Today is One of THOSE Days
AN: WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! This story is about a topic that some of you may not want to read about. That is really okay, I understand. The only thing that I ask is that you show no hate. This topic is something that is very important to me. If you choose to read this, please do so with an open mind. Thank you very much to Allie, Erica and Sara for helping me with this.
Disclaimer: I do not own glee or any of the original characters. I do however own this storyline. I have never this story told this way. I hope that you enjoy.
Today is one of those days…it's not even eight AM and she sits and watches the bustling streets of New York City from her penthouse's window seat.
She can't recall anything that could have triggered it. There hasn't been a song that reminds her of time that has passed; last night's performance had been flawless. She hasn't skipped any doses of her medication. Today is just one of those days.
She sips her hot tea with lemon as she contemplates calling her doctor, or will this day pass just like the others. She is jarred from her thoughts by her ringing cell phone. She knows from the tone that it's her childhood best friend. She doesn't feel like speaking to anyone but she realizes just as the final tone plays that she should have answered the call. She will be on her way over now; out of fear that today is like that one many years ago.
With expectations of Santana's visit, Rachel tightens the belt around her robe as she heads toward her kitchen to prepare herself some breakfast of berries and to take her medication before she arrives. Just as she rinses her tea cup, she hears the key being inserted into the lock of her door.
The very door that holds her as a prisoner inside her own home out of fear of bursting into flames if she is to touch it. The door that protects her from the outside world, she can depend on her sturdy door; just like her best friend who is currently locking the real world out, on one of those days. A day just like today.
No words need to be exchanged. Santana can tell just by the way that Rachel is carrying herself. They embrace tightly before Santana pulls away, smiles and walks to hang her coat on the coat rack beside the sturdy door. Santana sits down on Rachel's plush leather sofa and just waits. She knows that Rachel will tell her what she wants to share. Normally not a patient person, Santana would wait all day to hear Rachel's voice.
Santana waits patiently as she watches Rachel pace between the large floors to ceiling windows to the facing wall. Back and forth she walks, not saying anything, no tears are shed. Santana knows that Rachel is thinking about how to explain how she feels. She has spent so many years hiding this from everyone. No one would understand. She looks and acts just like any other twenty five years old woman. She's a successful Broadway actress; she has three Tony's on her mantel. From the outside looking in, she has it all. She is blessed with many loving people in her life, but she hides her disease away from all of them except for the one who always comes to the rescue.
Rachel spent years after that fateful night trying to push Santana away. She knew too much. She would destroy Rachel and all of Rachel's dreams if her problem got out to the public. Her friends would shun her, people would think of her as a freak; that she is making it all up in her head. It would destroy her if this got out. She's not sick, they would say. She needs to learn how to deal with life; they would taunt. Some would call her petty or selfish because in their eyes, she has absolutely nothing to feel sad about.
She figures that it would be just like the time when a group of her 'friends' found her crying in the bathroom after she had just broken up with her high school boyfriend after he had cheated on her. She was told to move on from it, quit crying, get over it; it wasn't the end of the world. But none of them got it. At that time, as far as she was concerned; it was the end of the world.
She has always been one for drama; she knows, but this pain she can't explain. Every single time that she tries to explain the hurt, the fear, the tight feeling in her chest; the words just doesn't make sense. How do you explain that one minute you feel like you are at the top of the world and the next, well; you would give anything to be gone from it?
Today is one of those days, somewhere in the middle of the top of the world and being gone from the world. Today is a day that she feels as if she walks out the door, she may forget how to breathe. Today is one of those days where she feels like the outside world is against her. Today is one of those days where if she steps one foot outside of her protective door, that she may fall flat on her face on the hard concrete sidewalks of life. How do you explain that to anyone? She knows that Santana is waiting on the details of this episode. She owes her that since she came all the way across town in a pair of pajama bottoms and tee shirt with her hair stuffed under a baseball cap.
Rachel takes a deep breath, turns towards Santana and simply says, "Today is one of those days."
