A/N: Please don't hate me for this. God I don't even know why I am writing it, I love Dan and Phil and most importantly the Phan pairing. But I've had a shitty week and I needed to write something like this.

Please don't kill me!

Disclaimer: I do not own Dan and Phil obviously, or I would not be writing this. Also, I am in no way insinuating that Phan is real, although I have my own opinions.

Enjoy?

Reciprocated

Dan didn't know exactly when it had started, his feelings for his best friend, or maybe they'd been there all along.

It had been about a month ago when he had realized the feelings for Phil, when during one of the truth or dare videos he was dared to let Phil touch his neck. The internet knew that was a sensitive spot for Dan and that he absolutely hated it.

Phil had been expecting a cringe out of Dan, or even a groan of distaste, but rather what he got was a moan of sheer pleasure, where Phil quickly withdrew his hand and they had then, without much discussion, decided to edit that out of the video.

That's when he slowly became more and more aware of things. How his and Phil's relationship was much more different than most same sex roommates and friends. They both walked around in their boxers, sometimes leaving the bathroom to go to their designated rooms in the nude if they'd forgotten their clothes. They sat awfully close to each other on the couch, and there were times when Phil would sneak into his room at night after a night terror to sleep in his bed with him, though it didn't happen very often, or as much as Dan would like and they wouldn't talk about it.

Another thing that stuck out was the subtle flirting, it had used to just be a joke between the two of them, not really meaning much of anything. But now Dan blushed furiously whenever it happened and his heart would flutter in a way he hated to admit made him feel like a girl.

He had always been a happy person then too, but he hid a lot of dark secrets, some things that even Phil didn't know.

Dan was depressed. He was gay and eve his best friend didn't know. He harbored al of his feelings for Phil underneath jokes and playful shoves. There was only one person who actually knew of his feelings, and that was Peej.

As a way to deal with the bottled up emotions and depression, he had picked up cutting, hiding them on his legs, under his pants, and on the occasion his arms, when he would proceed to wear jackets or jumpers until they healed, which no one seemed to notice.

It was a Wednesday, they hadn't had anything planned for the day so Dan sat in the assumed position scrolling through Tumblr nonchalantly, and lingering on the Phan pictures their phans drew who insisted there was something between them.

But no one knew the truth, that there wasn't a thing going on, but oh how Dan wished there was.

Dan heard Phil's door opening up and then shutting, ad a shuffling down the hall.

Phil poured himself a bowl of Lucky Charms and came to sit down next to Dan, watching him scroll through Tumblr. This was something they did often, they'd sit on Tumblr and both make comments on some of the posts.

"What is that?" Phil asked pointing up at something Dan had scrolled past, Dan scrolled back up to the picture in question.

It was an edit of Dan looking at Phil with a caption insinuating something was going on as always.

"Just another crazy phan." Dan said scrolling down as Phi had checked it out long enough.

"I don't get it, why do people always think there's something going on between us. Can't to flat mates just be platonic?"

"Right?" Dan said, trying to seem as put off as Phil was.

He apparently wasn't to convincing as Phil looked over at him asking, "is something wrong Dan?"

"What- no. I'm fine." Phil could see past it, his friend had seemed down these past few days.

"Seriously Dan, something is wrong, you've been acting strange all week, and you haven't even tried to sneak my cereal!" Phil said, a small smile tugging at his lips hoping to cheer the other Brit up, it worked a little as Dan smiled and chuckled.

"It's nothing Phil. Just think I'm coming down with a cold is all, I think I'm going to go lie down." Dan closed his laptop, sitting it down beside him and getting up.

"Alright then, feel better!" He called to Dan who was just getting into his room. Dan sighed and closed the door behind him. He sat down at the head of his bed, pulling his legs up and hugging them to his chest.

God what is wrong with me I'm losing it. He's going to end up finding out. I have to tell him at some point…

But is it worth out friendship? What if he doesn't accept me? Or worse finds me disgusting?

Dan brought his legs down ad reached over to his side table, grabbing a tiny little razor wrapped in a small bloody cloth. Dan felt tears stinging at his eyes and let them out, sobbing quietly, not wanting to gather any attention from Phil. God when did I become such a baby. He unwrapped the cloth with quivering hands, pulling his pants down around his knees and boxers up revealing a row of scars, old cuts and new cuts hiding beneath them.

He pressed the shiny metal to his tanned skin, pressing lightly to his skin, feeling the sharp pain of it splitting the first few layers of skin, he sobbed quietly, removing the razor and making another line watching the blood rise to his skin and spilling over, a good amount getting onto the covers. He wrapped the razor back up, placing it back in his drawer in a small hole he had cut in the middle of a book. He grabbed a few Kleenexes and pressed it to his skin soaking up the blood. After about twenty minutes and he was sure it had stopped bleeding he wadded the tissues up and threw them in the trash and pulled his pants off.

