A.N: Where are the drumrolls when we need them? This story needs a drumroll, damn it! Gawd... stupid non-instrumental openings. Anyway, if anyone is wondering 'What the hell are you putting up Hari-Aisu?! Seriously, you need to finish your other damn stories and stop stalling, you damn attention-deficit author!', then two things;
A) I am ADD in all things writing, but what do you expect from the person who brought you CSS. Really? You're actually surprised that my mind can't focus on one thing? That one-shot series is a literal poster-child for my neurotic plot-bunny-flow.
B) This is technically NOT a new story, but a continuation of both "Halfway There" and "Back to You" that so many people *insert snort here* asked for. No, it's not a one-shot like I said it was going to be. It's a three-shot, because I felt like it, and I really like me some three-shots.
But this is all obvious to us all, so whatever.
Thanks to Kitsune55 for beta-ing this chapter for me! (AND CONGRATULATIONS FOR YOUR GOOD FORTUNE AND HARD WORK RE-PAID! YAY! I EXPECT PICTURES, RANDOM CONVERSATIONS ABOUT WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON IN J-WORLD AND QUITE POSSIBLY, A SMALL ASIAN CHILD TO START MY COLLECTION OF ADOPTED ORPHANS FROM AROUND THE WORLD! What? Angelina Jolie is my God. Besides, I hear UPS delivers internationally. XD)
Disclaimer: No, I don't own it. Consider this story DISCLAIMED!
Title: All the Rest
Chapter One: My Story
It was my burden to bear.
That's what I always thought to myself when doctors spoke about my condition and asked about loved ones, or nurses gave me sympathetic glances behind lifted hands they thought I could not see past. Saccharine words filled with pity, dishonesty underlying every sentence as they spoke without actually speaking; you're going to be ok, this won't hurt a bit, just a little longer, sweetie…
Sometimes, I wondered if they thought I was a cancer patient or an idiot.
Though after all those obnoxious stares, I could definitely bet a slice of my favorite cheesecake it was a little of both…
It didn't matter, though. I knew I was condemned to die a long time before this. Hell, I'm surprised I made it to eighteen. But here I am; an anomaly within the statistics. I suppose I should be happy. Maybe I even was at one time, when I had thought that we had moved past this.
But looking into my Raito's red-rimmed eyes still glistening with tears, I knew whatever amount of happiness I had clutched onto in the years before was vanishing by the second. The same question whizzing around in the back of my mind still convulses in unease as my pale hand reaches up and weaves itself through my best friend's sandy locks of hair, earning a small smile (it's sad, because his smiles, though beautiful, never last for very long…) for my efforts.
"You're looking good today, Lawliet."
Looking into your disheartened eyes that never seem to glow as brilliantly as they used to, I always have to ask myself now that you're here to share these heart-breakingly beautiful moments with me…
Is it still my own burden to bear?
"Raito?" Lawliet whispered as the machines beside him beeped continuously to a beat that both he and his friend could never quite hear. "May I ask you a question?"
"Sure." Raito smiled as brightly as he could as he fixed the I.V. hanging beside them, making sure the tube hanging from the bags to Lawliet's arm did not get tangle with the other wires hanging off the bed and around the slumped teen's body.
"… … How long have they given me this time?"
Hands froze as silvery-gray eyes barely blinked, keeping their unerring stare on the boy beside them. Raito felt a drop of sweat fall down the back of his neck as his own gaze shifted towards the wall on his left side, the smile that had been precariously perching on his lips falling as fast as it had formed.
"Does it matter?"
Lawliet simply shrugged as Raito sat down on the bed and laid his head against his thin shoulder, knowing that it had to be unbearably bony, yet refusing to say a word to thwart the other's search for comfort.
Hands cinched at his waist, the dark-haired hospital patient let his head fall to the side as he stared out the window, wondering, wondering, always wondering…
"You'll be better soon, Lawliet." Raito whispered against the pale ear, tucking his head into the soft skin of the other's elongated neck. "You have to be better soon…"
Sometimes, when you look at me in that special way you do, it doesn't all seem so bad.
You tell me to stay optimistic, and sometimes I do.
I do.
You just don't notice it on the best of days.
"I'm sure the treatment won't be too bad today. Maybe I'll even be able to walk without limping or fainting out of chemo."
"Raito-kun should really listen to the nurse. She says that it is fine to eat sweets while I'm here. Cake is perfectly good 'getting well' food as long as I don't keel over as I'm eating it."
"Well, I don't have to have any kind of surgery or endure any kind of painful medical prodding on the doctor's part, so I suppose that yes, today does look to be a good day."
See?
But even that doesn't satisfy you.
You say I joke too much.
That I don't take things seriously.
Do you really blame me?
"Here." Raito threw the stack of papers and books onto Lawliet's lap as he huffed out a sigh, wondering if it was a crime to have to lug all those huge text-books up ten sets of stairs because the damn elevator was out of order. "All your homework, extra paper and random books 'just because' in a neat little pile, all arranged for you by your caring and dutiful boyfriend. I'm so awesome."
