RENT:
Be My Lover
She was my whole world. At least that's what I convinced myself into believing. But if I was going to be honest with myself I'd given my heart away a long time ago. The only problem was I wasn't sure if this person felt the same way I did about him. Yeah, I know. Crappy way to live, huh? Oh, it gets better. This guy I'm in love with is my best friend. Mark. I'd lived in the same apartment with him for four years. He knew me better then anyone ever could. Even my girlfriend, Mimi. The last thing I wanted to do was break her heart, because I loved her a lot. It just took me awhile to figure out I only really loved her as a friend, but Mark? Jesus. I couldn't imagine my life without him. He's the dorky guy who's constantly reminding me to take my AZT and shoving his beloved camera in my face, trying to document every second of our lives. Now I just had to break the news to Mimi. And Mark of course.
One morning I lay on the couch, my arm flung over my face, as Mark dug in our fridge for something to eat. The chances of finding anything however, were slim to none because neither of us had gone grocery shopping in the last two weeks and we were both broke. And Benny, our bastard of a landlord, would be banging on our door any day now, begging for the rent. It's amazing to think we were ever friends with the guy. But money changes people. And Benny definitely changed after he got rich.
As if on cue, there was a loud banging on the door.
"Oh, fuck. Mark, could you get that?" I grumbled, rolling over onto my side, pretending to be asleep.
"Okay, Roger. But you're gettin' it next time," Mark said.
"'Kay," I mumbled in agreement. Mark cautiously headed toward the door, as if expecting it to bite him. "Just open it, you weenie," I said, grinning at him.
"Shut up. If it's Benny you don't want it open anymore then I do," Mark growled.
Groaning, I got up off the couch and opened the door, wincing in preparation for an onslaught of Benny's rantings.
"Hey, bitches! What the hell took you so long?" Collins demanded, stepping into the apartment.
"We thought you were Benny," Mark replied.
Collins shook his head. "Nope. Even though my salary doesn't even come close to his I still manage to dress better than him," he said with a grin.
I snorted, shaking my head. "You're amazing, Collins."
"And don't you forget it anytime soon, good sir," he said, slapping me on the back. "Well, I just wanted to see how you two were doin'. I'm off to a meeting at the Life. You coming?" he asked, directing this question at me.
"Yeah, I'll be there in a bit. I have to talk to Mark about something first," I said.
"All right. See you later," Collins said, leaving us behind. Mark, his arms crossed at his chest, stared quizzically at me.
"You know, I think that's the happiest I've seen him since Angel…" I trailed off.
"Yeah, I know." Mark agreed, nodding. "So, what did you want to talk to me about that couldn't possibly wait until after your meeting?"
"Well, I, uh, just wanted to know if you were going grocery shopping since, you know, we don't have any food," I said feebly. Smooth, Davis. Food? What the hell? I was chicken shit. Unable to be honest with my best friend. If I couldn't be truthful with him why should anyone trust me?
"Um, Roger, I would but we have a small problem."
"Yeah? What's wrong?"
"We're broke, remember?"
"Oh, right. I should go to that meeting then. You coming with?" I asked, daring to hope for a mili-second that he'd actually say yes.
"I'd like too, but there are some shots I wanted to take downtown today," he said, grabbing his camera.
"Oh, okay," I said, opening the door, stepping out into the hallway. Mimi stood in her doorway, watching me. She flashed me a small smile.
"Hey, Roger."
"Uh, hey, Mimi. So you going to the Life Support meeting today?" I asked.
"Sure am. You too?" I nodded. Just then Mark came out, his camera secure in it's bag which he had slung over his right shoulder.
"Hey, guys. Guess I could walk you down there. That is, if you don't mind?" he asked, directing the question at Mimi. Mimi shrugged, smiling at us.
"I don't care. Roger?"
"No, I don't mind. Being with my best friend and girlfriend? Not a problem at all," I said, my voice surprisingly calm even though my mouth felt incredibly raw and dry.
"You coming, Roger?" Mark asked. He and Mimi had started walking down the hall without me, then slowly came back toward me, concern in their faces.
"Huh?" I asked, feeling as if I was coming up for air after being rudely dunked in a swimming pool. Truth? I was drowning. And nobody could save me because I couldn't get my mouth to work properly.
"You okay, baby?" Mimi asked, grabbing my hand.
"Fine. Just fine," I smiled at her, letting her lead me down the hall. Liar, liar, LIAR! I thought bitterly, sure I was going to get physically sick right then and there.
