Original story and author by imnotevil
A Haikyuu! Fan Fiction
Available on AO3 with a same title
#Grammar mistakes corrected by myself, please tell me if there's still any mistake.
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Summary : At the time when Bokuto graduate and leave him behind, Akaashi felt empty.
Pairing : Bokuto Koutarou x Akaashi Keiji
Rating : G
Tags : Mostly narrative, Mutual pinning, Friends to lover, Future fic, WARNING! Vague / jumping timeline (may cause confusion), English is not my native language
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A/N: "The title is from Clean Bandit – Symphony ft. Zara Larsson which also inspire me to write this fic. Except for Bonus: Bonus, every conversation in italic means it happen in the past."
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Every Day You're Here, I'm Healing
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The first time he knew that boy, to Akaashi, Bokuto was...a picture perfect of a living shenanigan. Loud, high spirited, tough, and random; something Akaashi never encounter before. He was the one who turned Akaashi's life upside down, which, of course, in an amazing, unforgettable and great kind of way. And also the one who pulled Akaashi from his monotone, dull days and replace it with days full songs and colors.
Akaashi swore, he would never forget that boy.
Before Fukurodani, Akaashi went to a different middle school, and except for a common knowledge that Fukurodai was a powerhouse, Akaashi know nothing about this school's volleyball team, let alone knowing how's the people inside. He only hope that, when he wrote his name on that applying paper, he'll get along with them. The reality turned out a lot better than that.
And all thanks to no one but that loud boy with a weird, two tones of black and white, Igo stones, hair.
"Doesn't it tiring?" Konoha asked at one random evening on their Friday practice. "Dealing with Bokuto, I mean."
Akaashi went silent for a moment, eyes watching their captain like a hawk. A captain who just slumped on the bench, ears gone deaf for Komi's constant yell. "Will it, break, our team's dynamic if I answer?"
Konoha laughed at that, and thus, the question's forgotten.
That was when Akaashi still a second year and the team still practice for the upcoming Harukou. But he wasn't a kouhai anymore. He was the senpai, he was the team captain with his own graduation in sight. It wasn't an unknown territory for Akaashi since he was more a captain than a vice back then, and yet, he felt something's not right each time he stood with his team when they lined up before the match, each time he shake hand with their opponent's team captain, or the time when he yell to rise up his team's spirit. Because it wasn't his job back then. And it felt it still is even until now. He missed those days, he missed his old team, he missed playing with his senpais. He missed playing with Bokuto.
Ah, no.
He missed Bokuto in person.
The boy who always dragged Akaashi to wherever he want to. The one and only who always shout his name on his classroom door almost immediately after the bell rang – which always make Akaashi wonder because third year's wing was that far away from his class. A boy who introduced Akaashi to the rooftop on his second day as a freshman, and also the same person who makes that place more comfortable.
Since his first day as a third year, maybe because of that reason, Akaashi ate his lunch in his classroom. Rooftop somehow become a forbidden place for him even only for spending some of his time. He tried to hang out with some of his classmates, he tried to get used to spend his day without a certain someone yelling his name from every corner of the school, he tried to get used to the calm, the quieter volleyball practice at the gym. Still, he was the one who always stays late during practice. Stood in the middle of the gym, with only a constant squeak! of his shoes or the loud thump! of the ball hitting the floor accompany him.
Extra practice was never this quiet before.
It's still fresh in Akaashi's mind, the two most special moments in his life which related to Bokuto and volleyball. As if it just happened yesterday and not many months ago. The first was when they won their official match where Akaashi played as their setter for the first time. Not as a regular, since he was still a first year, but their setter was injured and Akaashi was the only one who had that position. It was hard, both for him and for the whole team since they rarely practice together. But Bokuto always shouting his name, asking for a toss over and over again like a starving predator. And Akaashi never failed to answer.
The score turned into 31-29 for Fukurodani when the time pointing at 47 minutes after Akaashi stepped in the battleground, proudly fighting for his school's name with his comrades. The crowd exploded cheering for their victory, and they scream in unison challenging their supporter above. And that was when the thing happened.
When Bokuto suddenly dive in front of Akaashi only to swept him up with a loud whoop of joy.
He remembered he gone deaf that day, no sound echoing through his ear as Bokuto spun him around. All of his senses only centered on how he felt Bokuto's warm body against his, and realize just how perfectly fit they were. It took some days for Akaashi to, at last, lose the goosebumps feeling of Bokuto's touch that linger. And some other days for the team to finally stop teasing him.
Only him, because it seems Bokuto immune to those cat calls and others.
