Tired of fighting

Chapter 1: Can't stay away

Syed looked around his apartment, his apartment even after four months it was strange to think of it that way. It wasn't that he had never had a space to himself before, he had lived in a house share in uni with his own room, he had even had a small flat in London and one in Leeds but they had never felt like this. He had never tried to impose any sort of personal mark on them until now. Those flats had felt temporary and blank, the only places that had been homes had been with his family and of course with Christian.

He sighed thinking of him then shook his head he had to get over this. They were friends now, just friends, they had never worked as a couple, too different, too much drama, too much conflict. It was easier to be friends and starting next Monday colleagues. He sighed again this was not going to be fun, but the money was good the hours reasonable and he didn't have the heart to turn away Christian's olive branch. Sometimes he felt as if fate had bound them up too close together they couldn't get away from each other, they tried, how both of them had tried, but they always ended up back together, inevitable. Thinking of Christian always made him feel alone he thought about ringing Tambo but it was getting late he would be eating dinner with his beautiful young bride, stuffing their faces after a long day of abstinence, talking in that coupley way that they did that made him feel even more alone, a thought of sheer horror went through him as he thought that he might soon be uncle Syed.

Shaking the bad thought away Syed walked to the fridge and gazed at the meals waiting for him, that was something he had really gotten the hang of, the first few meals he had made would have fed an army now he froze and refrigerated the excess, a nice stable routine so he only really cooked on a Friday. He grimaced at how incredibly lame that sounded, 'so Mr Masood you're a nice single young man living on your own what are you up to this Friday night? Why I'm staying in and cooking for the coming week'. Suddenly he wasn't very hungry. He slammed the fridge shut and hung his head. A knock went out through his flat and made him jump for one disorientating moment he had thought that the fridge was banging back. Laughing nervously he went to the door and opened it wide wondering mildly who it could be, a tiny slithering of hope wanting to think that it might be his parents, a boy can dream.

"Christian?" He whispered the man's name back to him as he stood in the doorway a small plastic bag hanging from his left hand. He patted nervously at his hair trying to sort it out and failing. And of course he was in a beaten up old jumper and baggy jeans, there should be some innate instinct for when an ex was coming into company so that one could not look like death warmed over. He told his eyes not to dip to Christian's arms, half on display from his tight T-shirt, or his eyes, he met them for a second and felt his heart rise to his throat, yes defiantly must remember to avoid the eyes. He blinked a couple of times before composing himself enough to smile welcomingly. "Good evening. Would you like to come in?"

His stomach pleaded that he say no; already he could smell him and it was making his head dizzy.

"Sure".

He took a dramatic step back to allow him in without the slightest chance of their bodies touching.

Christian noticed how Syed moved back, not wanting to touch him and felt a stab of regret. It didn't work he told himself, he tired to think of all the reasons why he had ended it, the constant trials with his parents, Syed's inability to accept his friends, the way he alienated him with his religion, but looking at him now he wondered what reason any sane man could have of letting this creature out of their arms for a second. Syed was gorgeous, effortlessly and completely unawares, it made him even more stunning. He knew Syed had no idea the way the old jumper clung to him in all the right places, the frayed neck line exposing a hint of collar bone, a hole in the low armpit showing a flash of golden skin on his ribs when he moved, it was fucking intoxicating. Catching himself thinking some very very unprofessional thoughts Christian called himself into check and walked into Syed's flat.

Now there was a strange thought, Syed's flat, Syed was not supposed to have a flat. It was the first time he had ever been in there and he fought for something to say. It certainly was different. He realised with a stab just how little he had let Syed change in his own flat, had he ever had a choice in décor? Certainly at home he had no say or with Amira and no, even he had not let him choose a single thing despite his insistence that it was 'their' flat. It was a strange mix, half bachelor, half old spinster with a dash of kitsch thrown in for good measure. Chrome and leather battled with lace and flowers in the lounge and dinging room, from what he could see the little gally kitchen was plain, eighties white appliances efficient with just a little clutter but the kettle was in the shape of a dog and the toaster had picture of Darth Vader on it.

"The place is nice." He commented lamely trying to avoid Syed's big serious eyes.

"Umm…thanks." He whispered back, Christian had almost forgotten how soft Syed's voice was; a little murmur, he always suspected came from being the good son in a loud family. Whereas Tamwar was sarcastic Syed whispered, he wondered what Shabnam did. "Would you like a cup of tea? Coffee? Orange juice?"

