Tazusa unzipped the fluffy, long, grey coat and let it fall onto the ground before letting her blade slice through the ice.
"Tazusa," She turned back to Coach who stood there watching, he seemed to want to say something, but then he shook his head. "Just, do your best." Tazusa nodded, but as she turned around once more to skate towards the center and to begin, she couldn't make herself feel prepared. She had been practicing for months now, this same routine, but it just never came together like she wished. She felt like an old woman who was ready to retire. The best preformance of her career was behind her; Torino 2006. How could she possibly hope to do better than that final flight? She hadn't been on the ice publicly since then, and her heart raced as her nerves got the best of her. The crowd's loud cheers began to die down as the lights around her dimmed, and Tazusa lifted her hand into the air. The soft yellow outfit she was wearing gave a beautiful contrast to her dark hair and set a cheerful tone, but this tone was dampened by the hard stare on her face. She could not force her face into a bright smile. She could just hear Ms. Nasty's remarks about it, but Tazusa just couldn't bring the corner of her lips to curve upward.
The blare of music announced the begining of her preformance, and Tazusa found herself swirling around the ice, but her heart refused to go into it. Just like for the last few months; she was alone on the ice. It was lonely and solitary and the absence of someone beside her caused a tear to edge closer to the corner of her eye.
"Pete." She said it aloud, just like if he had actually been there, but there was no response. The first jump came, a fairly simple one compared to a Lutz or a Flip, but even then it was difficult for Tazusa to land it perfectly. She heard the crowd give out a soft murmur, but Tazusa ignored it. She didn't care about them, or anyone else. She just, she just couldn't put her heart into it.
Her eyes flickered towards Coach for a moment to see him shaking his head. He had done all he could to help Tazusa, but there was nothing to be done.
Skating backwards Tazusa looked upwards towards the bright lights, and then spun around to begin her next leap into the air. As her foot touched the floor there was a moment of horror as Tazusa felt herself fall backwards and she skid across the ice. Laying there for a moment, she wondered if she should even get up, or just let them come and take her away. She couldn't skate anymore. She had grown so used to having him there for support and to play off of, but now he was gone, and so was Tazusa's motivation. Why had she skated before all of it happened? She couldn't even remember. Having Pete with her had become so natural, and it felt like it had always been that way; as if it were supposed to be that way. But no, this was how it was suppose to be: without someone constantly looking through your eyes and without someone sharing your body. Then why did she not feel right?
"Tazusa!" Coach called out.
"Tazusa!"
It was Pete's voice, but it was only a faint memory. Tazusa sat up, and a low clap came from the crowd as she got to her feet after that considerably hard fall. The meet was ruined now. She had spent too much time on the ice. "Don't give up Tazusa, we have customers waiting!" Tazusa found herself smiling a bit at the memory. He had always encouraged her not to give up or be let down. Tazusa pushed herself forward, and tried to get back into the routine, but she found it even more difficult. A sharp pain struck her knee, and she fell down once more. A loud gasp came from the crowd and she saw Coach begin to step out onto the ice. Tazusa felt the hot tears building up more quickly now. "Didn't you say you hate crying?" Tazusa bit her lip and stood up once more, and she could hear the murmers turn into a loud hum of conversation. To the side, Coach stepped off the ice, and she felt the whole arena watching her; waiting to see what she would do next. There was no possible way for her to save the preformance now. Tazusa slid across the ice unsure of what she was going to do. There was nothing left in her. She couldn't give them anymore, she had given her whole self to them at the Olympics, but...
"I made a promise." Tazusa reminded herself. "A promise to keep him alive in my heart." Her voice was strong and determined. She had to keep this promise no matter how hard it was. Her skate dug into the ice and she felt herself leap with the music, and as she landed perfectly like a miracle. A small chorus of claps came from the stands trying to encourage Tazusa ahead, but something had changed in her. All of Tazusa's determination and energy had come back to her. She had to do this: for Pete. Her leg lifted high, and another sharp pain came to her knee and she had to put it down faster than she planned. "Pete,"
"The Show Must Go On, Tazusa!"
