Random crackfic to break-up the action of my life. HOOYAH! All my favorite pairings, so be warned.
Disclaimer: Lallyzippo has no ownership of anything. Yet. Just wait 'til Carmen takes over the world…yes…
Phoenix Wright: Daring Love Confessions!
"Wright," Franziska grunted.
Across the table from her, Phoenix clenched his teeth, "Von Karma…"
Silence.
"Wright, why am I here?" Franziska clenched her coffee cup, with apprehension. Well, it looked like anger and spite, but that's how most of her emotions looked anyway.
Phoenix took a huge swig of coffee, before slamming the cup down. The bitter taste was practically raping his taste buds. He swallowed all his pride; he wasn't gonna need it, or want it for that matter, right now.
"Von Karma…Franziska…I need to tell you something. Something important."
They stared at each other.
"WHAT?" Franziska screamed out of irritation.
Phoenix took a deep breath. "I—"
"MR. PHOENIX! THERE YA ARE!"
…And then out of no where Lotta Heart appeared and tackled the shocked defense attorney. "Ya sure know how ta kill a gal's heart!"
"WHAT?" Phoenix and Franziska shouted.
"PHOENIX WRIGHT I—"
And she didn't have time to finish because Phoenix had literally leapt out of his chair at the café and fled for his life. What a disaster! Unfortunately for him, Lotta Heart has alotta heart, and never gives up that easily. So, many people watched as Phoenix fled the seen with his unrequited lady love in pursuit.
"Hmph!" Franziska had stood up now to watch and was now stomping her foot in anger. "That fool who foolishly breaks my foolish fool's heart to pursue that foolishly foolish fool! I'm a fool!"
…And not for off in the distance.
"I AIN'T A'STOPPIN' ANYTIME SOON, MR. PHOENIX!"
"WHY? FRANZISKA I LOVE YOUUUUUU!" He screamed as he fled into the distance.
Maya could have sworn she heard Nick screaming about undying love for some prosecutor, as she sat in Wright and Co. Offices munching on some chips. Well, she had always guessed he was gay for Edgeworth, especially after what Mia had said, and what she had seen from Pearl.
And about that time, said prosecutor kicked open the door to Wright and Co. Offices. "Maya!" he yelled.
Maya looked up to see random women hanging off him as he fought his way in.
"Get off me! Please! I can't hit women! It goes against my salary!" he screamed at them.
Being the kind and caring person that she was, Maya ran up and started beating down all the random Edgeworth fangirls. Eventually, it got the point where all the fans (including the infamous Ema Skye fanclub) had been roundhouse kicked except for that old security chick that one bothers to care about. However, it was becoming increasingly obvious that she wasn't moving anytime soon, so Maya and the victim just left her and pretended she wasn't there.
"Thank you, Maya!" Edgeworth beamed. He almost hugged her…but he stopped himself. Real men didn't hug! …Even if he really, really wanted one. Then he felt that elderly woman's grip. He decided he didn't like hugs.
"It's what friends do for each other!" Maya said in a proud voice.
"Actually I came over here to ask you…would you like to…go out sometime?"
Maya's eyes shined. "Oh…Mr. Edgeworth, I would love that!"
His heart beat faster than he even thought possible.
"…But I can't."
And then it shattered. Into a million pieces. ALL OVER HIS BODY. SHE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE JUST TAKEN A FUCKING KNIFE AND CARVED HIS HEART OUT. HIS EMOTIONS WERE BLEEDING OUT OF EXISTENCE INTO THE REALM OF PAIN AND SUFFERING, ALL BECAUSE HE WOULD NEVER LOVE AGAIN EVER FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY—
"I'm sorry, it's just that, I can't hurt my friends for the sake of me," Maya tried to explain, while cupping his hands.
"Wha? What? I don't—"
"If Nick loves you, I'm not going to get in his way. I'm sorry." And with that, Maya fled from the room.
Miles Edgeworth stood silently for a moment. Not doing anything. "Wright…" his voice hissed. "WRIIIIIIIIGHT!"
He ran out of the room to commit murder. Well, first he tripped on Wendy Oldbag. In a rage, he ripped her off and threw her out a window. Then he continued his rampage.
Wendy Oldbag's body was found later, but since no one really cared, the cops said she just died of old age.
