splash cold water on my face with my good arm, to cover the fact that I am still crying. I cannot stop it's like my brain is broken and I've got a permanent leak. I run cold water over the offensive mark on my arm.
Once done I move quickly back to the dorm. Red is sleeping so quietly I take an old shirt and rip it to pieces, fuck it I will buy a new one. I tie it lightly around my wound, I change my shirt and pull the sleeve over the wound as well. Satisfied I stash the rest in my cubby and climb into my bunk. I pull the blanket over myself up to my neck. I toss and turn trying to get comfortable. It's pointless the searing pain in my arm keeps me awake. I push my face into my pillow as the tears continue to fall. I make sure my back is turned as Dwight and Hapakuka come in. I can feel eyes on me, but I stay motionless and refuse to move. I hear them both get into their bunks.
Few hours later I lay on my back. I can hear soft snores and coughs throughout the dorm. I see movement. Someone is in our bunk. I can make out the tangled mop of hair and know immediately its Nikki. I say nothing and remain silent. She grabs something of reds, I don't know what and I honestly don't care. I will not say shit about what I just witnessed I have enough problems. I throw myself so I am not seen with my eyes open looking at her.
I must have zoned or blacked out at some point because when I come too again Red is walking in from the showers, dressed and getting ready for the work day. She flips the light on, I turn in my bunk so she doesn't know I am awake and crying.
Within seconds Red is speaking in a hushed Russian language, I know she is looking for whatever was taken.
"What are you looking for?" Hapakuka asks Red.
"My mirror, where is my mirror?" Red states.
"It's not there?" Hapakuka says.
"Not unless it's suddenly turned invisible. I've been robbed." I hear Red say as I then feel her tapping me on the shoulder.
I turn slowly. "Where is my mirror?" she asks me.
"What?" I ask
"The magnifying mirror, the one from my desk. The one I've seen you use for your eye brows." She spits
"I don't know." I say softly. This angers her
"No one sleeps when my things go missing." She states.
"I'm not sleeping a state calmly, I can't sleep." I finish as I turn from her again so she doesn't see my tear stained face.
I hear her move to Dwight. "Wake up my mirror is missing." I hear her say.
Hapakuaka speaks again. "We have to live together it would be pretty dumb to steal from you."
"You're all geniuses." Red says in a thick Russian accent "Wake up" I hear Red say again.
This time Dwight startles awake. "Please, I didn't go to sleep until you left for the shower. I swear I kept myself up." Dwight states
"Where is my mirror." Red asks again
"On your desk?" Dwight answers.
Hapakuka speaks up again. "She wouldn't steal from you. She is terrified of you." She defends Dwight.
"Why would I wanna look at myself in the mirror?" Dwight says.
If I wasn't in so much pain I would laugh at this situation. I then hear movement outside the cubicle.
"Hey, Reznikov. It's time to make the donuts." CO Stratman states.
"I'm not ready, and my mirror is missing." Red says panicked
"I don't give a tigers testicle. Look the faster I deliver you, the faster I can get back to my mindfulness practice so let's go. You think your time is more valuable than mine?" Stratman questions.
"Fine. I'll put my face on in the kitchen." Red says as she starts looking for her make up. At this point the noise is starting to disturb the other inmates. "Where the hell is my lip pencil?" Red says.
"Now Reznikov." Stratman orders.
Red stands quickly. "Fucking thieves. I will find you." She states in her think Russian accent. With that she finally follows Stratman to the kitchen.
The light however she has left on I notice as I roll onto my back. Trying again to get into a comfortable position. My arm still hurts. So a cradle it to my chest.
Hapakuka gets up and goes and shuts it off after Dwight complains about it. I couldn't careless I wasn't sleeping anyway.
She stops as she gets back to the bunk and finally looks at me. I don't look at her but I know her face hold remorse for what she did. However I cannot blame her hell I'm not even mad. She was only doing what I told her to do after I tossed her to the wolves. "You okay?" She asks with true concern.