This is usually how Rachel starts the conversation; it's easier on Rachel if Santana asks questions instead of just trying to explain. "Did something happen last night after the show?" Santana asks her still pacing best friend. This question was just answered with a simple no. Santana by now has figured out most of Rachel's trigger factors, so she asks if she had been listening to the radio, this question also was answered with a quiet no.
Santana stands and places her hand on Rachel's arm and asks her to sit with her and talk. Rachel, with tears in her eyes obeys her worried friend. She sits on the far corner of her sofa, knees pulled up to her chest, head resting on the top of them as tears fall from her eyes. "Come on Rachel, this is me; talk to me. You know that you are safe with me."
Rachel nods her head, agreeing that she knew that she could trust Santana; but again how do you describe a feeling that you aren't really sure about yourself? The doctors say that it can sometimes just happen. They claim that you don't need something bad to happen to make you feel this way. She even had a doctor tell her that this was a battle that not only would she have to fight all of her life, it is one that he couldn't tell her how to feel better. They all agreed that she would need to take medication in hopes that she would be able to live a 'normal' life. She has often wondered what exactly a normal life is. She is scared to death that this is actually a normal life and that she is just too weak to live it. She knows that Santana is waiting on some kind of response. Here she goes again attempting to explain something that she is still confused about herself. "I woke up this morning just like every other damn morning. I pulled open my blinds to let the sunlight in and promptly closed them back," she says as she motions toward the blinds in her bedroom that are visible from the living room; "I didn't want the outside world in mine." She shrugs.
"Is it alright that I'm here?" Santana asks her as she hands her a tissue.
With a tiny chuckle, Rachel answers "As if I have a choice. I knew the moment that I didn't answer your call that you would be here."
"Damn straight, I will always be here for you Rachel. I don't know why you won't let others in to help you? What are you afraid of? Look Rachel I love you with all of my heart but, each time that I dial your number and you don't answer I always fear that the worse has happened." Santana tells her best friend, wiping her own tears away with her hand.
"Who? Santana the only reason that you know is because you have always had a key to my homes, and you happen to come over that day. I didn't ask to be saved. Living this life is Hell. So please tell me, who am I supposed to throw this on?" Rachel screams through her tears.
"Calm down Rachel, I'm going to go to get one of your anxiety pills for you to take. It will help calm you down, okay?" Santana asks without a waver in her voice or stance.
"Yeah, sure that's fine; but Tana I don't know if I can handle living this way any longer. I'm scared to death to even walk out of my own front door. What kind of life is this? How many of these days am I going have to deal with?" Rachel answers as she slings one of the throw pillows off of the sofa, successfully knocking over a vase of flowers from the top of her marble table.
Santana comes back into the room and hands Rachel one of her pills and a glass of water before sitting back down beside her on the sofa, "I don't have that answer, neither do you but, I do know that you can't just give up because you are having one of those days. Lay back and relax for a little while, I'll clean those flowers up and straighten up a bit." She tenderly tells her as she pulls a throw over Rachel's trembling body.
Rachel finally falls asleep and Santana is going about straightening up her immaculate home. The only thing on her mind is Rachel and Rachel's disease. Is it because of this disease that she has turned down so many dates from many men? When was the last time Rachel has actually went out and enjoyed herself? The only times she leaves her apartment now is to go to work; by the look into her refrigerator and kitchen cupboards, it's been a while since she's made a trip to the grocery store. Careful not to mention Rachel at all, she sends out a group text to their friends from the show and makes arrangements for a night at the quaint little bar just down the street from Rachel's penthouse. Santana has just returned from taking Rachel's clothes to the dry cleaners when Rachel wakes up.
"How are you feeling now?" Santana whispers, being careful not to startle Rachel; because that is one of the side effects of the medication that she had given her. It takes a few minutes longer than normal to wake up or realize where they are.
"I'm quite not sure yet. Will you get me a glass of water please?" Rachel answers. With just a nod of her head, Santana turns on her heels and walks into Rachel's kitchen and pours her a glass of water from the glass pitcher in the refrigerator.
