((NOTE: Ian is the name for the OC of Ontario...
Belle is the name for Belgium...
Bela is Belarus...
Ni hao is Hello in Chinese.
Ma xiu is Matthew in Chinese.
Mon Dieu is My God in French...
This is a crossover-parody sort of thing, of the movie UHF... It's crack-filled-crack-stuffed goodness... If you don't like it, well... You have to sign a contract for that... Anyway, without any longer wait, the first chapter of the crack~!
BTW, I don't own Axis Powers Hetalia, or the movie UFH... ^^))
In the great wilderness; there were three men… One looked very Hispanic. The others, not so much. They walked through swamps, deserts, bushes, muddy bamboo trenches, bamboo forests, and waterfalls.
The Hispanic looking man had a gun and he raised it to the one with the awesome hat. And, without a moment of hesitation, the awesome hat-ed one took out a whip and sliced the other's gunned arm off. Backing away in defeat, the Hispanic looking man ran from the two other men.
As the two remaining men walked, they came across a hole in the wall, so they proceeded to walk in. A wall of spider webs blocked their path, so the one with the awesome hat tore through the strings and made them another path.
The other man, who was actually Hispanic but looked nothing like it, grabbed onto the other man's shoulder, "Senor, we must not go any further! Look!" he said as he pointed to a carving on the wall. It was a great carving of an ancient man in an Aztec headdress. He was positioned with his index and middle fingers in the corners of his mouth, pulling them upward to show all of his teeth. He was also sticking out his tongue.
"This is an ancient Aztec symbol! It's certain death for anyone who enters! We must turn back! NOW!" The real Hispanic man said as he was practically clinging to the other's shoulder. The blonde in glasses and an awesome hat looked, slowly, to the other. The Hispanic looked to the symbol, then to him, to the symbol, then back, and finally turned and booked it out of the hole in the wall. And as he backed out of the hole he gave one final glace to the blonde as he looked to the side and screamed at the top of his lungs. A train ran him over, let him rest in peace.
The blonde one, the only one, walked through hanging vines, as he came upon lines and rows of signs and tape telling him "DO NOT ENTER", "KEEP OUT", "WRONG WAY", "POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS", and just "STOP". And, being the brave man he is, he ducked under the tape and continued on.
He came upon an entrance, made of stone; there was a giant gold sculpture that blocked a small area. With his back facing that sculpture; he saw a small gold statue on a stone pedestal. He nodded to himself as he walked up the steps to it. He kneeled down and examined the gold statue, rubbing his cheeks and chin as he did so.
Taking out a semi-large bag if sand from inside his jacket, he judged the weight of it to the statue. Tilting his head, he took out a handful of sand and let it run through his fingers onto the ground. Getting ready to switch out the bag of sand for the statue, he kneeled down, again, and bounced on his heels slightly. He looked to the bag again, threw it over his shoulder, and snatched the statue off its pedestal.
And, as he turned and started to walk away, the base of the pedestal collapsed inwards. He froze, looked to it, and then up as dirt and sand started to pour in from the ceiling. Making the option that 'running away is better than dying', he jumped off the stairs and ran for that hole in the wall, all while passing a sign that stated "WATCH FOR FALLING ROCKS".
As he passed the golden sculpture and looked back, a large rock hit his head; but, since he's so amazing, he continued on. He had to hurry, a slate of rock was about to block off his exit. Making his dash, he made it to the slate, placed the statue in between it and the floor, and crawled under it. Making sure to grab his hat, and the statue, he stood and brushed himself off.
He heard a sound behind him and turning his head he saw a gigantic stone ball rolling towards him. He ran as fast as he could away from the stone. He jumped through the spider webs and the hole in the wall, but the stone crashed through the wall and continued to follow him.
He ran through Egypt, France, Alaska, and then into the streets of Los Angeles. Impossible, I know, but it happened! Continuing on, he finally lost his breath and he fell to his knees. He rolled over to lie on his back, completely forgetting he had the stone still rolling after him, and let the stone ball roll over him and flatten him a small sizzling…. Hamburger?
"Matthew… Hello? .. Earth to Matthew…. Matt!" Matthew jumped as his named was screamed into his ear. He looked to Ian, with a horrified expression. "Were you day dreaming, again?" Ian asked as he went back to his station. "ah-no. No, I was just… Admiring how clean and shiny this grill is," Matthew said as he placed the hamburger on a plate and handed it to Ian.
"Come on, Matt, we're busy!" Ian said as he shook his head and fixed the burger how the costumer wanted it, stupid Americans. "You know something? No one around here appreciates a Canadian with imagination!" Matthew said as he placed more meat on the grill. Ian scoffed, "Well, the people at the lumber mill, or the miniature golf course, or Ford's Fish Parlor, or any of the places that we've worked in the past month, right?"