Tazusa took a deep breath and surged forward. She had to continue. She had to let it go. She had become a different person at the Olympics, she could not fall back into her old sullen self. She had to be as carefree as the wind, she had to bring Pete back to life with each jump; she had to fly. Tazusa's arms pumped forward quickly, and she lept into the air almost touching the sky. "That's it! Tazusa!"
"Yes," Tazusa skated backwards and she felt herself falling into the routine again once more with ease. "Yes, to keep you alive in my heart... I have to..." She was once again in the air. "I have to soar!" The pain in her legs began to melt into the background as the uplifting emotions came over her."To fly..." She jumped again and she heard the crowd give out a cheer, but that was not what caused Tazusa's heart to burst. She could feel him next to her; giving her silent support. He had not died on that snowy lake in February, no, he lived within her. Tazusa streached out her arms, and she imagined his own arms underneath, as if they were both skating together. "Pete, we will always skate together!" For the next two and a half minutes she flew across the ice with an unstoppable heart and his arms around her. She lept up into the air once more, but as her foot left the ice she felt the difference in this one jump as she soared. She came down with a crushing pain in her knee. "Ah!"
"Ouch!"
It was more than just a fall though, her whole knee had given out from under her, and she grabbed at it as the pain refused to cease.
"Tazusa!" This time Coach did not hesitate before coming onto the ice and then he was right next to her. "Tazusa, what happened?" She shook her head. She didn't know. She had hurt it early on with her careless mood, but now it had come back to haunt her.
"I have to finish." She said trying to push back the tears, but Coach shook his head violently. She wouldn't be able to finish even if he could have told her yes. Not after him coming onto the ice, and not after so many mistakes and falls, but if she didn't... Pete.
"Come on, Tazusa." Coach supported her in standing, but she gave out a sharp cry as the pain filled her knee. "Tazusa!" She bit her lip as they moved on to the side, and she heard a loud, almost wild clap begin to come from the surrounding crowd. She could not lift her head to face them though as she stepped off the ice. A group of medical aides swarmed around her, and as they sat her down in a room off to the side of the arena. She could still hear the cheers of the audience and the muffled voice of the foreign speaking announcers.
Tazusa lay on the bed looking up towards the ceiling. Many people had come to see her, but she had turned them all away. She had failed Pete. She could not keep him alive. A knock came from the door, but Tazusa did not speak. Perhaps they would think she was alseep and let her be.
"Tazusa-ne?" Tazusa ignored her, and rolled over on her bed. She wasn't hungry, or anything. Her knee didn't hurt much anymore, but she still used it as an excuse to stay within her room. It had only been a first degree sprain, but the doctors had said if she had pushed herself any harder on the arena, she could have made it much worse. That reassurance could not stop the pain in Tazusa'a heart. She had needed to finish that preformance for Pete as well as herself. The door to her room opened, and Tazusa shut her eyes trying to look asleep. "Tazusa-ne?" Yoko's voice came through the room, but Tazusa only remained silent on the bed. She heard Yoko come closer and then Tazusa's bed depressed as the girl sat down beside her on the bed. "Tazusa-ne, I know you're not really asleep." Tazusa did not respond but only continues to lay there. "Please come downstairs." She begged. "I have something I need you to watch." Tazusa's eyes opened, but she did not speak. "Tazusa-ne?" Tazusa looked up at her younger sister, and saw the genuine worry in her sister's eyes. "Please?" Tazusa sighed as she sat up and nodded. She had been putting her off for months now. No, even before Pete was gone she hadn't been a very good sister. Yoko smiled brightly as Tazusa stood up without a hint of pain. Following her downstairs, Yoko babbled on about dinner and other things, but Tazusa couldn't focus on what she was saying. Yoko stopped just outside of the living room and then turned to Tazusa. "Please don't be angry with me." She begged and Tazusa stood unsure of what she was planning. Yoko lead her into the living room and sat her down onto the couch. Sitting down beside the T.V., Yoko pulled out a casset tap and slipped it into the player. Tazusa's eyes began to tear up as the image of the arena came on the screen and she wanted to scream at Yoko for putting that dreaded image on; her failure to Pete. Yoko turned to Tazusa as the screen moved to her taking off her coat. "I know you have been avoiding this." Yoko said. "But I think to move on you have to see it." She explained. "Please, watch it." Tazusa stood up from the couch, but she couldn't speak. If she did it would only be hateful words and shouts. "Please!" Yoko grabbed onto her arm, and the sound of Tazusa's first fall reached their ears.