"A coffee would be nice, one sug…"

"I know how you take your coffee." He cut though defensively and turned his back on him to walk into the kitchen and Christian shut his eyes in frustrated regret, of course Syed knew how he took his coffee. "Have a seat I'll bring it in to you." Christian sat on the sofa and stared listlessly around, there were two doors to the left one of them was shut but the other was slightly ajar, he could just make out the corner of the bed, so that was the bedroom, the room where Syed…he cut himself off; it would do no good thinking like that. After a little while Syed padded back into the room and sat on the sofa a respectable distance away passing Christian a cup he smiled as he read what it said. 'I love bums'. Syed caught him and smiled shyly. "Tanya's idea of a joke." They smirked at each other. "They're the only ones I've got." He explained in a small voice looking away.

"Well I bet Tamwar loves drinking out of it?" Christian tried to return the mood to the previously upbeat atmosphere. Syed let out a little peel of giggles and Christian felt his stomach tighten at how good it felt to hear that noise again.

"He goes red at the sight of them. Afia said last time that he's going to start bringing his own, but she finds it funny."

"How are the two of them?" Christian wasn't expecting the hard look that Syed gave him.

"Fine, trying for a kid." His voice was dead. Christian busied himself with his cup taking a big gulp. "So is this just a social call?"

"I thought you might want your new uniform." Syed's eyebrows went up slightly. "I got you a medium." He passed Syed a bag and watched as he curiously unveiled the dark navy T-shirt with the words CLARKE'S in white on the front.

"Well…at least it isn't 'absacadabra'." He muttered and stood up and headed for the bedroom presumably to try it on. Christian nearly laughed, he wanted to make the observation that he had licked Syed own cum off his chest he could see him without a top on surely. Syed came back wearing the T-shirt and Christian swallowed. He wondered which would have been better having his ex lover wearing a T-shirt with his name on or wearing the outfit he had bought him. At least this way he would match everyone else he reminded himself trying to tell his body that it was not acceptable to like the way it almost branded Syed as his. "Well I'd say it fits." He shrugged there was silence again.

"So I should probably go."

"Wait!" Syed was almost desperate in his call and Christian froze willingly conforming to whatever was asked of him. "You don't have to go. I'm being silly, you said we should be friends and well…we should be. Would you like to stay for dinner?" Taken back by the gesture Christian could only nod his head Syed smiled at him one of his beautiful beaming grins. "Let's see what we've got." He gestured for Christian to follow him into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and bent over giving Christian a terrific view of his tight little ass. While it had never been a purely sexual relationship Christian could never deny that that was part of it, his Syed was quite a looker. Except he wasn't his anymore. "So we have…lasagne, paella, chicken Alexander or a pasta bake?" He turned his head for Christians answer and narrowly missed him looking.

"Umm…lasagne sounds good."

"You know babe you can back out now if you want." Tanya put her hand on Syed's shoulder. "I mean this can't be easy for you." She had seen more than anyone what had happened to Syed when they broke up.

"No it's ok. It's good in fact." He replied trying to sound more confident than he was. Tanya gave him a sceptical look. "Seriously. In fact…" He looked away guilty. "We had dinner together last night."

"What! And you didn't think to tell me. Syed this is the kind of thing that you ring me up immediately afterwards. Come on boy I'm making the effort to be a good fag hag here, you have to meet me half way."

"It wasn't anything." Syed tensed inside he'd said that about him and Christian before, but he'd been lying then. "He dropped off my uniform and then we have lasagne, we chatted for a bit about work, TV, idle gossip. It was kinda like the old days at Masala Queen before he knew…" Syed trailed off the thought, it had been nothing like that but the lie helped, a little sugar to help the medicine go down, it would do no good to say out loud that what it had reminded him of was when they both started to take their little fling seriously when he was taking care of Christian after he was attacked. "This is going to be fine. Well, wish me good luck."

"Luck." She hit him lightly on the arm he went to head towards the door then stopped in his tracks and turned back nervously.

"This might be a really weird question…but do I look ok?" he opened his arms for inspection. She gratefully ran her eyes down his form and then grinned at him.

"Gorgeous babe, makes me sick to my stomach that you're a fairy." She giggled and slammed him hard on the back. "I'll pick you up for lunch?"

"I'll give you a text." He promised and walked in the gym. His first thought was how 'Christian' it was, straight simple lines, elegant minimalism with just the right about of embellishments, clean neat and everything geared towards health. Syed felt a little intimidated as he walked in and he tried his best to avoid the eyes of the other employees who were giving him curious looks. He felt like it was his first day at school again and nearly considered making a dash for it when Christian appeared from behind some gym equipment.

