Letting Go

chewing.gum.alchemist

disclaimer: I don't own fma, as always. blah, blah, blah...

notes: this one's rated M for a reason kids... back out now if you don't like the idea of two lovely boys having relations. oh... and language, keh...

Heiderich x Ed again. can't leave these boys alone.

extremely long oneshot... for me, anyway. it's divided into two parts, so don't get confused.

specifics: Ed's automail is still in tact and working. cos automail is the shiznit!

music: "Pain" by Three Days Grace and "My Last Breath" by Evanesence

thanks: all the love is to Pookie and Sar's, the two people that keep me writing.

i'm still loving the fans. you guys are awesome.

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-Part I-

Warmth was a rarity in the tiny, unheated apartment, yet the breath hitting Ed's neck made him feel like he was in the desert. Soft lips teased his automail shoulder and found their way to his neck.

"Mmm..." Ed purred, a needy groan surfacing in his throat as a tongue explored the back of his neck. The breath that woke him grazed his moist neck, almost making Ed want to jump out of his own skin.

"Good morning," the young man behind him said, his arms snaking around Edward's slim frame. Ed had to fight the urge to shiver as long, pale fingers iced over with cold wandered over his chest.

"Alfons," Ed breathed, the name warm on the tip of his tongue. Alfons smiled and let his slowly warming hands glide down Ed's stomach, enjoying the way Ed was returning the gesture by pushing up against him. He reached the top of Ed's pants quickly, his fingers running over the button that held them together.

Tempation was sweet, but Alfons resisted. It was almost time for work, after all.

Ed licked his lips to find that they tasted of wine and skin. He turned over so that he could look at the young man with whom he was sharing a bed. Light blonde hair glimmered oddly in the cold light of morning, yet blue eyes shone as though there were an abundant light source directly above them. Ed traced Alfons's lips with his tongue and smiled. Alfons tasted like steel today, and the taste combined oddly with the wine and skin taste already in his mouth.

God, those eyes. Ed stared helplessly into the depths of the oceans that were Alfons's eyes, drowning in non-existent water. A laugh pushed its way past Alfons's lips, despite his efforts to keep it at bay. Nothing was funnier to him than Ed gawking at his eyes, especially in the morning.

"Okay, quit staring," Alfons said, a laugh still lingering in his voice.

"Have you seen your eyes?" Ed argued, awaking from his trance only to argue.

"Have you felt your lips?" Alfons combatted before planting an innocent kiss on the boy.

But, of course, Ed could turn heaven to hell in two seconds flat.

He bit Alfons's lower lip gently, tugging playfully before letting go. A simple flick of the tongue was enough to hold Ed off for a second, which is all he needed to swing his leg over and straddle his partner at the waist.

"Ah," Alfons opened his mouth to protest, but Ed quickly sealed it shut with a kiss, stopping Alfons before he could speak. When Ed finally pulled away, Alfons stared up at him sadly. Why did he always have to ruin the fun? "No fluff before work."

Ed's sigh was almost a groan. He rolled off of Alfons and wrapped back up in his cocoon of blankets. "No fair."

A strong hand pushed Ed's bangs out of his eyes, and Alfons kissed his forehead. "Only got an hour if you're coming. You might want to get up soon."

Reluctantly, Ed sat up, sleep still holding his senses back. He tried to blink the drowsiness away, but it seemed to linger longer than the boy had patience for.

"Aah... fuck!" the curse erupted from Ed's mouth as he threw a pillow on the floor.

"Something wrong?" Alfons asked, changing out of his pajama pants and into something a bit more presentable. Ed coaxed Alfons over with a wave of the hand and held his arms out pitifully.

"Carry me to the bathroom," Ed said in a low voice, his eyes pleading. Alfons sighed, but somehow he found himself picking up the shorter boy and, cradling him warmly, heading to the bathroom. Alfons set Ed down on the edge of the bathtub gently. "Thanks, I think," Ed murmered, pulling Alfons down into a warm kiss.

