AN: I wrote this because I was feeling a little, check that, a lot depressed. I had a serious down in the dumps funk that makes it a little dangerous to get behind the wheel of a car.
So I figured, getting feedback makes me feel happy, so maybe I should just write something that could get me a little feedback, then maybe I'll start to feel better. Well, this is the result of that need for feedback. I hope it works, and you enjoy it.
Spoilers: None really. But references are made to certain eps - so if you know JAG and are a Harm-Mac shipper, you'll know it.
2300 ZULU (1800 Local)
JAG HEADQUARTERS
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA
The ice felt nice against his bruised forehead.
Harmon 'Harm' Rabb Jr. looked out the door of his office to stare at the one woman he wanted more than anything in the world, and the one woman he had always been afraid of pursuing.
His eyes drank in her figure, from her modest 2-inch heels, up her ankle, up her sexy calves, up her knees that disappeared under that skirt he was sure the Marines hadn't designed to be sexy.
That didn't mean he didn't find it sexy. Of course, it was his thoughts of the parts under the skirt that made it sexy to him, but still...
His gaze continued scanning upwards, past her skirt, up her blouse, round the curve of her chest, to her slender neck, to her beautiful chin, her luscious lips, her cute nose, her sexy as hell eyes, her expressive brows... he looked at her so intently like he was trying to memorize every contour of her body. Because he was.
He needed to memorize her, because his mind needed more fantasies to keep him from falling apart. His mind needed to imagine being with that woman seated 30 feet away... 30 miserable, might as well be oceans apart, feet away. His heart needed to imagine being with the one woman he had fallen hopelessly in love with. His body needed her too, and that's why the fantasies were necessary as well.
Not that he was bored of all the ones he had already created - especially his newest favorite one - which was ripped straight from real life. Just thinking of it made his breath catch, and while he knew he should stop thinking about it, once the Sarah MacKenzie fantasies started, Harm wasn't actually motivated to stop them.
oxoxoxo
AN HOUR EARLIER
JAG CONFERENCE ROOM
"Mac."
She looked up from her file and glared at him. "What?" she asked curtly.
"... I... uh, dropped my pen."
Annoyance marred her beautiful face. "And you want me to fetch it for you?"
"Uh, it's closer to your side."
"Forget it, flyboy. I'm not crawling under the desk unless there's a piping hot pepperoni pizza or a million dollars down there."
Harm looked under the table and saw where his pen had rolled to. He was sure if she just looked down, she'd understand why he wanted her to pick it up, and she'd actually pick it up for him.
Because the pen had rolled to right between her feet.
"Okay, Marine. I'll go get it." And he was sure the devil made him do it, because there was absolutely no way in hell the gentleman in him would agree to crawl about between her legs.
She grunted a reply, only half-listening as her eyes returned to the case file in her hand. He slid the chair back noiselessly and ducked under the table.
He knew his heart skipped a beat... or fifteen, the minute he caught sight of her perfect legs. He had it bad, he'd known he had it bad for her for a long time, but recently he'd had it worse. Two cold showers a day worse. Wake up wanting to touch yourself worse. Heck, scared to get out of your chair every time she walked by because you were so aroused worse!
In the dim light he saw she had kicked off her heels and was pushing her toes against the carpet trying to work some feeling back into her feet. Her movements though were pushing the hem of her skirt past her knee, up her thigh...
... Good lord, why hadn't he made a move on her before? Of course, he knew why - she... she was the one. If she turned him down, or worse, dumped him after they were together, he would never recover. And Harm knew that once he had Sarah MacKenzie, he could never ever want another woman.
So now he was reduced to this, leering at her when he thought no one was looking, and now, crossing over into full perverted teen / minor sex offender mode for just a glimpse of what lay up her skirt.
Up her skirt! His heart pounded harder and it sounded loud in his ears. Surely she could hear it, because it was all he could hear.
