Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, the characters would revolt. Against me.
2020: Stuff me and Neechama came up with one day, while I was high on VitaminWater, and one night, when I was high on wolf-shaped cupcakes and apple cider.
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Widget
It was nine-thirty in the morning. The village of Konohagakure was quiet and peaceful as people went about their daily lives. Civilians shopped and chatted, ninja went out on missions, rookie ninja trained. It was a normal morning in Konoha.
Untill the sky turned purple and the buildings turned into gingerbread.
Chitomo Tsubasa, who had been out with her boyfriend Sasuke, looked up to the now-purple sky with worry.
"Is this a sign of the apocalypse?" Sasuke muttered, sounding oddly hopeful.
"I have no idea. It looks like Hai's kindergarten artwork..." Chi muttered. Suddenly Sasuke froze, his eyes wide.
"I MUST FIND MY BROTHER! HE IS HIDING BEHIND THAT TREE OVER THERE!!" he yelled as he darted into the forest. The trees then changed into a variety of non-treelike hues.
"Okay, THAT was wierd..." Chi said to herself.
"Attention, citizens of Konoha. May I have your attention please." Chi looked around, trying to find the source of the voice. That sounds suspiciously like Hai... "This is Haipa Okami speaking. I have just taken control of your village and am now changing it to suit my whims. Please note the purple sky, colorful trees, and gingerbread houses. You may notice odd behaviorisms in certain people- please disregard them. It's probably just a side effect. Carry on like you normally would. And one last thing- the village will now be know as New Haiopolis Grandmaster City of Wonderfulness. And I shall hereby be know as The Grande Duchess Queen Princess Countess Awesome-Possum Regal Divine Master of Teh Fluffernutters Superbad Wolf-Chan Hai. That is all."
"That is most definitely not good..." Chi said worridly.
"OH!" She turned at the sound of Hinata's voice. The shy, white-eyed girl was dancing down the street with... and Easy Button?! "I love you, Button...!"
"That was easy."
"Tee-hee, I'm not that easy!"
Chi watched as she danced past her. "Um, Hinata, you do know that is an Easy Button and therefore an inanimate object, meaning it is incapable of feelings such as love?"
"NO!" Hinata clutched the Easy Button the her chest. "She didn't mean it, Button... she's just jealous of our love!" With a glare at Chi, Hinata ran away. Calls of 'That was easy' drifted back to where Chi was.
Next thing she knew, she was knocked over by Kiba dashing by. "Sorry, sorry..." he said. "AH!" He bolted up and hid behind Chi. "THEY'RE COMING!"
Akamaru ran up to them. "Bark!"
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kiba screamed and jumped on Chi's back.
"Kiba, it is Akamaru. Get off my back before you lose the ability to have children." Chi said angrily. What the hell did that boy eat?! He was as heavy as a sack of bricks!
"I-it's a d-d-dog!"
"Yes Kiba- it is a dog. And because it is a dog, GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!"
"But I'm scared!"
"KIBA YOU YOURSELF ARE PART ^%%$ING DOG! NOW GET OFF OF ME!" She lifted Kiba off her shoulders and pitched him forward. "GO AWAY!"
She turned to the sky. Were these the strange side effects Hai had mentioned?
"DESTINY!" Chi turned to see Neji hopping down the street in a pink shirt that had a picture of Miley Cyrus on it and long pajama pants that said 'destiny' all over them. "DESTINY DESTINY DESTINY!"
That wasn't a side effect... Neji did that every Tuesday and Thursday.
From nowhere, Kin (the sound ninja kunoichi from the chunin exams?) ran up next to him. "HERBAL ESSENCES!" She yelled at him. Neji stopped hopping and turned to her.
"L'oreal?"
"Vive!"
"Pantene."
Then they started brushing their hair, and talking about hair, and taking pictures of their hair, and using a myriad of hair care products on their, you guessed it, hair.
"Chi!" Tenten ran up to the short girl. "Chi, it's horrible, I can't even believe it..."
"What is it now?" Chi gently shook Tenten with a slightly strong force. "This day is already wierd enough! What now?!"
"It's Lee! He's... he's..."
"WHAT IS IT?!"
"G'morning, dawgs."