"Not even a little bit." I answer after a moment. Tears still flow freely down my cheeks. I at this point don't even care to hide them. As she lays back in her bunk I turn back to the wall.
Finally it's quite again. Still not sleeping I just stare at the wall and zone out.
After a while it's announced the breakfast shifts are starting. Slowly but surely the dorm empties. I don't move or acknowledge anyone. I stay in my bunk facing the wall. Once the dorm is silent I get up. Thankfully no one is in the dorms now. No one of course has checked on me. I can't blame them. I get up and change the bandage on my arm and my shirt. It seems the wound is weeping. A mixture of blood and I don't know. It doesn't look infected so I take comfort in that. I put on a long sleeve shirt and my top and quickly head to the phones. I feel utterly helpless and alone and I need to hear the voice of someone that loves me.
The only person I can think to call is my brother Cal. Once a phone is open I quickly step forward and dial his number. He picks up immediately not letting the recording of it coming from a prison finish. He is excited. "Piper." He say into the phone with joy.
It infects me immediately and I smile into the phone. "Cal, you have no idea how badly I've wanted to hear your voice." I say and I am desperately trying to keep it together.
"Would you rather hear my voice or a primo Gibson banjo, that earl scruggs play on at the opry?" Cal questions.
"Your voice for sure." I state and with that he has helped me reel in my emotions a bit.
He then starts rambling. "So you got Neri's message?" Cal questions
And I am confused because I hadn't. "What?" I ask
"Neri sent you a psychic message to call us. I was skeptical at first, but I mean here you are."
"Cal, I've missed you so much. There is really nobody in here for me to…" I trail off getting choked up "talk to right now."
"We are pregnant." Cal shouts into the phone.
"You got pregnant in the basement?" I question looking around. Its pointless no one is looking at me.
Cal chuckles. "Actually we think that it might've actually happen in the laundry room or dining room. During one of moms standing hair appointments. Which is strange because her hair never changes. We're not technically suppose to tell anyone yet because its only 8 weeks. But, I don't care fuck it."
"Holy shit." Is all I can say into the phone "Wow, congratulations. That is wonderful."
"It is pretty cool. I am already bonding with the baby. I talk to him and I sing to him. In English and Korean. We have a whole new business Pipes. We ship used clothing over to Korean. Vintage, we're killing it. Neri sweeps through goodwill, and stuff and we ship it over to her friend Helen Hong in stol. I mean ever since I panties dried up, we were in real trouble. But, babies bring luck and inspiration." Cal continues. Listening to what he has to say I have no response.
"What do you think of the name Clarence? Clarence Chapman?" he asks pride in his voice.
"Do you know it's a boy?" I ask
"I don't, not yet. But, I am willing it to be a boy because women are terrifying." Cal says with a slight chuckle. "Neri is psyched and I am here to buy him his first banjo. Never start them too early. Music education suck in schools now." Cal continues but I am seriously really trying not to break as I hear him speaking
"Cal" I say softly as he then cuts me off.
"I know, I know. If it is a girl she will play the fiddle. So maybe I shouldn't pull the trigger." He says
I smile and say what I know will be true. "You're going to be an amazing dad."
"I'm totally fucking scared that I am going to fuck it all up. I mean you know where we came from." Cal finishes with a huff.
You are so much warmer, you are so much lovelier, and so much awesomer." I say "Plus you married the anti mom there is no way stop it." I finish.
"wow, that is so nice of you to say." Cal says. "I am really glad you called Pipes.
I am now really fighting tears. "I just wanted to check in, and um hear your voice." I say as I then hear an announcement for all whisperers employees to the yard. I sigh because I know my time talking to Cal has to come to an end. "Cal, I uh. I gotta go. I love you daddy." I say
'Okay, yeah, love you. Bye auntie Piper." I hear cal say
"Okay bye." I say as I then hang up the phone crying I take a moment. I collect myself and head to the yard.
They are now doing roll call. Piscatella is leading the roll call. We are quickly told that we are all being replaced. I feel immediate guilt and refuse to look anyone in the eye. We learn soon that we are now in a class and won't be getting paid at all. After a few comments it's settled. A guy starts to explain what we are doing and how safety is important. I zone out as he continues to explain what is to come.
