A/N: I wanted to write something that was hot, but I didn't feel like writing in third person, I don't know why, I just didn't want to write it. I thought I could put more of "myself" into the writing, and change it if I felt like it didn't work, but I like it this way. It doesn't have quite that "porn" feel too it, it's more of a memoir thing, it makes it less...perverted I quess, no, that's not quite it, it's still dirty, no matter what way I put it, Axel masturbating IS perverted.

I tend to put TOO much in it though, I tend to wander off and type about different things, and I think putting in that first person manner helped support that instead of it being too far away from the story.

Anyway you sick pervs, (I love you, and I appreciate every story hit I get.) enjoy!

Without a Passenger

Axel's POV:

The air conditioner was on, it wasn't that hot outside, but it was hot enough that I felt that there should be a constant rush of cold air in the wide yet cramped area designated for my own personal use.

I had spent the past few hours laying on a pillow, playing a mindless video game. I did not understand it's premise, I did not understand what buttons I was pressing, but I was letting my mind wander, thinking of things I had all but forgotten about, but things that did not matter or change my day to day life.

Everyone else was doing their own thing. I don't know if they knew where I was, or if they even cared. If they wanted me they sure as Hell knew where to find me. I didn't feel a need to let everyone know exactly where I was all the time.

That also meant I had no access to the internet, if it happened to be working at that time. I had no VCR to watch movies, I had video games, some paper, my bed, and my imagination. Nothing special, but it's all I needed. Everything that was of any higher quality was placed in the common lounge, because everything like that was found on another world, one we had not gone to very often, and everyone wanted to have it.

Right now I was bored. Roxas was on a mission to a world that was pretty desolate-not many Heartless were left, I wasn't too worried about it. He was a big boy, he could handle himself, if he needed me, he would tell me.

The video game-I still had no idea what I was playing-grew boring. I didn't feel like pressing the same four buttons over and over anymore.

I grabbed the pillow when I got up, stretching from being on the ground for so long. My arms popped, and I had to grab ahold of the bar on the back of my bed, my back feeling like it was melting as it stretched.

I was bored, there was nothing I felt like doing. Sighing, I unzipped my pants, my hand was still here, he's the only thing I even remotely wanted to spend time with right now. Discarding the tight-as-Hell pants of our uniform, I shrugged off my robe. I wore nothing but my black boxers and equally black shirt. Then, pulling back the heavy, off-white blanket on my otherwise plain bed, I sank down onto the mattress, feeling a bought of uneasiness when a pillow lodged itself underneath my shoulderblades. I couldn't imagine having to spend any amount of time in that position, so I pulled it out, replacing it underneath my neck. I very rarely actually slept with my head on a pillow. It was supported by my neck, and since I am one who generally sleeps on their side, finding a cmfortable spot to lay my head when I spent time on my back was difficult.

I always wore boxers when I did this. The feeling of having nothing there was a crude feeling, unless I had a partner there was no need for me to be in the nude completely. Everyone did it differently, I knew this. Demyx did it in the bathtub or shower-something I never understood, there's always this feeling of someone watching you, or, at least that's how I feel. Vexen always does it in his lab, another thing I could not fathom-his laboratory is easily comparible to an abandoned museum. Which doesn't sound so bad unless you've actually been in one. It's unnerving. Marluxia has to be in his garden every single time he does it...which is out in the middle of the courtyard of the castle, where everyone who cares to look out of the gaping window can see him doing it.

I don't know if either Roxas or I have any of those...I don't think doing it with boxers on counts as a strange quirk.

Today, I didn't even do it when I was feeling even remotely in the mood. I was just bored. I had no warming up-no books, no internet, no videos, nothing. There was no passion in these throws, there was nothing to support my cause, I was just finding a way to relieve boredom. Thinking about it didn't help either, it just made me feel dirty about it. It made me feel like I was disturbed by doing this. Like I had no real reason for it, I was just sick in the head. I couldn't imagine that there was somebody on me, or touching me, it didn't seem right, my mind still wandered onto subjects not to be thought about while doing this. I observed a number of other members doing the same thing. They all had a name to scream when they finished, they all had someone in their head that they were imagining, that they were picturing. I couldn't do that. The person I wanted made it perfectly known that they didn't want to be with me like this, and I respected them still. I couldn't think them in this position without feeling guilty about it later.

I grabbed my mp3 player, I needed something to distract my mind from thinking about odd things right now, I didn't want to be thinking about our grocery list while I was touching myself. I listened to the first song that came on, a heavy instrumental that I had always loved since the moment I heard it on some dancing game that the others liked to play. The strings were heavy, there was an undertone as percusion, but it wasn't the same as a bass. It tuned everything out, and right now, I didn't care if everyone else heard the legs on the bed shaking-if I didn't hear it, I didn't have to worry about it.

I had read it a thousand times, about people masturbating to music and finding the right "rhythm" to sync the music and their hand, but I could never do that. I had trouble timing everything, once I did something that felt right, I continued to do it at a speed that I liked, music be damned. The music just helped me tune out my thoughts.

