I was listening to Ho Hey by The Lumineers and this popped into my brain. Just something I threw together quick.
You're My Sweetheart
I walk into my crappy studio apartment and survey the area. Nothing seems out of place. It's just something that I do every time I come home.
Home. That sounds like such a strange word for this place. But I guess now this is home. New York City is my new home.
I don't know how someplace so strange can be home but maybe one day it will feel less strange and more home. Everything is just so unfamiliar. In Lima I knew everything. Here I need to pull out a map every time I go somewhere so I don't get lost.
I go out everyday looking for a job. A stabile job. One that I want. Not the waitress job that I have now. That's not why I came to New York. I came to New York to make my dreams come true. And working the lunch shift at a diner is definitely not my dream. But it does pay the bills.
I don't have much. A twin bed and about a dozen outfits. That's about it. It's a far cry from what I have back in Lima. But sacrifices had to be made.
There's so much that I left behind in Lima. So much.
"Hello bed. How I've missed you." It's like half the size of my bed in Lima but that's all that will fit in this tiny apartment.
It's lonely. I don't know anybody yet. I know that Kurt and Rachel are in New York but I didn't really want to associate with them or depend on them too much. I want to make it on my own. And if I have to be lonely before I met some friends so be it.
I miss her the most. It's hard. But it was the discussion that I made and now I have to live with it. It's for the best. And all I ever wanted for her was the best. And to do the right thing. But sometimes I don't know if I did the right thing.
"Britt, stop it. His hair is fine the way it is. Stop fussing."
"I'm not fussing." She tells me as she tries to flatting Nick's hair down once more.
"It's fine." I scoff.
"I want it to look good for the photo." She says while she concentrates on the fine hair.
"It will be fine he's just a baby. Now sit down babe so we can take this photo and get this over with."
The photographer takes a few photos of us as a family before he says he has enough and we can leave.
I jolt awake from my sleep. A dream. It was just a dream. A wonderful dream. But it was sadly just that. A dream of the future. A future that I no longer have. A sigh escapes me at the thought.
Some days I feel like such an idiot. That I just let her go. That I could even do that. It was the hardest thing that I've ever done. Some days I wish things were different. Easier.
Being an adult sucks.
"Even in my dreams." I whisper into the night. "You're even in my dreams." Like maybe she can her me somehow.
"Brittany come on were gonna be late for our date." I see her all of a sudden. She crosses the street and walks up next to him. Smiles that goofy smile of hers.
"There isn't time to mess around with every animal that you come across. We have plans." He says to her.
I don't know how I can hear what they are saying. They are so far away. But I can hear it all clear as day.
"But that squirrel looked injured. I wanted to see if I could help him." She pouts at him.
"We are gonna be late for our movie." He tells her tenderly as he laces his arm through hers. My stomach flips at the sight.
That should be me. I should be the one taking her out on dates and going to the movies. That should be me not him. I belong with her.
"Okay." She gives in. He kisses her on the temple. I just about throw up.
The last thing I see is them disappearing into the movie theater.
This time I wake up crying. It's been so long since I've seen her. And I'm pretty positive she is happy with him. So there is really nothing I can do about it. That's one of the reason I came to New York. So I didn't have to see them together. But I can't escape it no matter how hard I try.
I broke it off with her so she has every right to be with whoever she wants now.
I get a glass of water before returning to bed. I don't think I will be able to sleep anymore tonight. I stare up at the ceiling wishing the pain in my heart would be away. But it never will. For as long as I'm not with her that pain will always be there.
6 months later
I look up from the bench I'm sitting on when the bus stops. A couple people get off before I see her. As beautiful as ever. Like an angel. She spots me and I stand up to greet her.
We agreed to meet here. The corner of Canal and Bowery in Chinatown. I don't know why I agreed to that but she said she wanted to go to Chinatown and I couldn't say no. So here we are.
She smiles at me as she approaches. That big bright smile that she reserves for only me. My smile is probably equally as big.
"I can't believe you are really here." I say when she is standing next to me.
"I know." She says.
"Are you real?"
She giggles. "Yes I'm real and before you ask yes this is really happening. It's not a dream. I'm really in New York City."
"Finally."
"Finally."
"It's been a very long year Brittany."
"I know. I know." She wraps me up in a hug. I hug her back as hard as I can for fear that she is some figment of my imagination. "Santana."
I pull back. "Hmm."
"What's wrong?" She asks me.
"Nothing." I tell her as I bury my face in her neck.
"I'm really here in New York City." She says to me. "I'm really here to start my life. No more high school. No more Lima. No more. I am here where I belong. To start my new life with my girlfriend."
"Prove it." I mumble against her neck. I just can't believe she is actually here with me.
She gently pushes my body away from hers. She looks down at me and smiles. Then she leans down and kisses me.
It takes my breath away and makes my knees weak. We kiss until we both need air.
"Is that enough proof for you?" She smirks at me. I try to swat at her arm but she ducks out of the way. "Okay. You led the way."
"Where?" I ask her confused about where she wants to go.
"Home." She says.
I smile so much that my face physically hurts. It's the first time since I've been in New York that it has actually felt like home. I realize that it wasn't the city that didn't feel like home. It's that my home was with her. And she wasn't with me. And that's why New York City didn't feel like home. But it does now.
I look to her and whisper. "I love you Britt." Tears pooling in my eyes.
She smiles and takes my hand. "I love you too." She tugs me down the sidewalk.