A/N: My first one-shot ever.
Discaimer: I admit fully and onwardly, I DO NOT OWN NARUTO...we all wish...we all wish...
Summary: Itachi kills the entire Uchiha clan. What will he do now? After reading an anonymous flyer on the streets, he's finally decided, he'll join Akatsuki. Easier said than done.
Genre: Humor
Casting: Itachi, Deidara, Kisame, Akatsuki Leader, Orochimaru, Sasori, and last but not least, JIRAIYA!
Newest Akatsuki Member
By Shanghai Honey
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Itachi viewed his stained blood hands with careful and notable consideration. Stranded in a forest at the darkest hour, he sighed distressfully. He had just come back from killing his entire clan. The Uchiha clan. One of the best in Konoha...
Well, not any more.
What was he thinking exactly? He must be mental. Killing his clan in barely one night and leaving his brother to suffer. He seriously needed to be in a mental institute. His actions were indecisive.
There he was, sitting there, remaining in the same spot for serveral minutes, in solitude. Maybe there was the slightest chance of...apologizing?
He visualized himself, standing before the Hokage...apologizing. "Sorry, I slaughtered my clan a few hours ago, forgive me?" It wasn't as simple as that.
Well, he might as well be going. There was no point in staying any longer. The ANBU would soon arrive, searching for him. And he refused to go to 'ninja jail'.
Casting one last, wistful glance near his former home he called, 'Konoha', he walked away.
-
-
Arriving near a new village, so far away from Konoha, he stopped by to taste the wonders of water. While on his way, he came across of a flyer. Itachi's only intention was taking a sip of water and moving on to the next village. Why, you ask?
Because he had no life.
He looked breifly at the flyer. But soon later, he was clearly attentive in what it had to say. The flyer had simple colors, red and black. It was printed with strange designs. Near the top of the flyer, it read:
JOIN AKATSUKI, OR DIE
For a second there, Itachi wasn't so sure he wanted to know more. But instead of being dead inside and moving on to the next town, he kept his reading glasses on.
S-class criminals allowed only.
NO WIMPS!
And if you must, bring a woman over as palymate.
NO WIMPS!
If needed more information,
dial our number,
808-KILL FOR LIFE-666
NO WIMPS!
Itachi thought the flyer was too idiotic to be presented near him, so he attempted to take off. That is, until...
"Hey, Kisame. Do you think people will fall for it?" whispered a blond, womanly man.
"Be quiet, bird brain! What does it matter to you? This prank if full proof. Once somebody stupid dials that number, we'll have a reason to kill him." some guy who looks somewhat like a shark, chuckled.
The blond woman-man seemed like he was about to flip his hair aside out of irritation. But he/she remained still. Although if he/she did proceed with the hair flip, Itachi would've been certain he/she was a girl.
The shark-guy and woman-man finally noticed some kid standing at a very near distance, with a face, hard as stone. "Whats wrong, kid? Do you have to go potty?" asked Kisame, and quite seriously.
Itachi frowned, just slightly. "I want to join the Akatsuki." he stated clearly and firmly. "I know they're a real criminal organization." his eyes narrowed.
Kisame and Deidara surpressed a laugh. A cold, cruel laugh. "Uh, what are you talking about?"
Itachi kept calm and cool. "Everyone knows about it. It isn't as uncommon as you think." he replied cooly.
Kisame and Deidara merely stiffed a snort. "Ok, kid-,"
"My name is Itachi."
"Like we care?" Deidara snorted.
'He will be eating those words someday.' thought Itachi.
"We'll bring you to our hideout, yeah...," Deidara nudged Kisame lightly on the shoulder. "But if the boss decideds you're not good enough to join, we'll kill you. Deal?" Deidara held out his bony, skeleton-like, hand.
Itachi dared not to touch something so disgusting, but took it anyhow. "Whatever." he muttered rudely.
"Well, he certainly has the stiff attitude." said Kisame.