He dried up his tears, grabbed his cover and his pants and headed to the wash room to throw them in, avoiding Phil as much as possible.

As he was emptying in the laundry detergent into the machine he heard Phil shuffle up behind him.

"What happened?" Phil asked, worry evident in his voice.

"I threw up on myself. I think I'm getting the flu." Dan answered, brushing past Phil and into the living room where his laptop was sitting open in a private file of his. He immediately rushed over and slammed it shut, that was where he kept all of his secrets, a journal you could say, and he had though he'd password protected it. "WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THERE!" Dan shouted.

Phil who had just turned the corner staggered backwards at the loudness.

"I'm sorry! I was just… You've been acting weird all week and I was worried and your password wasn't that hard so I-"

"Just because my password was easy doesn't mean you go snooping through my things! Oh god PHIL! What did you see?" He shouted, his face flushing deep crimson. He had confessed his feelings about Phil in there, his sexuality, the cutting. There was so much in there and Dan's stomach churned at the thought of Phil discovering it.

"I only read a few documents!" Phil said, but in those few documents, he had read enough.

Dan sat down on the sofa, his head in his hands, hiding his face. "What did you read?" He asked quietly.

"Enough to know that you're gay. And-" Phil came over and sat by Dan, his hand lightly pulling up the other man's boxers, "these. God Dan these are new! Are these from today!?"

Dan snatched the cloth from Phil, pulling it down to cover the cuts. "It's none of your business." He stated blandly.

Phil got on the ground in front of Dan and pulled his hands from away from his face. "Dan… You're my- you're my best friend of course it's my business. Why? Why did you do it? Why didn't you come to me?" Phil asked.

Tears were streaming down Dan's face at this point as he sobbed uncontrollably. "Phil… It's not that easy."

"You're my best friend. I wouldn't have judged you for anything. I wouldn't have pushed you away." Phil said, sitting back on his legs looking at Dan.

"That's just it Phil." Dan took a deep breath, holding back the tears, "you're my best friend, my flat mate. My straight flat mate. I shouldn't feel this way about you. I shouldn't think about you like I do. And that's why I couldn't say anything!" Dan began crying at this point again throwing his head back into his hands.

"What are you talking about." Phil asked, honestly confused at this point.

"God damnit Phil are you that stupid! I fucking love you!" Dan shouted.

Phil sat back, eyes wide in shock, his mouth opening and closing like a fish, piecing it together, trying to figure out what to say. "Is that why you did this?" Phil placed his hand on the cuts on Dan's thigh.

"Yes. Because I'm a vile human being, I'm disgusting. And because I hated harboring feelings I knew you could never return." He said, wiping the tears from his eyes.

Phil didn't know what to do or say. "I'm sorry…. I don't…." Was all Phil could mutter out. Dan's head shot up, looking straight in Phil's eyes, before standing up and running to his bedroom, locking the door.

Phil chased after him, his fist banging on the door. "Dan please open up!"

Dan ignored him, as he rummaged through the drawer he had just placed the razor in. He picked it up and tore the fabric off and threw it to the ground. He had just gotten rejected. He couldn't fathom the rejection, let alone the fact he had just possibly lost his best friend. He couldn't do it anymore. He cut his fingers fumbling with the sharp object. He sat it down and grabbed a piece of paper and a pen scribbling down his farewell note.

"Dan PLEASE!" Phil was shaking the door roughly, and Dan thanked god it was a sturdy thick door.

And so the note read:

I am so so sorry. I have been nothing but an inconvenience to everyone. I only hope my family can forgive me and move on without me here.

Phil,

I love you with all my heart. And I have only realized it in the past month that you are the person I have wanted to be with for the rest of my life. But today I realized that can never happen, and you don't return those feelings. I only want you to be happy and have a happy healthy life, and to remember the friendship we once had.

Farwell.

And with that he placed it on the bed, grabbing the razor and pressing into his skin hard, slicing deep into his writs. The blood began pouring out, soaking the carpet, he lied down in the fetal position, hold his wrist to him and sobbing uncontrollably as the banging on the door became more distant and darkness began seeping into his vision. He smiled slightly through the pain as he let the darkness consume him.

And then nothing.

A/N: God. Please don't kill me. This actually went really well. Please let me know what you think. I am going to make this a multi chaptered story. This is probably the best story I have ever written, and by far my now most favorite. I hope you guys like it, and I'll have the next chapter up in an hour or so because I NEED to write it.