(A/N) This is the beginning of the end guys. I've decided that I'm going to write this with multiple endings, so... be ready for that I guess. So far I have 5 bad endings planned, 1 neutral, 1 good, and one true ending. This... this is gonna hurt whoops.

Blackfallstar9: You are so sweet I literally can't. I was so worried that you had lost interest in us and in this fic. I'm so glad that you are still with us and that you are going to stick with us through all of this. I literally cry every time I read all of your reviews and I read them every time I get sad. Thank you so much fuck ughhh.

Sweet-Strawberry-09: Thank you so much for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed it enough to read through the whole thing in one sitting. It really is a feat, and I'm glad that you took the plunge.

The rain made him indescribably sad. It always bummed him out, but now he found himself unable to leave his bed when the humidity shot up and the scent of rain water permeated the air around him. Shizuo had never felt the pain of a heartbreak. He'd never allowed anyone in deep enough to have their sudden absence actually hurt him. Itzal's sudden abandonment left him confused, and sad, and undeniably hurt. Everything hurt now.

He thought it would have been okay. Maybe he's just as dumb as Izaya says he is, because it obviously wasn't. When he revealed his identity, he was sure that it was okay. He was so sure that Itzal was going to still love him, even if he was just the monster of Ikebukuro. His entire posture read fear. His shoulders shook, his knees buckled, even the dim glow of his eyes died entirely in horror. He left with a cry that reverberated with his pain and vanished in a cloud of black.

It was so cold for so long after that.

He felt betrayed– Shizuo had put so much trust into Itzal and now that was nothing. It took so much courage to do what he did. He opened up, and let this stranger into his heart and into his life, and for what? To be tossed aside the minute he tore down that final barrier to this other person; someone else with inhuman powers. Someone else who was a monster.

Yeah.

That's all Shizuo was.

He could see it in the way the people on the streets looked at him. He could see it in the way that his friends and family tiptoed around every passing second they spent in his company. But most important of all, he could see it in the way that Itzal left him.

And not just Itzal.

Things had finally been getting better between him and Izaya, and abruptly, that flea had vanished too. Twelve years of being at each other's throats, and Izaya was the one to make the first move to fix it. It had always been Izaya. Izaya was the one that spotted him on the first day. Izaya had been the one to pick the fight when Shinra had first introduced them. Izaya had been the one to get him arrested and fired, and to show up just so that he would always be at the forefront of the other's mind.

And Izaya had been the one to call it quits on the rivalry.

He had reached out to Shizuo, and Shizuo found trust in that. He liked the way that Izaya would smile at him– really smile at him. It wasn't that smirk that cut much sharper than his laugh, or the fire of adrenaline and passion in his eyes, or even the knives he just loved to throw at Shizuo.

He just didn't understand it.

Why did he leave? Better yet– where did he go? At least if he knew that he could go find Itzal.

Or Izaya... for that matter.

Shinra told him about Izaya's sudden absences. His job was dangerous, and if things got a little too heated, then he would need to step out. That wasn't abnormal. The weird thing was that nothing seemed to have happened to cause Izaya's absence. The yakuza had stepped back for the time being, from what Shizuo had heard. They took a major hit to one of their lines– at least that's what the whispers on the street had said.

Shizuo had never really paid attention to any of the rumors until Izaya's name was laced in with them. Most were the basic, "He's been sent away for field work," or the occasional, "He's spying on some people." But then there were the ones that told of Izaya's blood spilled across concrete floors and bullets lodged in his brain, finally stopped of its rapid processing. There were the rumors of his body lying in a ditch with his knees bent at wrong angles and his head severed on Shiki's desk. There were the rumors of Izaya chained to walls being beaten and raped on the daily by angry clients. The idea of Izaya dead– actually gone from this world– made Shizuo want to throw up and scream all at the same time. He had never realized just what an impact Izaya had made on him.

Even before they had entered their carefully maintained friendship, Izaya was always running laps in Shizuo's mind. The second they had met, the smell of the musty basements he worked in violently assaulted Shizuo and a voice of bitter honey taunted him, and from then on, Izaya was all that Shizuo could think about. Izaya distracted him from everything. He pulled Shizuo's focus from school, from his family, from his success, but he was also there to pull away everything about his fights, his inadequacy, his regrets, and his violence. He was never afraid of Shizuo, and no matter how much that had annoyed him when they first met, he craved it now that he was gone. Izaya had never once looked at him like he was a monster. Sure, he called him one a lot, but it was always said with a playful lilt and a smile that never quite seemed to meet Izaya's eyes.