"Some day… Some day they'll all be sorry. They'll be eating breakfast, or something," Matthew walked over and grabbed some condiments to put on the burger, "And they'll say, 'HEY," he squirted three guests and the window behind they with mustard as he made an arm movement to show his point, "we screwed up! We should have never fired Matthew Williams, because he's got imagination!"Matt said as he walked over to the fryer. He picked up the basket, "Well…. The fries are just about done," he said as he inspected the black brick and dropped it back into the oil.
"Ah, geeze…. You shouldn't let Bela see this." Ian said as he looked to Matt with a huff. " Bela, Bela! Why are you so afraid of that pathetic Belarusian immigrant?" Ian shook his head as said Bela walked up behind Matt. Matthew slowly turned to her and smiled, "Hehe, h-hello…" Bela dragged the two out and threw them to the curb. They landed a few feet away, with a thud and 'Uf', as Bela stood, wiping her hands on her apron.
Matt drove Ian to their apartment, which they shared, in his small car. "How could you do this to me?... I knew this was going to happen!" Ian said as he got out and slammed his car door. Matt got out and closed his door lightly, "You know, I'm sorry, Ian... What can I say? I'm just a miserable hunk of slime… Here," Matt said as he picked up a crowbar and put it in Ian's hands. He took off his hat and lowered his head, "I want you to take this crowbar and… And just bash my head in. Bash it right in!"
Ian sighed, "Matt… You know that I couldn't do that. You're my brother… And you still owe me five dollars," he said as he gave the crowbar back to Matt. As Ian walked in, and Matt was about to, there was a scream and a man fell from the second story window. Matthew blinked once then looked to the window, "Oh… Hello Yao," he said with a smile.
"Ni hao, Ma xiu!" Yao with a large smile and wave. "Beginner's class, eh?" Matthew asked with a slight tilt of his head. Yao nodded, "They are so STUPID, aru!" Yao said as another person crashed out of another window. "STUPID, aru!"
Matthew stood at the stove as he flipped a pancake until it was perfectly cooked. After flipping it one more time, he placed it on a plate. He took out two rolls of Smarties, unwrapped them, and placed them in a line down the middle of the pancake. He quickly took out the maple syrup and poured a good amount over the Smarties. He rolled the pancake up and took it over to Ian.
"Look, Ian! A Smartie pancake roll, your favorite!" Matthew said, with a large smile, as he offered the plate to Ian. Ian simply continued to fiddle with a coin he held and stare at it. Matthew sighed and sat down next to him, while placing the plate on the table.
"Come on, Ian!" Matthew took his index fingers and pushed the sides of Ian's lips upward, "Be a bit happier, please?" he asked with a small frown. Ian glared back at Matt, "You ruined my life," he said bitterly and muffled. Ian stood and walked over to their living room.
"You know, Ian… I think you're developing a /bad/ attitude here." Matthew said as he got up and walked over to the island separating the two. Ian sat himself on the couch and opened up the paper. "You see, Ian," Matthew poured more maple syrup onto the pancake, "you have to grab life by the lips and yank as hard as you can." Matthew said as he took a bite of the pancake roll while from the other side of the wall went "STUPID, aru!" and a large crash as a few things fell off the walls.
"So, what's in the want ads?"Matthew asked as he walked over to Ian. "Yeah… But nothing like the prestige of working at Burger World." Ian looked over to Matt, "So what do you think Belle's going to say when she hears you got fired, again?" Ian asked as he folded the paper up. "Belle…. Oh no! What time is it?" Matthew asked as a hand, and arm, punched through the wall. Matthew looked at the watch on its wrist. "Seven thirty? Mon Dieu. I have to go, see you later Ian!" Matthew said as she ran out, and Yao screamed though the wall "STUPID".
Belle sighed and walked over to her counter, "So what's your excuse this time?" she asked. "Well… Ian and I were having a serious discussion about our various carrier options-Boy I really like what you've done with your hair today!" Matthew said with a nervous smile. "Matthew…. Did you get fired, again?" Belle asked as she rested her elbow on the counter. Matthew sighed, "Yes! Yes, it's all true! I just don't know what's wrong with me!" he said as he started to bang his head on the counter.
Matthew looked back up to Belle, "So, what's for dinner?" he asked as he walked over to her stone and uncovered the pot. "Mm, mash potatoes, my favorite! Belle, you shouldn't have," he said as he took the pot off the burner, stuck a fork in it, and walked out of her kitchen.
"Matthew." Belle sighed as she took out a plate of chicken from the oven, "When are you going to be taking things more seriously?" she asked as Matt was beginning to mound the mash potatoes on his plate. "I mean…. You've been wandering aimlessly from job to job ever since I met you…. If you could just get that over-active imagination to work for you, instead of ageist you, you could-" Belle stopped herself as she watched Matthew sculpt a potato plateau on his plate. "What are you doing?" she asked. "This means something!" he looked to Belle, "This in important." Matthew said with a nod. Belle sighed, "Are you high?" she asked as she crossed her arms over her chest. Matthew thought for a moment, "… Most likely, yes… Those Smarties I ate were from a cousin in British Colombia."