Chapter 1

After the second war end, everyone move on with their own life. Kira followed Lacus to Plant and the same goes to Luna and Meyrin. Cagalli still works as the representative of Orb and Athrun as the Admiral of Orb. Shinn chose to stay in Orb and live as a normal civilian because he doesn't want to involve in any military things.

Even though Shinn was the one who decided that but he felt that his everyday was filled with a dull and lame activity. He did the same thing almost every day. Eating, sleeping, watching tv and sleeping back. Everything that ever traumatized him before that he tried to forget will keep coming to his mind even though he tried to avoid them. The scenes from his past seem to haunt him day by day.

He keep thinking about how he made others suffered, how he was blinded with power in his hand. How he ignored any word from people. How selfish he was in the past. He hated to admit it but that was the reality. That was Shinn Asuka.

To avoid being close to anyone, he rented an apartment with his own savings. Once or twice a month, Luna will come to visit him to see how his life now. His relationship with Luna seems to stay normal like a couple. They do kissing each other but nothing more. Shinn confused with his own feeling. His mind told him that he loves Luna but in his heart, he knew that he felt nothing for her. He just felt lonely during the last war and he needed someone to support him which Luna was there for good.

Athrun too always visit him. Almost every day he will come to his house. Shinn observed that Athrun was more talkative than before but he just couldn't accept Athrun wholeheartedly as the impact of the last war. There was always something that made him insecure with that green eyes man, something that made him thought that Athrun was there for him only for a short time and he would be gone again.

He trusted Athrun so much but after once being told that Athrun was a traitor, he started to lose himself. He didn't want to feel that thing again in his life. Once was enough. After that, he kept thinking everyone tried to betray him and he trusts nobody. Although he knew that Rey was trying to manipulate him, he couldn't do anything because he needed someone to guide and order him what he needed to do.

Before this, Athrun was there to guide him and give him the advice or order that he needed. He was so disappointed when he thought about how he was selfishly not listening to what Athrun wanted to explain at Gibraltar even though Athrun was the one who kept reminding and supporting him in Minerva.

Today is like his normal day. Wake up early in the morning and unable to sleep back because of the nightmare that he had. He dreams about his family. When he woke up, he could feel the tears on his cheeks. He stared at the walls and the image of his family smiling started to appear.

"Mayu. Father, Mother… I miss you guys so much. Damn it!" he sobbed.

He doesn't know how many hours he spend laying on his bed while thinking about the past until suddenly he heard his front door being knocked rapidly. His heart was beating so fast because of the shocked.

"Who the hell knocking the door like a bastard in the morning?!" he rushed to the front door while gritted his teeth.

"Hey you rude basta….. EH! ATHRUN?"

He saw the smart blue hair man looked at him smiling.

"Why the hell is he here? He is the last one I want to see right now. Urgh shit." Shinn said inside. He knew Athrun able to read his mind easily so now was not the right time to have him here. He must not let Athrun read him.

"Good morning Shinn. Why you looked so mess up? You know what time it is now?" Athrun looked at him disgustingly.

"Shut up Athrun! By the way, who the hell teach you how to knock the door like you want to break it?!" Shinn tried to act normal.

Athrun chuckled and show Shinn what he brought for him. "Take this you spoiled brat. I know you are not eating anything at all since yesterday right? Here I bought you something you can eat."

"Tsk! I am not a spoiled brat! I was doing fine yesterday." Shinn grabbed the food forcefully. "Thanks by the way. Do you want to come inside this trashy house?" Shinn asked sarcastically. Why did Athrun so kind him even after everything happened?

Athrun acted like he didn't hear anything from Shinn and he welcomed himself inside. "So how's your day? How long you didn't clean your house….. and yourself? You smell stinky." Athrun said directly while looking around and commenting about how mess up Shinn's apartment was. Shinn followed him.

"Shinn! Did you hear what I said or you deaf already? I don't mind cleaning your ears thoroughly." Athrun jerked him.

"Sorry. What did you said? " Shinn troubled.

Athrun looked at his face and he could see how tired Shinn was. He could see Shinn's eye bags. Athrun started to feel sorry for Shinn because he knew what Shinn had been through. They called it a post-traumatic-diseases but Athrun called it "hell". He remembered that he used to take lots of medicine because of that. Athrun acted like he knew nothing or feel nothing in front of Shinn even though he still went through that hell sometimes.

"Nothing. Uhm. Why don't you just take a shower while I prepare some food?" Athrun pushed Shinn towards the toilet and passed him his towel.

"Geezzz.." Shinn said nothing and followed Athrun's words.

During shower, Shinn keep on thinking about his past.

"Mayu… Stellar… Father…. Mother… Rey… Chairman Dullindal… Everyone dead already…"

"Why am I still alive? Why am I not died yet?"

"How can someone as sinner as me able to live happily after all I've had done?"

" I hate myself. I couldn't even forgive myself but how can other people forgive me? How someone like Athrun could forgives me? Just how…" Shinn asked himself all these questions.