Izaya was really pretty when he smiled. When the gentle upturn of his lips stayed that way as the brightness lit up the rest of his face. His eyes were always especially expressive when he wasn't paying enough attention to stop them. It wasn't just his smile that was pretty now that Shizuo had really thought about it. Izaya had an odd face– it was rounded enough to make him look feminine and also sharp enough to make him look dangerous. His eyes were leering, equally so to match his teeth and tongue. The mahogany glow of them was wrapped in contrastingly thick lashes. Shizuo thought they were long enough to send a tsunami over the Japanese coast when they fluttered. His inky black hair looked as soft as silk as it laid on his head. Shizuo remembers an instance in high school, when Izaya had worn the girls uniform when the dean finally forced him into blue, he had two little clips pinning his bangs back against his forehead. He looked good like that– nails polished red, mascara coating his already impossibly long lashes, and the slight red tint his plump lips. Technically, he didn't specify which uniform Izaya had to wear, so Izaya flounced up the steps in a too short skirt with a too wide swing in his hips.

Yeah, Izaya was pretty distracting, but now he was gone, and with him, went the color of Shizuo's life. When he and Itzal vanished, Shizuo noticed how monochromatic the world really was, and that only reminded him further of the two. Every flash of black or red or white or every fur lined jacket hit like a stab directly into his heart. He missed them both dearly. Not only did their loss affect him like losing a limb, but Varona's betrayal left him jaded and angry. Now he didn't even have Izaya to talk to about it– not that he would. He couldn't trust that informant as far as he could throw him, especially not with a secret as big as that, but he could get there. When they first went to lunch, way back on that very awkward lunch date, Shizuo got to see what Izaya was really like. He wasn't this holy beacon of perfection and grace. He was awkward and funny. He was one of those people who's big brain overwhelmed his social skills, and he stuttered and he fell, and maybe that was okay.

He was by no means excusing Izaya's behavior. He was a dick. He was inconsiderate to those around him and selfish and greedy, but he was trying. Izaya was trying to be a better person, and he was apologizing, and he was making amends but now he was gone. He had vanished without a trace, and no one– not Shinra, not Celty, not Namie– no one would talk to him about it. Celty would try, but he thought she knew even less than him. Namie would outright ignore him. Shinra would just continue to say that he was okay. When Shizuo would ask where he went, Shinra would say away, and then he'd say that it would take some time, but he thinks Izaya will come back when he is ready.

"It's just really hard for him right now."

Shizuo drags his hand through his hair. "What do you mean?"

"He had an epiphany, of sorts," Shinra smiles over the rim of his coffee cup, "He's hurting, and needs time to recover before he assesses what's wrong with him running."

"But why won't he come talk to me about it? He said we were friends. Aren't friends supposed to help each other?" Shizuo sounds a little desperate to Shinra.

His friends were so stupid. Sure, Izaya was supposed to be the smart one, but this level of idiocy was just ridiculous. As usual, Shinra thinks that both of their problems would be solved if they just talked about it together. After all, that's what they were... together. They were together, the two of them, even if they didn't know it, and Shinra wants to tell. By God, he wants to tell Shizuo, but Izaya had an anxiety attack when he brought the idea up over the phone, and the last thing Shinra wants to do is cause Izaya to start cutting again.

He was sure that he already had.

He knew that the longer Izaya had stayed away and had lived and breathed this self hatred caused by some reckless ideology of Shizuo's affections, the more and more Izaya's skin would be cut open to bleed. Of course, it wasn't all because of Shizuo. Izaya had a lot of problems of his own already. As much as he put up a front of being completely in control, he was a mess. There's only so much abuse someone can take before they crack, and unfortunately, Izaya hit his peak at a young age. His parents made him feel unwanted and awful. His sisters did the same. His first love took advantage of him to the point that Izaya nearly killed himself then. He fell in love with someone that wanted him dead the entirety of their relationship for the first ten years. And then he finally finds a way to allow himself to be happy with that person, but he throws it away over some decision he made without the other's opinion.

Izaya was stupid. He was so stupidly fragile that the slightest bit of pressure against that paper heart of his tore it to shreds. Shinra hated Izaya's parents for letting him feel so unloved that when the first time he got affection, he latched onto it no matter how awful and abusive it had been. He hated Shiki for taking advantage of Izaya's trusting nature and breaking him down to nothing. Shizuo was supposed to be the good one– the end game for Izaya's suffering. But here he was, sitting in Shinra's house complaining about how much he missed Itzal and Izaya both without realizing that they were the same fucking person.

Shinra had figured that Celty would want him to just tell Shizuo considering how much he was obviously hurting about it, but surprisingly, she had told him not to betray Izaya's trust. Unfortunately, she didn't know what Shinra knew about Izaya and his... self destructive habits. He constantly tried to coax Izaya into just telling Shizuo, but Izaya would always just shut off. He wouldn't even respond once Shinra changed the topic.