He inched closer to her legs, his fingers absently seeking the pen because his eyes were busy seeking something else. Yes, she still wasn't crossing her legs... dear lord, why wasn't she crossing her legs? If she did, then he wouldn't be tempted to the dark side, be tempted to leer, be tempted to do more than leer...
Because she was still busy massaging her toes against the carpet. 'Thank you whoever put carpeting in here. Thank you thank you thank you.' Harm gave thanks silently.
His eyes adjusted more to the dim light to make out the shape of her thighs beyond the hem of her skirt. 'Thank you for fixing my night blindness. Thank you thank you thank you.' Harm gave more thanks.
Yes, a little more... a little... Hallelujah! HALLELUJAH!
Harm's eyes bulged. She usually wore pantyhose, not that... stocking... garter... panties...
"Harm?"
His head popped straight up in response to his name. Unfortunately for him, it popped straight up into the solid mahogany that was the underside of the conference table.
The last thing he remembered was stocking... garter... panties... Mac...
oxoxoxo
PRESENT TIME
HARM'S OFFICE
"Harm!"
He jumped to attention when he realized Mac was shouting his name. She was at his doorway, the look of concern in her eyes at his response... or lack of response to repeated callings of his name evident.
"Yuh?" he said with the eloquence of a drunk frat boy.
"You spaced out there, Harm. Are you okay?" she leaned over to remove the ice pack. The bruise to the side of his forehead didn't seem so bad - aside from the redness of where his head had met wood. Or as she described it in her mind, where hollow wood had met solid wood.
"Are you okay? Do you need more ice?" she asked.
"Yeah..." he said with a smile.
She smiled back and turned to get more ice when she heard.
"And you can get some for my pants too."
She turned back around and saw the unabashed look on Harm's face.
"Excuse me?" Mac asked.
"Yes?" he asked back with a sultry voice. She ignored it for the moment.
"You said you need ice for your... your pants?" Mac asked, and the minute it left her mouth she knew she must have heard wrong... what sounded like pants? Rants, dance, romance...
"I want you to touch me." Harm said in his sexiest voice.
"What?!" Mac positively screamed.
"I want you to love me."
Mac almost fainted. There was no way this was happening. No, this had to be some alternate universe and Harm had switched bodies with an alien.
"Don't you love me, Mac?" Harm asked, his sexy voice cracking in sadness.
"... Harm, I think we need to get you to the doctor."
"Mac, I just don't care any more."
She looked up at him, wondering what the hell was he talking about. "What don't you care about anymore?"
"Hiding my feelings. I want you. I've always wanted you. Heck, I've wanted you for as long as I can remember."
"Uh... sailor, I think that bump to your skull has loosened up your brain a lot more than we thought."
He took her hands in his and stared into her eyes. "Mac, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your babies." he stated clearly.
Mac tried not to laugh, in nervousness and at his addled state. Maybe she should have laughed because her heart broke at his confession.
It wasn't real. He... he's just got his head messed up.
"Harm, honey, I think... let's go to the doctor."
"Sarah."
She almost melted at the use of her name. Why did he have to say it like that? Why now, when she knew after his head cleared up, she knew he'd go back to... back to... what was it they had between them? Friends? Enemies? Frenemies? Frenemies without benefits? She wasn't sure, but she knew that she wasn't what he thought she currently was.
"Sarah. I love you Sarah. I want to make your babies."
Again with the babies. Well, not that she wasn't tempted.
"Harm."
"I don't care about JAG. I don't care about the Navy, I'll quit it all if I can just have you. Mac, marry me."
"Harm." she was panicking now. This was too much, too soon.
"I know you think I'm confused, but I've held back for so long, Sarah. I..."
And tears spilled from his eyes, surprising her.
"Harm?" she asked worriedly as he fell back into his chair.
His voice cracked, "You don't love me."
Mac was stunned by the turnaround. Good god, she really needed to get him to a neurosurgeon.
"Harm, we'll talk about it when you've seen the doctor, okay?"
"I fantasize about you."