"Syed, all ready for your first day? Let me show you to your room." Syed's stomach crumbled he looked incredible, his tight T-shirt hugging at the defined contours of his arms, his face bright and cheerful, completely carefree. Syed could only grin and tug nervously at the bottom of his T-shirt wishing not for the first time that he wasn't such a weed. Surrounded by all these fitness freaks he felt like a scrawny teenager again just about to be picked last in P.E. His head down he followed Christian to a small room to the left of the reception when he lifted his head up he gave a little gasp. The room was perfect, it had a huge skylight letting in streams of morning sunlight down onto the expensive looking massage table, there were empty shelves to the left of it with his boxes underneath for him to unpack and piles of soft white towels stacked up nearby. He turned to Christian and tried to keep at least some of the joy from his eyes.

"Christian it's brilliant. Certainly better than Tanya's front room." He smirked and was glad to see Christian grin in response.

"You sure you want to unpack everything yourself? I could ask one of the others to help…oh shoot I should have introduced you round…"

"It's fine Christian." He smiled reassuringly, glad to see that Christian was as nervous about him working there as he was himself. "My first customer isn't till eleven, they're one of my customers from Roxy's, they know me I know them and if I unpack myself I know where everything is. And as for meeting the others…well that can wait till after lunch. I'll be fine." Syed saw Christian reach for him with one large hand and tried to make his jerk out of the way look like a natural movement. He may be ok with working with Christian but he couldn't handle it if he ruffled his hair or touched his cheek, he would crumble completely. He somewhat successfully turned the movement into a fumble for his ipod which he waved rather manically in the air. "You don't mind if I play a little music while I organise?" He asked.

"Of course not. Well I should get going, I'll come check on you in a bit."

"Ok." Syed shoved his headphones in and studied his artist list just so he didn't have to watch Christian leave, correction to watch Christian leave again. He had been so wrong, this was not going to be fine at all.

Christian shut the door quietly and tried to force his face to show only pleasantness. He had seen how Syed had flinched away from his touch and it had hurt. He realised he shouldn't have done it but was a habit he found hard to break and sometimes his hands just moved as if they had their own mind. And now they seemed to be itching just to touch that beautiful young man in the room he had just left. He sighed to himself thinking what an outrageously bad idea this was. Cassie grabbed at his arm making him jump momentarily she smiled sheepishly as way of apology, next to her Lee tried to hold back a giggle watching his boss jump like a little girl.

"Who is that?" Cassie asked her eyes serious yet sprinkled with mischief. She was the receptionist and had been Christian's PA after Syed, Christian liked her, she was fun to be around but got on with the job often reminding some of the younger members that they were there to work not gossip around the water cooler all day.

"The new masseur." Christian replied darkly. Lee's eyes lit up with interest.

"Really? Well…" He rubbed his neck theatrically. "I have been getting this nasty twinge in my…"

"Don't even think about it." Christian warned. "I don't want any inter office romances ruining what we've got here." He made his excuse trying to ignore the way that Cassie's brow furrowed in suspicion. "Now don't you have work to do?"

"Yes, sir." He gave a little salute and mopped off. Cassie however stayed staring at him.

"You wanna explain that little outburst?" Christian looked at his feet. "I'm here all day so unless you wanna give me a day off you had better spill."

"Well I guess you're going to find out when he introduces himself anyway. But no one else knows so not a peep." She crossed her heart with one finger. "That's Syed." Her eyes went huge.

"Syed! As in love of your life Syed? As in the man you had no choice but to give up even though you still loved him Syed? Are you nuts Christian?"

"Look I've had all this from Rox so don't even bother."

"Well Roxy is right." She stopped and gave a little shudder. "Can't believe those words came out of my mouth." She muttered to herself, despite everything Christian couldn't help but laugh at her reaction to his best friend, many times they had almost come to blows when Roxy was trying to get Christian to bunk off work to play with her. Syed never had a problem with it, all he had to do was bat his eyelashes and Christian snapped to heel he forced that image away, it was too late for all that now. Luckily the phone began to ring and immediately caught her attention she never broke eye contact with Christian though as she walked towards it. "Not over Christian, not by a long shot." She warned and Christian used the time to escape only to run into…

"Tanya!" He smiled falsely and kissed her on the cheek. "You here to work out?" He asked knowing full well that she was most likely here for Syed.

"Actually I'm here to see Syed he left his phone with me by accident." Christian smiled a little smugly for guessing right.