Chi did a double take. This was... Lee?! What the hell?! He was dressed like some gangster, with sunglasses, and spiked hair with green streaks. His voice was the same, but his speech patterns were different. "G-sizzle, what is up, homies?"
It was Tenten's turn to shake Chi. "CHI! DO SOMETHING! HE'S BEEN DOING THIS SINCE THE SKY TURNED PURPLE!"
"TENTEN CALM DOWN! I know, everything's gone wierd! Hinata's in love with an Easy Button and Kiba's afraid of dogs, Neji and Kin are talking in HairProduct-eese, and Sasuke-"
"I KNOW! HE'S HIDING UNDER KAKASHI'S MASK!" Sasuke yelled as he ran by.
"-yeah..."
"Chi! We have to do something!"
"I know... I think Hai's behind it all."
"...That explains so much..."
"Didn't you hear her announcement from nowhere?"
"...I was busy hiding from Lee and Gai."
"What's wrong with Gai?"
"He thinks he's an alien..."
"BOO!" Hai appeared from nowhere next to them.
"HAI! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" Chi screamed.
Hai grinned. "I've twisted and distorted the very fabrics of reality to match my own desires, warping the very existance to time and space-"
"For the future of the Earth I will be of service nyan!" A pink catgirl called as she ran by.
"-creating a utopia of utter strangeness where I and people like myself, who have long wished for a purple sky and edible houses, can live in peace!" she finished proudly.
"How?" Tenten asked.
"With... THE MAGICAL ORANGE WHICH IS ACTUALLY BLUE AND TASTES LIKE AN APPLE YET SMELLS LIKE A POMEGRANATE!" She held up what looked like a scepter with a purple crescent moon on the top.
Chi rubbed her temples. "That is neither an orange, apple, or pomegranate, nor is it blue."
The hyper now-queen of the universe looked quizically at her new toy. "But that's what it told me..."
"It talks too?"
"YES! I'm going to name it Nailah, after the wolf queen!"
The scepter jumped out of her hands and hovered in front of her. "Fool! I am Orochi-Staff-Thing, a creation of the most powerful Orochimaru, taking over your precious village on his behalf!"
"No, no, I still prefer Nailah."
"Hai! That's one of Orochimaru's weapons! GET RID OF IT!" Tenten yelled.
"NOEZ!" Hai snatched the staff and pointed it at Tenten. "WIDGET!" she cried. A puff of smoke engulfed Tenten, and when is evaporated...
"WHAT THE HELL?! I'M A #%$^&#^ING DOG!" The brown Pomeranian cursed. The fluffy dog, standing where Tenten had been, was wearing a similar pink shirt. "SHE TURNED ME
INTO A #%^ING DOG!"
With another cry of 'widget', another puff of smoke, and the Orochi-Staff-Thing swearing at Hai and her incompetance, the girl and staff vanished.
"I KNOW! HE'S HIDING UNDER MY BED!" Sasuke yelled as he ran by again.
"WHY THE HELL WOULD HE BE HIDING UNDER YOUR BED?!" Chi yelled at him.
"TO MESS WITH MY HEAD!" Chi banged her head against a nearby wall as Sasuke ran to his house.
"Why is this happening to me...?"
"You think you have problems?! I'm a ^^%ing dog!"
"Oh my fudgesnapper, Tenten, you've said, like, fifteen times already! Stop swearing because swear-text looks wierd!"
"#^%#&^%$%#&$*%$*.... Hey, you're right." The dog turned to look at Chi. "Now what are we going to do?"
Chi's face was grim-set. "We need to find Orochimaru."
"So, what can I help you with?"
That was surprisingly easy... "Couple of questions..." Chi asked the Michael Jackson look-alike. "First off. Why the hell do you have a sign that says, 'Lair Sweet Lair' on the door to you 'secret' lair?"
Orochimaru shrugged. "It was a lairwarming gift from the Third Hokage. Funny, ever since I've gotten it, it's been one ninja raid after another..."
"...Yeah. Real strange. Anyway, what do you know about a staff called the Orochi-Staff-Thing?"