Santana smiles when she sees that Rachel is looking through her mail, just a simple of a task like that can sometimes be hard when she has just one of those days. Taking this as a sign that she is feeling better; she tells her of the plans that she has made for that night, hoping that she can get Rachel to go out with their friends too.
"That could be fun; are you planning on wearing that?" she asks, pointing at the pajama bottoms that Santana had worn proudly through the upscale neighborhood to the dry cleaners.
Relieved that this 'episode' has passed, with a laugh Santana informs Rachel that she had went back home and got an outfit to wear for the night. She decided to leave out the minor detail that she didn't want to take a shower at her own home because she didn't want Rachel to wake up alone.
Just One of Those Days
Seven o'clock sharp Rachel is being escorted into the club by Santana. She looks amazing, all of the men in the small bar stares with appreciation of the two girls as they make their way to the table in the back that currently holds all of their friends, Blaine and Brittney who grew up in New York with Santana and Rachel along with Kurt and Finn; step brothers who came to the big apple to make their dreams come true. Kurt is the master designer on the set, he and Rachel had hit it off immediately. Tana jokes that it is because Kurt is the male version of Rachel; Finn is Rachel's leading man, he always looks like he just crawled out of bed with his messy brunette hair but he could climb up on a catwalk and have every woman in the place swooning over his good looks. Rachel looks around at the group of friends, the only friends that she has spent any significant amount of time with, she has plenty of friends, both on and off Broadway, but sitting at this table are the only ones that she feels 'safe' with. As safe as someone can feel who holds such a horrible secret from said friends. She's gone out to dinner with Finn a couple of times on her good days; she even allowed him to take her to the movies on an exceptionally good day. She really cares a lot about Finn; she has even allowed herself to wonder what it would like to be his leading lady off of the stage as well. She's accepted his hand to hold, they've shared tender kisses. He's told her that he wants to get to know her more. How do you do that? How do you open up to someone when you are scared as Hell to let them find out about your demons that you fight?
There are two seats left when they arrive to the table, after greeting everyone Santana takes the seat between Brittney and Kurt while Rachel takes the seat in the booth between Blaine and Finn. After the group orders their drinks and meals; they engage into a pleasant conversation. For some reason, Rachel feels a strong reaction to sitting next to Finn. She is currently reminding her self that she works with him six shows a week. She has to remind herself that she knows how his lips feel on hers. He isn't a stranger…or is he? She starts to panic, she feels like the walls are closing in on their small crowded table. She wants to scream for help, but if she does that then everyone will know that she is crazy. She can feel her heartbeat racing in her chest, her palms have became sweaty; she has to get out of here and quick. "Excuse me." She tells Finn as she pushes her way out of the booth and heads toward the bathroom, thank God it's near their table; she at this point feels faint. Oh sweet Barbra don't let me pass out in the middle of the bar she prays as she pushes the door to the ladies room open and finds an empty stall. Locking the stall door she collapses against the wall. Less than a beat, she hears Santana calling her name as she beats on the door of the stall.
Rachel unlocks the stall door and swings it open; she collapses into Santana's awaiting arms and just cries. Cries that she can't do this; begs to her to make it all end. Rachel's words are breaking Santana's heart. Her best friend is tired of living. How can you convince someone that life is worth living when you aren't sure how they are living? Santana just holds her best friend tight and allows her to cry it out. Brittney is now in the bathroom too. She is currently blocking the door so no one can enter. Rachel Berry, one of the most loved and popular leading lady of Broadway is currently having a nervous breakdown in a local bar's ladies room. Brittney shoots a quick text to Blaine asking him to block the ladies bathroom door from the outside so no one can get in. Blaine tells Kurt and Finn that he'll be right back telling them that he is needed at the ladies bathroom door. Kurt looks at Finn after Blaine leaves the table and tells him that he will be right back and asks him to save their table.