Since that time, Bokuto always demand to their coach to make Akaashi as his setter on his extra practice.
The second, though, wasn't that...good, to remember. But still, it made Akaashi certain just how great it was to be able to play volleyball with Bokuto. How he didn't want it to stop. And that was the reason why Akaashi count this as his special memory about his special senpai.
It was the moment when they lose to Karasuno in Harukou.
It didn't feel the same as when they lose in the Summer Inter High. Because that time he knows Bokuto and the rest of the third year wouldn't have a heart to abandon the team. He sure they would come back for Harukou. Meaning, there was still time for them to play as a team, to once again beat themselves together to sharpening their skills until they went black and blue. To taste the victory and be the champion.
There was still time for Akaashi to claim the podium with Bokuto stood as proudly as himself on his side.
Sadly, all of those hope vanished as the whistle rang in the air. A nasty evidence that there would be no more tomorrow for them. Akaashi had anticipated for Bokuto's sour mood after the match ended, preparing himself with enough ammo to brough Bokuto's mood back again. But what he didn't anticipate was, there, stood face to face with Karasuno's duo freak, was the most confident Bokuto Akaashi ever saw. Something stirs inside Akaashi's chest upon watching that mesmerizing figure, made him stunned, with a lump started to form inside his throat. He had to clear his throat twice before he had a voice to call Bokuto to line up with the rest of the team.
That was the last time Akaashi saw Bokuto stood on the field wearing Fukurodani's jersey with a proud puffed in his chest. Also, that was the time when Akaashi realize that that number would belong to other people after he left. The deepest part of his heart refused to accept it, which immediately made him got scolded by his sense for being that silly. Despite his calm behaviour throughout the end of the game, Akaashi remember crying on his bed sheet that later night.
Once, he ever made a mistake by calling Bokuto's name when he set for his new spiker. Whom by chance, share a same number as Bokuto. Despite the knowing look everyone gave him, no one has ever brought it up, as if it never happens to them. Akaashi was torn between grateful and ashamed.
The second time Akaashi crying in his sleep was the night after he spent his lunch with Bokuto on the rooftop. It all began with as cliche as it sound : it was just the two of them, sat under the blue sky with back resting on the railing. Bokuto had long since he ate his last meal while Akaashi still munching on his lunch, ears never betray every story Bokuto tell. He was in the middle of telling another Sarukui's silly moment when a big Boeing flew low above them, cutting Bokuto's voice with its deafening jet engine soaring through the sky. They kept silent and gawking at the sight until the plane was far enough, Bokuto start to speak again.
"Hey, hey, Akaashi, have you rode that thing before?"
"Once, when I'm six, I think."
"What!? Aw man, you are so lucky you know. I always want to fly even only once. Why don't I go to college instead and become a pilot? And you'll definitely be the first person I'll take to fly, Akaashi."
"Bokuto-san, the first person you'll take to fly must be your mentor, not me."
"Akaashi! You know what I mean!"
"Ah, yeah. I'm sorry Bokuto-san."
Bokuto 'humph'-ed before throwing his back to the railing, making it rattle with a rather loud sound. With a crossed arms and chin turned upward to the sky, the ace of Fukurodani continued. "It has to be you, the first person who tastes my flight once I become a pilot. Because I want to share that excitement of flying with no one else but you!" He smiled. Smiling the bright and blinding enthusiastic smile he has always shown to Akaashi when he got eager with something.
It was really hard for Akaashi to fight back the blush which alarmingly began to warming his neck. Many come backs formed in his mind and though most of all was sarcasm, he chose to went with, "That was, so kind of you, Bokuto-san."
"Right? Right? And whenever I fly, you'll also be there because I'll always give you a free ticket – oh! Or you can be my co-pilot! How's that Akaashi? Like captain and vice captain in volleyball team you'll always beside me! And together we'll wreck the aviation world!"
As fast as that warm feeling came, it's gone. "I hope not in a bad way."
"Akaashi! Why you always like this?!"
"I'm only being reasonable here, Bokuto-san." He gulped his last bite, silently thanking Bokuto's last sentences which had a good job for ruining all of those smooth talk. "Besides, weren't you saying you want to be a pro after you graduated?"
"Well, shoot! I'm changing my mind now."