-
-
Their walk lasted for a few hours now, and both Deidara and Kisame couldn't stand the silence. This kid was too...quiet. But they couldn't just ignore him...that would be rude.
"Uh...so, kid-"
"Itachi."
"Riiiight. Itachi. Why are you so desperate to join the Akatsuki, yeah?"
Itachi paused. "Because there was nothing on TV." he rolled his eyes.
Deidara and Kisame tried to ignore his caustic remark and began walking along. "So have you done any evil during the past few days?" was Kisame's excellent and brilliant question.
"I killed my entire clan four days ago. If that's what you mean?" said Itachi.
Kisame and Deidara exchanged impressive looks and kept walking. "Wow." they mouthed out.
"Hey, maybe he is good for the Akatsuki, yeah?" whispered Deidara.
"He could be a liar." replied Kisame.
"He doesn't really look like one...yeah..." Deidara observed Itachi glaring at everything around him constantly.
-
-
"SAY WHAT?" the 'leader' of Akatsuki roared. "Kid, you're too...scrawny to be an Akatsuki." he laughed immensely and coughed continuously.
"Must I always repeated myself? My name is Itachi." replied Itachi, with a voice as calm as ever.
The leader of Akatsuki ignored him like the rest. "Just look at Kisame."
Kisame flashed a smirk and his shirt tore apart, showing off his muscular bod.
"Not bad." the Akatsuki leader did a thumbs up. "And Deidara-"
Deidara smiled intensely.
"Uh, well...he's kind of scrawny too." muttered the leader. "But thats basically because he's part bird." he shrugged.
Deidara's smile demolished. "I'm not part bird!" he took this as an insult. "I just like making them out of clay!" he protested with a furious attitude. "Yeah!"
The leader nodded his head slowly. "Suuuure, Deidara, suuuure."
And right on cue, Orochimaru walked in wearing nothing but underwear. "What's going on!" he rubbed his eyes. "I need my five hour beauty sleep, people!" he waved his long tongue in the air.
"Just five hours?" Deidara and Kisame chuckled.
"ER! Why is everyone so SCRAWNY! Is Kisame the only buffed up idiot here!" the Akatsuki leader threw his hands up into the air.
Itachi ignored everyone's rants and rambles about bodies, completely unaware of what was going on in the first place. Sure he was...skinny. But that can all change in a few years.
"So am I in?" asked Itachi, dryly.
The Akatsuki leader grunted. "You are fairly impressive, kid-"
"Itachi."
"Whatever." rolls eyes. "But you have to be initiated first. You'll have to go through multitudes of complicated tests, with many difficult obstacles. And if you don't pass each with flying colors, then we will have to kill you." he replied casually.
Itachi still wore his poker face. "Because I know too much information and could possibly leak?"
"No, because we do it for fun." Itachi searched for any hint of sarcasm in his voice. He found none...
-
-
Test Number One:
Itachi cautiously took notice in Kisame and Deidara's whispers and chuckles. They were currently thinking of the first test. What was he supposed to do exactly? Thoughts like this raced through his mind constantly.
"OoooOooo, that's a good one." Kisame chuckled.
Deidara snickered behind his hand. "Yeah, yeah. So lets hurry and give him the test." he nodded his head frantically.
"Ok, kid-"
"Itachi."
"Sure." said Kisame. "As for your first test." he flashed Deidara a smirk. "You'll have to...," he kept snickering.
Itachi leaned it. This was pure stupidity, but in order to get into the Akatsuki, he'll have to do whatever these idiots told him.
"Here's a camera. While Sasori is taking a bath, take a picture of his penis." Deidara nearly dropped on the floor, laughing to no end. "In a few minutes, sneak into Akatsuki bathroom, and take the picture before he slaughters you!" said Kisame as he shoved the camera hurridly in Itachi's hand.
"Sasori?" Itachi frowned.