Suddenly, Alfons pulled away violently and began to cough. Falling to his knees, he turned away from Ed and continued coughing. Ed placed a hand on Alfons's shoulder and knew all he could do was stare. As suddenly as the fit of coughing began, Alfons bent at the waist and coughed up thick red blood. Ed's eyes widened as the last of the blood dripped from Alfons's lips. He grabbed a nearby towel and handed it to Alfons, keeping a hand on his back to hold him steady.

"That must've been one hell of a kiss," Alfons joked, smiling through the blood on his lips. Ed looked at him sadly as he took the towel from Alfons and wiped the blood from his lips.

"Go back to bed," Ed said in a low voice. "I'll call you in sick today."

"But I'm fine now," Alfons protested. "And... we're broke. We need the money."

"I said get in the fucking bed," Ed growled at Alfons as he reached down to help him up. On the way out, Alfons accidentally stepped in the puddle of his own blood and sighed.

"This sucks," he said, looking down at his bloodstained foot.

"Maybe you need the bath more than I do," Ed said, bending down with his trusty towel to clean the blood off of Alfons and the floor.

"Maybe we both need the bath equally. Let's settle this and take one together," Alfons said with a smile. Ed looked up at Alfons with an odd stare, a smile tugging at his lips.

"Go lie down before you lose it completely," Ed replied as Alfons turned to leave. Before Alfons was entirely out of the room, Ed took the towel and popped Alfons quickly on the ass. Alfons turned, a small smirk on his lips.

"I'll run the bathwater," Ed added, and Alfons walked back into the bedroom. Ed looked over at the bathtub, hoping that the pipes hadn't frozen over. There was no way in hell he was getting in icewater with Alfons; it'd just make him more sickly. This December was unusually cold, and the boys couldn't exactly afford comfort at this point. The best they had was each other, and that was working so far.

Fortunately, the water flowing into the bath was warm. Ed smiled and continued to clean the blood off of the floor. When he had finished his task, he went to call to inform Alfons's partners that he wouldn't be in today. They weren't very happy; Alfons had been much sicklier lately, and Ed was always forcing him to stay at home. He wasn't sure if this was helping or hurting, but he didn't give a fuck just as long as they were together. He hated to admit it, but their numbered days together were slipping fast. Ed returned to the bathroom, staring blankly at the flow of water as it filled the bathtub.

What will I do without him? he wondered to himself. I can't exactly do this alone...

Strong arms pulled Ed from his state of delusion and wrapped warmly around him. Ed looked over his shoulder to see Alfons there, a smile on his lips.

"If you don't stop that water, there's gonna be more for you to clean up," he said.

Ed bent over and turned the knobs to their prevoius position, stopping the flow of warm water into the bath. He looked back at Alfons, golden eyes glazed over with sadness. Alfons looked sympathetic, but Ed wondered why; commiseration wasn't something that he needed. Alfons placed his hand on Ed's forehead, ruffling Ed's bangs ever so slightly, and Ed couldn't help but eagerly lean into his palm.

"You're so adorable," Alfons whispered, and Ed began to unbutton his shirt, fingers lingering over bare skin.

"Can't let the water get cold," Ed said, his voice bordering a whisper. Ed removed his clothing first, letting pants and boxers drop to the floor together. Alfons followed suit a bit slower, as though taking off his pants was a mind-racking task.

The bathtub was unusually large compared to the scale of the apartment. There was enough room for both boys to fit and some left over. Ed's mind was racing as he stepped gingerly into the lukewarm bathwater. It was warmer than he thought, his skin slowly turning red as he lowered himself into the water. Alfons stared after him silently, almost unsure if he even wanted to join Ed.

A quick tug of the non-existent leash that Ed had tied around Alfons's throat made his second thoughts disappear into thin air.

"Ah..." Alfons gasped, lowering himself into the bath slowly. "This is perfect..."