Akaashi sighed, he didn't want to deal with emo Bokuto after a meal. Well, at anytime, actually. But as much as it drained his mental health sometimes, Bokuto's shifting mood always amazed Akaashi. And that was a small part of Bokuto's songs and colors which he gave to Akaashi and, little did he know, that second years setter treasure dearly. "Bokuto-san, there's another way for you to fly without being a pilot." Akaashi paused after he told Bokuto an option, to let it slip inside Bokuto's mind and let that older male calming for a little bit. But the option Akaashi going to say wasn't something that raven haired boy comfortable with. "Be a pro like what you dream of, Bokuto-san, and once you become one, you'll travel far enough you'll need a plane for a transport. How's about that?" The blinding bright which shone from Bokuto's eyes had helped Akaashi to at least loosening the tightrope on his chest. He kept in silence as the third year hooting with joy and showering him with compliments about how genius he was for coming with such idea. But that invisible rope had come back to restrain Akaashi from breathing as he heard what Bokuto said next.
"...fly together because we are teammates! And maybe we'll share a seat next to each other! Akaashi! You are a perfect genius!"
Akaashi only smiled at that, with a soft, "Yeah, maybe we can," spoken under his breath.
It stings, because he knew that future wouldn't happen. Because between both of them, it's only Bokuto who would continue in volleyball and become a pro while Akaashi spending the rest of his youth burying his nose in a textbook. Which mean, when Bokuto flew to somewhere away from Japan, Akaashi wouldn't be there sitting beside him. Graduation was hard for Akaashi to face, even practice that morning had drenched his mood to the worst. Sure the third year was there, but it was different between playing with them and having them watching from afar. So, imagining Bokuto leaving Japan? Leaving him? It stings. But still, Akaashi had to smile for the sake of Bokuto's happiness. He could only express his true feelings when he was alone in his dark bedroom. Pouring every sadness to his innocent pillow.
Akaashi never thought he was a suicidal type until he met Bokuto.
Of course Akaashi still keep in contact with his senpais. Bokuto still constantly sending him some random texts followed by Konoha and Sarukui, though, of course, Bokuto took the trophy. He also texted with Washio, albeit it wasn't as often as with the three above, and Komi's texts mostly about giving Akaashi some advise on a lesson he struggle with. But it wasn't the same as talking to them in person. It wasn't the same as facing Bokuto in person.
They did call to each other sometimes, Bokuto and him. Most of the time, Bokuto calls when he wants to complain about his new team which, from what Akaashi's conclude from Bokuto's stories, having a hard time dealing with him. But what made it hard for Akaashi was most of those complains always ended up with Bokuto's confess on how much he want to get back to high school and played with his old teammates again, which never fail to remind Akaashi with a memory of Bokuto's confession on that January night, before Nekoma and Karasuno's match. The small, yet noticeable difference between that one night confession and these all of Bokuto's confession was something he said at the very last of his long grumble. How he always ended his sentences with a merciless, "I miss your toss, Akaashi." or just a simple "Man! I hope you are here!" and ironically, though Akaashi always want to told Bokuto just how much the feeling was mutual, he said to his former captain to be patient instead. To take his time. To believe that he would get along with his new teammates just fine. To man up and move on because life wouldn't stuck in the past.
Akaashi wanted to believe his own words.
To say that the dull and monotone had back to Akaashi's life wasn't wrong. Practice was just like what he had back then in middle school. School life was just another day he didn't spend inside his house. Exam and college entrance exam started to chocking him. Every morning he woke up, the first thing Akaashi always thought was how much he missed his musics and colors. How much he wanted to go back to his previous two years of life.
The only way Akaashi could satisfy his desire to hear and watch those long lost musics and colors was when their senpais invite him to their small reunion.
It wasn't always five of them – six, if we include Akaashi, sometimes Komi absent due to his project, sometimes it was Washio, and even Konoha often absent from their gathering whereas he was the one who always forcing Akaashi to participate. But amongst them, Bokuto was the hardest one to summon. Most of his schedules clashed with the other's, he was free when everyone not, and when they were agreed with their next appointment, he had to attend yet another volleyball practice. It's such a disappointment for Akaashi, but it didn't dampen his excitement to meet his senpais. Just, if he was a glass of water, he felt half filled. What could he do, though? Bokuto was a new kid in that volleyball academy, and Akaashi was no one to Bokuto than a mere friend who happen to be his favorite. He wasn't Bokuto's parents who could command to their child to come home because they missed him so much. Nor a lonely wife waiting for their husband to come home after a long call of duty. He could only restrain himself from showing his disappointed face each time he stepped his feet and found no Bokuto at there.