About fifteen minutes or so later we were at the Life Support meeting. Mark smiled at us, shifting his camera bag to his left shoulder.
"I'll see you at home later?" he asked me.
"Yeah. Maybe we could invite Maureen, Joanne, Collins, and Mimi over for dinner tonight? Make them bring food with them?" I suggested, chuckling softly. "That is, if you're not busy?" I asked Mimi.
"I'll come over. You guys broke again? Jesus, Benny's gonna be pissed," she said.
"Thanks for stating the obvious," Mark muttered with a weak smile, shaking his head in disgust.
"Yeah, we're pretty much in the shit-hole where Benny's concerned," I said. Have I mentioned yet that I'm an idiot? Because I am. A certifiable one. A chance for Mark and me to be alone in lord know's how long and I open my mouth again. Terrible foot-in-mouth disease. I really should have it checked out.
"Well, I better go. I'll see you guys later. Oh, and, Mimi? Bring food. Please!" Mark pleaded.
"Sure thing, Mark. The term 'starving artists' is a nice metaphor but definitely not something you guys should practice on a regular basis," Mimi said, smiling.
"Thank you!" Mark crowed happily before taking off to film.
"Hey, you two, over here!" Collins said, flagging me and Mimi over to him. We sat down next to him. "Thought you wouldn't make it, Roger."
"And miss out on a chance to annoy the crap out of you? Never," I said, grinning at him.
Collins chuckled. "What do you see in this wise-ass, Mimi?"
"Same thing you do, Collins. He's a pretty boy musician. Other than that, he doesn't have too much to offer a girl except sex and the occasional beer," Mimi said, grinning wickedly at me.
"And you call me the wise-ass, Collins!?" I demanded, feigning shock.
"All right, people, let's get this meeting started, shall we?" Paul, the director of Life Support asked. Everyone quieted down and turned their attention to Paul. "Okay, this week I want us to talk about things we regret never having told someone. Maybe because that person has passed on or maybe because we're too ashamed of our own illness to be honest with others in our lives. Roger, would you like to go first?"
Shit! No fuckin' way! I thought, feeling my nausea return.
"I, uh, I'm not really sure what to say," I stuttered, feeling my face warm. I couldn't exactly say anything because Mimi was there. She'd kill me if I humiliated her in front of all these people, which in itself was ironic, considering I was dying anyway. Half the time I wasn't sure whether being HIV positive was a curse or a blessing in disguise.
Collins cleared his throat, raising his hand briefly. "I'll go, Paul, if Roger doesn't want to," he said, shooting a glance in my direction. I shook my head profusely.
"All right, go ahead, Collins," Paul agreed.
"When I first realized I was gay I wasn't sure how people would react when I came out to them. But since I trusted my roommates Roger, Benny, and Mark I came out to them first and it ended up being the best decison I could have made. All three of them were very open and supportive. They really didn't care who I slept with as long as I was happy. And for that I'm really grateful. So, Roger, I just wanted to thank you for being my friend and for being there for me when I've needed you," Collins said. I struggled to swallow a lump which had formed in my throat. "Hey, it's what friends are for, right?" I asked, smiling weakly.
After the meeting was over I turned to Mimi. "I'll meet you back at the apartment, okay? I need to talk to Collins for awhile," I said, absentmindedly rubbing the back of my neck.
She nodded. "Okay. Don't forget to invite him over tonight," she said, kissing me before she left.
"Damn, she's a lot of woman. I'm not sure if I could imagine her with anyone other than you, Roger. I don't even think Maureen could handle her, and that's saying something," Collins said.
I chuckled. "Don't say that. Please. I would hope she'd be able to find somebody."
"After you're gone you mean?" he whispered, gently putting his hand on my shoulder. I sighed heavily. Did honesty actually kill? Well, now was a perfect time to find out."Actually, Collins, I mean after I break her heart. I love her, but not the way she needs to be loved. I, I've fallen for someone else. And it's gonna kill Mimi when she finds out. But I can't ignore the way I feel about this person anymore," I said, my voice cracking from the thought of how many people I could lose by being upfront and honest. Only the two people who mattered to me most in the world. Jesus. This honesty thing may be good for the soul but it really sucked from my vantage point.
"Do I know this person?" I nodded, biting my lower lip nervously. "Dammit, Angel. Honey, you were right," he whispered.
"Excuse me?" I asked in confusion.
"Angel told me you were in love with someone other than Mimi. Have you told Mark the way you feel about him?"
"Not yet," I whispered.