"Of course." Lawliet quipped as the younger of the two took a swipe at the back of his head, a small smile carved into his lips as he shuffled a few of the written-upon papers in search of a blank one. "Self-dubbed by Raito, of course."
"You're such an ass." The brunette felt his eye twitch as he sat down his own book-bag against the bed, shoulders aching from the heavy load once set upon them.
"So I've heard." The paler of the two whispered, almost laughing as Raito sat down beside the propped up patient, yawning a bit as he kicked out his legs against the plush bed.
"The doctor says he has to talk to you about something today." Raito explained as he stretched his arms above his head, weary eyes reflecting just how exhausted he truly was. "Was really vague about it when he told me... in fact, it looked as if he didn't want to tell me anything about whatever it is by the look on his face when he was talking. Wasn't really paying attention, truth be told."
"Hm." Lawliet took the blank piece of paper sitting on his lap and began folding it over, dark eyes nearly void of any emotion as they concentrated on his own fingers and the bending of the brittle paper within his gentle grip. "Now?"
"Do you want me to call him in now?"
Lawliet shook his head, smoothing out the wing of his paper plane before throwing it forward.
"I'm ok."
Raito said nothing as he watched the plane slowly fall onto the ground, the paper crinkling as the plane tilted over on its left side, a small heap of crinkled paper and folded edges on the sterilized white tiled floor.
I know I'm not a very vocal person.
My parents, most especially my mother, tend to constantly remind me of this fact. I don't want to come off as a completely horrible person at times, but I can't exactly change my tendencies at this point.
They helped mold them, after all.
But you understand me, Raito. You always have, from the very beginning.
When I met you in that playground, alone and cold, frightened and lost, you were someone I was instantly magnetized to. I couldn't help but look at you, and not stop looking. I'd never felt that before. I was always different; always ostracized. Yet here you were, acting as if I wasn't some plague you wanted to get rid of at first sight.
Ha. Plague. If only people knew…
Though that's half a lie, isn't it?
Everyone has always known there was something off about me, and it was more than just my far-off gaze that never seemed to focus on anything in particular and my devil-may-care attitude.
This sickness that infects me to this day defines me in more ways than what I'm able to say. Everyone always looked for a reason to not like me, so I played their game and gave it to them, just so that the cancer could be brushed aside if they ever found out.
'He has cancer? Oh, that's horrible… but he's an asshole, so who really cares, ya know?'
That's the reaction I wanted, even as a child. It's what I needed for them to think, because if they hated me, I could still be something tangible.
I could still be human.
So I acted like a brat. I said horribly blunt things. I lied. I cheated constantly at games, tests, whatever. I did everything in my power to be the person you didn't want to sit next to in class or lunch. I isolated myself, and did it with a proverbially straight face.
I didn't want to be liked. I didn't care for friends.
Being alone was so much better…
But then, I met you.
And you changed everything.
"Balloons."
"Bananas."
"Blueberries."
"Backpacks."
"Books."
"… … Damn." Raito whispered, scratching his head as he blinked tiredly. "Can't think of anything else. Let's play something else, huh?"
"Raito-kun looks exhau-sted." Lawliet sang out as he ruffled the other boy's hair, looking every bit as smug as an emotionless 18-year-old shouldn't have looked. "Maybe he should take a nap."
"I'm ok." Raito muttered as he buried his head into the crook of Lawliet's shoulder, eyelids contradicting his statement as they drooped even further. "It's not like I have heavy bags under my eyes and am ten times more pasty than the rest of humanity like some people in this room…"
"I fear Raito has made an insult on my behalf."
"Even if I was," The brunette smirked as he closed his eyes, not aware of another set of eyes watching the pair from outside the clear windows decorating the door, lab coat as sparkling white as the walls of the hospital room and eyes just as clear as the retreating sky hanging above outdoors. "I doubt you would give a damn anyway."
Lawliet kept his gaze trained to the one locked on his own, leaning his head against the smooth sepia locks cushioning his chin as he felt his arms tighten around the other.
"If you say so, Raito-kun…"
You changed everything from that first day our eyes met and you just had to know all about me, and the funny thing is, you didn't even realize it at the time.
Though as time went out, I would find out just how oblivious you really are, and it still kills me to this day that I had to fall for the most unaware guy on Earth. I have to say, Rai-chan, I have never meant anyone so naïve in my life. And Raito, I mean that with as much affection and affinity a person can put in that one sentence.
But not only that, it's just…
Well, to put it frankly you're really just too… idealistic.
You think the good guys should always win, and that there's always this perpetual battle between some cosmic forces we can't see that determines all our fates, and criminals are all bad, and innocents are all good…
How can you live life so… narrow-minded?
But it's you… and as much as it drives me crazy sometimes, I don't think I would want you to change if given the chance.
Sometimes, you give me this look as if you think the very same thing, when you're not so heavily guarded and those walls come down in a heap so that all that's left is you and me.