It was hard getting into the right mood right now. I just wasn't feeling horny enough to do this. I didn't care. Today was one of those days where it didn't mean anything, but I needed to feel it. I needed to get that high, that feeling-that FEELING? What else do I call it? It's not an emotion, it's a physical feeling, it has nothing to do with my lack of a heart, we feel pain, we feel sickness, we feel it when we're horny. It's a different feeling, it's something else, and I needed it.

I closed my eyes, pulling the blanket down to cover all of my skin, albeit my feet, I never left my feet covered when I masturbated. I always left them exposed. I allowed my hands to wander down to feel everything through the cloth. Putting light pressure down on my head, my left knee giving a small spasm as I touched the sensitive apendage. I didn't know if I made any noise, I tried not to, I always had a bad feeling about doing this, if I had made any noise, maybe i'd get caught, and that was one thing I didn't want, I just didn't, everyone else might have no problem with letting everyone know when and where they masturbated, but I just...I just couldn't. I tried to striffle every noise I made. I know I let out some groans once in a while if I was close to finishing, but I bit my lip to the best of my ability to keep myself quiet.

I curled my fingers around the base of my cock, feeling the pressure that I thrived for. I arched slightly, my eyes still closed. I pressed lightly on the side of my dick through the fabric, I felt my skin twitch and shiver under my touch. I pulled slightly upwards, testing to see how sensitive I was today. Sometimes I could stand things rougher then usual. Judging by how I gave a sharp intake of breath due to the electric shocks that electrocuted my spine and up my neck, until it reached my cheeks. There it melted, relaxing my muscles and creating a sensation that could not be matched by any other physical feeling. Based on my body's subconscious reaction, by instinct I just had to have more. My chest rose and fell, I could feel my heartbeat rapidly increasing. Beads of sweat formed on my forehead, I could feel it like a second skin, the temperature was increasing underneath the mattress, it was almost sweltering, and it only heightened my arousal. I dragged my hand up, against the friction of the heavy blanket and the syrupy heat, my knuckles rubbing against the gooseflesh of my thigh, creating more heat as I continued to stroke myself.

I brought my left hand down to join my right hand, pressing down just underneath my stomach. It created an agonizing burning sensation in my groin. I could not contain the throaty moan that ripped into the silence of the room, it was shuddery and uneven, I had trouble getting my breathing to even out afterwards. I could feel my lungs gasping for air after I had held my breath for so long trying to contain my noise.

My hand moved faster and faster, my dick hard, stonelike against my right hand cramping as my penis was grasped tighter in my palm, as my left hand was pressing harder and harder against my abdomen, my skin feeling bruised.

I tried thinking sexy thoughts, tried thinking about the boy I had false emotion for, I tried thinking of a porno I had recently watched, tried thinking about anything and everything that might turn me on even more, that might make this feeling even more enjoyable. It felt amazing to begin with, my insides felt like butter being churned, my brain was overloaded with static waves, unable to concentrate on a single thought, my limbs were spasming, the music was still blasting in my ears, the strings played higher notes, even higher as I let out several gasps between my teeth, eyes still clenched as my hand kept rising and falling underneath the blanket, the euphoric sensation urging me on.

Closer-I could feel it, I knew that I was almost done. I was close to my climax-to my finish that would turn my limbs to water, that would comfort me, that would-

My mind went blank as I groaned inwardly, my teeth ground together, my back arching up, my hand spasming as I pumped harder, milking out everything I could get. I could feel wet liquid running down my thigh, and through my fingers, dripping onto my palm, soaking through my cotten boxers.

I continued to tease my dick, slightly, my body jerking at every movement, my penis softening up. I couldn't stand it, it was an odd feeling, one of exhaustion. It didn't feel like I was done, I could've been laying there feeling like I was nearly done for ages, it was a wonderful feeling.

But now I lay here, finished, twitching at every little movement I made. I breathed heavily, I could not make myself move, even knowing what a mess I had to clean up.

Sweat ran down my face, coating my chest, creating a suction between my body on the blanket. My legs were covered in goosebumps, feeling like they were smothering. My feet were freezing-I could not imagine why my skin was scalding hot yet my feet felt like icecubes.

I could not sleep, I never slept after I masturbated, it made me feel alive, more energetic, exhausted, but not sleepy. The gentle purr of the air conditioner made itself known as the song ended, lulling into the beginning of a soft instrumental from a movie I had watched. It made me feel at ease knowing that everything was still in the same spot.

I felt dirty, disgusting, like what I had done was wrong, but internally I was at ease. I felt comfortable, even if I was sweltering, I felt complete, finished.

But I knew I was still alone, by myself, with no one else...

at least, not until Roxas got back.

A/N: I'll do more editing later, right now i'm just happy I got this done. I will complete it later, i'll make it better. The song Axel was listening to first is called "Beethoven Virus" by Banya, the second one is-I have no idea, I just had an idea because I couldn't imagine a relaxing song at the time. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this, I liked writing it, even though about halfway through, I was raking my brain for ideas because I had no idea how to keep it in character. I think it turned out pretty well.