I soon find myself with a shovel moving dirt. It's ironic because at this point its how I feel. The equipment we have to help went down. I zone out as I start to move the dirt. I am exhausted, in extreme pain. But, I keep moving. Hoping to be left alone. As I look around I spot Alex working in the yard near the garden. Of course she doesn't look my way. How can I blame her. hell I can't even look myself in the mirror anymore. I see Nikki approaching her. I smile shyly I am so glad she is back. I know it was her that took Reds things. But, I still will not say a thing. I watch as she and Alex then disappear out of sight someplace near the green house.
I then continue to focus on what I am doing. One handed because my arm is literally killing me. I'd give anything for pain relief. It's at this point I catch the attention of a guard. He notices that I am only working with one hand clearly not moving enough dirt for his liking.
"Keep working inmate." He states loudly as he continues to walk. This catches Flaca's attention
"Oh, jesus." I hear her say "You cutting yourself now?" I hear her question.
I look at her confused. "I thought I was the emo one."
"What?" I question as I then follow her sight. Looking at my arm it is clear that it has bled through my makeshift bandage.
"You're bleeding." She says
"Fuck" I whisper to no one really.
Others then go on to comment. Others saying I should cut because they are out of work because of me. I get the anger I do. But, the words still hurt. The CO reprimands everyone and we get back to work. I've never been more thankful then at this moment. After a while a break is finally called. I walk to the wheel burrow and toss my shovel in. I then turn, I am overheated and need to cool myself.
I head toward the green house and hose. I drop my hard hat on the ground and turn on the water its cool and refreshing as I splash it on myself. I am so caught up in what I am doing that a sudden laughter and noise in the corn startles me. I look up in time to see a big mess of hair plop down and shh to follow. Rolling my eyes knowing it's Nikki I go towards the corn.
"Nikki?" I say several times with no answer. I can hear them both. I pull the corn apart to see both Alex and Nikki.
"Ahh." Nikki says
"What are you doing?" I question as I look at them as if they had both lost their minds.
"Hey, bummer Chapman. Get the fuck down or fuck the fuck off." Nikki states I look to Alex who looks totally gone.
"Bum-bu-bum bum bummer. My tongue feel delightful" Alex mimics. Nikki's words.
Still socked and not moving at what I've just witnessed Nikki reaches up and forcefully pulls me down by my wounded arm.
"Ow" I scream as I fall to my knees.
They are both giggling and clearly out of their minds. I am clutching my arm in pain. As I look up Nikki is pointing at my face.
"You know from this angle your nose hairs are pretty prominent." Nikki says as she and Alex lean in to look. I am still in pain, they however are out of it so they fail to notice.
"Wow, she use to trim them." Alex says while both still looking at me. At this point I feel both of them have completely lost it. However I feel slight excitement since it is Alex who is looking at me. "You are really letting yourself go Chapman." She mutters as she leans back out shaking her head.
At this comment I snap a little. "Are you two crazy? What the fuck are you doing?" I question looking both in the eye.
"It's a weekly meeting…" Nikki trails into a horrible explanation "Talking about all the horrible slag we have to drag around on a daily basis." Nikki yammers on, Alex looking and knowing I am not really listening she finally lets me hear it.
"And we're smoking crack." Alex finishes for Nikki hoping to turn me off. I can see the challenge in her eyes.
"Are you two fucking serious?" I ask
"Well it's not my first choice. Crack in small amounts is actually good for you. It's gotten a bad rap over the years." Nikki says as she hits off the make shift crack pipe.
Alex being Alex agrees with her. "Well drug beggers, can't be drug choosers." Alex says shrugging it off. She trying to get a rise out of me. She is uncomfortable with how close I am. But, little does she know I am broken, and I don't give a shit.
"Perfect. So you guys are cracked out of your minds." I say looking between the both of them. Alex won't completely look at me, so I know it's true. Nikki is finishing her hit, I already know when it comes to her. However she shocks me and offers me a hit. "And you can be too. Here" Nikki offers.
