Song: Love Me For Me Artist: Cher Lloyd. Enjoy~
Phone rings
Don't wanna pick it up
I'm so scared
I'm gonna say too much
I tip toe around your questions
Why you gotta dig so deep?
I sit in the bathtub, letting the steamy water take over my pores and melt away the stress of another busy day. Looking out the window, I look down at the streets and lights of New York. I use my hand to wipe away the steam that has collected on the glass. The moon is bright and shines down on the dim lit bathroom. Completely breathtaking view from my bathroom hotel window.
Suddenly, my phone rings from the floor right next to the tub. Glancing over, I see Yukari's number flashing on the screen. I gulp, contemplating weather or not I should answer it.
Lately being a pop star isn't all that it's cut out to be. At first it was fine. Now, after Iru and Eru are gone, nothing's going right. Four years after Easter went to Hikaru and we stopped hunting X-Eggs. It's given me a lot of time now to travel the world instead of staying in Japan for a majority of my time, expanding my career.
It's probably another interview, I think. Another way for someone to twist and turn my words into the next romance rumor or the next headline for the new issue of a gossip magazine. I always try my best to answer in the simplest way, but somehow they always manage to wiggle a story out of my words.
I'm Tsukiyomi Utau, world wide pop star, what do I have to be scared of? I reach down and pick up the phone just as it stops ringing. Just as I'm about to call Yukari back, I hesitate. There's so much I have to be scared of.
Another press conference where I have to clear up another useless rumor about me? I'll bet you it's exactly that, it always is now. No matter where I go Yukari has to schedule a press conference on some stupid rumor someone decided to conjure up about me.
Tears fall
And the glasses break
Inside these walls
The floor boards shake
From outside
It's alright
Long as you looking from fifty feet
I hate what the media has made me become. It's like every little flaw they find about me, they use. From every interview or any second I'm out in the public, it's like they can't get enough judging every aspect of me.
Now Hoshina Utau, the dark Lolita has gotten the new and "improved" bubblegum pop look. No more black dresses with lace and the gothic style I usually like. No, now it's the skinny jeans and tight revealing shirts with the impossibly walkable heels. Then the makeup I never needed before is always on my face now and takes so long to take off. The twin pigtails, gone and instead curled down my back wherever I go.
Needless to say, it takes more time than necessary for me to get ready in the morning; and I hate it.
I've even got complaints about my weight and my size from the media. Almost everyone has their opinion on me and decide to share it at every chance they get.
Sure onstage and in front of all those people I'm okay, but these nights that I spend in the hotel rooms I wallow in all my tears and come crashing down. Yukari, not even Ikuto, knows of this.
Hell knows where that boy is anyway. He ditched home long ago to find our father, who is likely gone.
I been trying trying
Hold my head up high
I been lying lying
Keeping it all inside
Trying not to trust you, yeah
Take another leaf, I'm broke yeah yeah?
How much longer can I keep this up?
I'm done, I give up
I don't wanna pretend no more
That's it, so what
I've lost a friend before
Gonna say it like it is
No more wondering what if
That ain't the way you oughta live
Cause I don't want you to love me
If you don't wanna love me for me
Cause I don't want you to love me
If you don't wan' love me for me
I sink further in the giant tub, so that my mouth is submerged. I breath in through my nose and exhale through my mouth, letting the bubbles come up and pop.
A doll house is all that you could see
But it's so far from my reality
I got problems, I got issues
Sometimes it's all too much for me
Wrap it up with a pretty little bow
But there are some things you can't sugarcoat
Give it to you anyway
Even though it won't taste so sweet
It seems all everyone sees me as the perfect girl. Young, beautiful, a world wide pop star, money, etc. But that's only on the outside. No one can see the pain I carry with me that never leaves. So many rumors about me, so many rude things said about me. Again I find myself doubting my decision of traveling the world and not staying home at Japan and go to college with Amu. I have this argument with myself almost every night now.
My phone rings again, but this time it's Amu with a text message, as if one cue.
Hey Utau, I haven't seen you in so long. Do you want to meet up soon? We have a lot of catching up to do. I'm in New York for a few days for family. I can make time.
Of course I'd love to meet up with Amu. She seems to be the only friend I have left. Even so, we weren't as close as when we were younger. I miss being so close with her. I've missed so much of what was before I started the world tour. I've been so lonely. No charas to talk to, Yukari is always busy on her phone, and no one else to speak to my feelings to.
Amu is at college, studying writing. It seems something else she's good at. She hardly has time anymore and neither do I.
I know Yukari wouldn't let me go though. She books up my schedule to the last second. No way would she approve of it. Would it really matter though? Does anything matter anymore.
I been trying trying
Hold my head up high
I been lying lying
Keeping it all inside
Maybe I could trust you, yeah
Take another leaf, I'm broke yeah yeah?
Maybe it's time I take all this into my hands.