Deidara smirked. "He appears to be young, yeah. But he's actaully super, super old. Who knows how old he actaully is. He could be sixty, or a hundred. He was the one who killed the first Kazekage." said Deidara with much knowledge.
Itachi nodded his head.
"And the only way to determine his age, is by taking a look at his penis." Kisame explained.
"Yeah, no doubt it'll be a shrivled up thing." snickered Deidara.
Itachi sighed.
-
-
"What the heck is this?" Kisame hollered. "I can't see a damn thing!"
Itachi crossed his arms. "He was taking a bubble bath."
"I KNEW IT!" Deidara hissed. "I knew that wussy takes bubble baths. Think he could hide it from me, huh? Think nobody would know about it, huh? Well, guess what, Sasori! I KNOW! YEAH!" Deidara punched a fist in the air.
Kisame backed away. "Deidara, I think it's time for your medication."
"In a few hours, Kisame, in a few hours. Yeah." he responded with a sigh. "You think you know everything about your partner." he muttered to himself.
Itachi gave Kisame a breif look of confusion, and Kisame shrugged.
-
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Test Number Two:
Itachi leaned on a rough barked tree with delicacy. "What's the next test?"
Deidara and Kisame flashed each other scary and irritating grins.
"Test number two." said Kisame. "You see, there is an old, perverted man named Jiraiya. You've probably heard of him. He is known as one of the 'legendary sannin'."
Itachi nodded his head. Who doesn't know such a well acomplished man as Jiraiya-sama.
"He's been watching the Akatsuki and examining our every move for a VERY long time, yeah." said Deidara. "And we want revenge." the look on Deidara's face was dark and frightening. An evil aura surrounded him constantly.
Itachi sighed. Finally something with a little more action and a little less stupidity.
"We want YOU to steal his precious 'Icha Icha Paradise' books from right under his nose!" Kisame laughed evily.
Itachi sighed. This time with disappointment.
"Jiraiya owns a dirty book store somewhere near here. Steal at least TWO dirty novels so Kisame and I could look at them later, yeah." said Deidra.
Itachi frowned. "Fine." he reluctantly removed himself away from the tree and headed towards the dirty book store, owned by the 'famous' Jiraiya.
-
-
Itachi placed his fingers lightly against TWO dirty novels. While Jiraiya was busy taking imaginary picture of pretty girls walking by, he quickly hid TWO dirty novels in his over sized jacket he found laying in the dumpster and attemtped to walk away.
"I hope you're not planning on leaving without paying." the old man smirked slyly, leaning against the counter.
Itachi turned to face Jiraiya with a plain expression. "I was only warming it up." was his excuse. Jiraiya looked closely into his eyes. He was the master in knowing if a person was lying or not. Well, except with this kid. He had no reaction whatsoever!
"Hmm, all right. I believe you." he took the books and scanned them. "That'll be twenty dollars and fifty cents." he replied.
Itachi sighed and forcefully pulled a wallet out of his over sized jacket.
-
-
"This is great! You passed kid!" Kisame and Deidara grabbed TWO dirty novels from out of the brown paper bag that read 'Jiraiya's'.
It took a while for Deidara and Kisame to realize. "Hey, how did you get the brown paper bag?"
Itachi gave no reaction. "I found it laying in the dumpster." he muttered.
Deidara and Kisame shrugged.
"Hey, what's with the receipt, yeah..." Deidara found a white piece of paper almost glued against the book. Itachi inwardly cursed. Guess he didn't get rid of ALL evidence.
"Kid, you do NOT pass!" said Kisame.
It was no use telling these idiots his name was 'Itachi' anymore. So he let it go...for now.
"Go back in there and steal TWO more dirty novels!" ordered Kisame.
-
-
Itachi came stepped into the dirty book store once again. But to his surprise, all though he didn't show it, a bunch of balloons and confetti fell from the ceiling.
"WINNER! WINNER! WE HAVE OUR ONE HUNDREDTH CUSTOMER! CONGRATULATIONS!" Jiraiya spoke into the mike.
