Just some pointless Naruto crack that had been sitting around in my computer for ages. This is my first Naruto fic ever, sorry if it sucks.
Summary: Kakashi gets summoned for an interview to rank him on the pervert-o-meter.
Top of the heap
"Ah, Kakashi-sensei," said the man smoothly, "so glad you had a moment. I have a…doubt, you could say, which I was hoping you could help me solve. You see, I'm having trouble rating you on my pervert-o-meter. Now, Jiraiya-sensei was at the very top, of course, since he not only peeked into the women's baths, but openly admitted to doing it. And he wrote pornography, of course. Neji, on the other hand, is at the bottom of my meter, because he has a technique with various… alternative uses, shall we say, but he doesn't seem to exploit them. Moreover, he ignores his cousin because she is not as gifted as him with this technique, even though she is thoroughly gifted in other areas."
Kakashi blinked.
" Iruka-sensei and Ebisu-sensei are ranked in the middle of the scale, seeing as they are both closet perverts. But you, Kakashi-sensei…ah, you are a riddle wrapped in a mystery under a mask. Your case is so…controversial. You read porn, but you turn away if anyone tries to peek. You read it out in the open, of course, but you don't brag about it. You have never expressed active interest in any women. I have never seen you grope—do you grope, by the way?"
"Guh," said Kakashi, whose mind had not caught up with the conversation yet.
"I see. Of course, it could just so happen that you simply like Jiraiya-sensei's writing for its style, don't think I haven't considered this theory. So tell me, do you own explicit magazines?"
Kakashi swallowed.
"Other books of the same…genre as your favourite series? Perhaps there is a particular adult film that you enjoy? No? Please don't be shy, this is very important. Now…how many times a week do you try to look into the women's baths?"
"Um."
"I'll assume that means quite a few. Do you have any specific targets, spots, or techniques designed to this end? Have you ever attempted to write, draw or otherwise record concepts that may be considered perverted—like, say, women in maid outfits?"
Confusion was turning to mild horror in Kakashi's face.
" By the way, I'm very interested in those techniques Naruto has learned and developed, those he calls 'hentai no jutsu'. Was it, by any chance, you who taught him this? Or perhaps you just left your book…ahem…accidentally lying around, and your pupil took his ideas from it?"
A bead of sweat was starting to roll down the chuunin's neck.
"Do you often experience nosebleeds or excessive salivating when in the presence of an attractive woman? Oh! Oh, excuse me, yes, yes, of course. Let me rephrase that: do you often experience the aforementioned symptoms in the presence of an attractive woman…or man?"
Kakashi had just enough presence of mind left to stutter "I'm not gay" before the man continued.
"Do you ever look at lingerie display cases? Male or female lingerie, of course—"
"I'm not gay!"
"And if so, have you ever been tempted to buy it? Have you ever used one of your ninjutsu or genjutsu for perverted purposes? If so, which and how? Oh, excuse me; of course I would not dare ask you to reveal your secrets, nothing further from my intention. Moving on to more...practical matters, have you ever approached, with lecherous intentions, an unknown woman—or man, excuse me, I keep forgetting—in, say, a bar?
"Still not gay..."
"How about a known one—Shizune-san, for example? No? Have you ever shared your…interests with your friends or other acquaintances? Apart from Naruto, that is. Oh, I see. Very well, Kakashi-sensei, give me a minute while I evaluate the results. Hmm… I see. Why, this is most extraordinary! Your subclass is 'open deviant'—one who, without taking their perversion to extremes, is ready to show it and share it with the world—not discriminating by gender—"
"I'm not…oh, forget it."
"—and you are just under the great Jiraiya-sensei in the pervert-o-meter! Magnificent! Oh, don't let me detain you any further, Kakashi-sensei, I have more than enough data now."
Suddenly realizing he was being dismissed, Kakashi practically ran out of the room, vowing not to enter it ever again.