Their legs intertwined for a moment, Ed's automail heated by the liquid surrounding it. Alfons had to admit, now that the steel wasn't freezing up against his skin, it accually felt really good.

"No bubbles," Alfons complained as he stared through the clear water.

"Bubbles are for losers," Ed replied, "and these losers just happened to not have any."

Alfons laughed, which led to a small fit of coughing. Ed leaned foward, using his left hand to rub the inside of Alfons's thigh.

"You gonna be okay?" Ed asked gently, and Alfons smiled at him.

"Yeah, I'm fine..." Alfons replied, somewhat annoyed by Ed's worrying today.

Ed sat back on his legs and now had both hands on either of Alfons's thighs. He turned so that his back faced Alfons and backed up slowly in between his legs. They sat in silence for a moment, the only sound being their breathing and the occasional cough from Alfons. Ed let his head fall to one side, his cheek up against Alfons's neck.

Meanwhile, the water was slowly dropping in temperature. Ed opened his eyes halfway and stared down at his steel limbs. He always tried to be cautious of where they were so that he didn't cause Alfons any discomfort, but right now he didn't seem to care. He turned to face the boy again and kissed him gently, the warmth of Ed's lips lingering on Alfons's even after he pulled away. The blonde boy lowered himself to Alfons's hips, dragging his tongue along the bone. Alfons shuddered and lifted his head slightly. He could never watch Ed in the act; the look on his face always killed him.

Years ago, when Ed was still in his own world, he never would've dreamed he'd do half the things he'd done with a guy. But now, as Ed held his breath and sunk underwater, all of those old feelings were behind him. Alfons was the one he loved, and he dared anyone to say a word against it. Water rushed into Ed's mouth as he went to place his mouth around Alfons's cock. He felt Alfons's hungry yell from inside as though he had yelled it right in his ear. Ed continued to pleasure Alfons until he was out of air. Resurfacing, he inhaled deeply and sunk under again, enraged that he had to deal with breathing. Suddenly, Ed heard Alfons begin to cough and thought nothing of it--he only did it all the time, after all.

Alfons's breath quickened a bit too much for his body to handle. His throat began to burn from the coughing, and he felt the blood coming again. No, not now... Alfons voiced internally. Stop... STOP!

Red began to swirl together with the water, and Ed resurfaced, blood settling in his hair. He was somewhat disgusted by this, but had no time to think about it. Alfons was still panting, his chest heaving with the need for air. He managed to look at Ed and whisper, "Hospital..." before passing out.

-Part 2-

Ed sat in the waiting room of the hospital, fighting back tears as he stared blankly at the floor. After Alfons had passed out, he rushed to dry and clothe both of them enough so they wouldn't freeze before they reached the hospital. Ed wasn't the best driver in the world, but today he was the worst. The doctors took Alfons from Ed's arms and placed him on a stretcher, rushing him back to the emergency room.

A tall man whom Ed suspected was a doctor approached him. "Mr. Elric?"

Ed nodded. He couldn't get his voice to do anything but emit odd sounding squeaks.

"I'm afraid that Alfons has gone into a coma," the doctor said, false sympathy in his voice. "It's because of his frequent blood loss. Apparently, he's stopped taking his medication in the past month or so."

Ed could've died right then and there. The only reason he could think of for this was that Alfons was trying to use the medicine money to help them out. You idiot... look what you've done now... Ed rested his head in his hands quietly.

"Would you like to see him?" the doctor asked. Ed looked up and nodded wearily, following the doctor back to an intensive care room. Ed felt all of the life drain from him as he stepped into the room.

Alfons was lying silently in the bed, all color drained from his face. A chair had been placed next to the bed, and Ed inched toward it, his eyes never leaving Alfons's face. He looked so peaceful lying there, his chest rising and falling the only movement he made. Ed felt the tears rise in his eyes, but he held them back as he sat down next to Alfons's still body. Ed felt numb all over as he stared at the boy next to him.

