ESCAPE FROM BALTIMORE: A GAME OF TIME WIZARDS
There is a series of stories lost to time itself, as the adventures of the time wizards are those adventures where the wrongs that time envelops the world into are eventually made right. This is one such tale. Sing to me, o muse, the tale of the Brony Time Wizards as they did face trials and tribulations after Bronycon.
As the Brony herd did descend upon Baltimore, as they did in the past with New York City and Secaucus, another entity lay dormant beneath the hearth of the convention center. Known as a time stream, it is an amalgamation of all of the events of the day as they pass by a kind of checkpoint on their way into the annuls of history. However, as the convention goers experienced powerful memories that would last eons in their consciousness, the time stream became inflamed. All of these events came to boil over as the seismic activity from Bronypalooza disrupted the physical space around the time stream and caused fluctuations that rippled through the day.
From these fluctuations there is born a blessing and a curse. Time crosses the wires between the realm of the imagined and reality. From this stew there comes forth all kinds of otherworldly horrors. But fret not, because balance exists within the whole of time, even when it is at its worst. To bear this balance and bring stability to the time stream, time wizards are created. Time wizards are those beings whom are imbued with powers that are derived from the memories of the events surrounding the time stream's fluctuations. They, unwitting or not, have the abilities to combat these terrors for the good of time itself.
As the first fluctuation passed through Baltimore, caused by the earthquake that was the beginnings of Bronypalooza, three beings began the process of recording and storing their experiences within themselves instead of sending them to the time stream. Without their knowledge, these three were marked to become full-fledged time wizards once the time stream reaches a critical mass.
In the instance of the first fluctuation, the first time wizard had just bloodied his knuckles after giving a massive amount of bro-hoof's. This event, as it was being transmuted into a record, was absorbed by the time-wizard-to-be instead of passing on as events and memories should. At the same instance, the second time wizard had escaped a close encounter with bondage fursuits. The third time wizard was ditched by a friend.
More events in the day passed as these did. The first time wizard declared Fluttershy as his waifu, encountered people roleplaying as Alicorn OC's, became assailed by BO, and found himself freezing in the game room.
The second time wizard was able to conduct successful espionage, overheard someone using internet slang in regular speech, saw another dressed up as an OC, and was caught in the middle of Bronypalooza itself – and heard nothing but WUB WUB WUB.
The third time wizard experienced a crowd of people shouting 'fun', someone actually using the phrase love and tolerance, someone referencing 20% cooler, and found a male cosplaying as a female character.
These events would eventually imbue themselves within the time wizards, granting them the power to change the current time stream using the essence of the events themselves. Once they realize their powers, time wizards find that they are able to change the present, limited only by their imagination. It just so happens that these powers manifest as soon as all hell breaks loose.
The time stream hit critical mass. From the gaping maw of time immemorial and the realm of fantasy did burst forth a multitude of terrors that descended upon Baltimore on the Monday after the convention, while our heroes were asleep. The three time wizards awoke to what they thought was their original hotel room. Unaware of the transformation their surroundings had undertaken the night before, they descended down the elevator. They noticed an eerie silence about them, as the nights before were filled with the sounds of merriment and the general chicanery of the bronies. Their questions were answered as the elevator doors of the Lord Plaza ground themselves open to reveal the hotel lobby was filled with a horde of neckbeard zombies.
Surrounded by at least 700 less-than-shaven beasts, the time wizards stood in shock and dismay. However, this was quickly allayed as the second time wizard was able to deftly avoid the mass of neckbeard by taking control of the time stream and imbuing the present events with the essence of memories past. He thought to escape this close encounter with the zombie neckbeards, as he did with the bondage furries earlier in the week, and upon relaxing his control of the time stream he and his cohorts were able to sneak out of the hotel lobby without attracting the attention of the horde.
However, this moment of relaxation was short lived – as the zombie neckbeards had an innate sense for those who were into the same kind of things they were into, even if they didn't want to outwardly share these feelings. As the time wizards were bronies themselves, it was impossible for them to completely avoid the horde.