What ever was happening to Izaya, it concerned Shinra. When Izaya had said he was planning on buying Bran Castle, Shinra was quick to discourage it. Not only was that place the cacophony of Izaya's shitty experiences, but there was just something not right about the structure as a whole. It was a place of bloodshed, and with Izaya's powers mirroring something of a physical clairvoyancy, it didn't sit right with Shinra. Why would someone constantly tormented by the dead go somewhere that he know agitates his powers if not because he thinks he deserves the punishment?

Either way, Izaya was just as stubborn as his star sign would predict. He packed up shop and headed East, dealing information at half the speed from Romania. That had been about two months ago, and Ikebukuro had sure felt his absence. With Izaya's absence, nobody knew what was going on. The Dollars were constantly at the Yellow Scarves throats and the Blue Squares were running amuck instigating these alterations. Izaya wasn't there to hear about it first, so he couldn't tell the yakuza, and they couldn't stop it. Hell, they didn't even know what was happening until one of their deals was halted on the grounds of a turf war by a bunch of silly children in way over their heads. It was dangerous to be on the streets, but at least business was booming for Shinra.

Shizuo sighs again as his forehead meets the countertop. "I just wish that he would have said something to me before he left. Just a goodbye or something! Some sign that he was going to come back eventually."

"Itzal or Izaya?"

"Both," he groans.

"Well," Shinra continues, "I know exactly how you feel about Itzal. What about Izaya?"

"What do you mean?" Shizuo asks quizzically.

"Well it's my understanding that you loved Itzal." Shinra pauses while Shizuo nods through his flush. "How did you feel about Izaya?"

Shinra suspects that he already knows the answer. It's obvious to him, and to Celty, who asked him about it recently. Even Tom came questioning the nature of their dates. Of course, both parties refused to acknowledge it– Shizuo saying it was no different than his outings with Tom, and Izaya chalking it up to wishful thinking on his part. It kills Shinra to see them like this. Shizuo is so painfully in love with Izaya, and if Izaya's wrists were worth anything, it's a true testament to how much it was hurting him. He couldn't give Shizuo all of the credit. Shiki had accounted for most of the cuts, but Shinra had been the cause for more than a few.

The problem was, Izaya was a lot smarter than Shizuo, not just in a logical aspect, but a pathological one as well. He knew what love felt like. He knew when he had fallen in love with Shizuo. Unfortunately, Izaya also knew how to hide it. Shinra had known him for years, however. He had known that Izaya had ways of getting out his emotions, and unfortunately they weren't pretty. Why couldn't he do something like art or music? No. Izaya had to carve his skin open in orderly little lines like the streets cutting the city into neat, even portions of blocks in his path to getting away from everything. From Shizuo, from Shiki, even from Shinra himself– Izaya was always running. He is such a coward sometimes that Shinra wonders how he got the position he has, but he knows that Izaya's got a big brain, and a fast mouth, and can get about anything he wants if he really wants it. That is, unless he wholeheartedly believes that thing is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, unobtainable.

"What do you mean?"

"Izaya's my friend, too– actually, he's been my friend longer than he's been yours– and you don't see me freaking out about his absence."

"Well, you're used to it," he declares, sure of himself in every fiber of his bones.

This isn't weird, he thinks. It's completely normal to be this concerned.

"Used to what?"

"To Izaya! To him just vanishing without telling anyone where he went or when he's coming back, if he's coming back at all. What if he's dead, Shinra? What if he's lying in some shallow grave in the middle of nowhere– just dropped there to get rid of him." His volume drops with his shoulders.

Shinra laughs, "Such is the life of an info-broker, Shizuo. You know this."

"This isn't funny. He could be dead out there and you can't even be bothered to care."

"He's not dead, Shizuo."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because he called me this morning."

"He what? Is he okay? Is he coming back?" Shizuo's questions spit out at rapid fire. The empty shells of the bullets that shot off his tongue tap against the floor of his brain when he notices the way Shinra is smirking at him. "What?" he demands.

"I'm not sure if Izaya will come back this time. He vanishes when things get really bad for him."

"Is he in danger?"

"Metaphorically, yes. He'll destroy himself at the rate he's going."

"What's wrong with him?" Shizuo whispers. "I want to help him."

Shinra sighs, "I can't tell you, despite how much I want to. It's not my place."

"I know they're together," Shizuo declares.

Shinra pauses and sets his tea down. "I'm sorry?"

"I know they're together," he repeats. "Izaya and Itzal. I can feel it. You know they are, don't you?"

"I can tell you they're really, really close," Shinra smirks.

Shizuo cocks an eyebrow, but doesn't ask him to elaborate.

"Maybe," Shinra continues, "You should go sniff around his apartment. I can't give you the number he's contacting me from, but if you find it… I'm sure he wrote it down somewhere for his secretary before he left."

Shizuo's already out the door when he turns around again.