A/N: I know you probably hate me right now. I had promised a new chapter of "A Study in Contradictions." What can I say? It takes me just a half-hour or so to come up with these one-shots. Angst practically writes itself. I'll try my very best not to get side-tracked again and go back to my multi-chapter. This is the Alicia equivalent to "Ad se ipsum". It might be read as a prequel. So again angsty, angsty, angsty. Finally, the Italian readers among you can realize just how angry I am with Alicia just by reading whom I compared her to with that first quote.
"Don Abbondio, continually absorbed in thoughts about his own security, cared not at all for those advantages which risked a little to secure a great deal. His system was to escape all opposition, and to yield where he could not escape."*
The sentence immediately after "I'm in" had been the greatest act of cowardice of her life.
"But you tell Will."
Cary had seemed utterly shocked but then had speedily agreed in exchange for her telling Diane.
It seemed fair. It wasn't.
Yet, the only way she could pursue the path she had just chosen was by refusing to talk to him. Because Will would react heavily to this news and she could not witness the aftermath of the atomic bomb on him.
It would annihilate her. It had the destructive power of making her change her mind in a few seconds of glancing into Will's eyes.
She had rejected him romantically more times than she would have wished to. Will would have accepted her renewal of vows with Peter and kept being her friend. Because that was who he was. At least who Will Gardner was around her.
"I like myself around you, Alicia. I don't like myself around a lot of people."
That night of what seemed like lifetimes before he had freely admitted that their relationship benefited him too. They could drop all pretenses when they were with each other. They neither had to be ashamed of themselves nor to systematically calculate each word like in a game of chess.
The problem was that when Will and Alicia were being just Will and Alicia theirs was not just a friendship. It was a rapport based on mutual trust, respect and undeniable attraction.
It was love. There was no other possible word to describe it.
It was herculean to fight love everyday and her energy reserve was almost down to zero. Soon she would find herself stopping their kisses less and less and thinking more and more about him.
Distance from Will was the only way out of this labyrinth that was her life.
It was gargantuan to hurt the person you loved. The two opposing forces were ravaging her mind in a battle to the death. To arrive to the outcome she had rationally chosen, she needed external help in the form of not seeing what she was doing to Will.
Plausible deniability was a concept lawyers played with almost on an everyday basis. It was her life-raft in this circumstance. Maybe she had exaggerated his reaction. Maybe he had gotten much better at dealing with associates leaving and trying to poach clients over the years. Maybe Will would see it an opportunity to move on. Maybe Will would understand.
That Maybe was her only protective gear and she held on to it with all her might.
Entering into Diane's lair she had been welcomed by a smile. She was probably already redecorating the Illinois Justice Court in her head and expected to be talking about that.
"Well, well, well, the wife of the Governor. What an honor!"
"Diane, I have something important to tell you."
"Ok, please sit. Don't stand there."
She needed a fast way out. Sitting would have made her lose precious seconds.
"No, I'd prefer to stand."
Her expression immediately turned serious.
"Is there another problem with my nomination?"
"No, no, don't worry. Peter hasn't said anything to that effect."
"Then, what?"
"Diane, we are starting a new firm."
Her eyes threatened to flee her eye sockets but she maintained her poise.
"We?"
"Cary and I. And the other fourth years."
She looked repulsed.
"So you are the ones who have been creating trouble with the clients. Well done, Alicia. I could have suspected Cary, but never you."
"Diane,..."
"It's a smart move. The timing is perfect with Peter becoming Governor and me possibly leaving to join the Supreme Court."
Then something occurred to her because her expression from revolted suddenly became worried.
"You have never deserved him."
"Cary?"
"No, not Cary. You and him will make an outstanding professional team. I'm talking about Will. Cary is in his office having the same conversation with him, isn't he?"
She nodded, shadowing the truth would serve no purpose.
"And I imagine you were the one who suggested this arrangement."
Diane was perceptive but how would she know that?
"You know, Alicia, when we were still "Stern, Lockhart and Gardner", Stern called me into his office one day and offered me partnership. I told you the reason why he did that. What I didn't tell you was who I bumped in the race for a seat at the table. My mentor. So I understand your reasoning, Alicia. I always saw in you a competitive streak that if fostered would have grown into a full-blown make-no-prisoners attitude. And look at that, I was right."