Itachi, confused and utterly irritated, merely shoved his hands into his pockets and stood there like a statue.
"You win TWO dirty novels! CONGRATS!" Jiraiya patted him firmly on the back.
-
-
Kisame and Deidara had stars in their eyes.
"How did you manage to get the third and fourth volume of 'Icha Icha Paradise'?" Deidara drooled. "The second volume didn't even come out yet."
Itachi shrugged. "So, do I pass?"
Kisame examined the books carefully. "Wait a minute...," he flipped the books front and back. "YOU WON THESE FOR BEING THE ONE HUNDREDTH CUSTOMER, DIDN'T YOU?" he roared.
Itachi stood there. "What are you, a mind reader?" he snorted.
Deidara pouted. "You did NOT pass the second test!"
Itachi sighed.
-
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Third AND final Test:
Kisame, Deidara, and Itachi somehow managed tosneak into a quiet, well paid restaurant without getting kicked out. They sat near a huge window and smirked.
"All right. This isn't really what you would call, a 'test', but it is somewhat like one." said Kisame.
Deidara smirked. "Yes, in order to join the Akatsuki. You'll have to lose all innocence." he explanation was effortless and breif. Itachi had no idea what he meant by losing all innocence. Itachi was FAR from innocent. He killed his entire clan for gods sake! Wasn't that good enough!
"By all innocence, he means virginity." said Kisame.
Oh...
Itachi, for the first time, was nervous. "I'm only fourteen." he replied.
"Like we care." Deidara rolled his eyes.
Yes, someday Itachi WILL indeed make him eat those words.
"Ok, so here's how the game goes. Three ladies will pass by." explained Kisame. "You have a chance to pick either one. If you pass on all two, then you'll have no choice to lay with the third one, no matter how ugly or repulsive she is." he smirked with pure enjoyment.
Deidara seemed to have the same reaction. "I'll go first!" he volunteered.
A few secondsproceeded and a woman with small breast passed by.
"I'll pass." Deidara wiggled his eyebrows for some odd and un-explainable reason.
Then, a woman with bigger boobs, but notenough booty, passed by.
"Pass." Deidara continued to wiggle his eyebrows.
And then, a woman with HUGE breast, HUGE booty passed by...she was just plain HUGE.
"Uh...I think I'll take the second one." Deidara fidgeted in his seat.
"NO! Unless you want to be labled the 'loser' all of your life!" Kisame nearly snorted with laughter.
"If I sleep with her, then I will be a loser." Deidara gulped.
Kisame and Deidara laughed it out. Itachi still had no idea what was going on.
"All right. It's my turn." said Kisame.
A few seconds passed, and a girl the age of five passed by.
Kisame snorted. "Pass."
A few more seconds passed, and a woman with a billion moles on her face passed by.
"Pass, Pass, Pass." Kisame waved off.
And then, the mother of all mothers walked by. The woman who's lived over a thousand years...GRANNY!
"Did I say pass? I said I'll take her!" Kisame looked after the woman with too many moles.
"Nuh uh! Kisame, do you want to be labled the 'loser' all your life!" Deidara cracked a joke.
Kisame yelled with agony. "What's with all the UGLY woman in this town!" he cursed.
"I guess its my turn?" Itachi replied bluntly.
"Good luck." Kisame and Deidara muttered.
Just then, a fairly cute girl with light brown hair passed by.
"Pass." Itachi mumbled.
Kisame gaped. "You're gonna pass that cutie up? Are you crazy? She could be the cutest girl in this freakin' ugly town." Itachi ignored him. Deidara simply shrugged it off and waited for the next girl to come by.
Then, the hottest chick that ever walked by, JUST WALKED BY!
Kisame and Deidara gaped.
"Pass." said Itachi.
Kisame and Deidara gaped...wider. They were completely bewildered
And just when you thought it couldn't get any hotter, IT JUST DID! The cutest, possibly hottest girl in the world just passed Itachi by.
