AWAKENING2: DANIEL
July 24
He was staring at me again, during the debriefing; I could feel his eyes on me from the moment I walked into the room.
Daniel paused, staring dreamily into space at the memory of those laughing brown eyes looking at him so intently across the cold, marble-topped table. As he began to write again, a hundred questions filled his mind, all of them unanswerable.
Why does this have to happen now? Why does it have to be Jack? Why not someone else? Anyone else would be better than Jack. No I don't mean that, it's just that anyone else I could deal with. Not Jack though, he's...Jack! Oh God, why does this have to happen now, with Jack? He's my best friend for God's sake, my straight best friend! Why'd I have to go and fall in love with him? Why?
Daniel stopped writing for a second time, and re-read all of what he had just written, underlining the word straight as he realised for the first time exactly how he felt about Jack. Jack. His heart seemed to quicken as he thought his name, and he was filled with the same giddy rush of delight he had had over girls in high school. Looking back on his past, another memory floated to the forefront of his mind and Daniel began to write once more, in order to satisfy his need to share his thoughts.
This isn't the first time I've felt like this about another man, either. I was younger then, I'd just started college, and it was my first time away from home. He was a sophomore, Rob was his name, and he'd come out at the freshman party the spring before, turning up with his boyfriend on his arm. Dark hair, nice blue eyes, the kind you could stare into for hours and a body to die for, and I can still remember exactly how he looked now.
If he hadn't asked me out, I probably would have spent the next four years of my life following him around like a puppy dog and regretting my inability to ask him out myself. I was so nervous before our first date that I must have changed my clothes at least five times, searching for that perfect outfit. I was just so desperate for everything to be perfect for once. It didn't last though, he was using me to make his ex-boyfriend jealous, and I don't think he ever really wanted to go out with me. I was just there, available at the time. This is different though, this is...I'm not sure what this is. Love?
Daniel let the pen drop from his hand and pushed his journal away from him as he placed his elbows on the table, resting his head on his hands. Letting his thoughts drifted back to the first time he had thought of Jack as anything other than a friend. A dreamy expression took control of his features as the memory surrounded him, and it felt almost as though he had travelled back to the past, to that time a place.
It had, technically, begun during a formal Christmas party, thrown by Major Davis on behalf of the pentagon and Joint Chiefs of Staff. Sam, Hammond, and Jack had all been dressed in their dress blues and Jack looked every inch the handsome air force pilot returning home in glory, as a hero. He had fitted the part perfectly, but it was obvious to Daniel that Jack felt uncomfortable wearing his dress uniform, spending the entire night walking around like someone who had got all dressed up with nowhere to go. Even so, he looked unspeakably handsome in his dress uniform, the colour accenting the sensual brown pools of his eyes and fitting perfectly over every contour of his lean, muscular form. This memory passed quickly through Daniel's mind as he drifted back to the first time Jack's presence had made his heart skip a best and rendered him almost unable to speak. The first time he had forgotten about Sha're and begun to move on.
It had been a simple meet and greet; no threats, no new technologies, no alliance, nothing and from Jack's point of view, nothing but a boring waste of time. In fact there was very little of anything on the planet at all, except for a few quiet little villages and a set of beautifully preserved ruins. Ruins that had led Daniel to insist that they go, a demand that he would later come to regret and spend the next few months apologising for. Things always seemed to go that way for him, whatever began as simple, never ended that way and the road that led from start to finish was usually littered with more than one nasty surprise.
Daniel had stepped down from the Stargate into the brilliant sunshine, adrenaline coursing through his system at the thought of being able to examine a new archaeological discovery without the constant threat of being turned into a Goa'uld or ending up dead hanging over him. He had probably looked like a puppy out for its first walk, the way he had bounded down the path toward the ruins, not even pausing long enough to let Jack, Sam and Teal'c catch their breath. The others had to run to catch up with him, a fact that had surprised both them and him. Daniel had grown used to always being the slowest out of the four of them, constantly working to catch up with the others and never quite managing it, but when they reached his side all breathing hard, he had been unable to hide his shock and pride.
The ruins themselves were a circle of four huge towers of stone, stretching toward the sky and covered in swirling text written in an ancient, long forgotten language. In the centre of the circle stood what looked like a baptismal font, filled with a liquid that shimmered like molten silver. The light reflecting off the silvery liquid had attracted all of them like shiny objects attract a magpie, bringing them to gather around the font, watching, entranced like children at Christmas as the light danced over the surface. Without quite knowing why, they all reached forward, upping their hands to drink from the font, only partly aware of what they were doing. As Daniel felt the cool, refreshing sensation of liquid passing over his dry lips, his thoughts froze and the world before his eyes began to sway, blurring into a meaning less mass of shapes and colours as he plunged headlong into unconsciousness.