"Full discloser that crack has been up someones ass." Nikki says
"Probably Angies." Alex adds
"Oh, Definitely Angies. Yeah I traded her a lipstick for it." Nikki confirms
I'm exhausted. I haven't slept. My arm is absolutely on fire and I still have half a day of work to complete. I have nothing to dull the pain in my heart or my arm. So I throw caution to the wind a go with it. Something I never do.
As I fail to answer Nikki speaks again. "Don't worry Piper, it's sterilized by the flame."
I watch as both Nikki and Alex look at each other and laugh like idiots. But at this point I don't care I just need something to take the edge off. I'm still selfish. So I'll take it.
After a few breaths I speak. "Fuck it."
This snaps Alex out of it. "Whoa, seriously?"
It's caring Alex. It angers me. so I snap. "Why would you offer it to me, if you weren't really going to share it with me?" I question
Alex shakes her head and pushes her glasses to the top of her head. "No, I'm just surprised."
"Well don't be." I then look at Nikki. "hand it over." I say. She then hands the lighter and crack pipe to me.
Nikki proceeds to walk me through the process. Alex is fidgeting, I don't know what her problem is. I take the hit holding as instructed and holding until I couldn't anymore, then I exhale. The feeling that comes over me is a welcome one. Yes I can still feel everything but I don't care. I'm past caring at this point. Nikki is slowly taking the pipe away from me telling me to take it easy. Alex is still looking at me as if I have really lost it.
"Take it easy. Fuck that. I was branded okay." I spit. I then slowly roll my sleeve up to show them both.
"I did not see that coming." Nikki says as she turns to look away.
Looking into Alex's eyes I see concern. "Holy shit. You're a Nazi now?"
"I'm not a Nazi. I think I'm a Nazi sympathizer. I think that was the message. I brought this on myself. This is what I have become, this is what I've fucking become you guys. How do I come back from this? I sent Stella down the hill. Why did I have to do that?" I ramble off
"She stole all your money. I was acquainted with her in max" Nikki says Alex is silent a refusing to look my way.
"My parents didn't teach me to be like this. What I did to Maria. I didn't feel bad. I didn't think twice. I just went too far. I always go too far. I always go too fucking far and I can't fucking stop it." I finish overcome with emotion.
Its then that Alex speaks. "You're not the worst person in here Piper."
"I think that I've been trying to win prison" I say "I've destroyed people's lives." At this Alex requests the pipe again. I watch as the love of my life takes a hit off of the make shift crack pipe. I do nothing but watch her. She is deep in thought, not making eye contact with me as I watch her. As she exhales she gets super emotional.
"I killed someone." Alex states. I look up and she is looking straight at me.
Nikki starts laughing, Alex chuckles. "By accident?" Nikki asks.
Alex immediately starts shaking her head. "No, I kill him. On purpose."
Nikki starts laughing again. I am floored and cannot believe my ears. "Shut up, shut up. What? How? That is impossible. You couldn't do that, I know you." I say as I get closer to her.
What she tell me next absolutely crushes me. "Last month, Kubra sent someone in here to kill me. Like I said he would." Alex finishes. I am so floored and hurt that I was too full of myself to notice and be there for her. Tears suddenly leave my eyes.
"In here?" Nikki asks. To which Alex nods. "Fuckin a."
I'm still so shocked and crying only one thing comes to my mind. "How? Alex what did you do with the body."
A creepy laugh I have never heard then leaves Alex. It's as if what I said put her right back to that day. She smiles as she answers. "You're sitting on him… well, parts of him. He is all over." She finishes as she then breaks down and starts to cry.
This crushes me. It's my fault. I do the only thing I can think of and I push myself forwards and pull her into a hug. It's lasts a few second before she is gasping and pushing me away. "Stop." Alex says. Nikki is freaking out not handling the news well. I just sit and stare. Then I remember it's my fault. I then quickly stand and make my way out of the corn. I need to stay far away from them. I was right all along I destroy everything I touch. I make a vow to stay away from her.