Sensing his newfound powers and the impending sense of doom that the enroaching neckbeards were about to wrought, the first time wizard decided to take helm at the controls for time and changed the flow of time in order to roleplay as an alicorn OC. With his new and completely overpowered powers as an alicorn princess the time wizard started to turn the undead with the power of the Brony's sun goddess, Celestia.
In an effort to assist the turning of the undead, the second time wizard took control of the time stream and was able to augment the first time wizard's powers and granted him the additional power of restoring the undead to their former neckbearded selves instead of turning them. He did this by weaving WUB WUB WUB's into the current moment such that a dubstep version of Evanescence played as the first alicorn OC time wizard dealt with the undead menace.
And lo the sultry bass of Evanescence did restore the neckbearded horde into the rightful glory of their former, still neckbearded, selves. However, the victory was short lived as the time wizards did look upon what used to be Baltimore in august horror. Not just the hotel, but the entirety of Baltimore was subject to the machinations of the time stream gone wild with the thoughts and imagined craziness of every event that only comes to pass in the back burner of a being's mind. The streets filled to the brim with all sorts of of fandom-inspired creatures, greatest of all being a giant anthropomorphic furry that, like a Kaiju, ravaged the cityscape of Baltimore down the street from the very place the time wizards did stand. A wall stood opposite of the hotel, trapping the time wizards on their single street with only two avenues they could proceed down.
Before the time wizards could decide on further action to take, they were set upon by a trio of homestucks, coming straight for them down the street to their left. They appeared to be warriors of active classes, as they readied their strife secubi and began to attack the time wizards. The first alicorn OC time wizard altered the time stream in order to assail the homestucks with BO, gathered and concentrated from the neckbeards within the hotel. Utterly destroying the homestucks, where there was once a city block now lay a giant cloud of BO fallout. Any sense of danger from the former homestuck warriors was allayed as they now lay as dust in the wind of 1000 years of the stench of 700 neckbeards.
Immediately after dealing with the homestuck warriors, five more homestuck troll warriors were seen approaching from the street on the right and a giant spider burst forth from the upper levels of the hotel and descended upon the time wizards. Despite their grim circumstance, the third time wizard was able to relay the phrase love and tolerance to the spider through the waves of time. With this, the third spidery time wizard did befriend the spider and was able to ride upon it as a mount into the fray. The spider was hitherto named Fluffy.
With the spider pacified, the other two time wizards turned their attention to the homestuck troll warriors. The first alicorn OC time wizard called upon the neckbeards with his grasp of time and commanded them to bloody their knuckles by giving each other massive amounts of brohooves and that they shouldn't stop until their arms calloused over from the act. As the neckbeards followed through with this act, they began to realize that they had achieved a new form themselves. Their calloused stumps no longer resembled arms with hands on the end but gave the appearance of hooves instead. So blessed they were to become part pony that they declared the first alicorn OC time wizard their new pony god, Starswirl the Neckbearded. In their first act of faith, they formed a standing army and charged against the homestuck troll warriors using the crushing power of their newfound hooves to devastating effect. Massively overpowering the five warriors, the neckbeard army gave a shout and dedicated their first victory to the first alicorn OC time wizard, Starswirl the Neckbearded.
As the taste of victory sated the pallets of the neckbeard army, the stakes rose as the giant furry turned to face the commotion in the streets below. With the giant's decision to engage, the time wizards took action and the first alicorn OC time wizard, Starswirl the Neckbearded routed the present such that each member of the neckbeard army could roleplay as their own 300-inspired Spartan OC. The final battle was set. On one end of the narrow street stood the funk of 1000 years of neckbeard con stench, in front of which stood the three time wizards and their neckbearded Spartan army. The other end of the street stood the mighty giant, king Furxes, and his hordes of Purrsians, an army made up of thousands of furries ready to do battle with the time wizards.
The stage was set with no escape except through victory, and building on the morale of earlier victories the god of the neckbeards, the first alicorn OC time wizard, Starswirl the Neckbearded, stood before the army of neckbeard Spartan OC's and promised a bounty for those who gave their lives valiantly against the furry hordes: "FOR TONIGHT... WE DINE... IN EQUESTRIA!."