"Okay." she said, unsure if she wanted to hear about his naughty dreams... oh hell she did. It made her body tingle - in anticipation and excitement with a twist of something forbidden.
"I fantasize about you every night. How, after work we sit down together and talk about our day. "
"That's nice." she said before realizing she said it out loud. But her words made him beam from ear to ear.
He continued, "And then we'd read stories to our little boy... he looks just like you."
Mac felt tears start to form in her eyes. Now he had her going. His tone of pure wonder and joy made her see his fantasy. Made her see their son.
"And better yet, Marine... he thinks like you too." Harm smiled proudly as he kissed her hand. "100% Mac, inside and out."
The love so evident in his voice made her yearn for his fantasy to be true. But it wasn't. A tear slipped out and rolled down her cheek. He reached out and brushed it away - like he always did. She didn't want to end the fantasy, but he needed to get to a doctor.
"Okay flyboy, you can tell me all about our family when we go to Bethesda, alright?" she said, blinking away the rest of her tears.
Harm nodded as he got unsteadily to his feet. "Alright, sweet thing."
oxoxoxo
0100 ZULU (2000 Local)
BETHESDA MEDICAL CENTER
Mac stood outside the waiting room when Harm's doctor came out of his room. "Colonel MacKenzie?"
"Yes, doctor. How's Harm? Is he okay? Is there any permanent..."
"Whoa, slow down, Colonel." the doctor said with a laugh. "Harm's fine, no permanent damage as far as I can tell, though he does seem to be quite the straight shooter..."
"What do you mean, doctor?" Mac asked concerned.
The matronly doctor motioned slyly to the nurses station behind her, particularly at the only blonde working there. "Well, he did tell the nurse over there that she needed to stop trying to feel him up and start doing her job."
Mac followed the doctor's thumb pointing out the nurse. Mac blanched at the sight. The nurse could have passed off as a young Heather Locklear. "Oh no, doctor, I think it's worse than we thought."
"What do you mean?"
"Harm's not interested in a blonde? I think he's lost his mind."
"To be fair, he... uhm..." the doctor blushed, "...did mention you."
Mac noticed the blush creeping all over the older woman's face. "Uh, me? What about me?"
"Well, he wasn't graphic or anything."
"Oh god."
"But he was quite effusive about how you're the only one who takes care of him. And he was looking forward to seeing more of your costumes..."
"Costumes?" Mac realized that she was still in her uniform. "Uh, I'm in the United States Marine Corps. This is my uniform."
"I know that... it's uh... well, something about a Russian nightgown and a gypsy outfit... and a Navy uniform..."
"Oh."
"And an embassy dress... and a flight suit..."
"I get the idea doctor." Mac blushed bright red. "Uh... but getting back to Harm... he's usually not so..."
"Not so?"
"Over sharing?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well... for as long as I can remember, that man keeps things pretty close to his chest. I mean for the longest time I didn't even know he had a..." Mac cut her rant short.
"Didn't know he had a...?" the doctor asked, interested and not just professionally.
"... This is going to sound crazy."
"My specialty, Colonel MacKenzie." she said, pointing out that she was indeed a head doctor.
"Well... Harm used to have a girlfriend who looked like me. Or who I look like would be more accurate."
"And?"
"And well, we worked together side by side for over a year before I found out about her. Heck, he didn't even tell me until I saw a picture of her myself."
"So he's not so open with his feelings."
"Sometimes I wonder if he even had any feelings."
The doctor nodded and made notes. "Okay, I'm going to have to reevaluate the answers he gave me then." she moved to go back to Harm's room but hesitated. She turned to Mac. "Colonel, seeing as you know so much about him, would you mind following me to verify the answers I get?"
"Oh. Yes, of course." Mac quickly followed after her.
oxoxoxo
HARM'S ROOM
BETHESDA MEDICAL CENTER
Harm was happy. Happy as a clam. Happy as a clam with gold wings.