"And I am right also in thinking that you don't truly want to understand what you're doing to Will."
"It's not different that what Cary is doing to you."
Diane erupted in an incredulous laugh.
"You keep telling yourself that. Maybe one day you'll convince yourself it's true."
She paused, got up and peaked into Will's office. She was tempted to join her but refrained. A few more minutes and she could be in the clear.
"Has Will ever told you how your hiring came about?"
Diane was trying to guilt her into staying. She had already processed this piece of information. She would live.
"Yes, there were two applicants, and he asked David Lee to vote for my hiring."
"Sure, but that was only phase two. We had already decided on Cary and I, for one, had no intention of hiring another first-year associate for a competition."
She tried to school her face into complete indifference but her glimpse of surprise did not go unnoticed by Diane.
"Will came to me and asked for a favor. It had never happened before."
She absolutely did not want to hear this. The list of things that Will had done for her was already long enough.
"Diane, with all due respect, I don't think it's time to talk about what happened 4 years ago."
"I have a possible new career in front of me, Alicia. I have Kurt and we are actually getting married. In a few years, when it won't sting so much, I'll look back at Cary and be proud of having chosen him. He deserves to be a name partner, he has all the qualities to make it big. I'll invite him for coffee, he will thank me for taking a chance on him and I will smile and nod at his successes."
"At the moment, you're deluding yourself that the same will happen with you and Will. Let me tell you something, it won't."
She took a couple of fast breaths to fool herself in believing that she was maintaining the calm.
"When Will gets seriously betrayed, he doesn't yell. He gets incredibly quiet. He mopes, drinks and works himself to exhaustion for days and then comes up with a plan for revenge. He never forgives."
He never forgives. She would have to live in a world in which Will was furious with her. Forever.
"I admit that you have a power over him that nobody else has. So maybe he won't execute any kind of elaborate revenge on you. But you'll never get him back as a friend."
Think about that damn press-conference, Alicia. It was worse then, wasn't it? Be dull. Don't let Diane get to you. Don't cry.
"And you more than anybody else should know what having a friend like Will means."
The tears could not be stopped anymore but she rushed to find a handkerchief to quiet them. She did know what having a friend like Will meant.
It meant not seeing him for years and then having him call back a few minutes after leaving him a message. Not pitying her, making her laugh and then reassuring her that he would find a solution to her job problem.
It meant having him discuss strategy on her pro-bono case, while he had barely deigned Cary with a nod.
It meant receiving champagne after her first win. She didn't recall Cary having been given such a gift.
It meant having him ready to drop anything he was doing to concede her his full attention, no matter how banal the matter at hand.
It meant not forcing her to talk about a kiss, him going above and beyond to avoid any awkwardness.
It meant him bringing dinner and drinks to her office. And then memories and jokes. Being casual and blunt.
"So is it always going to be this way, between us?"
What Diane was telling her, what she deep down had already realized was that Always for her and Will ended that day.
She went pale all of a sudden, her lungs constricted and an immediate sense of nausea took over her.
A panic attack.
She needed to get out of there, to breathe.
"Diane, I'm sorry. I have to go"
She ran towards the hall as fast as her disconnected body would let her. Being incapable of minding her surroundings she bumped into the one person that could only worsen the situation.
He gave way for her and didn't say anything but before the doors could close she accidentally met Will's eyes.
Being haunted by that image would be her new always.
"You, lonely bird, reaching the evening**
of this life the stars grant you,
truly, cannot regret
your existence: since your every
action is born of nature.
But I, if I can't
evade through prayer,
the detested threshold of old age,
when these eyes will be dumb to others,
and the world empty, and the future
darker and more irksome than the present,
what will I think of such desires?
Of these years of mine? Of what happened?
Ah I'll repent, and often,
un-consoled, I'll gaze behind me."
* This comes from Chapter I of Alessandro Manzoni's "The Betrothed."
** This one is the English translation by A.S. Kline of the last stanza of a poem called "The Solitary Sparrow" by Giacomo Leopardi. The summary is the original Italian version of the last two lines. Although very depressing, it is one of my favorite poems. I'm sorry for the inclusion of Italian quotes in some of my stories because a lot gets lost in translation but when reflecting upon Alicia after the finale this is the poem that popped up clearly in my head.