"You need to tell him. Both of them. Tonight," Collins urged me.
"Mark and I were going to have this party tonight. I was supposed to invite you. I'm sure Mark's already invited Maureen and Joanne," I said tiredly, worriedly.
"Relax, Roger. I'll call Maureen and Joanne. Tonight is going to be about you, Mimi, and Mark. Give me a call when it's all over, okay? Don't worry. Everything will be fine," Collins promised. I wished I felt as sure of that as he did.
That night Mimi came over around six. She looked around the room in confusion.
"Where is everybody?" she asked, seeing Mark and me sitting on the couch. I cleared my throat, getting to my feet. "They aren't coming. You better sit down, Mimi. I need to tell you and Mark something important."
Mimi shot Mark a confused look. He shrugged, turning his attention once again to me. I wished he would stop staring at me like that. Oh, great now they both were staring at me expectantly. How the hell was a guy supposed to come out of the friggin' closet with this kind of pressure? The only pressure here is the pressure you're putting on yourself, sweetie. Relax, boy. They love you. You'll be okay. I took a deep breath, feeling Angel with me, supporting me.
"The reason it's just the three of us tonight is because I have something important to tell you two. No matter what happens in the long run it'll always be about the three of us and what we mean to each other. Mimi, you know I love you right?"
"Yeah. What's wrong, Roger?"
"And you and I will always be best friends, Mark. You mean more to me than you could possibly know."
"Yeah, I know, Roger. What is this? Are you putting us in your will or something?"
Ignoring their questions I plowed on. "I've been struggling with my feelings a lot lately. I've tried to ignore certain thoughts, just passing them off as a one time thing. But as hard as I've tried to ignore these feelings the stronger they've become."
"What are you getting at, Roger? Are you saying you love someone other than me?" Mimi whispered. I nodded, tears streaming down my face.
"Do, do you hate me?" I asked fearfully.
Mimi kissed me on the cheek. "These things happen. We'll still be friends though, right?"
"Definitely," I agreed happily. I turned toward Mark. He hadn't said anything since mentioning my will. He got up off the couch, heading for his room.
"Mark!" I exclaimed pleadingly. He looked back at me once, a wounded, hurt expression on his face before finally entering his room. The click of the door closing behind him was worse in some ways then if he had just yelled at me.
"Roger?"
I finally turned toward Mimi again. "Yeah?"
"You really love him, don't you?" I nodded, flashing her a small smile. "Come here, you," she said, pulling me into a hug. "Believe it or not, hon, I'm not pissed at you. A little shocked maybe, but that's it. And don't worry yourself over Mark, all right? He'll come around. And no matter what happens between you two he'll always be your best friend. Just like I will," she promised, standing up. I followed suit.
"Thanks, Mimi," I said, hugging her.
"Now go tell that boy how much you love him," Mimi ordered, before leaving the apartment.
Sighing heavily, I went over to Mark's bedroom, knocking on the door. No answer. "Mark?" I called out. Still no answer. I entered his room. He lay on his bed staring up at the ceiling.
"Go away, Roger."
"No," I said defiantly, crossing my arms at my chest.
"Roger, I mean it. Now go…"
"Shut up."
"What?"
"You heard me. You and I are going to talk about this whether you like it or not."
"Fine. Go ahead and talk. I can't promise you I'll listen."
"Okay, you know what? I just came in here to tell you that my feelings for you, Mark have grown beyond friendship. If you can't handle that maybe I should just move out," I said before going to my own room. I pulled my suitcase out from underneath my bed, putting it on my comforter, and opening it. I threw clothes and other random necessities in before closing it. Grabbing the suitcase and my guitar case, complete with guitar, I left my room. Mark had migrated to the living room by this point.
"You're really leaving?" he asked.
"What? Did you think I was kidding?" I grunted in response.
"Where are you going?"
"I dunno. But I'll call when I figure that, okay?"
"Sure," Mark agreed.
"I'd kiss you goodbye but I wouldn't want you to catch my disease. And I ain't talkin' AIDS, sweetheart."
Mark looked like he wanted to protest at my comment but I opened the door, not willing to have another argument. I came face-to-face with Benny.
"You and Cohen evicting yourselves, Davis? You realize you don't need to do that if you have the rent? You do have the rent, don't you?"
"I don't live here anymore, Benny. Talk to Mark," I said, sliding past him out into the hallway.
"Roger, wait!" Mark yelled.
"Don't worry, Mark. I'll send you my half of the money as soon as I get it." Mark nodded, sighing in relief.
