His hands slip underneath her shirt, scratch her ribs, reach up to grab at her breasts. They hurt her, his clean, clipped nails cutting her skin, and she almost pushes him off and tells him she wants to leave and go back to her own room; but Levi is a better substitute than others for her wishes and they've managed well until now. Her back is flat against his large bed and she reaches up at him, locking her fingers in his hair, intentionally pulling hard. His head arches back and his eyes lock onto hers. In the dark, she sees a smirk graze his face and knows he's not going to let her off easy.
It's times like these, when the room is barely lit and she can only make out the outline of his body, that Mikasa finds it easiest to pretend she's not with Levi, that someone she doesn't truly want is not entering her. She can pretend it's someone else's hands tickling her skin, making her chest rise and fall with want. She can pretend it's someone she loves who kisses at her neck and leaves marks that she covers with her scarf.
She always imagines it's Eren.
Thinking of him brings a pain to her chest. If it weren't for Eren, she wouldn't have come seeking Levi or his attention at all. They'd gotten into a petty argument hours before over his health, which was deteriorating rapidly. Against Eren's will, as most things were relating to his body lately, he'd been forced to transform more frequently, for the "benefit and knowledge we can obtain from gathering more information," or so they'd been told. In any case, it was taking a definitive toll on Eren, and she'd noticed his movements were more sluggish and his reactions slower. She worried that, in battle, he wouldn't be able to hold his own or avoid injury. She had told him as much and, instead of agreement, had found Eren to be unusually irritable with her.
"Don't you think I already know that?" His voice had been curt and snappish. "Do you think I like being torn apart and analyzed every few days?"
Her usual tolerance and patience for him had finally worn thin and she'd snapped back at him, "Forget I mentioned anything at all." She hadn't stuck around for an answer and instead had found herself pacing around her cabin for hours, till she was told she was disrupting others from sleeping. She'd left to pace around outside instead, running her hands through her hair and anxiously tapping her feet. She barely remembered making the conscious decision to go find Levi's door and knock on it.
She's drawn back from her memory when she feels her shirt slip off and pants slide down. She expects the rough treatment for her insolence earlier; she feels a mouth on her nipple and her breath catches when it's nipped on, hard. She imagines a different mouth and set of hands latching on to her. There's little warning right before she's entered, but she's used to that, too. He enters her easily, and she's surprised by how her body always responds so positively to him.
The first time she'd slept with Levi, it was awkward and painful. It was uncomfortable and left her irritable at everyone else for days on end; she recalled even Eren intentionally avoiding her after he'd asked too many questions. It had been an accident the first time, brought on by her need for someone out of bounds and his by desires, though not necessarily for her. She had initially felt almost flattered that the cleanliest man she'd ever met felt she was acceptable. The flattery was later replaced with revulsion, more so at herself than him. She couldn't fathom why she kept coming back.
"Eren," she sighs quietly as Levi begins to move. She feels him stop and knows he heard her. He's never pretended to love her and she's never particularly expressed feelings of care to him, either. They don't normally talk and usually it's a knock on his door at midnight that lets him know it's her. It's habit for him to snuff out his light and for her to crawl to his bed. She only visits him once in a while, refusing to admit she wants the closeness and intimacy more often, primarily because he's not the one she wants it from most.
"Turn," Levi tells her, his voice sharp and commanding, a tone he's an expert at. She knows she's irked him and moves her hips upward, bringing him farther in.
"Make me," she mocks with a curve of her lips. She's upset at herself for ruining the moment; she can't pretend it's Eren when Levi's voice is all she hears. She doesn't see his next action but feels it, his hands on her waist as he rolls her over. He's no doubt left a purple bruise in the shape of his hand on her hips. He's slipped out in the process of moving and she feels him reposition and enter once more.
After, when Mikasa has slipped her clothes back on, wrapped her scarf around her neck and buckled her belt, she feels as unhappy and unsatisfied as when she first arrived. It's late morning now and light will be inching its way up soon. She knows she's a mess, her neck and chest bitten red and her hair in every which way. It's dark as she's trying to quietly locate the door back to her bed and her hand is inching along the side, hoping she can make it in unnoticed.
She's just started forming up stories to tell should she be caught when she hits a solid wall of bone and muscle. It jumbles her, almost makes her scream, and she feels a hand against her mouth. She looks upward, meets Eren's eyes, and relaxes for a moment. She sees the recognition in his eyes, too, and he looks relieved. Their argument from the night before rings in her ears and she wants to apologize for it, but she's prideful like him. The air is tense and uncomfortable between them, the initial excitement of seeing each other gone quickly.
Mikasa notices the way Eren is avoiding her gaze and she takes the opportunity to try and fix her hair up, running her fingers through it in a way she hopes he'll believe is just from nerves. She notices the way one of his hands is awkwardly behind his back and she takes the opportunity, asking, "Why… is there something you're hiding?"