He was flying, not for reals, and not because of painkillers either - well, maybe slightly because of those. He was flying mostly because he had told Sarah MacKenzie he loved her, wanted to marry her, wanted to make her some babies.
As far as he was concerned, he wanted to start on those babies ASAP. Yeah, baby making. Now he understood why Harriet was so excited about babies. And making babies with Mac had to be at least 12 million times better than making babies with Bud. 'Eww... Bud.'
'No, concentrate on Mac. Baby. Hmm... should he call her baby?'
When the doctor entered with Mac, he tried it out. "Hey, baby."
'Hmm, no, it didn't suit her. Maybe babe? Babe... Yeah, she was a babe.'
"Commander Rabb, I'm going to ask you a series of questions. Do you think you'll be up to answering them?" the doctor asked.
"Sure thing, doc." Harm answered and then peeked around the doctor to look at Mac. "Hi, babe." he waved at her. 'Yeah, babe fit her. because she was one. A major one. Babe... my baby-making babe.' he thought happily with a wide grin.
Mac blushed at his open... well, creepiness that's what it was. Once upon a time she would have loved if he showed even a fraction of his current feelings for her, but now that that bottle had been uncorked... or whatever happened when he hit his head, it was beginning to scare her.
The man in that bed was not her flyboy. And as much as she hated to admit it, she actually missed that arrogant, smug, cocky, know-it-all, sexy sex god.
The doctor started with the basics, which Harm aced. He remembered everything - name, social security number, service number, heck, he even remembered the name of the first girl he kissed - not something the doctor had asked about nor Mac could confirm, but he seemed quite pleased with the fact that he remembered Suzy Chambers.
"Do you remember who she is?" the doctor asked Harm pointing to Mac.
"Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie. But she wants me to call her Mac."
At Sarah's confirming nod, the doctor was going to ask another question, but Harm decided to volunteer more info.
"She's also the most beautiful woman in the world, my colleague, my best friend, the girl I'm crazy about, the mother to my children and... if I'm lucky the woman I'm gonna marry."
"Interesting order." the doctor chuckled as she glanced at the Marine Colonel. At Mac's questioning look, the doctor answered, "Kids, then marriage."
"Uh... yeah." Mac felt her already ever present blush deepen.
"We have a deal." Harm proclaimed proudly.
"A deal?"
"Harm!" Mac said harshly, hoping to shush him.
"Mac, I promised you I'll give you a baby. I'll give you two... twel..." he counted off his fingers and held them all out, "I'll give you that many babies!"
"Doc, what drugs is he on?" Mac asked, worried that the Harmon Rabb Jr. she knew and loved was now this... man-boy-child-thing.
"Just a painkiller, nothing too strong." she said before checking Harm's eyes and the CT scan in his chart once more.
"And he's... become this?" Mac asked incredulously.
"That's what I'm worried about too, Colonel." the doctor said, silencing Mac into deeper concern. After several long minutes of quiet which Harm spent making eyes at her, Mac finally broke, "What's wrong with him, doc?"
"Hmm... maybe it's best if we talked outside."
Fear gripped Mac instantly. She looked worriedly at Harm who stared at her with those warm eyes. Her resolve broke a little and she went over to him, brushed the stray locks away and planted a light kiss on his forehead.
"Mac..."
"Yes Harm?"
"You're so beautiful."
"So are you." she sighed, because he was.
He stroked her cheek as she left. She tried not to crumble at that point. She tried not to think about the horrible news the doctor was about to give her.
oxoxoxo
OUTSIDE HARM'S ROOM
"How bad is it doctor?" Mac asked, trying to keep the quiver out of her voice.
"Depends."
That made Mac mad. She had prepared herself for the worse and the doctor was acting so dismissive? "Depends on what?" she asked, her quiver now replaced with murder.
"How much of his old personality do you miss?"
"Doc, are you saying that this personality is permanent?"
"No, mercifully no. I think right now it's just an exaggeration based on the swelling to his frontal lobe. I think it's just making him rather impulsive. Was he an impulsive person before?"