Had I not gotten Alex thrown back in here she wouldn't have had to go as far as she did. At the time I felt I was protecting her, felt as if she were paranoid. I even fucking teased her about it. Disgusted with myself and the monster I have I go back to work. I keep my down and push myself. It works for a while thanks to the drugs flowing through my system. After a while though I start to come down. The crash I feel coming on is bad. i just hope no one notices, that wish is soon crushed when Dwight looks my way.
"Chapman, wow you look even worse than this morning. Are you sure you don't want to go to medical?" She says.
I shake my head. I deserve nothing. "No it's the crash I mutter. It's bad." I stammer completely out of it. I'm just processing a lot of stuff." I finish wanting the conversation to end. Unfortunately other than feel the need to comment.
"Oh did you have diarrhea. You need to stay hydrated." Dwight says.
I then feel a presence and as I turn I see Doggett looking at me with genuine concern offering me water. I gladly take what she offers and drink it quickly. I then listen as the others start talking amongst themselves.
A little while later the digging equipment is fixed and working. Apparently it had just overheated. it was insulting watching it dig ten times faster than all of us women could. It is then shortly announced that our day is done, dinner is called. Returning my equipment I am not hungry I just want to lay down and continue to process everything I had been told.
As I walk into the dorm I am so overcome with fatigue that I don't even make it into my bunk. I collapse into Hapakuka's bunk. I just silently hope to not be disturbed. That however is short lived as Red enters. I feel her sit next to me on the bunk. "Life is so tough you can't make it into your own bunk?" she questions in her thick accent.
"I don't feel good." I mutter.
I feel rather than see her lean in. Her voice drop to an level that use to scare me. "I heard that Alex told you how our garden grows. If you say a word I'll end you." Red finishes.
My eyes are open, and I cannot believe what I've heard. "I would never." I say as I move to look at Red in the eye. "I just can't believe she did what she did." I say trailing off still knowing it was my fault.
"She told me, and I didn't listen. She was all on her own." I say the guilt I feel hitting me hard as I start to tear up again.
"Maybe she was. But, now she's not. I've been helping her, so has Frieda. She has friends, maybe not you but other people." Red states. I hear it and it crushes me. I'm reminded yet again of the horrible person I've become. The one on my arm still screaming.
"I should have been there for her." I say
"You had other things on your mind. Being a big panty kingpin took a lot of work." Red says mockingly
"If I'd known maybe I could've done something." I say
"Honey what she did was morally defensible. I think ultimately she will find comfort in that. It was kill or be killed. Maybe you should worry about the choices you've made a little more." Red says softly.
This crushes me because I know Red thinks I am passing judgement. However I am not. I'm defeated. "She's in pain." I mutter
"We're all in pain." Red says. "I miss my mirror, and you hurt your arm." Red states. I look and quickly try to hide it. However it's pointless she has seen it. What happen? Hot plate accident? Another tattoo? Don't think I didn't hear you tossing and turning all night." Red says
"It's nothing." I say trying to shake her off. However she isn't buying it.
"Show me." she says.
I start crying, but the look she gives me tell me she isn't letting it go. so as I slowly pull up my sleeve to show her I start to cry harder. As she see's the damage her face softens and I see her shift into protective mom mode. "Who did that to you?" She asks
I shrug not wanting to name, names. It's my fault, I brought it on myself. "Doesn't matter. It's done." I finish
I expected her to push back. To my surprise she doesn't. "well, you cannot go around with that horror." She simply states.
"I probably deserve it." I sob.
"We all need help." Red states as she just simply pulls the make shift bandage back down into place. Its tender so it only makes me cry harder to which Red shushes me soothingly. She then tells me to come with her to dinner. I don't want to but she makes me. She escorts me to the bathroom first. She makes me wash my face and hands to help hide the fact that I was as upset as I was. It works. We make our way then to dinner. We get our trays together. "Come sit with us." Red says as we both turn to look at our table. Alex is there with Nikki, Lorna, Gina, Boo, Doggett, and Norma.