The insistent sound of someone calling his name forced Daniel to open his eyes and as he did so, the sight of a shirtless Jack filled the whole of his vision. His mouth watered as he felt his eyes travelling up over Jack's body, memorising every detail of the exposed flesh and imagining endless possibilities for the parts that he couldn't see. It was then that he realised that Jack wasn't the only one, Teal'c and himself had also had their shirts removed. Unfortunately for her, Sam had not only lost her shirt but her bra too. A fact that probably explained why she had retreated into a corner curled up in embarrassment and looking incredibly annoyed by their current situation. His sympathy for her vanished the moment Jack knelt down in front of him, replaced by something much more primal as he leaned forward to inquire,
" Daniel, you care to explain to me why exactly we came here again?" Jack paused, evidently taking his time to warm up to his attack on Daniel for not only getting him captured, but getting half his clothes removed as well. For once, Daniel didn't bother to respond, amusing himself by staring intently into Jack's brown eyes instead of fighting back and imaging all the things the two of them could do involving sex and chocolate. As Jack stared back, the expression on his face changed and the next words out of his mouth as he leaned forward to playfully ruffle Daniel's hair were filled with concern. " You ok, Daniel? Your ok, right?" All Daniel could do was nod and hope for the best as his brain failed to engage and Jack's nearness made him thankful that the dungeon was poorly lit. As jack moved to sit next to him, Daniel sprang to his feet and wandered quickly over to the other side of their prison cell on the pretence of "just stretching my legs".
Once safely away from Jack and those endless brown eyes of his, Daniel could think again and regained the power of speech almost immediately, not that he needed it now. Leaning back against the cold stone, he could see Jack sitting there in all his bad boy sexiness. As he continued to stare at him, Daniel suddenly became conscious of the fact that his pants were too tight as his brain redirected his blood flow to a more vital area. Oh God, Jack! He thought, as he unconsciously began undoing his flies, before he stopped and realised exactly where he was again. Fortunately, everyone else was too preoccupied to notice his strange behaviour and Daniel experienced a silent sigh of relief as he refastened his pants and sank down to the ground. Intending to spend the next few hours of his life fantasising about covering every inch of Jack in chocolate and having incredibly noisy, steamy sex.
Unfortunately, his fantasy about slowly liking chocolate off Jack' bare chest, working his way downward to what would be the Promised Land was brought to an abrupt halt as the door to the cell swung open. The light that filled the doorway, revealed a tall, broad shouldered figure dressed in some kind of uniform, standing there. His eyes were two emotionless dark pinholes and he reminded Daniel of a portrait of Salvador Dali he had once seen, with his dark hair and handlebar moustache. The figure spat words at them like bullets in a foreign language, his tone, however, was clear to all of them; disgust and a vengeful joy mixed together, a combination that never brought good tidings.
The makeshift courtroom was glaringly bright, as the light bounced off the white walls and stainless steel fittings, temporarily blinding them. Three stern-faced men towered above them, the looks on their faces telling them that the only justice they intended to meet out was the type where they were the victors.
"The offence you have committed is one of great consequence and the disrespect you have shown punishable by death." As the words descended into the silence, the battle lines were drawn and Jack instantly slipped into military mode, throwing sarcastic remarks like grenades. Once again, Daniel lost himself in another Jack fantasy, this time involving handcuffs as Jack took charge of the situation and any thought of diplomacy flew out the window.
Daniel became so engrossed in his fantasy, imaging himself waking up next to Jack, staring into those gorgeous brown eyes and nibbling his lower lip, that the fact that Jack had stopped talking barely even registered. It wasn't until the dull sound of a fist slamming down on a wooden table reached his ears that Daniel became aware of the people around him and the tell-take blush of embarrassment spread over his cheeks. Embarrassment at being caught doing something he shouldn't like a naughty child. Above his head, a voice of unquestioned authority and stony certainty intoned,
"Death is too good a punishment for blasphemers like you, perhaps banishment would fit the crime better." Without even pausing to deliberate this point, the voice continued in the same tone as before. " You will be banished from this land and should you ever return, your deaths will be slow and painful ones." This final statement only served to provoke another sarcastic comment out of Jack, but Daniel was too preoccupied with fighting to regain his composure to notice. Anxiety filed him, fuelled mainly by the strange look Sam had given him, frowning in confusion and raising her eyebrows inquiringly at Daniel's sudden embarrassment.
