Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors. Nor will I ever. Erin Hunter has all the rights to this wonderful series.
A/N: Edited as of 7/21/14, as are all my other fics. I really needed to fix these up. It only took me three or so years to do so! Please enjoy! This is certainly a crack!fic, seeing as cats can't read, understand humans, or eat cookies. I think...
The sunlight warmed her fur as she laid down in her favorite spot. Finally relieved from her warrior duties due to her kits, Hawkpool was more than ready for some time to relax. She stretched out and laid her head on the soft mossy ground.
Unfortunately, it was only a matter of time before a few little animals attacked her unprepared tail. Half ignoring this, she shifted her tail again, moving it back and forth. With squeaks of delight, they attacked her tail.
"Got it!" screeched one of them.
"You have to get it again to get the prize," another meowed in protest.
Moving her tail a little faster, Hawkpool waited until the same voice squeaked in triumph to let her tail relax.
"Got it!" it meowed.
"But… but… you have to catch it again to- to see if you-" the second voice stammered.
"Hand it over."
"Fine… will a twenty due?"
"Fifty."
"Twenty and this cool hat I found that's worth thirty dollars. It glows in the dark, too."
"Deal!"
Hawkpool twitched her ears. What in the name of Starclan were they talking about? Looking up, she meowed, "Okay, what are you guys up to this time- what is all that stuff?" Hawkpool meowed in shock.
The kits tried to hide it behind their backs, but failed miserably. "Move aside," Hawkpool demanded gently.
The kits parted, showing all the stuff behind them. Hawkpool widened her eyes. Behind them was a surprisingly large wad of cash, a few cans of something called 'soda', some twoleg junk food, a few books, some hats, a TV (Hawkpool wondered how she didn't see that before), and a bunch of other stuff.
"Where did you get all this?" Hawkpool asked.
The kits whistled softly. Icekit, the one who seem to be the leader of her siblings, spoke up. "Found it."
"Where- Oceankit, what are you eating?" Hawkpool noticed the gray she-kit in the corner, shoving her face quickly with… something bright orange.
"Spit it out," Hawkpool hissed.
"No!" Oceankit growled between paw-fuls.
"Spit it OUT!"
"NO!"
Oceankit shoved the last paw full in her mouth. She forgot to hide the evidence and Hawkpool dove for the bag that floated in the air. Holding Oceankit back with one paw, she read out loud, "Cheetos…. What in the name of Starclan are Cheetos?"
No kit answered her. Instead Firekit, the only tom in the group, turned on the TV. On it some weird-looking twoleg was talking gibberish. Firekit sat down and opened a book called 'Speaking Twoleg for Dummies'. Firekit picked up and pair of glasses, which were missing the glass part, and said, "well, looks like another bank robbery."
Hawkpool grabbed the book. "How would you know- ooo! And they're holding hostages!" She read the book quietly.
Meanwhile, Icekit and Ivykit were fighting over the controller. "I wanna watch SpongeBob!" Icekit squealed
"Well, I wanna watch Dora the Explorer!" Ivykit squealed back.
"That show is for kits!"
"We are kits! Now hand it over!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
"YES!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Ha! SpongeBob it is!" Icekit meowed.
"Curse you to-"
"Ivykit! Watch your language!" Hawkpool hissed from her book.
Ivykit shot Icekit a glare and sat down. Firekit ran over, still wearing the glasses, making him look smarter than he really was. "Wait! Change it back to the news! I bought a lottery ticket-"
"I'm not even going to ask how," Hawkpool meowed.
"-and I want to see if I won!" Firekit finished as if Hawkpool hadn't said anything.
"Dude," Icekit squeaked, turning around. "That's channel 7."
"Oh, then change it, Quick! I think it's starting!" Firekit squealed.
Icekit quickly changed it to channel 7, and to her great surprise, Firekit was right.
"Okay! And the winning numbers are….. 1… 6…7….3….9…. and 4!" the man announced.
"HOLY FOX-DUNG! I WON THE FREAKING LOTTERY!" Firekit screeched, causing cats to look their way.
"Firekit! Watch your mouth!" Hawkpool growled as the cats went back to their normal business.
"We're Millionaires!" Ivykit meowed happily.
Oceankit shook a can of soda and opened it, causing it to spew all over Hawkpool, who hissed in annoyance.
Icekit picked up a cell phone and dialed the number on the screen. "Hello?" she said. "Yes I'm the winner. YES, I am over 18…. Well maybe I sound like a 6-year-old because there's something WRONG with your stupid phone! Okay the number of my scratch ticket is 167394. Yes…. Uh, hold on."
Icekit turned to Firekit. "Hey… could I borrow your credit card?"
"Why?" Firekit asked.
"Well the moron on the phone wants 'clarification' that I'm actually 18," Icekit hissed, making air-quotes with one paw.
"Oh, okay then. Here you go!" Firekit handed it over.