Remembering each passing glance… it makes me so furious to even think about.
How could you want me this way? So broken?
Because a part of me is, you know.
And when you look at me in that special way-
It just reminds me how much it all actually hurts.
"Raito?" Lawliet poked the boy in the head as he shifted closer to his person, watching the 17-year-old yawn cutely against the crook of his neck. "Raito… wake up."
"Huh?" Bleary brown eyes blinked as a small red spots of warmth formed on the cheek Raito had been resting against Lawliet's shoulder, the shades of sleep still clouding the boy's vision as he fought unconsciousness once more.
"I think the doctor is trying to get our attention." Lawliet pointed at the door, his eyes losing the somewhat giddy emotion that had been lingering within them. "I do not think he's giving us much other choice in terms of time, then."
"Uh… whatever." The tired brunette shrugged before leaning forward and stretching his arms over his head, barely managing to get out of the bed without falling onto the floor in a heap of wrinkled clothing and limbs. "I guess I should get going, then. Do you need anything for tomorrow morning?"
Lawliet smiled as he waved the boy away, his eyes taking on a cold edge as the doctor knocked on the door before opening it slightly.
"Is it alright if I speak to you, Lawliet?" The doctor asked with a somewhat genial look on his wrinkled face, his aging face giving Raito a slight glance before sharply turning back to the 18-year-old still lying within the plain hospital bed in the middle of the room.
"Could you give us one more minute, please?" Was the prickly reply, the small narrowing of the hospital patient's eyes noticeable only to Raito himself as he fidgeted with the sleeve of his collar shirt, feel rather awkward from the tense environment of the room.
The doctor barely nodded before Lawliet leaned forward and grabbed Raito's arm, gleaming eyes softening as the teen bewilderedly stared at the door, wondering just why Lawliet seemed to hate that particular doctor so much.
If this is the end, then I don't think I really have the right to complain, anyway.
My life hasn't been so bad in comparison to others. It might've been… shorter than I would have liked it to be, but I've lived more in this short amount of time that most other people in this world.
Before I can even dredge up some of your inner-monologue in my own head, don't take that the wrong way, inner-Raito. This isn't some valiant death wish about how I just can't take this anymore, or giving in… or whatever other petty plea even I can think of.
I don't want to die.
But there are two truths in this world.
Being born is the beginning, if such thing exists.
And death is the end.
It is an inevitable path that every human walks upon, and it makes up each of our stories, intertwining us all together no matter how different we may be.
Being afraid…
There's no point in feeling such a useless emotion.
"I'll miss you until tomorrow." Lawliet smiled once more, a sense of doubt still lingering in the back of his mind as he thought of what exactly he was doing.
"Me too." Raito sighed before giving the boy a hug, all he could actually conjure as he caught sight of the doctor giving them a look from between the glass of the door. "I'll be back bright and early tomorrow morning, ok?"
"I wouldn't expect anything less, Raito-kun." Letting the boy go, the dark-haired teen sighed as Raito beckoned the doctor within the room, waving back at him with a slight smile on his face. "And hopefully, you won't expect anything less from me in return."
And even if every part of me is terrified at the thought of leaving you behind…
I don't think I can do this anymore, Raito. I don't care about the pain, and the suffering, and the embarrassment I feel…
It's your eyes.
It's your exhaustion.
It's your tears.
It's your life.
You'll understand…
"Excuse me?"
"… … You heard me, doctor."
The stark white hospital room seemed to ring with silence, only punctured by the beeping machines and dripping of the I.V. still attached to the 18-year-old's arm.
"Are you telling me that you're actually refusing anymore treatments?" The doctor almost dropped his clipboard as the boy in front of him simply smiled and nodded. "But… but just because you haven't been responding as well as we would have liked, doesn't mean that we should continue until we reach a definite answer! You may still have a chance!"
"Of what?" The smile slipped off the boy's face as those dull gray eyes seemed to distance themselves away from the situation at hand and retreat back into his own mind, something that drove the doctor into near madness. "More chemo? Future bone marrow transplants? Failed recoveries? I think I'm done, sir. I think I've been done for a long time, and we've both known this."
"And your family and… friends?" Sitting down in the chair opposite from the bed, the older man glared at his patient in a form of hostility that even Lawliet himself had never seen on the doctor's face. "What do you plan to tell them?"
At the thought of the future (his mother's crumbling face full of tears, his brother's withdrawn glances of betrayal, his father's tired sighs of disappointment), Lawliet almost faltered.
'Just push it all away…'
"I'll deal with all that when the time comes."
Almost.
"For now, I think we should speak of other options, doctor…"
The look of Raito's distraught face (the one he knew would nearly kill him in seeing, the one he knew that would define just how messed up this relationship really was, the one that made him just as angry to think about as those beautiful saddened eyes) lingered in the back of his head as Lawliet closed his slate gray eyes and let his mind wander once again…
Won't you?