A roar emerged not just from the neckbeard army, but from the enroaching furry horde as the first wave charged in. With numbers that equaled the Spartans, the furries formed a deluge that rushed down the street. Acting fast, the time wizards sought to strengthen the resolve of their armies and the third spidery time wizard enacted upon the time stream to make them 20% cooler, but the first alicorn OC time wizard, Star Swirl the Neckbearded had discovered a way to enhance the changes made upon the time stream. Thinking outwardly, he could see the instant the other time wizard made contact with the time stream and found he could further manipulate the changes that would be brought. However, attempting to weave these new changes distorted the time stream and garbled what messages he wanted to bring forward. His original idea was lost to time itself, as the only idea that came to pass was:
Form wall
The Spartan neckbeards did hear upon this call and formed themselves to be 20% more like a wall. But this was not a full Spartan wall, and their efforts fell vain as the furries charged. 200 of the neckbearded Spartans fell to the first charge and forced the time wizards and their army to give what little ground they had. Redoubling their efforts in their final stand the third spidery time wizard once again called upon the essence of her time powers to make the neckbeard army 20% more like Rainbow Dash. And so did the Spartan neckbeard army did grow wings and rainbow highlights in their hair.
The first alicorn OC time wizard, Starswirl the Neckbearded could only look on in dismay as his experiment with his new powers had failed him and his neckbearded cause. He gave his army hope only to fail at creating use of his time powers and the time stream he could potentially have control over.
But he did look upon his Spartan OC neckbeard warriors and saw a renewed hope. As they returned to the fray, mere moments after substantial loss, they fought with such intense vigor and a strength that no man nor pony had seen. A glorious battle did take place and the neckbeards fought valiantly. Despite the previous adversity, with the help of the time wizards, they were able to beat back the first wave of the furry menace without any more loss.
And this did fill the first alicorn OC time wizard, Starswirl the Neckbearded with hope of escape. Mistakes must be made in order to gain mastery over time itself, and he found the resolve to continue taking risks. For how could victory be achieved easily when faced with the furry masses?
A calm had hushed upon the battlefield as the second wave of the furry horde made itself ready, and the time wizards took the opportunity to call upon some allies. The third spidery time wizard used the calm to make a change to the time stream and summon a portal to Equestria from which came a crowd of Pinkie Pies shouting 'fun.' The first alicorn OC time wizard, Starswirl the Neckbearded, then saw another opportunity to further alter the time stream and from the echoes of garbled time did come to pass the message:
Baked rum loincloth
Which did inebriate the crowd of Pinkie Pie clones and provide much soporous feelings to enhance the "fun" they were attempting to have. The Spartan neckbeard army did rush to the aid of the drunken, high Pinkie Pies, whom for some reason were in loincloths, and move them to a safer part of the battlefield. To buy the army some time from the second wave, the second time wizard used the internet slang word of power "420 blaze it faggot" in order to create a wall of fire between the army and the furry horde.
However, this would not deter them long as King Furxes had made preparations of his own. The time wizard's earlier clashes with the homestucks had created the perfect opportunity for the King to make an ally from the enemy of his enemy. Leading the second wave, a combined horde of furries and homestucks that outnumbered the Spartan neckbeards 5 to 1, was Grimbark Jade. The terrifyingly evil mix of the furry and homestuck fandoms made corporeal and given the powers of the witch of space. She was easily able to manipulate space and render the firewall completely ineffective. With this, the furry horde did breach their defenses and begin their attack and the time wizards had to act fast in this battle of space versus time.
As the fighting commenced between the Spartan neckbeard army and the furry horde, the second time wizard had an idea to defeat the furry menace once and for all. It was a complicated plan that would take its toll on the army and demand many sacrifices, but after conferring with the other time wizards they took to the field to enact their plan.
The second time wizard began his alterations on the time stream and used the internet slang word of power "beat it off" to give a command to the Spartan neckbeard army to use their wings in order to move the BO cloud behind them into the furry horde. While the neckbeards had some resistance to their own malodorous auras, many could not weather the eye-stinging storm of the maleficent cloud. However they did strengthen their resolve and push forwards, losing many but using their partially pegasus powers to move the cloud on a collision course with the furry horde. And all the while they knew their efforts were not in vain FOR THEY HAD SEEN THE PORTAL TO EQUESTRIA, AND THEY BELIEVED.