Mac looked away shyly. "He shot a machine gun in court once."
The doctor's eyes widened in shock. "... Okay. I guess that might explain why he's ultra impulsive at the moment. Now seeing that he's a former fighter pilot, I'm guessing he's a bit of a risk taker as well?"
Mac thought back to all the reckless stupid stuff that Harm did in their years working together. "Yeah, he is."
"Okay... then maybe it's not so bad then."
"What do you mean?" Mac asked.
The doctor explained, "I already knew he had a frontal lobe injury based on his 'over share' as you say. But it was quite... a larger reaction than normal, and all I saw in his CTs were minimal swelling. So I was concerned that he had other, hidden conditions affecting him."
"Conditions?"
"Lesions, tumors... but I can see that since he's already an uninhibited sort to begin with, I can stop worrying."
"Well..." Mac started.
"Well?" the doctor echoed in question form.
"Harm's a bit of a prude."
"How so?"
Mac didn't want to relive how she came about that knowledge so she shared the cliff notes version. Unfortunately, the cliff notes became the full recreation of the scene by the time Mac was done.
The doctor looked at Mac, "So you're basing on the fact that he didn't want to see you topless made him a prude?"
"Well, the alternative did cross my mind."
"Which was?"
"He didn't find me attractive." Mac said sadly.
"You know he finds you attractive."
"Or he's gay."
"Okay, yeah I can see how you'd think that. What straight man doesn't want to see a woman naked?"
"A prude." Mac giggled.
"Actually, I wouldn't put it down to he's a prude, Colonel."
"Oh god, he's gay?"
"No, no." the doctor waved the idea away, laughing, "What I meant was... he's probably quite... uhm... carnal?"
"What?" Mac couldn't believe she was discussing Harm's sexual appetite with his brain doctor in the middle of a hospital hall. Granted it was a curiously empty hospital hall, but still.
"Have you considered that Harm actually was scared of letting go... because he couldn't control himself with you."
"What do you mean?"
"What if he thought... he's too freaky for you?"
Mac blushed so hard that she felt she must be glowing like neon. "Freaky? Harm?"
"Consider the following patterns of behavior. The traits that served him well as a fighter pilot haven't really helped prepare him for life as a person in a non-crisis reality. He's a risk taker and a hero type who makes lightning quick decisions at the cost of personal consequences."
"Yes?" Mac said, but not with any certainty.
"I mean, I bet he doesn't even lock his bedroom door when he sleeps."
Realization dawned on Mac. "Oh god. He doesn't even have a bedroom door."
"Ah!" the doctor was surprised into laughter. "Classic."
"Oh, god. You mean... all this time, Harm thought... I... thought... Oh my god."
"So Colonel, perhaps why Harm held back before wasn't because he's a prude. It probably took everything he had not to throw you on the deck of the ferry and... uh, make good on his baby promise right there and then."
"... he could have told me how he felt."
"He's telling you now."
Mac stared at the doctor in surprise. "But that's the injury talking."
"The injury may do a lot of things, but it doesn't make him a liar. In fact, the opposite might be true - he's probably unable to lie right now, because he doesn't really care about the consequences. If you shoot him down now, he'd probably feel less heartbroken than if you did it without the injury."
"Shoot him down?"
"Yes. I mean, it's obvious he... well, at least you know he wants to get in bed with you. But you haven't told him a single thing about your feelings. I can't assume you actually want to be with him, can I?"
"I told you about Australia."
"And this is Washington."
"Location doesn't change who we are." Mac said and electricity ran through her spine at the familiar words.
"No, but time does. And feelings change too."
"... I love him."
"Then tell him. Or better yet, kiss him. God knows maybe it'll shut him up instead of hearing him going on and on about how much he loves you."
"... Does he really feel that way, doc?"