All my fault... Ed thought. This is all my fault... If I wasn't such a burden... Ed finally let tears fall, unable to hold them back any longer. Ed bit down on his lip and tasted blood. He sighed and began to lick the blood from his lips. Please let me be dreaming...

Ed came to the hospital everyday to find Alfons unchanged. He began to take Alfons's place at his job, working like he knew Alfons would've if his body would let him. Life at home was extremely boring and cold with loneliness. Ed woke to silence, made coffee in silence, and went to work in silence... every day. The rest of his time was spent with Alfons at the hospital, still in silence. He always stayed until they chased him away.

Alfons had been in the coma for three months when it happened. Ed had been having a horrible day, maybe the worst one since Alfons was hospitalized. He was out of coffee, screwed up a rocket at work, and his hair was almost permanently black in some places from where the rocket leaked on him. He entered Alfons's room wearily and was suprised to see the blinds shut. Has no one been looking after him all day? Ed wondered as he went to open the blinds. Alfons greeted him like always--by not greeting him. He went to sit down, laying his coat at the foot of Alfons's bed as he did.

Ed sighed and began to ramble on about his day to the unconcious boy. Silence made him so uncomfortable, so he began trying to talk to Alfons, hoping that he might just sit up and reply. He had to stifle a yawn after he finished ranting.

"I'm just so tired..." Ed said softly. "You don't care if I sleep, do you?"

Alfons didn't reply.

"That's what I thought," Ed said, smiling. Slowly, he drifted off to sleep in the chair.

Soon after Ed fell asleep, the boy next to him began to show signs of life. One finger twitched. Then another. Soon the boy was able to move his left hand entirely. Eyelids flew open and began searching the unfamiliar room.

Where am I? He wondered, trying to sit up. Bolts of pain shot through his body, and he laid back down. He looked over and saw Ed there, still asleep. Even smiling hurt Alfons. He decided that he must be in the hospital; it was way too bright for anywhere else. He looked out the window and saw spring--clear skies, flowers blooming. How long have I been in here?

His eyes drifted back to Ed. He looked well, despite the black in his hair. That looks like... oil? Has he been working on the rockets? Alfons's vision was fading in and out, so he closed his eyes. He tried calling for Ed, but he couldn't get his voice to work. His throat was burning, and he began to feel bile rising. Shit, not this again... Soon the floor was covered with a clear liquid, and Alfons was whimpering at the foot of the bed. A shock of pain went down his spine and continued until it reached his toes.

"Ah..." Alfons managed to gasp out, gripping the sheets beneath him tightly. His hair was stuck to his forehead and hung in his eyes. Slowly, he moved his arm to brush the hair off of his face and noticed that he was lying on Ed's coat. He inhaled the sweet scent of Edward from the coat and felt an odd feeling of ecstasy despite his abysmal pain. Well, at least this is better than feeling nothing at all.

Alfons fought against his body and sat up, gritting his teeth in agony. Ed, wake your lazy ass up! He picked up Ed's coat, and something fell out of the left pocket. Alfons picked up the shiny metal object and began to toy with it. It was Ed's gun.

A few feet away, Ed stirred. He mumbled something that sounded like "mommy" and fell limp again. Alfons sat on the bed watching him, his fingers running over the sleek metal of the gun. He suddenly noticed there was an IV in his arm, pumping vital fluids into his body. He ripped it out, blood and water splattering everywhere. Alfons grinned. He licked the fresh liquid pouring out of his arm in delight, enjoying the pain he was recieving around the wound. As Alfons quit indulging in his own misery, he looked down at the sheets underneath him, once immaculate and now tainted by blood.

What am I doing? What the fuck is wrong with me?! Tears fell from Alfons's eyes once he realized what he had done. He looked down at the gash in his arm, which was still pouring out blood. It's over now. I'm really done for this time.