"Follow me I'll take you to his room." He could have just taken it from her but he was in no hurry to be in the same room alone with Syed. He pushed open the door and couldn't help but smile gently at the sight that greeted them. Syed was pulling lotions and creams from the boxes and putting them up on the shelves dancing away to whatever was playing on his ipod pausing, Christian could just about here the muttered whispering of him singing along.

"All these things that burn me you never can tell." He swung his head with each word. Beside him Tanya collapsed into giggles, picked up an empty cardboard box and flung it at Syed's back who jumped in the air with shock and then turned bright red at being caught. Christian had always liked Syed's look of embarrassment, it had usually meant he'd done something particularly bad and Syed would be pretending to be angry but really he was…again Christian brought himself back into the situation, they were employee and employer now it wouldn't do well to remember how far down that blush really went. Syed yanked the ear phones out and the faint buzz of the song hung in the air like a babbling excuse. Syed opened his mouth to say something but was clearly too embarrassed to do so. Luckily Tanya saved him.

"You forgot your phone ,babe." She threw it at him and he caught it clumsily and muttered his thanks. "You still on for lunch?" He nodded his head not looking at either of them.

"What? Isn't that a bit cruel?" Christian asked. Tanya just looked at him confused. "It's Ramadan he can't eat during the day." That was why he had showed up so late the other night for fear of interrupting some personal moment of Syed's confusing and complex religious practices.

"Actually," Syed's soft tones finally came out and he stared down Christian defiantly. "I'm not observing this year." It took Christian a moment to think why Syed would be looking at him so coldly and then he remembered he had forgotten Ramadan every other year they had known each other and he choose to remember it now they were parted, he coughed and gave a humble nod to Syed and left.

Syed sprawled on his sofa trying to ignore the bubble of tension sitting in his chest. Really he had no reason to be feeling this tense. Work was going well for a first day, the people seemed friendly, he hardly ever had to see Christian, unlike at Roxy's here the customers actually showed up and he was surprised at how little guilt he felt ignoring Ramadan.

"What's wrong with me?" he asked aloud to his flat. The restless nagging feeling persisted throughout his body, suddenly it throbbed down to a very obvious part of his anatomy, his eyes widened in realisation, it was base human contact that he was craving, he laughed quietly at his own analysis. "That's a very nice way of saying you're horny, Syed." He mocked himself. He rolled over to his back and stared morosely at the ceiling, it had been four months since he had even had an erotic thought, he shut his eyes and fell back on the easiest release of tension there was. He opened his trousers slowly trying to build some tension to try and distract his mind from the pathetic fact that he was alone in his flat on his sofa about to have a wank. He shook his head and tried desperately to concentrate. He imagined he was being kissed, strong hands pressing through his hair forcing the angle of his head to deepen the kiss. He smirked to himself with satisfaction as his body started to respond. He made the imaginary figure kiss lower sliding a muscular body down his form, tearing off his clothes and slowly taking claim to the skin underneath. Then he imagined a hand sliding in-between the fabric of his boxers and his skin running tantalisingly slowly down his length before gripping it firmly, moving their head back up to his whilst increasing the rhyme sucking at the sensitized skin of his neck then stopping to find his ear and whisper softly.

"Fuck you're beautiful, Sy."

"Christian." He murmured back aloud and instantly his arousal vanished like he'd be doused by cold water. Annoyed with himself he sat up resting his head in his hands. He supposed it was inevitable really, after all since June of 2009 Christian had been responsible for every single one of Syed's orgasms in one way or another. Sex meant Christian and if he was forced to rely on nothing but his own imagination of course it was going to come back to that time and time again. That dull aching tension was still all around him, he sighed and tried to think back to what he used to do before Christian. Go to some anonymous club and let some stranger touch him. It wasn't a partially brilliant or inventive idea but it seemed like his only option at the moment. He fastening his jeans and took a moment to sort his hair out and throw on a tight black T-shirt. He looked at his terrified face in the mirror and frowned, this was different he told himself, he wasn't some closet case out for a disgraceful release of built up tension, he was out and if not proud then certainly less ashamed, there was nothing wrong with what he was about to do, nothing! He was just a single gay man going out to club and if he met someone that was great and if not then he could just come home, he took a deep breath and flung himself away from the sink and out the door before he could change his mind.

I hope that wasn't too bad. As you may have guessed from him not observing Ramadan in this story Syed will have a bit of a rejection of his faith, mainly because I always thought it would be interesting to see. So in the next chapter would people actually want to see Syed be a bit of a party boy or just have it hinted at? Also the song that Sy was listening to was Whirring by The Joy Formidable. I always wondered what music he would even like as I am pretty sure any music playing in their flat was Christian's.