"Okay…. Sorry about the delay. The number is 1048067483927549. Mm hmm…. Of course my name is Monica Silvers! What, do you think I stole it? Geez! You people these days…. My address? Yeah, its 239084 Maple-tree lane. YES it's a real address! Gosh, do you question EVERYONE you talk to on the phone?" Icekit hissed. "No, I don't own a cat. I just… bit my tongue! Yeah, that's it. Okay… be there tomorrow at 5:00 pm. Okay, bye," Icekit hung up.
"What did he say?" Firekit asked.
"Well, he was swearing half of the time so I didn't catch everything, but at the end he agreed to meet me tomorrow at 5," Icekit meowed.
Oceankit decided it was time to make her apology to Hawkpool. Grabbing a towel and a cookie, she walked over to her. "Sorry 'bout the mess. Have a cookie."
Hawkpool looked at the round-ish thing in disgust. Oceankit saw the look on her face and shoved the cookie in her mouth. "WHAT THE HECK-" Hawkpool started.
Oceankit slapped her in the face. "CHEW!" she demanded.
Reluctantly, Hawkpool did what she was told, rubbing her paw on the part Oceankit slapped. Suddenly, her eyes widened. "Good, huh?" Oceankit asked.
Hawkpool nodded like she was in a trance. She looked around until a particular object caught her attention. Not five feet away from her was a jar that read 'Cookies'. She raced over to it and quickly ripped the thing open. Grabbing one out of the jar, she stuffed a particularly large cookie in her mouth, chewing slowly to preserve the flavor. Not noticing until he got there, Hawkpool jumped when her mate asked, "what are you eating?"
Hawkpool turned around to see Bramblepelt standing over her, eyes wide. Not wanting to stop, she shoved a cookie in his mouth and struck him in the face. "CHEW!" she hissed.
Bramblepelt chewed slowly, then faster as the new warm flavors mixed in his mouth. "Oh my Starclan! This is so freaking good!" He immediately seized another one out of the jar. The brown tabby pushed it in his mouth as Tigerblaze and his mate Amberhawk came over.
"Uh… what are you guys eating?" asked Amberhawk curiously.
Hawkpool and Bramblepelt took some cookies and thrust them in their mouths. They back-pawed their faces and yelled, "CHEW!"
The two brown tabbies nodded, satisfied when their eyes widened in amazement. Soon every cat in the clan gathered before them, all receiving slaps in the face and loving it. When the final cat came and Hawkpool reached to grab another cookie, she grabbed thin air. Panicked, she turned around only to see that the cookie jar was gone. Taken aback, she looked up to see Tigerblaze running away with said missing item.
Hawkpool let out a growled and began to race after him with the rest of the clan following close behind. Not noticing, they crossed the border into Moonclan. A patrol spotted them, yowling in alarm while giving chase. When they asked what the problem was, Ashstar told them about the cookies. They joined in the chase, and when they passed Moonclan camp, the whole clan came over and started to chase after the cookies.
Next, they crossed Seaclan border. The same thing happened until their clan was also chasing the cookie thief. Last of all, they crossed the border to Grassclan. Naturally, the swift-footed felines accompanied them on their pursuit. In a single period of unity, all four clans joined together to catch the pesky tabby holding their precious treats.
Said tabby knew a lost cause when he was face with one, so he turned around and stopped, causing everyone else to halt in their steps. They all watched Tigerblaze with wary eyes.
Hawkpool stepped forward. "Put the cookie jar down if you know what's good for you!" she threatened.
Tigerblaze shook his head and put his paw in the jar. He picked up a cookie and held it up for all the cats to see.
"Don't do it Tigerblaze!" someone yelled from the crowd, their voice filled with utter horror.
It was too late. He shoved it in his mouth, chewing loudly. Everyone flinched. A few cats even went as far as to pass out where they stood, the very sight of such an outrage being too much for them to handle. Gasps sounded as he dove for another one. The heartless tom continued shoving them into his mouth with no end in sight.
"Have mercy!" another cat yelled.
Tigerblaze slowly took the last cookie out of the jar. He held it in front of his face, staring at it longingly. Just as he was about to put it in his greedy mouth, he was attacked. Hawkpool stood over him, eyes fierce and glowing with a fiery rage. She growled, "Put. The. Cookie. DOWN."
Tigerblaze dropped the cookie in shock and Hawkpool snatched it up the instant it fell from his grasp. She yowled in triumph and took a tiny bite. "Okay, everyone only gets one tiny bite!" she announced.
Hawkpool handed it to a Grassclan Warrior, who took a tiny bite. He then passed it to a Seaclan she-cat who bit it and passed to Ivykit, who took a tiny bite, then passed it to a Moonclan apprentice, who took a tiny bite, paused, and shoved the whole thing in his mouth.
All the cats that hadn't had a bite groaned. They glared down at the apprentice, who crouched down with his ears back, cheeks filled with the crumbly goodness. The only thing that saved the poor tom's life was a tiny voice that shouted, "I know where to get MORE!"
Everyone looked at Icekit, whom was sticking her tiny little chest out in pride. She walked over to the front and said, "follow me!"
And so, they barged into a twoleg place, chased every twoleg in sight out and raided their homes, taking all the twoleg food with them.
So we can all thank Oceankit, who introduced the cookie to all the cats in the clans.