I shake my head. "No I don't think…" I try as Red cuts me off.
"That was not a question. Come. Now." Red states with finality. I follow. Boo and Doggett get up and leave as we sit. I get soft smiles from the others. It's clear that they already know about me being branded. Alex looks at me but I refuse to make eye contact. I still feel an extreme amount of guilt. It is then that Red fills them in on the plan to fix my arm. Norma, and surprisingly Alex agree to help. I'm shocked that she wants to be there after everything I've made her go through alone again. But I still will not make eye contact with her. I feel her staring at me. I just stay focused on my tray. I eat a few pieces of fruit but push the slop around. It smells like dog food that had been left out in extreme heat for several days, eaten and then vomited back up and heated again. It makes my stomach roll. I push it away but still keep my eyes down cast.
It's all a blur but I find myself back in the kitchen. The Smell of the heating metal makes my stomach roll. But I prepare myself by rolling up my sleeve. Alex breaks the silence.
"Are we sure about this? I mean that is still really tender." Alex tries
Red nods. "We have to do it now, or it won't match" Red then looks at me and I at her.
"Yeah, let's do it." I say just wanting it over with.
Red looks scared and disgusted. But it has to be done. "Okay." She says looking to the others.
"Hold her tight." Red says as she prepares. Norma add a bite block then she and Alex hold me in place.
I work on my breathing trying to ready myself. It's pointless how can you ever really be ready for something like this?
Then red touches the hot metal to my skin. You hear it sizzle and it burns into my flesh. I cry out in pain. Norma and Alex hold me tighter. I drop the bite block and continue to moan in pain as Red continues. Having avoided Alex and the moment we are in she is here for me. I'm overwhelmed so I turn to her expressing my apology.
"I am so sorry." I say looking Alex in the eyes. Her green orbs hold nothing but sarrow. She doesn't answer so I look down still crying. "I know. I know" I hear Alex say. But she doesn't really. So I say it again.
"I am so so sorry." I say again as Red continues to fix my mess of an arm.
"When god gives you a swastika, he opens a window." Red says as presses the hot metal to my skin for the final time. I am breathing heavy happy that it's over, but still in so much pain.
I then look up to Red as she speaks again. "Then you remember there is no god." She finishes as she shuts the stove off. Red tells Alex to take me back to the dorms and she and Norma re-clean and sanitize everything.
I stand and start to walk tears flowing down my cheeks just as freely as they had last night. Like that awful leak has returned and I am broken again. I feel Alex by my said but neither of us has spoken. I look over and see her looking at me with concern. "I'm okay." I say as we continue to walk to the dorms. It's a movie night so the dorm is pretty empty as we make it to my cube. I look up to Alex and she looks at me. "Thank you, and again I am so sorry. For everything really." I say but not voicing the extense of that apology. Alex nods "I know Piper. Need anything else?" Alex asks.
I see a flash of something in her eyes, I blink tears away to see better but what I thought I seen is now no longer reflected in her eyes. Guilt is crushing me. My eyes continue to well with tears as I think about her question. Do I need anything else? I want to blurt out her, I want to hold her and tell her I love her and tell her again how sorry I am. However, I have hurt her enough. I don't want to do that anymore. So looking at her I simply answer. "I think I've done enough. Thank you for everything you've done. I think I am just going to go and shower." I say as I then turn grabbing my shower items I decide I might was well enjoy a cool shower. When I turn back with my things Alex is still standing outside my cube. Looking at me. She is having an inner battle with herself.
"What?" I ask her. Alex shakes her head. "Enjoy your shower." She says as she then walks to her cube. I don't want her to go but at the same time, I know it's best for her. I've hurt her enough."
I walk to the bathrooms and go to the shower area. I strip I step into the shower. I turn it on and as the water hits my body it is both refreshing and torture. My poor arm sings in pain. I clutch it as I force myself to let it run under the cool water, and whimper in pain softly as it flows over the angry wound. I also take the time to weep. I cry letting it all out. I cry for Red, Nikki, myself, but most of all Alex. I sob as I think of what I have put her through. Hearing a noise that startles me I quickly force myself to stop and start to shower.