'Just another day I lost my chance', was what kept repeating to remind himself. Because Akaashi knew, what he got when they met will worth the wait. And it always warmed Akaashi's heart each time he comes face to face with that former ace, about just how much that loud owl didn't change. Akaashi's name was the first he shouted when he arrive, he always picks a seat near to that setter even if it already occupied by someone else, never hesitate to eat Akaashi's food which, of course, he gave in with pleasure, and always – and by always its mean every single time they met – asked Akaashi about his days then praising him even for just a small stunt he made. Of course, with that fascinated face which always melted Akaashi. But above all of that, were those small touches Bokuto did to Akaashi. A brush to his forearm, those pats on his back, an heavy arm around his shoulder, the warmth of Bokuto's whole body when he leaned to Akaashi.
People always wonder why he wants to hang out with Bokuto. They always ask how could he deal with Bokuto's random mood like it's just a second breath for him. They always said that he had a patient of a saint. Akaashi didn't give them a response. The answer was clear yet risky enough. It wasn't just a platonic feeling he had for that boy, Akaashi always realizes that. It was something more. A thing he afraid to let it loose because he believe, if he allow it to flow, it would destroy everything : their friendship, their team's dynamic, the way everyone thought about them if they know. Basically, their life. So, back in his second year, when Konoha mentioned this to him, it nearly caused Akaashi to die with a heart attack.
"You're not as subtle as you think you are, you know." Both Akaashi and Konoha chose their break time to stand at the doorway, facing a cooler October breeze with the sound of gym activities as their backsound. "Not that I mind, though. We are free to like who we like, right?" He quickly added as he senses Akaashi's distress.
Fear began to soar through Akaashi's vein as a chill ran down his spine. He gripped tight his water bottle to cover his trembling hands and imagining how's his voice would sound before he dare to voice out his thought. "Who else know about this, Konoha-san?" still, his sound was wavering.
His senpai glanced into the gym before eyes back to Akaashi. "No one ever talk about this, so I assume it's just me."
"Oh." A pause, and then, "Please don't tell anyone about this, Konoha-san. I'll try to fix this."
"'Fix this'? There's nothing to fix – why don't you try to tell him instead?"
"I can't!" Akaashi didn't mean to sound angry, it's just, his previous fear had turned to irritation as he recalled how impossible it was for his feeling to get returned, or worst, if it gets returned, bad things would happen instead of good ones. He quickly apologizes to Konoha who raised an eyebrow to him. Clearly surprised by Akaashi's outburst. "It's better this way."
Without seeing Konoha's face, Akaashi knew his senpai didn't agree with him. So he didn't much surprise when Konoha said, "Huh, is that so?" But it did surprise him when that shady haired boy continued with, "Care to explain why? It's just a wonder though. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." That second year setter went silent for a moment before finally chose to pour every doubt he had in his mind. And it felt like half of a load had been lifted from his shoulder when he finished. "Oh, so that's why you asked me that that time." It was a statement and it sounds final to Akaashi. They went back to another silent before Akaashi announcing his leave, but not until that setter stepped up, Konoha said, "About what you said before, yes, I won't tell anyone."
"Thank you, Konoha-san. I appreciate that."
"But, seriously Akaashi, there's nothing to fix. Just, please stop overthinking 'bout everything, 'kay?" He only got a half heartedly 'yeah' from Akaashi, but thankfully Konoha didn't demand anything else.
Their conversation stopped at there. Akaashi left the wing spiker alone, back into the gym with an uneasy and suspicious feeling when he caught Konoha staring at him with something in his eyes. His senpais always said that Akaashi good at reading people, it was proven on his first day he joined the Fukurodani Volleyball Club and he could handle that over energetic owl easily, so that time he believe that what he saw from Konoha wasn't disgust. It was something else. A thing he couldn't pick, which he knew it didn't threatening, but enough to make him nervous.
Two months before Akaashi graduated, he finally found the meaning of that look.
It seems, having people kept telling Akaashi just how good he handles Bokuto has failed him to see the big picture.
Konoha was the first and also the only one who knew about Akaashi's feeling. And much to Akaashi's relief, he kept the secret to himself. But it turned out it wasn't just Akaashi's secret that he kept from the others. He held a secret that will change Akaashi's life forever. A secret Akaashi really want to hear since he joined the team and realizing his feeling. A secret to get his musics and colors back, and hopefully, forever stays in his life. Konoha was the key to that door, and yet, he chose to let them find their own way. He didn't mean to be cruel, just, someone prevent him from doing that.
