The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the empty skies, my love,
To the dark and the empty skies.
Sirius refused to open his eyes. Instead, he recalled the expression that remained forever etched in his mind, a strange look of confusion and mischief and willing deviation that was so very rare in Remus Lupin. Sirius clung to the memory of the Moony and Padfoot who were untainted with kisses and feelings and everything else that threatened their friendship. It was easier that way. Easier to recall a time before he'd finalised his affections for the werewolf as he just had, springing further abnormality upon the boy by kissing him with such an honest and undeniable yearning. Sirius didn't want to open his eyes, because there wasn't a chance in hell that this could be real. Sirius Black wanted Remus Lupin. He wanted to kiss Remus Lupin. He wanted Remus Lupin to kiss him back. But as privileged as his upbringing had been, Sirius never once got that which he wanted most. That his fortune could change in a mere heart's beat and touch of lips against lips was impossible to conceive. Remus had kissed him back, but it didn't make the slightest bit of sense.
Remus' breath felt warm against his lips, the ghost of the touch that preceded it. Sirius felt the light pressure of Remus' nose nuzzling against his cheek as the werewolf rested his forehead against his. It was as if he was asking him to open his eyes and to simply look at him. But Sirius' faith in the werewolf was outweighed by his doubt in himself. How could the beautiful wizard before him, graced with flaws which only made the beauty more glaringly obvious to him, possibly want this as much as he did. Sirius was anything but good for him. He wasn't good for anybody, as years of disappointment to the point of loathing had proved. And yet it was Remus who made him want to change. Remus made him want to be better, because Remus was better. Not that Sirius would ever tell the boy that. Sirius Black had a reputation to maintain; Sirius Black acted as if he believed he possessed as much worth as the next young wizard. If this hadn't been the case, if Remus hadn't made him feel as if being the Sirius Black he actually wanted to be was possible, than he might not have obeyed. He might never have opened his eyes and allowed himself to rest them upon the werewolf before him, the werewolf he had just kissed and in doing so allowed behind the walls that Sirius regularly raised in the form of charismatic wit and charm and obnoxious pranks, not that those qualities didn't become him. Sirius brought his eyes to meet Remus', and for the first time he saw him.
Sirius saw lips that twisted into a clumsy smile, clearly pleading for the prior moment to be repeated and soon, but too timid or too proud to carry it out himself. Sirius saw the scars, but more than ever he loved each and every one of them. He wanted to trail gentle fingertips along them until Remus accepted that they were as alluring as Remus himself, yet as insignificant as the fact that they were both males or that they possessed all the wrong bits (or all the right ones). Sirius realised that the moon was not so much a curse. Although he'd willingly tear it from the skies just to free Remus from the chains it ensnared him in each month, he wouldn't part with a single moment that that orb had gifted him. The pain, Sirius would give anything to relieve the werewolf of. He'd steal the curse from his veins if only such were possible. Remus had lived with it long enough. But for Sirius, the hardest part of each full moon was that he couldn't share in it. It was Remus' alone. Sirius hated being alone, but even more than that he hated the thought of leaving Remus alone.
Sirius, the dog star. The dark skies were home to a multitude of stars and yet Sirius felt as isolated as if he were the only star known to the black abyss. It was the full moon that had brought him solace. Remus thought he was a slave to the moon. Sirius often found himself agreeing. But Remus was no slave. As helpless as he was in those few hours in transformation, Sirius saw him for what he really was. He was strong, brave, so much so that even his bitterness at his condition couldn't undo it. Like the moon and the stars spanned across the dark and empty skies, Remus Lupin, the werewolf who transformed when the pristine orb spilt its malicious light upon the world, had somehow filled the vast emptiness that engulfed him. They were his gift. And Sirius couldn't help but love him for it. Remus must have known this, for when Sirius' gaze finally met that of the other boy's, he saw that the sun rose in those warm, amber orbs. Remus was so much more than the night. He was the very thing which breathed life into the world; his world.
The first time ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth move in my hands
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command, my love
That was there at my command.
Remus was anything but shocked. What use was shock when this was precisely what he'd wanted to happen ever since it had first occurred to him why Sirius irritated him so much, why his cheap charm and all round appeal bothered him when it really ought not to and why Moony had seemed to take a particular liking to the dog. As insane and impossible to explain as this was, any explanation was utterly unnecessary. Remus wanted to kiss Sirius. Sirius had seemingly wanted to kiss him. It simply was. And Remus accepted it just as he accepted that Sirius Black was probably the most obnoxious and yet the most endearing person in the entire universe. To Remus Lupin, Sirius was the most singularly important person in his existence. What Remus could not accept was the reluctance Sirius had to look at him. He felt his very body ache for another glimmer, another spark, of the flames that had erupted between them when Sirius had brought his lips crashing against Remus'.
Remus strove to avoid confrontation. He loathed confrontation just as adamantly as he believed words were more effective than actions. Kissing Sirius most certainly fell under the heading "confrontation". It was dangerous, the potential for disastrous consequences being endless, and yet as unavoidable as the collision of two comets set on a course from which they could not escape. Remus had forever lacked control. He couldn't control the twists and torment that took hold of his body with the rise of the full moon, nor could he control the actions of the wolf even the slightest. He'd always hated that. But as Sirius brought those stormy orbs to meet him, as wicked as the full moon yet infinitely more welcome, he realised there were some things he didn't want to control. Something stirred in Remus and if he were to even attempt controlling it he'd never feel Sirius' lips against his own as he so wanted to. There were some forces that ought not to be ignored. Sirius was one of them.