This time. What about last time? Alfons began to search his brain, trying to remember the last thing that happened to him. He looked over at Ed sadly. Has he been living like this for that long?

Painfully, Alfons stood up and walked over to Ed. He kissed him with cold lips. Ed trembled slightly but didn't wake. Alfons staggered back to the bed and put on Ed's coat. He grabbed the gun before walking out of the room, leaving a trail of blood behind him.

Ed woke up to an empty room. He sat up, wide-eyed, and called for Alfons. No reply. He checked on the other side of the bed. Nothing.

The sheets were pulled back and covered in blood. The IV machine was beeping wildly, waiting for the liquid to be replaced. I slept through this? Something warm trickled from Ed's lips. He wiped it off to find that it was blood. Alfons's blood?

A trail of blood on the floor led to the door. Ed went to grab his coat and saw that it was missing. He gasped--so was his gun.

"ALFONS!!!" Ed yelled as he raced down the halls.

Alfons staggered down the hall, gripping his arm in pain. It wasn't feeling good anymore; it was throbbing and agonizing. His vision couldn't be worse--everything was blurry and odd-looking. He collapsed against a door, and it fell with him. Alfons scrambled to his feet again and saw the dim outline of stairs. The roof... He took the steps two at a time, the blood trail behind him getting larger.

At the top was a door that led to the roof. It took more strength than Alfons could muster to get the door to open, so he decided to collapse against this one, too. The door swung open, fresh air greeting Alfons as he stumbled onto the roof. He made it to the railing and looked over the edge. The world beneath him made him sick; he fell to his knees and began to vomit again. Tears streaked down his face slowly.

"Edward..." he choked out as he fell over on his side.

Ed rushed up the stairs as fast as his legs would take him. There was blood on the door at the top, so he opened it quickly, his gloves covered in the thick, red stains.

There, on the roof, lay Alfons. He smiled through the blood, through the tears, through the pain. Ed rushed to the boy, holding him close as tears surfaced in his eyes.

"Ed..." Alfons whispered. "Why the hell... do you put up with me?" Ed pulled back and gazed into Alfons's eyes. Then he looked down at Alfons's arm, which was covered in what seemed like gallons of blood. Ed pulled his coat off of Alfons and pulled him close again.

"You're so stupid," Ed said softly. "I'm here because I love you." Both boys were crying now, hot tears gliding down their faces. Ed pressed his mouth to Alfons's cheek, tasting blood and tears mixed together.

"I'm not gonna make it this time," Alfons murmured, gesturing to his arm. "I'm almost out of blood to bleed."

Ed looked away, not wanting to hear the truth. He saw the gun on the ground and touched it gingerly. "We'll go together then."

"Idiot! You've got your whole fucking life ahead of you!" Alfons half-yelled. "I can't let you waste it because of me."

"Don't kid yourself," Ed said gently. "You are my life." He leaned in and kissed Alfons, lips lingering even after the kiss. "I can't go on without you."

"Crazy..." Alfons gasped, losing the strength to hold himself up and collapsing on Ed. Ed held Alfons close to him, feeling his chest rise and fall. Alfons's breaths were slowing down, and Ed knew he was close to the end.

"Alfons..." Ed whispered, kissing the boy on the forehead. "I'm going to follow you. I promise."

"Okay," Alfons whispered. "Thank you for everything, Ed. I love you so much..."

"I love you more than you'll ever know," Ed replied. He laid Alfons down flat on the roof beneath them and held his hand in his own. This is it... We're going down together, Alfons.

Alfons shut his eyes slowly, and his chest fell for the last time. Ed bit his lip and picked up the gun on the ground next to him. A single tear rolled down his cheek as he tilted his head back and placed the gun beneath his chin.

The shot echoed in his ears as he fell on top of Alfons's body, still gripping his hand.

But will love guide us in death?

-The End-

Sobbing yet? Me too.

If you have the heart to flame me after that, then do it.

The rest of you can share your tears.

xoxo