Blaine texts Brittney back to tell her that he has the door covered; Brittney joins Santana in trying to console Rachel. They let Rachel cry it out. Her sobs are slowing. She looks up and notices Brittney standing there with her arms wrapped around her and starts to flip out. Oh no, this can't be happening; someone else is going to know.
It's Brittney who takes control of the situation; she looks Rachel straight in the eyes and questions her about what happened at the table. She tells her that she has seen her medication bottles; she knows that she suffers from depression and anxiety. Brittney says those dreaded words as if they are merely that, words. She shows no signs of being ashamed of being friends with Rachel; she shows no pity on Rachel because of her attack, the only thing that Rachel sees in Brittney's eyes is the concern of a friend. Could it really be that simple? Could it be as damn simple as her just opening up to the people that are in her life? Is that really all that she needs to do? How would the others react to this horrible death sentence that she faces everyday? Would Finn demand a new leading lady, citing that there was no way that he could work with a 'psycho'. Would he be pissed because she has allowed his to have several dates with a freak? Would Kurt gossip Rachel's news to the rest of the cast and crew? And Blaine, poor Blaine has been Rachel's friend since elementary school; would he be embarrassed to be associated with her too?
Santana tells Brittney that they are losing Rachel into her own thoughts. Both of the girls start talking to Rachel, trying desperately to get her to answer them. Finally, Rachel looks at both of her friends and asks them to please take her home. She tells them that the guys are welcome too. It's time to come clean to them about her battle. It's time to seek the help that she desperately needs. She's so tired of living this way; she finds her self forcing air to fill her lungs. That familiar tightness is back in her chest, the sadness is overcoming her. She knows it's a now or never situation. It's not fair to Santana that she's the only one who has to help Rachel with her demons. Rachel concentrates on Santana's voice; the voice that just keeps reminding her to breathe and promising that everything would be alright. As she fights to calm her labored breath; Brittney sends a text to Blaine telling him that they are going to take Rachel out the back door and that she has requested that everyone meet at her house.
Just One of Those Days
Once everyone has made it to Rachel's house and Santana fixes everyone drinks as Brittney orders in from the Chinese restaurant around the corner, Rachel asks all of her friends to please sit down in her living room because she has something that she needs to discuss with them.
She finds herself sandwich between Santana and Brittney on her oversized loveseat as the three men sits facing them from her sofa. She takes a deep breath, looks at Santana for encouragement to continue before she begins the speech that could possibly change her life forever.
"Three years, four months and six days ago I tried to take my own life. If it hadn't been for Santana, I would have died that day; I had taken so much medication that if she hadn't had found me and called the EMTs I wouldn't be sitting here in front of you." She pauses to take a drink of her water as tears stream down her face, "I just couldn't deal with my life anymore. I couldn't and still can't explain why I feel this way sometimes. The doctors tell me that I suffer from depression and anxiety. I was shocked, just as I am sure that all of you are. Depressed or anxious people can't carry on with their normal lives. That's how I always thought, until the depressed and anxious people were no longer they, it was, it is me. I get up on that stage six times a week and sing my heart out, but once the curtain closes and I find myself home alone; I become afraid of everything outside of that door, The sound of the refrigerator has scared me to the point that I would unplug it. There are days that I think of nothing but ending my life." She tells them, she needs a moment to gather her thoughts, another side effect of some of the medication that she is currently taken.
All five of her friends sit there patiently; she stares into each of their eyes wondering if any of them are ready to run. Concerned as to who would go and tell her story to everyone else. Which of these people hated her right now for being this unexplainable freak and not telling them? She doesn't see any of this, the five set of eyes are looking at her just as they have always looked at her. Their eyes show friendship, love, hope, passion and strength. Now this strength that she sees in their eyes, she can pull from their strength on the days that she doesn't feel like she has any of her own.
It's Finn who finally speaks up, barely in a whisper, "Let me help you with this."
