Robert ½ by Mikado
Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma ½.maybe I own Robert ½ ( I'm not sure ) either way, please Takahashi-sama and Shogakukan/Viz , don't sue me, I'm poorer than Ryoga!!! ( And not as good a fighter ) :p
The time is early spring 2007, the place, an office in the RBS building in NY city, home of the American TV network RBS. The sign on the door " Saturday morning programming", the mood inside, panic!!
" Men, we have to face it , we are no longer the leader in Saturday morning cartoons; the way we were in our heyday, with shows like Parchie the teen weirdo, and Sloopy-Doo..were being clobbered by BOX network's ANIME schedule!!! And, gentleman, it's time we do something about it!!" A small man in a rumpled suit decides to speak up, he has a look of confidence on his face : " JB, I have JUST what we need..I recently acquired the rights to Ranma ½ , one of Japan's most famous and popular animes , the Viz people had NO intention of bringing it to TV, so we got it for a song!!" The mood in the room is ..silence " Ranma, one HALF??? Why didn't we acquire the WHOLE thing??" The small rumple-suited man's face falls !
The scene switches to a screening room , the same executives are getting ready to watch the pilot Episode , Ranma show #1 "Here's Ranma !" , all are excited at the thought that they can beat BOX at their own game . The small rumpled man speaks to his boss, and colleagues: " JB, gentlemen, I had to make certain cuts as the original show from Japan, featured some nudity and more violence than we can allow on network TV; still, I think you'll enjoy the results!" The room darkens and the show begins :
Show#1 Here's Ranma A young girl is facing off against a large Panda, she seems upset about something. {" Well JB, we had to cut this scene a little, the girl swears and actually throws the panda over her shoulder, the people at the World Wildlife Fund would have had a fit if we left THAT in!!! Not to mention that, she's engaged to another girl!! ( We couldn't have THAT!! )"} The young girl speaks to the large ZOO animal: " Yo Pop! How dare you ask me to live at a total stranger's house? I want to go back home, I can't change schools now.I have an A+ average and I'd like to keep it, sir!!!" {The show goes on, more or less as written, the small man gives further commentary : " As you see JB, we changed the Viz script and soundtrack, also, we made her an A student, to encourage kids to stay in school; in the original, all she thinks of is martial arts!" " Good idea Perkins, can't have the PTA after us!" Beaming with self-confidence, Perkins continues, " Now, as it turns out JB, the girl is really a boy, he's got some kind of Chinese curse that turns him female or something, I didn't pay much attention either way 'cause, we decided to make the 2 Ranmas brother and sister! .Now in the next scene, Ranma meets his future fiancée and they have a little karate match. Fortunately, there's no actual hitting, so we were able to use the scene as it was written, more or less..unfortunately, the next scene was a problem." ( The small man sheds a large sweat drop )} Kasumi walks up to the sweaty young girl, "Wouldn't you like to take a bath?" " Oh no." says the small red-haired girl, " My brother is already in there." " Oh my, perhaps later then." Meanwhile , Nabiki tells Akane " Akane , your bath is ready!" Akane: " Oh all right, I'll go see if the water's warm enough, and add some bubble bath!" { Cut to a scene where Akane is at the bathroom door.she goes in and comes right out screaming: } "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA" " Akane-chan, whats the matter?" asks Kasumi , Akane, quite upset, answers: " There's a FULLY DRESSED boy in the bathroom!!!.He LOOKED at me in my housecoat~~!!!!!" " Oh my!" Meanwhile, a young boy appears in the room " Who are you?" " I'm Ranma Saotome, sorry about this." Akane hits him with a table! { " Now JB, this scene is followed by Akane learning Ranma's secret, only, we decided he'd tell her that he and the redheaded girl, are twins; after all, we cant show him under a magic spell, might be encouraging kids to get into the occult !" "Good thinking Perkins, give yourself a raise!" " JB, the next scene REALLY had to be cut; in the original, Ranma walks in on Akane as a naked girl, and she slaps him.we had to chop out the whole scene ." } The final scene shows Ranma on the back porch, a welt on his face {"That's where the table hit him, JB!"} " So she's a little spunky, that makes her even more cute." " No way, she's NOT cute"