Suddenly he feels hard to breath. He feels like choking and he didn't know how to breath normally. He started to panic as he can't breathe. Am I dying? No! I don't want to die yet! But isn't it better?

"ATH….RUN… ATHRUN… HELP…. HELP!" he screamed as hard as could.

I... couldn't see anything... Am I dead?

"SHINN!"

"SHINN WAKE UP!"

"SHINN"

He heard someone called him. Someone holding his hand. Athrun?

When he woke up, he saw Athrun looking at him worriedly. Shinn tried to sit up on his bed and Athrun gave me a hand. He feels his head spinning and he touched his bandaged head. Maybe he hit something during his fall at the toilet before.

"Shinn are you okay?! You make me worry to death! What happened actually?!" Athrun couldn't hold his angered. Shinn stayed silence and tried to avoid any eye contact with Athrun.

"LOOK AT ME SHINN! STOP ACTING LIKE A GIRL! SHINN!"

Shinn started to shiver. He shuts his eyes as close as he can.

"What's the point telling you ATHRUN ZALA?! You knew nothing about how I feel!" he said shakingly.

Athrun angrily punched Shinn.

"I knew nothing you said?! I knew too much of everything that you can't even imagine in your mind!" Athrun shouted.

Shinn in shocked of what had happened. His eyes open widely while looking at Athrun. He tried to hold his tears from coming out. He will never cry in front of this man ever.

Suddenly he felt the man sat on his bed and hugged him tightly.

"Shinn… I am so sorry…. I didn't mean to be harsh on you…. Please Shinn…. Tell me everything. Don't keep it inside like this. Please.. I am here for you… I will always stay by your side. Shinn please." Athrun said softly while hugging him firmly. He stroked Shinn's back softly. Shinn didn't know why but he felt so relaxed by Athrun's action. He could feel Athrun's warm breath on his ears.

Shinn pushed Athrun away and broke the hug. "Athrun stop this. Please. I am fine. Let's eat. You already prepared the food right?" Shinn tried to change the topic.

Athrun got up from the bed and starts to pack his things to leave.

"Athrun, what are you doing?" Shinn followed Athrun and tried to stop him.

"I've got to go. You eat by yourself. The food is on the table."

"Where are you going?" Shinn confused. He followed Athrun towards the door. He saw his house was cleaner now. Did Athrun cleaned it?

"Somewhere…"

"I said where?!"

" I need to go to the office. I have some work to do." Athrun said forcefully.

" Today is Sunday. No way you are working." Shinn knew Athrun lied to him. He grabbed Athrun's thing and throw it on sofa.

"What's the point of me staying here? You act like I am nothing right? You don't even trust me anymore. I know I once betrayed you and right now you don't even believe in me?" Athrun knew what he said will stab Shinn's heart but he didn't mind that.

"I trust you! Don't assume anything"

"No!"

"I trust you!"

"No!"

Shinn pushed Athrun against the wall. He hold Athrun tightly to the point that Athrun couldn't move anymore.

"Please Athrun. Stop this. Don't leave me please. Yes it was true that it's hard for me to trust you again but I gained a trust for you so much now. I knew you understand what I've been through. Let me tell you the truth." Shinn looked straight into Athrun's eyes. He hold Athrun's face with his both hand.

" I feel like I want to kill myself but I am afraid of dying. I am afraid of unable to protect others if any war happens again. I want to die but on the same time I want to live. I want to believe in you but I am afraid that you will leave me again. I am afraid of everything. I don't know how to describe how I feel." Shinn said while sobbing. He broke into tears while hugging Athrun.

"I want you to stay by my side. Like this. Please Athrun. I am so sorry for everything that I've done. I don't know how people like you still can forgive me even though I tried to kill you before. Honestly, I am afraid if you don't trust me anymore."

"I already forgive you. I hurt you too before. I didn't tell you about why I betrayed Zaft. I just selfishly tried to run away without thinking of you. We both hurt each other . You are able to accept me after what I've done, so why couldn't I? I promise to stay by your side. Shinn…." Athrun stroked Shinn's hair and hugging him back.

"Promise me?" Shinn asked seriously.

"I promise you so please trust me. Now stop crying... please.." Athrun wiped Shinn's tears. Seeing Shinn cried hurts his heart. Shinn smiled at him .

Suddenly Shinn's stomach growled and his face flushed red. Both of them laughed at that.

"Let's eat. Me too, feels like dying from starving." Athrun laughed. He feels better after telling Athrun what on his mind. He stared at Athrun deeply.

"What? You want me to bribe you? Geezz you really are a spoiled brat." Athrun chuckled.

"NOT THAT!" Shinn hated being teased by Athrun.

"I don't want to lose you for the second time, Athrun Zala" Shinn said inside while moving closer to Athrun. He stroked Athrun's bangs. This time Athrun was the one who's face flushed red.

"I will protect you."