Missing

My hands are running through the sheet. I'm writing a letter, a difficult one. My words come from my heart, it's like I'm spitting my feelings on this piece of paper. And they aren't happy feelings, unfortunately.

It happened again. Two times betrayed, two times hurt, two times abandoned. I knew that it would have happened, but I didn't care. So stupid.

Fast, my words are coming to life, and the only thing that relieves me is that they won't take too much time.

"Please, please forgive me

But I won't be home again

Maybe some day you'll look up

And barely conscious you'll say to no one

Isn't something missing?"

Tears are flowing down my cheeks. I nearly wish they would fall on this sheet, maybe it's the only way to make you understand what you're doing to me. Because you don't know.

In front of you, I don't show my emotions, I'm too proud to do that. When I transform, I stay far from you. You can't hear me. And, I'm sure, you don't want to.

You're OK like this, surely, without my thoughts buzzing around you like flies you want to drive out.

I knew that someday this would have happened. But it's all been too fast. We've had so little time for us….

I've chosen to do the same as you once wanted. Remember? Your reason was the same. But, this time, I will keep my word.

You won't see me again. No one of your new shiny family will have to have me around anymore. Best of all, you won't be forced to hear my thoughts.

Are you happy now?

I won't poison your poor mind with my rage.

You can stay with your blood-sucker eternally, and build with her your nice family portrait, if it's what you want. How disgusting.

Maybe one day my figure will come out of your memories. You'll think about the happy moments we've lived together, you'll think about how it was perfect between us, almost natural.

Should have been our destiny, right? Stay together forever.

But no, it hasn't. Because she came.

"You won't cry for my absence I know

You forgot me long ago

Am I that unimportant?

Am I so insignificant?"

Even then, you won't feel anything. Now, you're so fond of her.

From that second, that moment when you saw her for the first time, nothing was important, surely not me.

You got rid of me in such a cold way. You said a couple of words just to excuse yourself. You thought I would have understood, and that I wouldn't have hated you. "It's our nature, Leah. I can't do anything about that, I'm sorry". I just don't want to imagine what you would have said if you hadn't been sorry. You turned your back on me. And I stood there, frozen, incapable to react.

You threw me away, Jacob, you abandoned me as a child does with an old toy.

I thought you were different, but you're just like everyone else.

Like Sam.

I imagine you reading this letter, and then keep living your life. You won't care, as you didn't care about breaking my heart.

You'll throw it in a drawer and you'll forget about it. What a waste of words.

"Even though I'm the sacrifice

You won't try for me not now

Though I'd die to know you love me

I'm all alone…."

Maybe the imprinting isn't so strong as we think. Maybe one day you'll wake up thinking of me again. You'll look for me, you'll run to me and say that you still love me, you'll say that you have been stupid….

Vain hope. Right now, I'm sure you won't do that.

Why is our nature so cruel?

I asked that myself so many times, when I was still thinking about Sam.

Why break our hearts? Why provoke so much pain?

Shouldn't we be the ones to choose the person we want to stay with?

Damned imprinting.

And this isn't the end: not only the injury, but also the insult.

A child. A little blood-sucker. A pottery doll that, once, you would have hated.

It's against your personality. It's against nature. It's against yourself.

But it's what destiny wanted.

Do you want to live with all blood-suckers around? Good.

But I won't be there with you. I won't stay to see you snogging your vampire. I couldn't stand that.

"And if I bleed, I'll bleed

Knowing you don't care

And if I sleep just to dream of you

I'll wake without you there…."

It's like I'm bleeding, but the wound isn't healing. The blood doesn't coagulate, the skin doesn't regenerate.

I look through the Cullens' house window. I see you, on the sofa, holding the little Renesmee. She laughs with you, without knowing how much I would like to be at her place.

Jealous of a child. Ridiculous.

I can't sleep well anymore. My dreams' world is ruled by you, you show me that we can be happy together again… then I wake up, and you aren't next to me anymore, as you once were… you held my hand, to stay together even in our dreams… now you don't.

You're there, inside that house, playing with your little girl.

I don't want to stay here, and suffer again. I won't do as I did for Sam. I won't be so cruel, I won't make you feel the same things.

I'll say goodbye to everything I know. I won't return to the reserve, I won't stay here. The world outside is so big.

Seth knows. He doesn't approve, but he understands. I'll leave him this letter, he'll see your face as you read it.

Now he's sitting on the entrance steps. He's thoughtful, certainly worried for me. Poor little brother.

I close the envelope. I go to him to give it to him, and to say him goodbye. It will be the last time I'll see him.

As he notices me, he stands up quickly. I give him the letter, and he takes it. He looks sad, but not angry.

- You've decided to do that, then.

I nod.

He stays in silence. He's probably trying, in vain, to find the words that will make me stay.

But for me, there's nothing worth enough to stay in here.

He hugs me. It's a gesture worth more than a thousand words. We stay like this for a long time, we fear to part.

But unfortunately, the moment to go arrives.

I took a bag with some new clothes inside. I fix it to my ankle with a lace.

I don't care about keeping my clothes intact, they're part of a past I want to forget.

I penetrate into the forest, still human. I keep thinking about what happened in the last few days: Jacob's imprinting, his words, seeing him playing with the child…. I immediately feel the energy running through my veins, I feel my body transforming.

I run, free, leaving behind all the pain of the last years. Maybe time and being far will help me overcome everything.

Your memory will stay with me forever, Jacob Black. I'll stop crying, one day.

And then, of you will remain only the kisses, the smile and the happy memories.

But I will never forget you….