As I think this I know it's a fatal move. It's dangerous on not only me, but Yukari's career as well. I would never want to do that to her. She's done so much for me, we've been through everything together, and everything she does is for the best. But is it for the best for me?
I'm done, I give up
I don't wanna pretend no more
That's it, so what
I've lost a friend before
Gonna say it like it is
No more wondering what if
That ain't the way you oughta live
Cause I don't want you to love me
If you don't wanna love me for me
Sick of all the fighting
All the slamming of the doors
The pain, the parents, too deep you know
Step back, step back
Can you see it through my eyes?
I know, I know
Maybe a surprise
Don't wanna be perceived for something that I'm not
Just wanna be accepted for the little that I got
If you could see me now in my glass house
Not ready to let you in
It's never enough for people though. No matter how much I try, I can never win. No matter what look I put up or what I sing or wear, someone will always be there to judge. My eyes widen.
And that's the last step I need to cross over to become an actual pop star. Suddenly, everything snaps into place.
Then there are those celebrity "friends" I've made that just ended up stabbing me in the back, almost as worst as the paparazzi. So much drama boiled up because of this. Looking back, I can see how it could of all been avoided. I was too caught up in the fame, I forgot who I was.
Now, as I sit in this tub, I realize this is what my mistake has been all along. Taking people's opinion's to heart when I should only care about what I think of myself and let that sweep me away from who I really am. That's what made me change my appearance and everything about me that made me Hoshina Utau. I send a quick text to Yukari.
I'm not doing another interview. I'm done with clearing up more rumors that will only sprout. I'm doing everything my way now.
Within a few seconds she responds. It was like she was waiting for this day to come for a long time. And I then realize something else; she knew all along what was going on. It was like all this was a test.
It just occurred in my mind that one day Yukari might not be with me anymore and then I'll have to make all the decisions. She was testing me. I feel ashamed to say it took me this long to figure it all out.
I knew you would make the right choice.
Finally, everything that's happened in the past two years comes crashing down; all the interviews, all the gossip, all the hate. It's like it all just smashed down into realization for me. The next thing I do is text Amu.
Sure Amu. Give me the details later.
Maybe while I'm already starting to change things, I might as well change something I've messed up. I dial the number I've memorized into my brain and put it on speaker. Please pick up. I don't know what I'm going to say, but maybe that's also a good thing.
I'm done, I give up
I don't wanna pretend no more
That's it, so what
I've lost a friend before
Gonna say it like it is
No more wondering what if
That ain't the way you oughta live
Cos I don't want you to love me
If you don't wanna love me for me
"Hello?" His voice is still so smooth and husky as last time I heard it. I almost swoon with the sound of his voice. Oh, how I've missed that voice so much in the past two months.
"I'm sorry."
Cause I don't want you to love me
If you don't wanna love me for me
"What made you change your mind about your feelings for me?"
"Nothing." He pauses for a moment.
"So, no more pop diva Hoshina Utau with the over the top concerts and overdone caked on makeup and the occasional auto tune?"
"No. I've made my decision."
"So the great Hoshina Utau is choosing her ex-boyfriend over what her management says not to have a relationship?"
"Yes." I gnaw on my lip. Is it too late? Is this too late? Our we too late? Have I lost him forever?
"I love you Utau. So much." It's like all the weight has been lifted off me. So much relief by hearing him say those words to me again. I never thought I'd hear him say that again.
Cause I don't want you to love me
If you don't wanna love me for me
"I love you too Kukai. Nothing's gonna stop me from being with you again, no one is."
"Won't you get in a lot of trouble? I love you, but your career-"
"I don't care, because I realize now." I pause, looking out the window. The steam has reappeared on the place where I previously wiped it away, but I can still see the lights of New York. "That not everyone's gonna love me, and right now everyone's loving me for who I'm not. I'm the Lolita Princess, and if they can't love me for that, I don't want them love me if they can't love me for me."
"I'm glad you finally realize this. I love you."
"I love you too."
It's time to get back on track.
So as most of you know I usually write romantic. I honestly decided to go out of my comfort zone a bit and write a more meaningful one-shot. it has some Kutau in it, as I'm not completely out of my comfort zone and I chose this song because it has a special meaning in my heart and Utau seems like someone who can fit right into the song.
This is also a quick update on Test of Trust sequel. I've decided to pre write the entire thing. it won't be up until October, maybe November. I wanna give you guys this awesome thing but depending on school work it'll come out earliest end of October and latest end of December or possibly beginning of January.
I'm going to be a freshman in two weeks and i'll be concentrated on my school work. I regret now not taking creative writing as a course because i know i'm good at it but oh well.
I'll make as much time as I can for writing. If you want follow my account for updates its H_A_H_E on Twitter and thats about it.
Thank you for the wait, I hope you liked this and if you didn't...eh I tried my best and that's all that counts in my opinion. Love you guys xx
~HAHE