I then proceed about my shower. Shampoo, and rinse, conditioner, and rinse, soap and rinse. However as I do this I set the temp of the water colder and colder. By the time I am done, I am so cold I am shaking. However it has taken the sting out of my arm so I welcome it. I turn off the water and slowly open the curtain. What's waiting for me shocks me. It must have been the source of the noise.
Alex is standing with not only my towel but her towel as I step out. She is currently scanning my body and I let her as I shake. She then seems to notice that I am overly cold. She quickly wraps me in a towel one going around my shoulders the other draped over my head. She then tries to wrap her arms around me. I stop her and step away, and knot the towel between my boobs so it doesn't fall down. "What are you doing Alex?" I question
"Piper, you're in pain. Let me help you." Alex says as she once again steps forward. I however step back again with my hands out. "No." I say as I then grab the towel from my head and hold it out to her. "Your towel."
"Why are you being so stubborn?" Alex asks but she ignores my attempt to give her the towel.
"Because, Alex." Is all that comes out.
Alex smiles and pushes her glasses up into her hair again. "That is not a good enough answer Piper. I am here I want to help you. Damn it now let me help you." Alex finishes as she steps forward.
I try to step back but I hit the wall with my bad arm. I cry out in pain. Alex is quick she wraps her arms around me and pulls me over to sit at the bench. She starts rubbing my shoulders and back trying to warm me. I still try to fight but it's pointless "Why are you doing this? Why do you care? Why are you here? Why are you not staying vary far away from me? You should be telling me I told you so and you should hate me. I've ruined your life." I say sobbing
Alex simply shushes me. "That's enough. Just calm down alright. I've got you." Alex says as she keeps doing what she is doing. After a while I just go with it. I relish her touch. Over time she loosens her hold. "I'm gonna get dressed." I finish as I stand. I let the towel fall, I hear Alex gasp.
I look and her eyes are trained on my rib cage. I look and notice the infinity tattoo I had given myself. "What? When did you get that?" Alex questions.
I shrug. "I did it a few weeks ago. When we weren't speaking." I mutter and quickly pull a sweatshirt over my head. I do the same with my sweatpants. I go to the other side to the sink and start to work with my now damp hair. Alex follows
"Is there anything else I should know about?" Alex questions.
It's the tone that gets me. I don't understand why she still fucking cares after everything I've done. I roll my eyes as I answer. I repeat a few of the questions I asked that went unanswered earlier. "Why do you care? Why are you here? Why are you not staying vary far away from me?"
Through the mirror I search and find her eyes. Blue meets Green. I feel myself melting at the way she is looking at me. It is the exact same look she gave me that day in her bunk, as we lay together and she called me brave.
"You really going to make me say it, kid?" Alex questions with a small smile as she steps forward our eyes still locked. Resting her front to my back. I feel my knees start to wobble at the contact. I brace myself on the counter to hold myself up. I slowly turn so we are face to face.
"What does this mean Alex?" I ask
It is then that she reaches up and tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear. "I don't know. I just want us to be there for each other Pipes. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I want us to try to be friends again, and we can see where it goes. That is if that is something you still want?" I hear her say
My heart skips a beat and swells. Of course I want that. I want everything with this woman in front of me. It's at this moment I vow to myself to be better with her. To be there for her and to start putting her needs in front of my own. Realizing I still hadn't responded to her I finally answer her. "Of course I want that." I finish with a smile.
Alex and I then start back towards the dorm. Talking with each other along the way. We talked about everything, and it felt like we talked for hours. As lights out is called we say our good nights. I climb into my bunk extremely happy. I find myself thanking a God I do not believe in, for giving Alex another chance, and praying for her to find peace with what she had to do.
THE END
AN: I haven't written anything in a really long time. This is my first Orange Fic. I hope you enjoyed it. If you did. Please leave a review.