Later that night, they preview clips of other shows in the series, and at 1am, they sum things up: " Well gentlemen, what do you think?", JB speaks his mind: " It's fine Perkins but, we have to make MORE changes if we want this to fly!" "More changes, sir?" " Well, to start with, who can pronounce names like Ranma and Akane?? From now on, they're Robert and Alanis, furthermore, didn't you learn ANYTHING from CARDCAPTORS?.We can't show teens who are engaged, or heaven forbid, in LOVE.It could lead to teens kissing or even doing..the nasty thing..." A timid fellow at the back speaks his mind: "Well JB, aren't they doing that already?" JB has a scowl on his face. "Ludlow, you're FIRED!" "Anyway, There's also this character Ryoga, who's NOT acceptable, he swears, skips school, and he's constantly vowing revenge, he's totally wrong for our family image." A secretary taking notes: "Ryoga, CUT!", "On the other hand, this P-chan character is worth keeping.only we call him.umm...Snorty, after my daughter's piggy bank! " The men in the boardroom all clap. Perkins stands up with an objection: " But sir, if we cut out Ryoga, we have to dump the martial arts gymnastics competiton, he plays a big part in that." " Oh, that's true, if we dump THAT ep. , the fitness for youth people will crucify us!!..Wait!, I have it Perkins, we have him come in for the episode as "Reg Yoga", Gynastics teacher!!!" (Clapping all around ) "All right sir, well, how do we make at least 80 shows out of this with all the eps we'll have to chop to pieces???" " Again Perkins, we simply look at what DIC did to Sailor Moon, we splice 3-4 eps to make one.no one will be able to tell the difference, since they wear the same clothes day after day anyhow~!!!" More clapping, the men retire for the night, Sure that they've just created the hit they SO desperately need. Sept.13th 2007, Robert ½ debuts on RBS TV, only to be cancelled 13 weeks later at episode 34-38( or # 13 in this case ) A downcast Perkins , now unemployed, thinks back to that night 6 months before and wonders...."What went wrong?"
THE END
Author's note, I was reading an article on Nelvana's* massacring of CardCaptor Sakura and wondered what might happen if anyone tried to bring Ranma ½ to North American TV, the sad result you've just read ! * Nelvana is a Canadian company.I'm SO ashamed :s Mikado @_@
Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma ½.maybe I own Robert ½ ( I'm not sure ) either way, please Takahashi-sama and Shogakukan/Viz , don't sue me, I'm poorer than Ryoga!!! ( And not as good a fighter ) :p
The time is early spring 2007, the place, an office in the RBS building in NY city, home of the American TV network RBS. The sign on the door " Saturday morning programming", the mood inside, panic!!
" Men, we have to face it , we are no longer the leader in Saturday morning cartoons; the way we were in our heyday, with shows like Parchie the teen weirdo, and Sloopy-Doo..were being clobbered by BOX network's ANIME schedule!!! And, gentleman, it's time we do something about it!!" A small man in a rumpled suit decides to speak up, he has a look of confidence on his face : " JB, I have JUST what we need..I recently acquired the rights to Ranma ½ , one of Japan's most famous and popular animes , the Viz people had NO intention of bringing it to TV, so we got it for a song!!" The mood in the room is ..silence " Ranma, one HALF??? Why didn't we acquire the WHOLE thing??" The small rumple-suited man's face falls !