Working in tandem with the second time wizard, the first alicorn OC time wizard, Starswirl the Neckbearded, needed to find a way to move the second time wizard out of the path of the cloud and its putrid wake. The third spidery time wizard could use her spider mount in order to ascend the nearby hotel and escape while the first alicorn OC time wizard, Starswirl the Neckbearded, could simply use his alicorn OC wings. However, this left the second time wizard trapped. The first alicorn OC time wizard, Starswirl the Neckbearded, granted the second the ability to roleplay as the alicorn OC princess of bondage, "Coated in Pleather." Thus with his new wings, the second time wizard could escape the path of their odious siege weapon.
As this all was happening, the third spidery time wizard did ascend the wall of the hotel with her spider and made her own change to the time stream in order to give the crowd of Pinkie Pies a severe case of munchies so that she would be ditched by the Pinkie Pies. Thus the crowd of Pinkie Pies did return through the portal to Equestria in order to satisfy their munchies on the entire contents of Sugar Cube Corner. With the battlefield clear and the second wave of the furry horde slowly succumbing to the awesome stench of 1000 years of neckbeard BO, part two of the time wizard's plan could come to pass.
In order to minimize Grimbark Jade's effect on the battle as it commenced, the first alicorn OC time wizard, Starswirl the Neckbearded, used his influence on the time stream to have King Furxes declare Grimbark Jade as his waifu and with these new feelings he did order Grimbark Jade's retreat from the BO cloud. Using the time stream to plum through the depths of Furxes mind did reveal to the first alicorn OC time wizard, Starswirl the Neckbearded, a terrible secret that could be used to the time wizard's advantage.
King Furxes was not actually a giant anthropomorphic furry, but a well-crafted full fur suit. Thus contained under the visage of the King was a neckbeard like one of their own, though with a vile hatred of those with allegiance to the brony herd. A neckbeard of that size could very easily withstand even the most rank of neckbeard BO, as he has had to walk around in fight in a giant fursuit for this entire battle.
Not deterred, the first alicorn OC time wizard, Starswirl the Neckbearded, decided to assail King Furxes with BO and fill every space in his fursuit with a powerful and noxious BO. With this, the second time wizard, Princess Coated in Pleather, once again called upon the power of the time stream and used the internet slang words of power "420 blaze it faggot" to set all of the methane-rich clouds of BO ablaze, purging the battlefield in a giant firestorm. The massive explosion left a giant, charred scar in the face of Baltimore.
The only survivors were the time wizards, Grimbark Jade, and a handful of the strongest-willed Spartan neckbeards and furries. The second time wizard, Princess Coated in Pleather, was able to conduct successful espionage and spread dissent among what was left of the furry's ranks. Further altering the time stream in order to augment his espionage let forth the following idea from the garbled weave of time:
Cupcake swear I am love bi scared of sheriff have a wearing a motherfucking prat kilt clad in fluttershy that apparently you look your motherfucker crate and barrel
Which was able to distract what remained of the furry horde, using a sale on Fluttershy-inspired kilts at the local Crate and Barrel. However, the local sheriff was also standing in front of the store, thus making the furries self-conscious. Instead, they decided to just go buy cupcakes instead. And apparently they looked bi.
With the furry horde soundly defeated and King Furxes a pile of irradiated ashes, Grimbark Jade attempted to abscond from what remained of the battlefield. The first alicorn OC time wizard, Starswirl the Neckbearded, in the final act of the battle was able to freeze the game Sburb and lock Grimbark Jade in a hardware halted state.
However the first alicorn OC time wizard, Starswirl the Neckbearded, made an alteration to this event before it passed to the timestream and like all other edits it spawned its garbled form into reality:
Sold as non-total knight Ronald Reagan
Reagan would use his time wizard powers to make non-total sales a form of Reaganomics such that he could control the supply of money and not have to pay the time wizards for Grimbark Jade until another time. Although Reagan showed his hand as a fellow time wizard, he was able to make off with Grimbark Jade and spread the terror of what happened to Baltimore all the way to Washington DC, where he was able to change time once again and be elected President of the United States. As it was their duty as time wizards, the three followed in hot pursuit – to make right what was wrong with the time stream.
Jesus Christ, I actually wrote that.