Oh God, Sam! Daniel thought suddenly, as the assorted books, artefacts and paperwork of his office came rushing back to him in a flood of blurred colours. Reaching for his journal, Daniel began frantically scribbling down his thoughts as a new possibility dawned upon him. A possibility fuelled by fear, as the memory of the look Sam had given him stayed fresh in his mind.
What if she knows? What if she had known what I was thinking? What if she put 2 and 2 together and come up with Daniel's madly in love with Jack? Houston, we have a problem!
Daniel stopped writing, as the full extent of this problem; complete with all its consequences hit him in one cold wave of recognition. Daniel was fully aware of Sam's personal feelings for Jack, which she had confided to him one night when they had both been wandering around the almost deserted base, unable to sleep. Shit! This is a very big problem, Daniel thought, as he desperately wished that real life was like the rose-tinted Hollywood version portrayed in the movies. If it was, then Jack would fall madly in love with him and some other handsome stranger would come and sweep Sam off her feet. Then they'd all ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after, and there wouldn't be a problem. Real life, however, was never as straight forward as that and no one ever lived happily ever after, or at least not for long anyway.
Wait, a voice inside his head said calmly, you're being paranoid. You don't even know if she knows yet, and you're already having a panic attack. She might not even have noticed anything. The voice reassured him, speaking in a quiet, calm tone as it reasoned with him and hastily dismissed his fears. Besides, he thought, his chances with Jack were even lower than zero. Jack was the straightest guy he'd ever met and there was no doubt in Daniel's mind about where his sexuality lay.
This last thought chased away the last of his fears and brought with it an aching sadness. Daniel silently acknowledging the fact that the showers in the locker room were the closest he was ever going to get Jack's naked body. The act of acknowledging this thought, however, cast Daniel firmly back into the centre of fantasyland as he began daydreaming about Jack giving him a blow job. He was probably good at that, Daniel thought, a mischievous smile spreading over his face. Jack had always struck him as someone with an infinite amount of experience where sex was concerned. He sighed as an all too familiar sense of sweet release filled him as he came. A feeling that was followed by the desperate hope that no one walked into his office and found him in his present state, wearing a pair of stained pants that left nothing to the imagination.
As Daniel changed into a clean pair of pants, he slowly recited the whole of the Ancient Mariner backward in Latin to keep his mind off Jack and preserve the only clean pair of pants he had left. He had just zipped up his flies and begun the fourth verse, when Sam's anxious form appeared in the doorway, asking,
" Have you seen Jack?" Jack. Daniel silently shook his head; unable to give a more developed response as he used all the energy he didn't need to keep breathing to fight the urge to answer the call of his fantasies. Sam's question drifted through his mind again, and he felt compelled to speak, despite the possible dry cleaning related consequences this might have.
" What's happened, Sam?" Daniel clenched his fist in an attempt to stay calm, while images of car crash victims and WW2 POWs danced through his head, all wearing Jack's handsome face.
" Nothing, yet. It's just that he wasn't acting like himself earlier and now, he's gone." Daniel relaxed, Jack was ok, he wasn't dead, or dying, he was fine, just not here.
As Sam disappeared down the corridor, Daniel let out a sigh of relief and collapsed into a chair, exhausted by worry. She was right though, Jack hadn't been acting like himself; he was nervous as though he couldn't trust himself to relax anymore. This thought flitted quickly through his mind, disappearing before he had a chance to analyse Jack's behaviour and Daniel reached for his pen, re-opening his journal to start writing again.
Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to fall in love with the only person I can never have? Why can't I just have a normal life? Be a normal guy? I never asked for this to happen, never asked to lose my wife and fall in love with my best friend. No, I got all this for free, part of the same exclusive package that made me an orphan and put me in the Stargate programme in the first place. What I wouldn't give to have a normal life again! No Stargate, no Goa'uld, no Jaffa warriors and no bone-meltingly sexy air force colonels to fall in love with; just a normal guy earning his living, nothing else.
Daniel stopped as a wave of tiredness washed over him and he glanced at the clock; its digital display confessing to him that it was 1am. A normal guy. From now until he woke up in the morning he was going to be a normal guy and this was going to be his messy home office, Daniel decided in a futile attempt to make his fantasy come true. He yawned, folded his arms on top of the desk and resting his head on them, drifted off to sleep, just a normal guy. No one.