"Th, that's not how it works, Roger!" Benny sputtered angrily.
"Well, that's not my problem is it? And what does it matter to you? You'll be getting your money. I promise," I smirked at him, slapping him on the back.
"Promises don't feed or clothe!" Benny wailed in protest.
Mark laughed. "Like you need to worry about that shit," he said, shaking his head in disbelief.
"Listen to the man, Benny. He makes sense," I said, winking at Mark. Benny nodded numbly. "All right, but I need the money by next week, boys," he said before leaving.
"Damn we make a great team. You sure you want me to leave?"
Mark shrugged. "No, but if it's what you want…"
"It is," I said in hurried agreement.
"Don't forget to take your AZT," Mark reminded me with a smile.
"I was planning on it," I shot back, grinning at him.
"Jerk," he muttered. "You'll call?"
"Uh huh. Later, Mark," I said, hugging him before I finally left.
About half an hour later I stood outside Joanne's apartment building in the more posh area of New York City. It was snowing. I jumped up and down, blowing into my hands trying to warm up.
"Come on! Open the damn door," I grumbled, pushing Joanne's doorbell for the second time. Maureen's voice came over the speaker.
"Hello? Who's there?"
"Maureen, it's Roger. Could you let me in?" I asked, my teeth chattering from the cold.
"Roger!? Honey, what're you doing all the way out here?" Maureen asked excitedly.
I rolled my eyes. "Hey, Maureen, could you buzz me in first? It's fucking freezing out here!"
"Oh, right," she said, letting me in. I entered the building, heading up to Joanne's apartment. Maureen flung the door open before I even knocked.
"Hey, stranger," I said, grinning at her, running my hand casually through my hair.
"Get your ass in here, sweetie!" she squealed. "Pookie, guess who's here?" she yelled excitedly at Joanne, who was in the other room. I began to wonder if I'd made the right choice in coming here.
"Hey, Roger," Joanne said, coming into the room.
"I really don't mean to be forward or anything, but Mark and I had a fight and I was wondering if I could crash here for a couple days?" I asked.
"Of course you can!" Maureen insisted, nodding her head emphatically. I raised an eyebrow in Joanne's direction.
"What she said," she replied, smiling at me.
"Why not just stay with Mimi though?" Maureen asked.
"We broke up."
Maureen gasped. "Collins was right!"
I stared at her quizzically. "What do you mean Collins was right?"
"You play for our team. So, does that mean Marky's gay too?" Maureen asked, her eyes wide with excitement and curiosity.
"No, Marky, um, Mark isn't gay."
Maureen frowned. "Is he bi?"
"Maureen!" Joanne exclaimed.
Maureen sighed in exasperation. "Pookie, I'm just trying to help Roger! He's obviously in love with Mark, and Mark? Well, Mark is being an idiot. How could he not want to be with Roger? I mean look at him! Hello!"
Joanne cleared her throat, glaring at Maureen.
I chuckled. "Maureen, not everyone is as open about their sexuality as you are."
"So, Mark is gay?"
"Truthfully, I don't know. It's something Mark is going to have to figure out on his own," I said.
"Maureen, I have to go to work early tomorrow. I'm going to bed now. Night, Roger. Glad to have you here," Joanne said, stifling a yawn.
"Okay, Pookie. I'll be with you in a minute, just let me get Roger settled," Maureen said.
"Night, Joanne. Thanks again for letting me stay," I said gratefully.
"No problem," Joanne said, heading to her room.
"I'll have to set you up on the pull-out couch, okay?" Maureen asked.
"Sure. Thanks, Maureen," I said.
"No problem, hon," she said, pulling out the couch. She quickly put fresh sheets, a blanket and pillows on it. "There you go," she said with a smile.
"Thanks again, Maureen," I replied.
"You know I'd be happy to talk some sense into Mark for you."
"I know you would, but I'm just going to let it go for now," I said.
She shrugged. "Okay, sweetie. Whatever you think is best," she finally agreed.
The next morning I had a Life Support meeting. I entered the room, sitting next to Mimi and Collins.
"Mark spent the night at my place last night," Mimi whispered fiercely to me.
"He what!?" I asked in disbelief.
"He was lonely. You told him that you'd call and you never did!" Mimi said, glaring at me. I bowed my head, staring at her guiltily through locks of hair that had fallen in my face.
"I meant to but I just forgot," I said. That was a bald faced lie. I remembered all right. I spent the entire night thinking about what we'd said to each other. And wondering if we'd get past our heated arguments so we'd be able to be friends again if not… No, Roger! Don't go there! He doesn't love you, and there's nothing you can do about it.