"I guess I'm stuck with her." Itachi looked fairly disappointed.
Deidara and Kisame's reaction was priceless.
-
-
Itachi stood before the Akatsuki leader and sighed.
And just so you know, he failed the third test. The hottest girl in the world gladly excepted his generous offer, but he turned her down at the last minute. He wanted to do it with someone he really loved and cherished with all his heart.
And at that moment, he knew he was going to die a virgin.
"Well, this is a very sad day for you, kid." the leader told him fully and onwardly.
Itachi simply stood there, emotionless and without a care in the world. "I guess." he replied casually.
"You failed all three tests, which by the way, has never happened before in history." Sure, the Akatsuki leader was being dramatic, but it was true. Itachi was the first to fail all three tests, ALL THREE.
"Hey, where's Orochimaru?" Deidara said out of the blue.
"Oh, he's long gone. I caught him stealing my sandwhich." said the leader.
"Okaaaay."
The leader faced Itachi. "And now, you will have to die." he pulled out a sword.
Itachi sighed. "There goes another Uchiha." he muttered, lowering his head for the big blow.
The Akatsuki leader paused. "You're...an Uchiha?" he lowered his sword.
"Yeah, sure."
"Oh," the leader slid his sword silently into his sheath. "Have you mastered the Sharingan?"
"Yeah, sure."
"And the Mangekyo?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Wow, I am officially impressed."
Deidara whispered something in Kisame's ear. "Leader's Pet." he rolled his eyes.
The leader focused his full attention on the Uchiha. "What was your name again?"
"Itachi."
The Akatsuki leader nodded his head. "I like that. Itachi, a good, strong name." he replied.
"I've been saying my name out loud through out the entire chapter and you didn't seem to care." said Itachi.
"Obviously." the leader rolled his eyes. "But I am now. You are in!"
Kisame and Deidara's mouth dropped open.
"You will be partnered up with Kisame-"
"WHAT!" a loud peircing voice rang through the sensitive ears of others.
The Akatsuki leader seemed pleased with himelf. "Here is the 'Akatsuki schedule'," he handed Itachi a simple and thin piece of paper. "On Mondays, we have our checkers tournament. Wednesday's are cotton candy afternoon. And Fridays are movie nights." he explained thoroughly.
Itachi nodded his head in understanding.
"And inbetween days are a time for killing, murder, slaughter, whatever you want to do. Unless I order you to do something, then you do it." he said.
"Yesterday, I killed a whole village all by myself, yeah!" said Deidara.
"By villlage, do you mean three old men, a puppy, and a woman who was about to die anyway?" Kisame muttered under his breath. He was still crabby about being partnered up with a kid.
"...yeah...," Deidara coughed.
The Akatsuki leader spoke, "Oh, yeah. And next Friday, is your turn to pick out the movie." he turned to Itachi. "Just don't pick anything sappy, like 'A Walk To Remember'." he nearly gagged.
Everyone looked at Kisame.
"What?" he shrugged.
Itachi nodded his head. "So, what do you do here exactly?"
"Are you stupid or something? He just explained them to you. Kill, murder, slaughter, and whatever the boss tells us to do." said Kisame.
Itachi glared at the tall man before him. He'll make him eat those words someday.
"Oh," said Itachi. "I thought this was an insitute for mentally stabled people." he honestly replied.
Everyone was silent. There was a frightening pause.
"That was pretty close...," Deidara shrugged.
"Well, kid. I guess you're stuck with me." Kisame finally got over himelf and patted Itachi firmly on the back. "Whatever you do, remember, I am your boss. You listen to whatever I have to say-"
"Mangekyo!" Itachi yelled out.
Kisame instantly dropped to the ground. Not entirely dead, yet dead in the inside...
And that is how Itachi became a member of the Akatsuki. From that day on, Kisame, Deidara, practically everyone who saw Kisame drop dead (almost)on the floor, had respect for Itachi...and called him by his first name.