Today.
Today is a very special day.
Today is a very big performance.
Today is very important.
But over all things about today that mattered most to Austin Moon, today was today, and he wished it were yesterday again.
He carefully adjusted the bowtie set upon the collar of his shirt. He checked the clock.
8:48 pm.
Austin knew he couldn't change the day… or anything, actually.
He wished he could stop the metamorphosis of his life. But he couldn't, and Austin finally realized this after many years. And he was bitter about his inability to do so.
Austin looked outside the window, and watched as a single leaf fell from the maple tree in his backyard.
No matter how much he loved summer, fall always came.
And fall it did.
He took off the black frames and cleared the smudges off the lenses. He placed the glasses back on his face, hoping he could see everything clearer now. But it doesn't work like that.
Today was the first day of fall.
He wished it were summer again. He wished for the bright sun to pierce his eyes and make him squint. He wished for days at the beach with his friends. He wished for simple summer nights to lie with her on the hammock.
Her.
He left Miami with her.
They left their friends behind. And he knew right as they left that he would never see them again. He was right. But it didn't matter, she had him, he had her, all was well.
Austin smiled at the photo album set on the desk in front of him, the picture of the two of them smiling shining up at him.
He smiled, looking at her soft brown hair, and remembered every moment they shared together all at once.
The piano.
The lyrics.
The songs.
The performance.
The performance!
Austin snapped back into reality, adjusting the charcoal black blazer covering his upper body. He had a big performance today, and he couldn't be late.
8:50 pm.
He shuffled into the kitchen to grab his guitar. She gave him the guitar.
She gave him the lyrics.
She gave him love.
She was love.
He grinned, knowing he would see her soon, yet dread the thought all the same.
Today would mark a year since he's visited her.
And, boy, was he nervous.
Everything needed to be perfect. She was the only reason he was doing this. The show was all for her. Everything always was and always will be for her.
He slipped on his white shoes and stepped into the crisp northeastern air, then shut the door behind him.
He walked slowly to the park, trying to figure out what he was going to say. Trying to figure out what he was going to sing. Trying to figure out everything.
Austin knew that she liked him for himself, so that's all he would be. Simply Austin.
The guitar weighed a lot more than it used to, and trudging up and down the grassy hills was a little difficult. But the little adrenaline he had kept him moving.
He was so close.
He could practically hear her laughing. And he hoped that maybe she would laugh along with him when they met again in a few minutes. But that was not certain. Nothing ever is anymore.
He shivered, and hummed a tune to keep his mind off of things. He felt like she wouldn't approve of him, and he needed her approval. He knew that she loved him no matter what; she had made that clear to him years ago. But things were different now.
He stopped nearby the show's location to pick up a few flowers. Austin counted the five red roses, and paid at the cash register as he shuffled his way towards his destination again.
He passed the numerous kids playing Frisbee on the largest grassy area in the entire park. He even waved and made small talk to a few children he knew while they walked alongside him. With a light hug and a shake of the hand, they left him when they arrived at the gates.
The gates.
He had seen them many times before. Even so, Austin couldn't help the chill that ran down his spine and shook him to his core. He saw many cars near the entrance, to the gates, and he knew people were there. But he was confident and ready; performing in front of others was easy for him.
Performing for her? Not so much.
He opened the ebony rod-iron door to the fence and stepped through.
Austin made his way towards his love, roses in hand, trying not to disturb any other guests.
His chest became tight, and he stared at his shoes while he walked, but he kept moving. He was going to do this, no matter what others thought of him.
At times, he made eye contact with other visitors and nodded his head in somber silence to all of them. They mostly nodded back, while a few just turned their heads in embarrassment.
Then he saw it. He had arrived.
Austin bent down, letting his fingers trace the outline of her name on the large stone placed in front of him.
"Hi, honey." He softly smiled and let out a little chuckle.
"Man, it's been awhile." Austin shook his head and looked up to the dim and slow fading sky above him.
"Ally, did you know that cloud watching is actually fun? I never really tried it. But I thought I'd give it a go a few months back. It's hard to do it in the winter though. There are too many clouds! And for some reason I just can't make forms out of them. I just always think they look like vanilla flavored cotton candy."
He waited for her response, perhaps a little giggle at his lame joke, but there was none.
"Sheesh, life has been real quiet lately. Remember when it was loud? Remember when we'd sing and play instruments, and our neighbors would come yell at us?"
A tear rolled down his cheek at the memories flooding into his mind.
"Remember the shenanigans Dez and Trish and you and I used to pull back in Miami? Gee, I miss them so much. I hope they're doing good. You would know, you hang out with them every day now."
Tears were streaming down his cheek as he pulled the guitar to the front of his body.
"Ally, I was going to write something for you, but I couldn't figure out what to say. I never do anymore. Words just never come out right when I say them. You were the words, you were my mind, you were my voice when I had none."
Austin took a small handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped his eyes. He continued to cry nonetheless.
"I just don't know what to sing for anyone anymore. I don't know what to sing for you anymore. Everything I ever want to sing or say to you just ends up being 'I love you' and I…"
Austin choked on his words. He couldn't compose himself.
"… I've lost my voice Ally. You were my voice. You were my mind. You were my heart. You were my everything. And I lost you."
He fell to his knees, and wiped the grey hair away from covering his face.
Without even thinking, Austin got out his guitar and started strumming a tune. He didn't even know what it was, but it was a melody, and that's all that mattered to him. He was crying to hard to sing, breathing too heavy to try and calm himself, and reminiscing over too many memories to think of words.
He wanted to sing about how much he missed her, about how much he missed cleaning their house while dancing along to the songs on the radio. He wanted to tell her that she was beautiful. He wanted to sing about memories that they shared together. Their first kiss, first date, their wedding… but nothing came out of his mouth.
After 5 minutes, he dropped the guitar pick next to the bottom of her headstone, and removed the guitar, tears streaming down his wrinkled face. He pulled the five red roses out.
"I know you're taking care of my parents up there. They really loved you. No matter how much you felt that they nagged you. They really cared about you."
Austin threw two roses onto the grass in front of him.
"I know you're conjuring up some sort of prank with Dez. Make sure it's wacky and wild. Like old times. Give him a 'what up' for me. And Trish? I know you missed your best friend. I miss her too. I hope you two are catching up on all that you've missed these past years."
Austin threw two more red roses next to the others on the ground.
"And you, Ally."
He bowed his head. The tears quickly gathering in his eyes again. Everything was going blurry.
"I hope you're having an amazing time up there. I know you look beautiful, like you always do. I hope you teach everyone to play piano and tell everyone not to touch your book. I hope you never forget anything. Especially me. And I hope you'll be waiting for me when I get there too."
And with a wipe of the eyes, Austin Moon threw his last rose into the pile.
"It's been ten years Ally. I love you, so so much."
Austin placed his hands on his guitar, and watched through his blurred vision as a small yellow butterfly landed on the grey stone in front of him.
He sat up a little, quite a bit more composed than he had been just seconds before.
The little butterfly simply sat on the tombstone, lightly fluttering its wings.
A weight on Austin's shoulders lifted. He felt happier. More content. Something inside of him changed.
For the first time in ten years, Austin Moon walked out of the cemetery with a smile on his face.
Austin looked up to the sky.
"I'm okay." Austin whispered.
Austin let out a small chuckle under his breath and continued out the gates.
At some point, caterpillars will have to turn into butterflies. Summer will fade to autumn, and day will always turn into night. But butterflies have intricately designed wings, autumn has many bright colored leaves, and the darkness of the night will always be needed to see the light of the stars and the glow of the moon.