July 24
He was staring at me again, during the debriefing; I could feel his eyes on me from the moment I walked into the room.
Daniel paused, staring dreamily into space at the memory of those laughing brown eyes looking at him so intently across the cold, marble-topped table. As he began to write again, a hundred questions filled his mind, all of them unanswerable.
Why does this have to happen now? Why does it have to be Jack? Why not someone else? Anyone else would be better than Jack. No I don't mean that, it's just that anyone else I could deal with. Not Jack though, he's...Jack! Oh God, why does this have to happen now, with Jack? He's my best friend for God's sake, my straight best friend! Why'd I have to go and fall in love with him? Why?
Daniel stopped writing for a second time, and re-read all of what he had just written, underlining the word straight as he realised for the first time exactly how he felt about Jack. Jack. His heart seemed to quicken as he thought his name, and he was filled with the same giddy rush of delight he had had over girls in high school. Looking back on his past, another memory floated to the forefront of his mind and Daniel began to write once more, in order to satisfy his need to share his thoughts.
This isn't the first time I've felt like this about another man, either. I was younger then, I'd just started college, and it was my first time away from home. He was a sophomore, Rob was his name, and he'd come out at the freshman party the spring before, turning up with his boyfriend on his arm. Dark hair, nice blue eyes, the kind you could stare into for hours and a body to die for, and I can still remember exactly how he looked now.
If he hadn't asked me out, I probably would have spent the next four years of my life following him around like a puppy dog and regretting my inability to ask him out myself. I was so nervous before our first date that I must have changed my clothes at least five times, searching for that perfect outfit. I was just so desperate for everything to be perfect for once. It didn't last though, he was using me to make his ex-boyfriend jealous, and I don't think he ever really wanted to go out with me. I was just there, available at the time. This is different though, this is...I'm not sure what this is. Love?
Daniel let the pen drop from his hand and pushed his journal away from him as he placed his elbows on the table, resting his head on his hands. Letting his thoughts drifted back to the first time he had thought of Jack as anything other than a friend. A dreamy expression took control of his features as the memory surrounded him, and it felt almost as though he had travelled back to the past, to that time a place.
It had, technically, begun during a formal Christmas party, thrown by Major Davis on behalf of the pentagon and Joint Chiefs of Staff. Sam, Hammond, and Jack had all been dressed in their dress blues and Jack looked every inch the handsome air force pilot returning home in glory, as a hero. He had fitted the part perfectly, but it was obvious to Daniel that Jack felt uncomfortable wearing his dress uniform, spending the entire night walking around like someone who had got all dressed up with nowhere to go. Even so, he looked unspeakably handsome in his dress uniform, the colour accenting the sensual brown pools of his eyes and fitting perfectly over every contour of his lean, muscular form. This memory passed quickly through Daniel's mind as he drifted back to the first time Jack's presence had made his heart skip a best and rendered him almost unable to speak. The first time he had forgotten about Sha're and begun to move on.
It had been a simple meet and greet; no threats, no new technologies, no alliance, nothing and from Jack's point of view, nothing but a boring waste of time. In fact there was very little of anything on the planet at all, except for a few quiet little villages and a set of beautifully preserved ruins. Ruins that had led Daniel to insist that they go, a demand that he would later come to regret and spend the next few months apologising for. Things always seemed to go that way for him, whatever began as simple, never ended that way and the road that led from start to finish was usually littered with more than one nasty surprise.
Daniel had stepped down from the Stargate into the brilliant sunshine, adrenaline coursing through his system at the thought of being able to examine a new archaeological discovery without the constant threat of being turned into a Goa'uld or ending up dead hanging over him. He had probably looked like a puppy out for its first walk, the way he had bounded down the path toward the ruins, not even pausing long enough to let Jack, Sam and Teal'c catch their breath. The others had to run to catch up with him, a fact that had surprised both them and him. Daniel had grown used to always being the slowest out of the four of them, constantly working to catch up with the others and never quite managing it, but when they reached his side all breathing hard, he had been unable to hide his shock and pride.
The ruins themselves were a circle of four huge towers of stone, stretching toward the sky and covered in swirling text written in an ancient, long forgotten language. In the centre of the circle stood what looked like a baptismal font, filled with a liquid that shimmered like molten silver. The light reflecting off the silvery liquid had attracted all of them like shiny objects attract a magpie, bringing them to gather around the font, watching, entranced like children at Christmas as the light danced over the surface. Without quite knowing why, they all reached forward, upping their hands to drink from the font, only partly aware of what they were doing. As Daniel felt the cool, refreshing sensation of liquid passing over his dry lips, his thoughts froze and the world before his eyes began to sway, blurring into a meaning less mass of shapes and colours as he plunged headlong into unconsciousness.