Dee Vasquez sat in her room. She sighed as she looked out the window. Another day…Of nothing. That's when she turned her head, and a photograph on her nightstand caught her eye.
She allowed herself to pick it up and look it over.
Her lips snaked themselves into a smile. "Well…not completely nothing. Your killer has departed of his own will," she muttered, almost to herself, as she set it back down.
The producer got up to get ready for the day and opened the curtains. As the light shined through, it further illuminated the photo that represented her reason for life. Miguel would never hug her like in the photograph in the afterlife; not if she didn't at least try to live her life happily and fully.
The Judge sat in his living room. It was a normal Saturday at twelve; he was just sitting on his couch…WITH ALL HIS HOES.
"I'VE GOT HO'S IN DIFFERENT AREA CODES, IN DIFFERENT AREA CODES I'VE GOT..."
The music blasted as slutty ladies walked back and fourth through his living room, wine glasses in hand. Former investigator Angel Starr lay in the corner, unconscious.
Behind the Judge's desk sat the pimpin' judge himself with women on both sides of his lap.
"Don't worry ladies! THERE'S LOT'S OF JUDGE FOR EVERYONE!" the old pimp shouted as he took another sip from his mug of beer.
"Judge, are really the one in charge?" asked one woman, seductively playing her finger down his round belly, that, between you and me, was full of dead babies.
"Well I..." the Judge looked up from her chest to gasp. "FREEZE!" he shouted.
All the women froze, startled by his out burst.
There on the red runway, that for some reason trailed into the living room at the moment, was a small blue badger. It was wearing a little black tuxedo, a leather jacket over it, holding a little helmet, and sitting on a mini motor cycle. It was barely distinguishable.
"Let the badga' through," said Judge coolly.
Everyone looked down at the blue badger in leather that had jumped off of the motorcycle, and was now innocently walking down the runway. They all cleared a space for it to pass through as bimbo's tried to hit on it.
Pearl Fey was fed up. Fed up with that little jerk Cody Hackins! He was always pulling her hair and putting worms in her food, and calling her freak! He was just a big meanie! She had told Mr. Nick and Mystic Maya all about him too! Mr. Nick said that meant he liked her. But then again, Mr. Nick was just a grown-up; he didn't know any better.
Thankfully, Mystic Maya had understood. She had taught her something that she would never forget.
And here he came right now, smiling like a big jerk. "Hey EARL!" he snorted.
…
What a huge dork.
"It's PEARL."
"Whatever," he waved it off. His face suddenly drained. "Oh…My…Gosh…"
"Wh-WHAT? WHAT IS IT?" Pearl turned around in fear of what was about to attack her…only to feel her hair being pulled back a certain jerk. "Ow!"
"Haha! You always fall for that!" he snorted again.
Pearl's face was completely red with anger. "You…BIG…JERK!" And with that, little Pearl kicked with great strength between Cody's legs.
The results were instant, as he fell to the ground in pain. Pearl's eyes widened.
"I've…I've discovered the secret to world domination!" she yelled triumphantly. She then ran off and did the same thing to every single man in the village.
Maya's birthrights were overthrown just for teaching Pearl that.
At Big Berry Circus, things had quieted down for the most part. Just occasionally the police would drop by to make sure that everything was all right.
Officer Meekins was supposed to be investigating the condition of the performers…but watching performances and eating hotdogs was much more fun. The only thing that really threw him off was the Ring Master's weird jokes. But he supposed they were probably cool in the world elsewhere, so he went along with them.
As he was walking along, a monkey randomly attacked his head. "GWAH!" Meekins ran around in circles for a few minutes before hitting a pole. Then snow fell on top of the monkey on his head from above.
The monkey screamed and melted. Meekins was quiet for a moment, before shrugging it off. After all, it was the circus, anything could happen here!
"M-Money…?"
The unfortunate Meekins turned to see the Circus Troupe all behind him, staring. Everyone was silent for a bit.
"…You're a hero!"
"Wha?" But, before he could finish, they all hoisted him up and carried him off and declared him the ultimate remover of pests.
Then Regina declared love for him…and then Max beat the crap out of him.
So Regina and Max ran off and got married…and came back a day later. Regina looked chipper, and Max looked worn out.
"What's wrong Max?" Moe looked at him.