The scene switches to a screening room , the same executives are getting ready to watch the pilot Episode , Ranma show #1 "Here's Ranma !" , all are excited at the thought that they can beat BOX at their own game . The small rumpled man speaks to his boss, and colleagues: " JB, gentlemen, I had to make certain cuts as the original show from Japan, featured some nudity and more violence than we can allow on network TV; still, I think you'll enjoy the results!" The room darkens and the show begins :
Show#1 Here's Ranma A young girl is facing off against a large Panda, she seems upset about something. {" Well JB, we had to cut this scene a little, the girl swears and actually throws the panda over her shoulder, the people at the World Wildlife Fund would have had a fit if we left THAT in!!! Not to mention that, she's engaged to another girl!! ( We couldn't have THAT!! )"} The young girl speaks to the large ZOO animal: " Yo Pop! How dare you ask me to live at a total stranger's house? I want to go back home, I can't change schools now.I have an A+ average and I'd like to keep it, sir!!!" {The show goes on, more or less as written, the small man gives further commentary : " As you see JB, we changed the Viz script and soundtrack, also, we made her an A student, to encourage kids to stay in school; in the original, all she thinks of is martial arts!" " Good idea Perkins, can't have the PTA after us!" Beaming with self-confidence, Perkins continues, " Now, as it turns out JB, the girl is really a boy, he's got some kind of Chinese curse that turns him female or something, I didn't pay much attention either way 'cause, we decided to make the 2 Ranmas brother and sister! .Now in the next scene, Ranma meets his future fiancée and they have a little karate match. Fortunately, there's no actual hitting, so we were able to use the scene as it was written, more or less..unfortunately, the next scene was a problem." ( The small man sheds a large sweat drop )} Kasumi walks up to the sweaty young girl, "Wouldn't you like to take a bath?" " Oh no." says the small red-haired girl, " My brother is already in there." " Oh my, perhaps later then." Meanwhile , Nabiki tells Akane " Akane , your bath is ready!" Akane: " Oh all right, I'll go see if the water's warm enough, and add some bubble bath!" { Cut to a scene where Akane is at the bathroom door.she goes in and comes right out screaming: } "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA" " Akane-chan, whats the matter?" asks Kasumi , Akane, quite upset, answers: " There's a FULLY DRESSED boy in the bathroom!!!.He LOOKED at me in my housecoat~~!!!!!" " Oh my!" Meanwhile, a young boy appears in the room " Who are you?" " I'm Ranma Saotome, sorry about this." Akane hits him with a table! { " Now JB, this scene is followed by Akane learning Ranma's secret, only, we decided he'd tell her that he and the redheaded girl, are twins; after all, we cant show him under a magic spell, might be encouraging kids to get into the occult !" "Good thinking Perkins, give yourself a raise!" " JB, the next scene REALLY had to be cut; in the original, Ranma walks in on Akane as a naked girl, and she slaps him.we had to chop out the whole scene ." } The final scene shows Ranma on the back porch, a welt on his face {"That's where the table hit him, JB!"} " So she's a little spunky, that makes her even more cute." " No way, she's NOT cute"
Later that night, they preview clips of other shows in the series, and at 1am, they sum things up: " Well gentlemen, what do you think?", JB speaks his mind: " It's fine Perkins but, we have to make MORE changes if we want this to fly!" "More changes, sir?" " Well, to start with, who can pronounce names like Ranma and Akane?? From now on, they're Robert and Alanis, furthermore, didn't you learn ANYTHING from CARDCAPTORS?.We can't show teens who are engaged, or heaven forbid, in LOVE.It could lead to teens kissing or even doing..the nasty thing..." A timid fellow at the back speaks his mind: "Well JB, aren't they doing that already?" JB has a scowl on his face. "Ludlow, you're FIRED!" "Anyway, There's also this character Ryoga, who's NOT acceptable, he swears, skips school, and he's constantly vowing revenge, he's totally wrong for our family image." A secretary taking notes: "Ryoga, CUT!", "On the other hand, this P-chan character is worth keeping.only we call him.umm...Snorty, after my daughter's piggy bank! " The men in the boardroom all clap. Perkins stands up with an objection: " But sir, if we cut out Ryoga, we have to dump the martial arts gymnastics competiton, he plays a big part in that." " Oh, that's true, if we dump THAT ep. , the fitness for youth people will crucify us!!..Wait!, I have it Perkins, we have him come in for the episode as "Reg Yoga", Gynastics teacher!!!" (Clapping all around ) "All right sir, well, how do we make at least 80 shows out of this with all the eps we'll have to chop to pieces???" " Again Perkins, we simply look at what DIC did to Sailor Moon, we splice 3-4 eps to make one.no one will be able to tell the difference, since they wear the same clothes day after day anyhow~!!!" More clapping, the men retire for the night, Sure that they've just created the hit they SO desperately need. Sept.13th 2007, Robert ½ debuts on RBS TV, only to be cancelled 13 weeks later at episode 34-38( or # 13 in this case ) A downcast Perkins , now unemployed, thinks back to that night 6 months before and wonders...."What went wrong?"
THE END
Author's note, I was reading an article on Nelvana's* massacring of CardCaptor Sakura and wondered what might happen if anyone tried to bring Ranma ½ to North American TV, the sad result you've just read ! * Nelvana is a Canadian company.I'm SO ashamed :s Mikado @_@