He laughed. "Yes, that was one of my greater inventions. It can warp the very fibres of time and space to create whatever the wielder desires!... I tricked an idiot into taking it to the village, and soon, it will destroy you all!" He then launched into a maniacal laugh. "A strange girl came here asking for candy, and I told her that the staff would give her all the candy she wanted! The fool took it back to the village, and the next thing I knew, the sky was purple!"
"Wait, how will it destroy us all?"
"The staff will trick the weak-minded fool into wishing the village was destroyed! Tell me, has it happened yet?"
"No, but I did get turned into a ^%$^ING DOG!" Tenten the Pomeranian barked angrily.
Orochimaru stared at the dog quizically. "What else has she done?"
Chi thought for a minute. "Um, turned the sky purple, all the buildings are made of gingerbread, a girl loves a talking button, a dog-boy is scared of dogs, my boyfriend is now a raving lunatic, Tenten's boyfriend is a gangster wannabe, her sensei is an alien, random pink catgirls not even from this series are running around... Did I forget anything?" she asked Tenten.
"Um, Neji and Kin talking in HairProduct-eese."
"Yeah... that's about it."
Orochimaru frowned. "That's not supposed to happen! She's supposed to destroy the village! The Orochi-Staff-Thing haas failed me!"
"Oh yeah, and she insists on calling it Nailah, after a wolf queen also not from this series."
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Orochimaru cried. "I've given the staff to a strong-minded idiot! How is such a thing even possible?!?!?!"
Chi shrugged. "'Tis a day for strange occurences."
There was a faint cry of 'widget', and suddenly a grey kangaroo wearing glasses hopped out of a door to the back. "Orochimaru! She's back!" The kangaroo yelled in Kabuto's voice. Another cry of 'widget' and a bang, and smoke poured into the room.
"See ya!" Hai's voice called. "Widget!" The smoke turned purple and vanished to reveal that Orochimaru's lair was now orange. And made of cookie.
"You two! Strong-minded idiot's friend and the dog! Stop her before she does something stupid, like turn me into a dumb animal too!"
"Widget!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Orochimaru the lizard cried. "I don't even like lizards! Why didn't I become a snake?!"
"Let's go, Tenten," Chi said as she ran out the door.
On the way back to the village, they spotted the Sand ninja on their way to the village as well. "STOP!" Chi cried. "DON'T GO TO KONOHA!"
They turned to see her with Tenten the dog on her shoulder.
"Chi! Hanging out with the dog boy again?" Temari asked.
"Shut the !$#%$! up, Temari!"
"What the hell?! The dog just yelled at me in Tenten's voice!"
"OK, listen, do NOT go to the village... Hai's got this magic staff, see..." Chi explained the village's status to the Sandsibs.
"So it's dangerous for Gaara to go, since Hai controls the very functions of reality," Kankuro clarified.
"Yeah. No telling what kind of field day Hai would have controlling him..."
"That explains the purple sky..." Gaara muttered.
Suddenly Hai's voice sounded from nowhere. "Attentions citizens of Konoha. This is your overlord speaking. I regret to inform you that the source of my newfound powers only has one use left. I will be using it in a dramatic fashion to make my wildest dream come true on top of the Hokage Great Stone Faces, which are a total rip-off of Mount Rushmore. That is all."
Chi looked worried. "Oh, no..."
"What?" Tenten asked.
"Her greatest dream is to take over Europe, Australia, and the Americas!"
"Oh, that's ba- wait, why are we worried? We're fictional."
"I don't know, the story needs drama and an intense race against the clock or something. Let's go!"
"PUT THAT STAFF DOWN, HAI!" Wait, how did we get here so fast?
Hai turned around. "Neechama! I will not! This is for me! WIDGET!" There was a large puff of purple smoke. When it cleared, the sky was blue and Tenten was human again, and everything seemed to be back to normal.
"Hai! What did you do?!" Chi shook her violently by the shoulders.
"Neechama!" She had a big smile on her face. "Finally! It's a reality! My wildest dream is true! Now I can forever live in peace!
"HAI! WHAT DID YOU DO?!"
She smiled still.
"I made it so that apostrophes will never be used wrong again!"
END
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2020: There is a lesson here, people. Say no to controlled substances.
AHH! IT ONLY TOOK ME A DAY TO WRITE THIS!!!