Like the pull of the moon on the oceans nearest that spanned the distance beneath, that which caused a high tide of emotions that were almost beyond words; desire, yearning, thirst... Remus' lips found Sirius' of their own accord, just as one hand rested on the back of Sirius' head so as to bring him closer, nestled in black tresses that were softer than appearance suggested. It was enough to do away with Sirius' fears and reluctance; parting his lips, Sirius allowed Remus to deepen the kiss. And as he did, Remus felt as if the very earth moved in his hands. This kiss, the rush that coursed through him temporarily numbing all other senses purely to hone in on that which seemed to matter most in this given moment in time, it changed everything. For the first time Remus had something to lose. For the first time he feared more than just the moon that mocked him from above. But he wasn't alone in this; with Sirius pressed against him, locked in a tight embrace, he could feel the trembling heart of the other as if it were his own, a captive bird fluttering in hope of release. It contradicted everything he knew about Sirius. It was no secret that Sirius was a remedy for much of the ailments that affected Remus. Deny it, he did, but Remus needed Sirius. Around Sirius, he was still a werewolf. But somehow it didn't matter as much or bother him as much, because somewhere down the line Sirius had forced him to realise that he was so much more than that. Yet never had Remus thought he was the very thing which freed Sirius from his own captivity. Remus was afraid, but Sirius was just as much so. They had suddenly entered into a world of possibility where not only liquid joy but solid happiness was actually attainable.
Their forms temporarily melded into each other as each boy sought the closeness and comfort that the other offered, that only the other offered. The first time ever Remus kissed his mouth, the one that spouted words of spite as easily as words of assurance and was so commonly stretched into an obnoxious smirk, he knew he'd discovered the secret behind Sirius Black. There was never a wizard deserving of more love and, Merlin, was Remus ready to love him. Sirius Black, he who had seen beyond the scars and the lycanthropy, he who had withstood the full moon and the monster it turned him into, the monster Remus feared he'd become all the time.
And the first time ever I lay with you
I felt your heart so close to mine
And I knew our joy would fill the earth
And last till the end of time my love
It would last till the end of time my love
Remus was asleep. Remus was always first to fall asleep, though he put up a good fight if he sensed Sirius needed to talk. This was no such occasion. Words had failed them, leaving nothing but raw kisses, hands tracing bare forms, the expression of something that neither he nor Remus could put into words. Not only was it too trifling for words, but it would cost them to admit that they cared for each other. That they loved each other. That they had wanted to do terrible, illicit things to each other and that it felt this good. Sirius couldn't help but grin as he recalled the fruits of that first kiss; for once, Remus surrendered to the feelings he professed to give a damn about, feelings he normally reserved for poetry and old novels. Admittedly, Sirius had forced the message upon him, confessing his feelings through brute force of lips on lips. But if Sirius had said I love you than Remus had said it back.
Refusing to part from the boy, not even for a breath of much needed air, Sirius had let their entwined forms drop to the four-poster bed at which point he slammed the curtains shut around them, casting a quick spell or two to preserve their privacy. It was then that he caught sight of the expression that graced Remus' features, one wholly unfamiliar yet enough to assure him that this was no mistake. Sirius had never seen such an enticing mix of self-assurance and determination on his face. Remus knew what he wanted and he was going to take it. Fuck, you're beautiful, Sirius voiced inwardly before all coherent thoughts were lost amidst a sea of crashing desire, pleasure and overwhelming tenderness that he didn't know he possessed and the scent and taste of Remus Lupin assaulted his senses.
Countless times Sirius had snuck into Remus' bed by nightfall. Remus liked to pretend he couldn't hear the whispers of his friend from across the short distance that lay between their four-posters, in hope of catching a wink of sleep he supposed. But Sirius had never taken a liking to being ignored. Countless times he'd tiptoed across the floorboards before sliding his way under Remus' bedcovers, all the while cursing the cold of the castle. But this was the first time ever Sirius lay with Remus. Remus' hand still rested on Sirius' chest from when he'd first drifted into his slumber signifying that tonight was different to all the nights it proceeded. Tonight, they were Moony and Padfoot, Remus and Lupin. Tonight, they weren't entirely alone.
It wasn't the heat that radiated from Remus' skin or the fire that blazed in the depths of his amber eyes that Sirius recalled most vividly. It wasn't the way his name slipped from between the werewolf's lips as he pushed him to the limit with his touch and tantalising kisses that Sirius clung to. And yet these were each precious in their own way, insights into the Remus that only he had the pleasure of witnessing. It was the steady beat of his heart once the storm had passed, once the roaring fire had been reduced to embers gently glowing against the dark that night offered. Sirius felt Remus' heart close to his own, not only the thrum which he'd come to venerate over time, but everything that it granted him. Sirius had never known anything more pleasing than lying with Remus, being with Remus. Just Remus. This, their secret, was greater than any moon, brighter than any star; it would fill the earth and last until the end of time. Because it had already passed the test.
The first time ever I saw your face, your face,
your face, your face
Prior to that moment, the first time ever he saw his face, Sirius had never known love. He'd never loved. And yet Remus had made it so that this couldn't be further from the truth. As impossible as this was, it was the one and only thing that made anything and everything possible. For the first time.