Blaine tells her that he has always been there for her, he questions her why she kept this from him. Kurt just stands up and walks over to where she sits between Brittney and Santana and hugs her, he hugs her tight; he tells her that she has all of their love, passion, friendship, hope and most importantly strength. Kurt goes back to his seat on the sofa. There is not one dry eye as Rachel feeds off of their strength to carry on with everything else she needs to say.
"I have been fighting against falling in love, because who could tolerate living in a home with someone like me? One day, I'll be singing and dancing as I move around the house, while the next I may not be able to get out of bed, or just cry for a reason that I am not able to explain. This is my little secret, if it were to get out, who would hire me? I have not once missed a day at work; but because I have 'issues' all of the producers would be concerned about hiring me." She stands, spins with her arms spread out like wings and tells her friends, "This is my life. Welcome; it's not an easy life to live nor is it an easy life to be in and I will understand if you all get up and leave right now. I only ask that you keep my secret safe." She tells the room before she runs into her bedroom, closing her bedroom door and sliding against it. She can't bear to see them leave, but why would they stay. She is crazy, isn't that what the masses think? Isn't that what we have always heard, only the weak cry or needs to take medication to help cope with their own lives? Hell she is crazy. Isn't that what we were taught? The stigma around mental illness must be true, right since so many people believe that way? She knew by telling her friends about her 'condition' that she is chancing loosing them all. Maybe that will make her decision easier. If she doesn't have any friends who could just pop up and find her…maybe she could succeed the next time.
There is a knock at her bedroom door, she knows it's not Santana; well that's something, someone else chose to stay. She pushes her body up from the floor, unlocks and opens the door to find Finn standing there with evidence of crying still in his eyes. "May I come in, I promise I won't overstay my welcome." He asks her with that adorable half smile he always has for her.
"Come in." she whispers. Once he is in her bedroom, she closes the door and stands there and waits to hear what he has to say to her.
He asks her to sit; she declines but tells him that he can sit on her bed. It's someone else's turn to take that deep breath, its Finn's turn. He takes the dreaded deep breath, stands back up in front of her and tells her, "I have felt something for you since the very first day that I was introduced to you at the very first casting call. We didn't even speak to each other that day, I remember it so clearly. I could see something in your eyes; I wasn't sure what I saw then, but it was something amazing in your eyes. After the first time that I heard you sing, I thought that was it; that was what was so special about you. That was your magical spark. I've always thought that you're amazing Rachel. And tonight, when you opened up to us right out there, I still thought that. I still thought you were amazing, and beautiful and talented. Rach, I have been trying to work up the courage to tell you that I think that I am falling in love with you. But after what you just shared with us out there, I'm not thinking about it anymore. I have never been more certain than I am right now in the fact that I have already fallen."
She's speechless. She has made it a point to push people away, not to fall in love and certainly not to allow anyone to fall in love with her. She's broken. Who could possibly love a broken woman?
"That magical spark that you saw that day was nothing more than fear. Fear of all of the people sitting in that room, fear of failing, fear of anyone finding out my secret. You know Finn; I went to that audition two weeks after Santana found me lying unconscious in my bathroom floor. And I was so scared of ending up right back there." She tells him as the tears return. She's a broken woman; a broken woman who will never have her happy ending…Today is one of those days. That's what she's been saying all day long since eight o'clock as she sat on her window seat as the world carried on below without her.
The answer that she receives is one that she would have never expected. With the tenderest kiss on her lips, he promises, "I want more than anything to be the one who helps you through one of those days, all of those days no matter what shape they come in. Will you let me do that for you? Will you let me help you? Will you let me love you?"
At this moment, she realizes that she doesn't have to deal with one of those days alone ever again. She has never been more thankful for her best friend, all of her friends really. And this gorgeous man, who she has been afraid to admit to herself that she loves too; that is standing in front of her proclaiming his love for her; it makes her feel less broken. For the first time in a very long time, Rachel feels like that maybe she can make it through one of those days with her friends by her side. This battle may be over but the war never will be. But she knows that she will never again have to fight alone.
Today is One of THOSE Days…but she's going to be okay.