"I can't watch that." Tazusa hissed under her breath. She hadn't watched anything or read anything about the meet, and she wasn't even sure who won. She knew the media probably ate it up like chocolate: Tazusa, The Olympian's Unexplainable Breakdown.
"Please, just once!" Tazusa's fist balled up.
"Come on now, Tazusa. She's just trying to be a good sister."
"Shut up, you. You aren't even here anymore to make me feel bad!" Yoko let go of her arm and Tazusa gasped as she turned to her. "I didn't mean you!" She said grabbing onto her shoulders. "I was just... going crazy." The sound of quiet clapping came from the T.V. and Tazusa looked back to see herself getting up from the ice. She forced herself to sit back down on the couch to let Yoko know she was serious. Yoko smiled as she sat down beside her sister.
On screen, Tazusa skated forward weakly and a close up of her face revealed tears in her eyes. Tazusa's fists balled tightly as she watched the torturous scene, and Yoko's smaller hand wrapped around it. Tazusa refused to look at her though. She was the reason she was watching this torture! On screen something changed on Tazusa's face and she appeared to be speaking to herself, and then... she leapt into the air. It was the greatest jump Tazusa had ever done and she leaned forward as she watched it: miraculous. Even more so when she knew about the pain happening in her leg at the time of the jump. The clapping of the crowd was cut short as Tazusa lifted her leg, but then appear to stagger as she put it down early. For anyone who would be watching it for the first time, it appeared as if Tazusa would not be able to go on after that, but then, just like Tazusa knew she would, the Tazusa on screen rushed forward. The jump that happened next sent the crowd cheering wildly, and as if to respond to that cheer, the Tazusa on screen blossomed into a cheerful smile as she began to skate backwards. Tazusa watched with tears building up in her eyes once more as she watched herself fall back into her routine and soar around the rink. The crowd was cheering happily, and the Tazusa on screen erupted into a torrent of jumps, flips, and appeared to be in pure ecstasy.
"There we go, Tazusa."
Tazusa felt the tears poor over her eyelids and she began to gasp as she cried. She had done it. It had not been the cheers of the crowd that had pushed her forward into the sky, but Pete. Tazusa wanted to look away as the fateful end came closer, but she could not take her teary eyes away from her face on screen. She didn't even look in pain right then. The next jump, the one that she knew would end it all, came. At first it looked flawless and Tazusa soared through the air as she leaped, and to Tazusa's surpise she landed it perfectly, but it was only a second later that she saw her knee buckle and she fell onto the ground with a loud thud. What happened next was complete silence as she watched Coach rush forward and herself on screen clutched her leg tightly. It was clear to anyone who saw it that the injury that had brought her down was a previous one from earlier. Her last jump had been perfect in every way. As Tazusa got up and limped off of the rink, the crowd went wild in cheers, but at the time Tazusa hadn't even paid attention to it. She had been in too much pain and filled with a sense of shame to even notice the cheers, but now they caused Tazusa to cry hard. It washed away any sense of failure from her as the crowd aknowledged her success.
Yoko's arms wrapped around her and Tazusa hugged her back.
"Thank you." Yoko held her more tightly as Tazusa sobbed onto her shoulder.
"I knew, if you would just see it, you would feel so much better." Yoko explained. "You looked so beautiful." Yoko's voice was dreamy and Tazusa knew she wasn't just saying it. "One of the newspapers even commented by saying you had transformed into a '50 billion dollar beauty' in those three minutes." Tazusa smiled at this, but she did not let Yoko see it as she continued to hug her.
Tazusa stepped onto the ice rink and the crowd in the arena burst into a loud chorus of chants. Tazusa stopped within the middle of the rink and smiled brightly up at the crowd. They let out a cheer, and Tazusa waited for the music to begin once more.
"Come on now, Pete." She whispered. "Lets give them our best!"
"Okay!"
As soon as the music began Tazusa swirled around the rink and she could feel Pete's presence as she let out a giggle and leapt into the air; almost touching the stars.