Thick eyelashes and heavy eyelids fluttered gently open. Ocean like blue eyes were greeted by the constant movement of the ceiling fan overhead. Arizona Robbins sat up, lifting her leg over the edge of the couch, her heavy grey blanket falling to her the floor at her foot. She hunched over, cradling her head in her hands, her blonde hair falling in a tousled mess over her arms. Sleep was the only retreat she had from the hell that had become her life. The hell that she herself had created. She reached down beside her, lifting her prosthetic leg from the floor and attaching it to the stump where her leg used to be. She sighed, wiping away a tear that was threatening to slide down her face. Waking up was the worst. For one brief moment every morning, she was able to forget about her mistakes and her missing leg and believe that things were still okay and right. Then, cold reality would set in, bringing along with it a weighty, empty feeling in the pit of her stomach. She forced herself to get off the couch, folding the blanket neatly and setting it at the end of the couch. She made her way to the kitchen, preparing a pot of coffee, resting her elbows on the marble counter top as she waited for it to finish.
The door to the master bedroom creaked open and Callie groggily padded toward the kitchen, giving Arizona a quick once over. Callie's dark eyes met Arizona's stunningly blue ones for just a moment before Arizona anxiously averted her eyes, nervous for today's nasty comments, shouting matches and bouts of endless tears from the both of them. The distinctive, strong smell of coffee filled the apartment as the pot bubbled to completion. Arizona poured herself a cup, adding copious amounts of sugar to the mug. The sugar brought back memories of her first encounter with Lauren, the other half of the reason things were so bad.
"That's my coffee you're way over sugaring," Arizona remembered her saying. She had looked up, her eyes slowly travelling over the body of the other woman until their eyes met. It had felt as if she'd been locked in a gaze with her, unable to tear her eyes away.
Who would have known that one quick, flirty encounter at the coffee cart would have led to a steamy night in the on call room? A steamy, sweaty, hot night in the on call room. One that Arizona would never forget, no matter how much she wished she could. It wasn't even a full night. It was two hours at the most. Two hours of Lauren's hands and lips going to places that Callie's had only gone to maybe twice in the last year. Arizona shuddered at the memory, pulling herself out of her reverie and moving out of Callie's way so that her wife could get a cup of coffee as well.
Arizona observed Callie's body language carefully, trying to gauge today's mood and level of anger and bitterness. She sipped her coffee carefully, trying not to allow the steaming liquid to scald her tongue too badly. She cleared her throat, preparing to ask a question and readying herself for any snappy remarks that might follow it.
"So... are we riding to the hospital together today?"
Callie paused, her lips pursed. The spoon she had been using to stir her coffee was gripped tightly in her hand for a moment, she got the urge to throw it in a sudden and overwhelming wave of rage. She snorted, finishing stirring the coffee and tossing the metal spoon in the sink, the clattering of metal on metal resonating throughout the apartment.
"Maybe you should see if Lauren will give you a ride."
Callie's eyebrows arched with anger, her eyes boring into Arizona's. Her gaze was cold and harsh. Arizona let out a deep sigh, looking down at her feet. The clamor of the spoon hitting the sink had woken Sofia who was loudly babbling from her nursery at the other side of the house. Arizona set down the mug of coffee, steeling herself for any comments that she might elicit from Callie and meeting her wife's dark, furious eyes.
"Calliope-"
Callie snorted once more, rolling her eyes dramatically and turning away from the love of her life angrily. Arizona had always been the only person besides her mother and father that called her by her full first name, Calliope. To everyone else, she was just Callie. She used to love that Arizona called her that but lately it had done nothing but piss her off and bring up once good memories that had been spoiled and made rotten and bitter by Arizona's affair. Arizona sighed once more, straightening her shoulders, holding back the tears that were on the verge of emerging from her eyes.
"You can't punish me for this forever. I'm so sorry. I messed up so badly, I know. I will do anything to make it up to you and make things right again. I... I love you. I love you so much. But you can't keep doing this. If you aren't going to forgive me then this won't work. Just give me another chance. I won't let you down, Calliope. I swear this time I mean it. What can I do to fix this?"
It had been a dreadfully long two weeks since Callie had discovered her wedding ring pinned to Lauren's scrub top. The scrub top that was actually Arizona's. It was true that she would do anything to make it up to her lovely Calliope but Arizona didn't know how much longer she could stand getting the cold shoulder and not a single kind word said to her everyday. Maybe it was just time to call it quits. The thought made Arizona's chest tighten and her throat constrict in an attempt to choke back more tears.
"Build a time machine?"
Callie didn't give Arizona time to say anything back and instead stomped away into Sofia's room, lifting her from her crib and putting on a fake smile for her daughter. She cooed happily to her, dressing her and preparing her for daycare. She then threw her own hair into a messy bun and dressed herself, storming furiously out of the apartment. The door slammed loudly behind her.
Arizona let out a sob, sinking to the floor, cradling her head and rocking herself gently back and forth. There was no-one she could talk to about her mistake, no-one who understand, no-one to listen. That was the worst part of it all. It had been a mistake for sure and she deeply regretted it but part of her still felt as if she was in the right. Callie had betrayed her. Her wishes had been to have any medical necessities taken as long as it meant she didn't have to lose her leg. And maybe that would have meant she would have died but Arizona didn't want to live with only one leg. Callie had promised she wouldn't lose the leg and her dear sweet Calliope had broken that promise. Sure, Arizona had broken a much more monumental promise; the promise of marriage. But to her, the promise that she wouldn't lose her leg was equally important. The loss of her leg had led her to feel ashamed of herself, like she was a freak. She couldn't stand strangers' judgmental and pity filled eyes boring into her on the street whenever her prosthetic was acting up in public. Even her friends and colleagues treated her differently.
And was it so bad to want to feel as if someone besides Callie wanted her, even with her missing leg? Maybe it was but Arizona couldn't help feeling that way. She couldn't make the deeply rooted feelings of resentment for her wife having made the decision to amputate her leg go away either. Those evil seeds had been planted the moment she woke up from the anesthesia and found she was missing her leg and they had since blossomed into a dark, twisted tree of anger, bitterness and resentment. At least Callie now had a matching tree.
Her own feelings were confusing her. She felt so conflicted. Callie had done things wrong as well. There had been mistakes on both ends, not just her own. Confusion swirled within her mind everyday like whirlpool. She regretted it without a doubt. A couple hours of not thinking and just losing herself in someone else had not been worth the hurt she had caused Callie, nor the drama she had brought upon herself. Yet at the same time, part of her felt as if Callie almost deserved it for letting her down. She was torn, confused. She didn't know exactly how she felt most days but she did at least know that it wasn't worth losing Callie, no matter how good it had been and now matter how much pent up emotion she held for Callie. Some days the regret won her over and some days the resentment won. Arizona Robbins was a hurricane of thoughts and emotion and the only thing for sure was that she knew she would never figure herself out.
Arizona lifted herself off the cold tile floor, no longer allowing herself to wallow in her sadness and confusion, using the counter as leverage to raise herself to a standing position. She readied herself for another day with the tiny humans at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, the knowledge that there would be another fight to come sometime before the day ended weighing heavy on her heart.