The insistent sound of someone calling his name forced Daniel to open his eyes and as he did so, the sight of a shirtless Jack filled the whole of his vision. His mouth watered as he felt his eyes travelling up over Jack's body, memorising every detail of the exposed flesh and imagining endless possibilities for the parts that he couldn't see. It was then that he realised that Jack wasn't the only one, Teal'c and himself had also had their shirts removed. Unfortunately for her, Sam had not only lost her shirt but her bra too. A fact that probably explained why she had retreated into a corner curled up in embarrassment and looking incredibly annoyed by their current situation. His sympathy for her vanished the moment Jack knelt down in front of him, replaced by something much more primal as he leaned forward to inquire,
" Daniel, you care to explain to me why exactly we came here again?" Jack paused, evidently taking his time to warm up to his attack on Daniel for not only getting him captured, but getting half his clothes removed as well. For once, Daniel didn't bother to respond, amusing himself by staring intently into Jack's brown eyes instead of fighting back and imaging all the things the two of them could do involving sex and chocolate. As Jack stared back, the expression on his face changed and the next words out of his mouth as he leaned forward to playfully ruffle Daniel's hair were filled with concern. " You ok, Daniel? Your ok, right?" All Daniel could do was nod and hope for the best as his brain failed to engage and Jack's nearness made him thankful that the dungeon was poorly lit. As jack moved to sit next to him, Daniel sprang to his feet and wandered quickly over to the other side of their prison cell on the pretence of "just stretching my legs".
Once safely away from Jack and those endless brown eyes of his, Daniel could think again and regained the power of speech almost immediately, not that he needed it now. Leaning back against the cold stone, he could see Jack sitting there in all his bad boy sexiness. As he continued to stare at him, Daniel suddenly became conscious of the fact that his pants were too tight as his brain redirected his blood flow to a more vital area. Oh God, Jack! He thought, as he unconsciously began undoing his flies, before he stopped and realised exactly where he was again. Fortunately, everyone else was too preoccupied to notice his strange behaviour and Daniel experienced a silent sigh of relief as he refastened his pants and sank down to the ground. Intending to spend the next few hours of his life fantasising about covering every inch of Jack in chocolate and having incredibly noisy, steamy sex.
Unfortunately, his fantasy about slowly liking chocolate off Jack' bare chest, working his way downward to what would be the Promised Land was brought to an abrupt halt as the door to the cell swung open. The light that filled the doorway, revealed a tall, broad shouldered figure dressed in some kind of uniform, standing there. His eyes were two emotionless dark pinholes and he reminded Daniel of a portrait of Salvador Dali he had once seen, with his dark hair and handlebar moustache. The figure spat words at them like bullets in a foreign language, his tone, however, was clear to all of them; disgust and a vengeful joy mixed together, a combination that never brought good tidings.
The makeshift courtroom was glaringly bright, as the light bounced off the white walls and stainless steel fittings, temporarily blinding them. Three stern-faced men towered above them, the looks on their faces telling them that the only justice they intended to meet out was the type where they were the victors.
"The offence you have committed is one of great consequence and the disrespect you have shown punishable by death." As the words descended into the silence, the battle lines were drawn and Jack instantly slipped into military mode, throwing sarcastic remarks like grenades. Once again, Daniel lost himself in another Jack fantasy, this time involving handcuffs as Jack took charge of the situation and any thought of diplomacy flew out the window.
Daniel became so engrossed in his fantasy, imaging himself waking up next to Jack, staring into those gorgeous brown eyes and nibbling his lower lip, that the fact that Jack had stopped talking barely even registered. It wasn't until the dull sound of a fist slamming down on a wooden table reached his ears that Daniel became aware of the people around him and the tell-take blush of embarrassment spread over his cheeks. Embarrassment at being caught doing something he shouldn't like a naughty child. Above his head, a voice of unquestioned authority and stony certainty intoned,
"Death is too good a punishment for blasphemers like you, perhaps banishment would fit the crime better." Without even pausing to deliberate this point, the voice continued in the same tone as before. " You will be banished from this land and should you ever return, your deaths will be slow and painful ones." This final statement only served to provoke another sarcastic comment out of Jack, but Daniel was too preoccupied with fighting to regain his composure to notice. Anxiety filed him, fuelled mainly by the strange look Sam had given him, frowning in confusion and raising her eyebrows inquiringly at Daniel's sudden embarrassment.