With the sunlight creeping up on them she can see his face flushing, and he takes his hand out from behind his back, holding out a Tiger Lily flower, the bright orange seeming almost translucent with soft rays starting to shine on it. She wonders where he got such a rarity and what it cost for him to acquire it.
She hopes it wasn't as much as her dignity has cost her.
When she's reaching for the flower she hesitates, caught in her own selfish thoughts and worries. There are so few moments either of them has to spare anymore and she's amazed that amongst that despite their disagreement he went out of his way to surprise her still. She'd thought of him all evening and hadn't returned with anything for him; in fact, she would argue that she was returning with less of herself than the last time he had seen her. Guilt floods her body and she swears it's seeping out of her. She's convinced he'll notice her odd behavior.
Now she's hesitated too long and the boyish smile that had tagged along with his blush is fading. She reaches for it quickly, her fingers hot where they brush against his. She looks down at the brightly colored flower and twirls it between her fingers and attempts to smile as genuinely as possible.
"Eren, I—"
"I already know what you're going to say, Mikasa," Eren interjects.
Her heart stops, worried for a moment he knows what she's been doing for the last couple of hours. But, surprisingly, she finds an even larger part of her feels she would be relieved if he does. It would be easier to deal with his anger and hurt than continuing to lie to him.
"You were going to say sorry. Sorry first, then 'thank you' after." Eren sounds so proud of himself, as though he's got her figured out entirely.
She doesn't know why his naiveté is so charming, but it intensifies her guilt all the same. He would never suspect of her of betraying him with someone he was acquainted with, let alone their superior. Her free hand reaches for his shirt, cold from the chill in the air. Wordlessly, she tugs him closer, no doubt confusing him, but he complies, taking a few unsure steps toward her. There's hardly space between them anymore, the flower the only wall between them. Her forehead falls against his shoulder and she thinks for a minute he must still be growing, because now she doesn't have to lower herself to fit comfortably against him. It depresses her in some small way to know that he's changing, even in subtle ways.
Her voice is soft as she says, "Yes, you're right. Thank you." She hesitates for a second longer as she turns her head into his neck, her lips grazing the side of his neck. She can feel the skin start to heat again and, in spite of the situation and her feelings, she smiles.
"Thank you and… I'm sorry." She's not apologizing for their argument and as much as she wants to let him know the truth, she's not ready to ruin this moment just yet. She's relieved to feel his arms around her in a tight, albeit surprising, hug. She knows he's thinking the same thing as her, that neither of them can really recall being this close since childhood when they shared a bed.
"We both made mistakes last night, right? I'm sorry, I hope you weren't up so late looking for me." She wishes it were the truth. Mikasa knows without seeing Eren's face that he's smiling, relieved to have the air cleared between them. She almost wants to laugh at the irony of the situation, but how could she possibly admit the truth now? It's odd, she thinks, that she can't bring herself to hate the mistakes entirely; after all, the events did lead her into his arms.
She wants to answer him back, explain herself, but Eren stops her, continuing, "Let's agree not to fight anymore, at least for a couple of months, okay?" He's trying to be humorous and lighten the situation. She holds his shirt a little tighter between her fingers. "But I think everyone will start waking soon so let's head back now." It's not a question or a command, but she knows he's right. She's been wrapped up in her tiny world with him for a while and now the sun is breaking through their tiny walls, reminding her that it's time to deal with reality once again.
She can only bring herself to nod her head before releasing his shirt. She plasters on another smile and intentionally catches his eye this time. "No more fighting. I'll see you in a few hours."
Eren seems relieved she hasn't said anything out of the ordinary. He's pleased to see she's still holding the flower tightly, the bright leaves complimenting her scarf well. He wants to tell her he picked it out especially for her, that he'd heard a vendor was lucky enough to snag a few to sell for extra cash and he had rushed early to pick the best one and surprise her with it. He wants to, but he doesn't, because the entire story sounds vain to announce, even to him, and, really, all he truly wants is for Mikasa to feel special, just for a moment. There's so few times in life anymore when they have the chance to make those closest to them feel important.
He hesitates before leaving, looking at her with one last question. Are you okay? And although she doesn't answer with words, her smile reassures him. She can noticeably see his entire body relax and she wonders if he's happy he escaped any awkward moments or questions with her. Maybe, she thinks, he's lucky he didn't use his words to ask, because she can feel her own guilty words bubbling in her mouth, ready to spill over and release. She sees his smile and her body hurts; her legs are weak, her heart is tired, her brain ready to shut down for a while. She waits till Eren is out of sight before she leans against the wall she'd be grappling at earlier.
Certainly, she thinks, if sleeping with Levi wasn't her biggest fallacy, maybe falling for Eren was.