Love Is Death
Although you're not here with me, my heart still lingers onto your touch.
-When we first met I thought it was a dream
Perfect together, never separate-
Exhausted, unable to move, unable to identify anything in the surroundings, I sat there, with my feet and hands numb. That phrase kept repeating, over and over inside my head, Why, Seungri, why?
The shattered wine bottles lay on top of each other, each drained of the liquor that was in there hours ago. A picture of the person that shattered my soul lay in the center of the mahogany table, its corner ripped.
The room was a mess, and Jiyong knew it, but didn't bother with it. He was usually a mess hater, always tidy and clean or maybe even a little paranoid about dirt. This time it was different, he was gone, and he had left him.
-5 hour ago-
"Goddamn, Seungri, stop walking so fast, what are you, trying to win the marathon?" I gasped, desperately tried to keep up with him. "Oh come on Hyung, I don't want to miss out on the contest." And he made the cutest pout in which got my heart racing at one thousand km per minute.
I grabbed his arm and pulled him into a light kiss, his reaction turning from shocked to embarrassment, as he realized we were out in park and many eyes tracked over to our way. A tint of pink spread around his cheeks after I hesitantly let go of him.
"H…Hyung… What was that for? We're out in the streets you know…" I gave him a shrug, with a bright smile plastered across my face as I said, "nothing special?" he just frowned at me and kept on walking, this time a bit farther away from me. So he's gotten more cautious?
Without even a warning, a pole slammed down in front of me, separating me from Seungri. The sounds of the blaring train and Seungri's "Hyung…?"were the last things I heard before charging over the pole. But then I got stopped; there were four firm hands that grabbed me, preventing me from going over to Seungri.
There was blood. Lots of it, a siren was going off in my head and I fell to the ground. I punched the ground so hard that my knuckles were drained of the blood circulating in it. I grabbed the hard, concrete material below me and screamed into the sky, the sound resonating through the city.
-4 hours ago-
The place where I last saw him was marked with a flimsy white chalk that easily got covered by the overflowing red liquid pouring all over the area. The sour metallic smell filled the air, as I was dragged away from him. They wouldn't even let me have one last look at him before they covered him up with white sheets, one overlaying the other.
I threw a fit, I screamed, I fought, but none worked as my band members that rushed to the scene ushered me away. I sat in the gray leather seat, staring blankly into my own reflection from the rearview mirrors. I couldn't make out what Daesung was getting angry and furious about, the nagging that taeyang was giving out, or Top's speech. All I had inside my head right now were his last words, "Hyung…?"
Blood rushed to my head as I regretted letting him get even one inch away from me, it was my entire fault that he's now… gone.
-3 hours ago-
I ripped it all, all the pictures of him, the very memories that make my mind ache and bulge at the thought. They tried stopping me but it was no use, when I make up my mind, I go with the flow. I left only one picture. The picture of him and me on our first date, it was in that same park. It was the park that he ended his life in, the park that my heart shattered in, and the park that we had our first kiss in.
The bright sunrays shone through the cracks of the little barn house, this was our secret spot, our hideout. It was in here that we chatted about many things, from pancakes to rapping. I felt the tears trickle down my blood tainted cheek as my dull eyes stared into nothingness.
It wasn't fair.
It wasn't fair at all. Why didn't I leave instead? Why was it that he had to leave me like that? I'm in so much pain… so much agony.
-2 hours ago-
I drank and drank, not stopping even one second. The smell of liquor filled the whole room, with that picture lying there, taunting me with an evil smile. The tears did not stop flowing; it was until I was drained of all the water left in my body, that I stopped crying, dry tears sticking on my face.
-Now-
A knife, held in both hands, rest on my lap, the glistening silver making a mesmerizing light flash on my face. I wanted to—I really wanted to strike that knife right through my ribcage, so that I could join my loved one high in the heavens.
But I couldn't.
Doing that would lift a huge weight off my shoulders, but will be hurtful for my friends. They were there when I needed them; I can't just die and leave behind everything I have now—fame, money, but most importantly… a family.
I love you
But you left me
What can I do?
Cry and cry
The tears blurring up my vision
Only if this were all a dream-
"You can't just be like that forever, Jiyong. You've been in here for at least three days straight already. There are concerts we need to take care of, interviews to attend. You can't just be cooped up in this place, staring at that picture all night long." But I just lied there, staring back at Choi Seung Hyun, not moving a muscle as the concerned expression on him turned into anger.
"Taeyang also loved him, not only as a brother. Think about how he feels right now! You can't be so selfish, think about others! You need to move on." The last five words strikes me right where it hurt… like thorns stabbing into my heart. I knew what I had to do—I knew that I was being a bastard.
I wiped the excess tears off my face, and trailed Seung Hyun; he led me to the shower room.
I decided
I had to move on
I had to leave the memories behind
If it were you, you probably would've wanted the same
I will… be happy.
The last memory, the very last picture of him followed the wind and soared into the skies. A shed of rain fell on it, before a downpour enveloped the picture, plastering it to the ground, a memory never forgotten.
When we first met I thought it was a dream,
Perfect together; never separate
And the world flipped over, so it would seem…
In this world, there was no such thing as hate
The two of us walk along on the street,
Suddenly, you are falling with a cry
And I know you are where life and death meet
It simply would do none but harm to lie.
You lie there still as a stone, not asleep
I never will let my tears overwhelm,
Promise to you I will not watch and weep.
For you, roaming free in a deathly realm
You leave my heart stretching in endless blue,
It is my duty to find and join you
-End-