"Well…" Max trailed off. It was very uncharacteristic of Max to be so off. "You see, I just recently found that Regina's father never told her about the birds and the bees…"
"Oh…"
An uncomfortable silence followed.
"So…What'll we tell Acro when he gets back?"
"Oh…" Moe scratched his head. "We'll tell him that the monkey went into a coma."
"Didn't his brother go into a coma?"
"I KNOW!" Moe started laughing really hard. "Life's a bitch, ain't it?"
Then Max started laughing, too, and they laughed and laughed for a long time.
Meekins got the hell outta there before anything else happened.
"I feel pretty …"
Richard Wellington skipped on the street.
"And witty…
And GAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY—"
Richard had skipped himself into a street pole, which conveniently knocked him unconscious.
April May and Redd White sat in a hotel room. Redd was flipping through some news papers 'reading' and April was trying to drink her iced coffee without disturbing him. But then, she realized there was only a small portion of iced coffee remaining in a secluded corner of the cup. It was a gamble; she may bug Redd White…but then she couldn't drink the rest of her precious coffee.
Well, she wasn't called Evil Canevil for nothing.
She quietly set her coffee cup down, so she wouldn't disturb him. Unfortunately, the ice sloshed at the last second.
"WHAT WAS THAT BITCH?" Redd slammed his newspaper down. Then he slapped her across the face.
"EEP! I'msorrypleasedon'thitmeagain!"
Ron and Dessie sat at their counseling agency, with nothing to do. Apparently, not many criminals wanted help. Who knew.
They did get a few hopeful souls, but…they were quite honestly, a little bored. Tomorrow was going to be a busy day, though; tomorrow was Plan Day, the big sale on all their crime plans.
"Hey, Dessie?" Ron cocked his head to the side, "Why do the Police never show up at these things?"
"Oh, Ronnie dear, that would be because they would scare the customers away!"
"Oh! Wow, the Police are really nice to us, aren't they?"
After all, there was no way that a cop was gonna dress up as a criminal and browse with everyone else. Pffft. Yeah, as if. We all know they're not that smart.
Ron and Desiree sat around for a little bit longer, until they were really bored. I mean really, REALLY bored—bored enough to watch a Natalie Portman's acting.
"Dessie, do you feel like watching a Natalie Portman movie?" Ron turned his head.
"No…But I would appreciate it if you would let me lie seductively on your stomach for no apparent reason whatsoever."
"Okay!"
So Desiree lay down seductively on Ron's stomach for no apparent reason whatsoever, and later they made babies. No, really. They had, like, twins whom they named Hikaru and Kaoru. Later in life these two boys went on to become very successful actors, until they realized that they were gay for each other, and started this huge incest scandal in the media.
But that's a different story altogether.
"Don…were we going to a French restraint later?" Viola looked over at her disgruntled business partner.
"Like HELL—" That's when he saw a hand gun pointed in his direction.
"You…will…love…ME…"
"…Yes'm."
Daryan Crescend cried as he held Klavier's hand.
"I…I knew it wouldn't last…but I always told myself it…it..w-would—" He couldn't take it and broke into tears again. He caressed Klavier's hand like it was a fragile treasure, which was breaking. Such a little thing, but yet so dear to him. All the warm memories began to flow back through his body. It had been alright for some time, but he shouldn't have become defensive and protective…It was causing a lot of pain now, within him.
"Will you knock it off?" Klavier glared at the authoress. "All he did was eat some overdue cheese! STOP MAKING IT SOUND LIKE WE'RE GAY OR SOMETHING!"
Daryan sniffled. "My tummy hurts…It tasted so right at the time…"
"Well, whatever. I'm gonna see my ho. Later mein freund!" Klavier hopped on his motorcycle and sped away to Wright's Anything Offices…where he would probably be kicked out by a "concerned father" again.
"Science is great! Try this science-y science thing!"
Apollo poked at it. "It…looks like…fluffy pink handcuffs…"
Ema pounced him.
Wocky Kitaki sat frustrated in a room. "So! That's…great. Almost everyone was paired up…EXCEPT ME!"
The authoress pounced him.
Wocky is pretty darn cute. Ah, well…I was going to do more, but this thing has been sitting on my PC for AGES and I really need to make it feel special and post it now. And uh, I kinda stole the judges' ho joke. Ha...R&R.