Jealousy.
This stinging feeling stemmed from insecurity and somehow always connected her to Hiccup. As a naive young girl, Astrid secretly admired the bright freckle-faced boy at distance. She always watched him. Whether out of awe, vexation or simple morbid curiosity. He was always within her eye range. As they approached their adolescence years, she started viewing him differently. His flaws became more prominent to her. Former admiration vanished. Replaced by sheer aggravation for his accident-prone nature.
Her attention eventually wavered and his presence became a dull itch in the background. Still far from the nonchalance she longed for. When it came to him, she could never be solely indifferent. Despite her sour feelings towards him, he mattered. He was the Chief's only heir. Berk's future rested upon his palms.
The unexpected outcome of their last training sessions reignited her irritation. They had been making preparations for an ongoing war and he just waltzed off in the middle of that. Only to later best her in the most demeaning way. Her envy escalated and animosity began to mount. She could hear herself growling at the mere mention of him. He was nothing but a nuisance to her at this point and would remain so.
Thus the events that followed left her utterly stunned. Her burning hatred slowly faded into obscurity and she felt lighthearted suddenly. Later she realized she had become accustomed to associate him with all her troubles. While the resentment wore off, she decided he was still to blame for her inner turmoil.
Her frustrations with him lived on, now caused by a foreign sensation budding inside her cold heart. Over the years it grew more passionate, pushing her to acknowledge her new reality. She kept tightlipped about it even though her physical outbursts were becoming occasional. Her advances however lessened when he became farther detached. She found herself on the verge of hating him again but her pride stopped her from making a showcase about it.
She grew quiet whenever he passed by, nodding at her out of courtesy. Her chest expanded painfully and self-loathing arose. It was so easy for him to toy with her emotions and she had all but herself to blame. They initially obtained a friendship, albeit restricted, based on mutual respect. It consisted of light banter and coy glances that made her so giddy on the inside, she almost forgot she had once felt otherwise. Up till his sudden withdrawal. Their relationship took a superficial turn from there forth. Earlier hopes of progressing into something more profound, all but shattered.
Still, her gaze stayed firm on him. Eyes never strayed. Heart remained loyal. Even when former bitter feelings began to resurface, the silent yearning never stopped. She watched with a heavy heart as he approached and courted heiresses from other tribes due to his father's pressuring. Soon he would wed one of his eager suitors and forget her completely.
She felt discarded and unworthy, cast aside to dust away. The clenching in her chest worsened and grew unbearable by the time his engagement was official. Her eyes did not shift when he emitted a smile at his bride to be. She refused to look away even when the pain intensified.
In the aftermath of the wedding, he spared her one last lingering look. It was the same look she had once cast him. Cold and devoid of almost all emotion except one.
Pity.
She let out a humorless laugh and slackened against the stone cold wall, numbness finally overtaking her.
Tune in for more drama in the next chapters. I almost feel bad for his wife. Almost :)
For those who are reading Affinity, I will try to update it sometime next week.