"Maybe you should ask him that yourself."
oxoxoxo
0914 ZULU
HARM'S ROOM
BETHESDA MEDICAL CENTER
Harm slept. The painkillers made him sleepy. However when the painkillers faded, his headache didn't return. He was still woozy though.
He found her sleeping in the chair. 'God she's beautiful.' was his thought, and he knew that God was definitely involved in making her. 'Thank you thank you thank you.'
He grunted as he tried to get into a more comfortable position. It must have woken her because the next thing he heard was, "Harm, are you okay?"
"Hmm? Yeah." he said, before he realized that she was still in her uniform and it was dark out. Really dark out. "What time is it?"
"0414."
"Mac, you don't have to be here. God, I'm so sorry... you..."
She was already at his bed side, stroking his forehead. And then she leaned down and kissed him. Granted it was on the forehead, but it was still a kiss.
"Feeling better flyboy?" she purred. Or at least he wanted to believe that was what she did.
"Yeah. Wow... who would have thought a simple whack to the head would do such a number on me huh?" he said quietly.
"Maybe your head isn't as hard as we all originally thought." she chuckled as she perched herself on the bed.
"Yeah" he chuckled but it was low key. He suddenly felt sad.
He could see the moon glowing outside his window and it backlit Mac so beautifully. She looked like an angel - a sexy, lovely, gorgeous angel.
He could never be worthy of her. He'd hurt her too much before. He'll hurt her again in the future. In fact, he was no good for her. Or more accurately, he was not good enough for her.
"What do you see when you look at me that way?" she asked, her voice sounding almost fragile in its quietness.
"... You." he said plainly, hiding everything he wanted to say.
"Me?"
"You." he repeated.
"And what is me?"
"... my... my..." he struggled with the answer.
"Do you love me?" she asked, surprising him. He could have lied, but one look into her eyes, her beautiful, wild, passionate eyes and his resolve crumbled. "Yes."
"Do you want me?"
"Yes."
"Do you want to marry me?"
"Yes."
"Do you want to make lots and lots of babies with me?"
"Oh god, yes."
And her face lit up. He'd never seen her as happy as she was right now. She leaned in closer until their lips were barely an inch apart.
"Do you want to kiss me?"
"Yes."
"Then what are you waiting for, sailor?"
Nothing. And just as quickly there was nothing between their lips either.
oxoxoxo
MONDAY
1230 ZULU (0730 Local)
MAC'S APARTMENT
GEORGETOWN, WASHINGTON, D.C.
"God Harm, we're going to be late." Mac rushed to the door, trying to button up the blouse of her uniform.
"It's not my fault Marine." Harm came rushing out of her bedroom, actually already dressed for work.
"Of course it's your fault. I already warned you we didn't have time to shower together."
"You weren't complaining when I scrubbed your back."
"In my defense, counselor, for a back scrub, you sure got a whole lot of my front too!"
"And sides... and legs..." he said as he wrapped his arms around her waist and started kissing her neck again.
"Harm!" she said loudly, but her head still tilted to the side to allow him access to her neck.
"You know, I rather liked that position you showed me last night."
"Good god, Harm. You just got out of the hospital. I'm not sure you have medical clearance to resume normal activities yet."
"Hey, me lying on my back as you did all the work counts as rest."
"Hmm... and earlier this morning?"
"I was on my knees the entire time."
Mac's knees almost buckled at the memory. The man was a lawyer, a damn good one, so his career depended on his mouth. But she discovered that his mouth was also multi-talented, because it could do so much more than just talk...
"Harm, we still need to be professional at work."
"We're not at work."
"Yes, but we're in uniform." she sighed as his mouth worked her earlobe.
"I can get out of mine in 30 seconds."
She shut her eyes to block out the temptation. She tried one last gambit.
"You know Harm... I have a fantasy about us... regarding the conference room."
"Oh, care to share, Colonel?"
"Well... it starts with me crawling underneath the table to pick up my pen..."
Next Chapter: Spell Checker
For those who thought I could actually write more of this, I realized... I could try. So I did.