"I suppose you just forgot to call me too?" Collins asked.
"Yeah, I'm sorry about that."
"It's okay. I know you've got a lot on your mind right now," he said.
Then something happened I wasn't expecting. Mark walked through the door, camera in hand. He stopped, staring right at me. I stared back, feeling a lump form in my throat. I could see the indecision on his face. He was debating whether to come over or bolt out the door. I smiled anxiously at him. He seemed to screw up enough courage because he came over, standing in front of me.
"All right, let's go," he said, holding his hand out for me to take. I stared at it, not moving from my seat.
"Go where? I have a meeting!" I protested.
"Fuck the meeting," he said, grabbing a hold of my hand and pulling me across the room. We ran into Paul on the way out.
"Roger, where are you going?" he asked.
"Family emergency," I replied.
Once we got outside Mark dropped my hand and turned toward me.
"God, Mark. I'm sorry I didn't call…" Without warning our mouths collided in a heated, passionate embrace. Mark pushed me roughly against the Life Support's brick building, making my t-shirt ride up a little on my body. He continued to kiss me hard and eagerly on the mouth. He pushed his tongue against my teeth until I relented, opening my mouth. His tongue slowly entered my mouth, stroking my tongue with his own. A few minutes later we broke apart, panting heavily. Mark, his lips swollen and brusied from the intense make-out session we just had, grinned drunkenly up at me. He appeared rather pleased with himself that he could shock me so fully. I, on the other hand, was still trying to process what had occured within the past twenty minutes.
"You're awfully quiet. You okay, Roger?" Mark asked, commenting on my silence. He placed his hand on my shoulder, staring at me in concern. "I thought this is what you wanted?" he whispered. Another lump was settling comfortably in my throat, and I choked back a sob. "It is, Mark. God, it is. But is it what you want?"
It was Mark's turn to become silent. I waited anxiously for his response. He sighed heavily, rubbing his hand over his face.
"No, it's not, Rog. I want Mimi," he finally replied. Needless to say, I was floored and devastated by this news.
"Oh," I managed to choke out. Mark stepped closer to me, pulling my head down toward him so our lips lightly touched. When he backed up, he had a wide grin on his face.
"You are so gullible, Davis," he said, kissing me again.
I shoved him lightly. "It's called method acting, Cohen. I'm suprised you didn't recognize it, being a big time filmmaker and all."
"Right," Mark muttered, rolling his eyes.
"Do you want to get out of here?"
"I thought you'd never ask," Mark retorted.
Once we got back to the apartment we were both starving, but of course still had no money, thus no food. When we entered the apartment I stared around in disbelief. Our friends were there with more than enough food to last at least half a year.
"Dammit, guys. You really didn't have to do this," I said.
"Sure we did. We weren't about to let you guys starve on top of everything else you've been putting each other through lately," Mimi said.
"What're you talking about?" Mark asked.
"How about being dishonest about how you felt about each other, for starters?" Collins asked with a raised eyebrow. Mark and I chuckled nervously, grabbing each other's hands.
"Well, I think it's safe to say we figured it out," I said, pulling Mark closer to me, kissing him. "And when I say we I really mean Mark."
Mark rolled his eyes. "Gee, Roger, that makes me feel all kinds of special."
"You're welcome, baby," I replied with a smile.
"So, Mark, you are gay?" Maureen asked bluntly.
"Maureen!" Joanne exclaimed, horrified at her girlfriend's behavior.
Collins and Mimi were laughing so hard that they had to lean on each other for support or fall over.
"Should I tell her?" Mark asked me.
"What?" I asked, not sure where this was going. In response, Mark pulled me to him, shoving his tongue down my throat, kissing me fiercely, his hands roaming over every inch of my body. A few minutes later we broke apart, filling our aching lungs with air as if it were going out of style.
"That answer your question, Maureen?" Mark asked. Maureen nodded, for the first time in her life speechless.
"All right, people. Let's eat," Collins said. We all agreed, heading over to the counter, filling plates with mountains of food. As we all sat down to enjoy our meal, my eyes naturally landed on Mark. I couldn't believe that what we had was real. I had been dreaming for years that he'd finally realize how I felt about him, but I never expected it to happen. Mark, feeling my eyes on him, looked up, smiling at me. "I love you," he mouthed to me, his eyes lighting up. I love you too, Mark Cohen. I love you too. After all this time you are finally my lover.
The End