Oh God, Sam! Daniel thought suddenly, as the assorted books, artefacts and paperwork of his office came rushing back to him in a flood of blurred colours. Reaching for his journal, Daniel began frantically scribbling down his thoughts as a new possibility dawned upon him. A possibility fuelled by fear, as the memory of the look Sam had given him stayed fresh in his mind.
What if she knows? What if she had known what I was thinking? What if she put 2 and 2 together and come up with Daniel's madly in love with Jack? Houston, we have a problem!
Daniel stopped writing, as the full extent of this problem; complete with all its consequences hit him in one cold wave of recognition. Daniel was fully aware of Sam's personal feelings for Jack, which she had confided to him one night when they had both been wandering around the almost deserted base, unable to sleep. Shit! This is a very big problem, Daniel thought, as he desperately wished that real life was like the rose-tinted Hollywood version portrayed in the movies. If it was, then Jack would fall madly in love with him and some other handsome stranger would come and sweep Sam off her feet. Then they'd all ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after, and there wouldn't be a problem. Real life, however, was never as straight forward as that and no one ever lived happily ever after, or at least not for long anyway.
Wait, a voice inside his head said calmly, you're being paranoid. You don't even know if she knows yet, and you're already having a panic attack. She might not even have noticed anything. The voice reassured him, speaking in a quiet, calm tone as it reasoned with him and hastily dismissed his fears. Besides, he thought, his chances with Jack were even lower than zero. Jack was the straightest guy he'd ever met and there was no doubt in Daniel's mind about where his sexuality lay.
This last thought chased away the last of his fears and brought with it an aching sadness. Daniel silently acknowledging the fact that the showers in the locker room were the closest he was ever going to get Jack's naked body. The act of acknowledging this thought, however, cast Daniel firmly back into the centre of fantasyland as he began daydreaming about Jack giving him a blow job. He was probably good at that, Daniel thought, a mischievous smile spreading over his face. Jack had always struck him as someone with an infinite amount of experience where sex was concerned. He sighed as an all too familiar sense of sweet release filled him as he came. A feeling that was followed by the desperate hope that no one walked into his office and found him in his present state, wearing a pair of stained pants that left nothing to the imagination.
As Daniel changed into a clean pair of pants, he slowly recited the whole of the Ancient Mariner backward in Latin to keep his mind off Jack and preserve the only clean pair of pants he had left. He had just zipped up his flies and begun the fourth verse, when Sam's anxious form appeared in the doorway, asking,
" Have you seen Jack?" Jack. Daniel silently shook his head; unable to give a more developed response as he used all the energy he didn't need to keep breathing to fight the urge to answer the call of his fantasies. Sam's question drifted through his mind again, and he felt compelled to speak, despite the possible dry cleaning related consequences this might have.
" What's happened, Sam?" Daniel clenched his fist in an attempt to stay calm, while images of car crash victims and WW2 POWs danced through his head, all wearing Jack's handsome face.
" Nothing, yet. It's just that he wasn't acting like himself earlier and now, he's gone." Daniel relaxed, Jack was ok, he wasn't dead, or dying, he was fine, just not here.
As Sam disappeared down the corridor, Daniel let out a sigh of relief and collapsed into a chair, exhausted by worry. She was right though, Jack hadn't been acting like himself; he was nervous as though he couldn't trust himself to relax anymore. This thought flitted quickly through his mind, disappearing before he had a chance to analyse Jack's behaviour and Daniel reached for his pen, re-opening his journal to start writing again.
Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to fall in love with the only person I can never have? Why can't I just have a normal life? Be a normal guy? I never asked for this to happen, never asked to lose my wife and fall in love with my best friend. No, I got all this for free, part of the same exclusive package that made me an orphan and put me in the Stargate programme in the first place. What I wouldn't give to have a normal life again! No Stargate, no Goa'uld, no Jaffa warriors and no bone-meltingly sexy air force colonels to fall in love with; just a normal guy earning his living, nothing else.
Daniel stopped as a wave of tiredness washed over him and he glanced at the clock; its digital display confessing to him that it was 1am. A normal guy. From now until he woke up in the morning he was going to be a normal guy and this was going to be his messy home office, Daniel decided in a futile attempt to make his fantasy come true. He yawned, folded his arms on top of the desk and resting his head on them, drifted off to sleep, just a normal guy. No one.