It started with a text message on a Saturday night from Bokuto, saying that Komi had a small party to, and he quotes, "Celebrating our postponed new years celebration!" and Bokuto want him to come along. Akaashi remembered he had received a same invitation this afternoon from the host himself, and cursing for forgetting to give his answer – which was a rejection because apparently he had his own date with some of his friends that night. It wasn't unusual for Bokuto, instead of Konoha, to invite Akaashi. That owl-man always text him when he 120% sure he would attend their gathering. However, what made the invitation seem odd to Akaashi was, along with the text, he received three missed calls and five more texts asking – begging – Akaashi to come around. Bokuto was never that persistent before, well, not after he graduated and move to the academy. He asked Konoha if something happened to Bokuto only to receive a 'why don't you find out yourself instead?' and a wink emoji following later.
With a big question mark hung above his head, Akaashi texting his friend saying he's sorry for not coming then set off to his senpais.
Akaashi was the last person who came to their gathering. It's strange, since its suppose to be Bokuto or Washio who always did that and not him. He saw everyone was there as he opened the small yet comfortable Yakiniku restaurant's door, even this time he found Shirofuku sat between Sarukui and Washio. The sight had brought back many memories and if it's not because of Bokuto's loud voice calling his name, maybe Akaashi still stood there dumbfounded. He found a spot beside his former captain and immediately know to whom that chair belongs to, which he took without a second thought. Everything went smoothly that night, with no indication for Bokuto's strange behaviour nor Konoha's hidden intention. But Akaashi being Akaashi, he knew something's going to happen which sadly must include Bokuto and no one else but himself. He could only hope it wasn't for the worst.
Their after party separation was always like this : Konoha went with Sarukui since now they live close to each other, Komi and Washio was on their own way but since Shirofuku was present, Washio walking her back first before going home. And Bokuto, well, that loud boy always went home with Akaashi because though their house was on opposite direction, walking Akaashi home had become a ritual for Bokuto since high school that even Akaashi himself couldn't deny him anymore. Beside, Bokuto always went home first after their gathering before back to the academy on the next day.
The road they chose always longer than how they usually have back then in high school, it can be a small path near the river, or a ten minutes detour along the route that their old team always use on their evening jog. But that night, their steps had brought them to the small park near a kindergarten both of them often spent to play volleyball on their day off. Whichever the choice, one thing is certain : Bokuto would never stop talking. So Akaashi knew, just by the time the others had out of sight, and Bokuto didn't make a single noise, something that he afraid going to happen, happened.
A silent but not sulking Bokuto was terrifying Akaashi had to broke it whatever the cost. "Bokuto-san," the older male freeze comically for a second before answering with a stuttering 'yeah?' "If there's something you want to say, just say it." Though he nodded, Bokuto still didn't say anything and he kept avoiding Akaashi's eyes. It was when Akaashi sighed, Bokuto flinched once before finally he asked his former setter to take a small walk in that park instead of going home.
"...that is, if you don't mind. I mean, it's already this late and we still far from home and – "
"Bokuto-san," it stopped Bokuto's rambling and finally, finally, their eyes meet, "Of course I don't mind." The smile Bokuto made was really contagious, Akaashi didn't realize he made one himself until he found Bokuto blushing, before turning his back and commanded a 'let's go, then!' to him. The smile still lingering even after they walk for a while.
"So, um, about your graduation, have you decided your college?"
Oh, so it's about this. "I...haven't."
"Eh? I thought you've talked about this with Kataoka-sensei."
"Yes we have – but, I'm still not sure with my options."
"Eehhh..."
"Mind if I know why you asked, Bokuto-san?"
"Uh, well, there's a Uni not far from my Academy which have a major that I know you interested with, maybe you want to give it a try?"
Of course Akaashi want to. If 'this Bokuto' asked 'the past Akaashi' about that, he would immediately answer without thinking that he would try it and would do his best to be accepted. But Akaashi wasn't his past self anymore, which mean he much aware of the consequences if he did get accepted in that Uni. The Uni that Bokuto mentioned wasn't foreign to Akaashi's ears, that place was the first choice Akaashi make when being asked about his option for the future education. First of all, obviously, because it's not far from Bokuto's academy and second, it has a major that he likes. Of course, the latter was the only thing he said to them who ask.
But as times gone by, Akaashi realize that what he did, if he really tried and getting accepted in that Uni, will only torture himself. Yes, it would give him more time to spend with Bokuto, it would be easier for them to meet and hang out like what they did during high school, he would get back all of his musics and colors that were lost in his life. But still, nothing last forever. And as much as Akaashi didn't want that to happen, he aware of that. No matter how much Akaashi tried to keep close to Bokuto, fate will force them apart, because there won't be a chance for them to be together in a way that Akaashi want to. Sooner or later, Akaashi had to bury deep his feeling for that boy, the pain will be damned.
He decided to choose the former.
"I...uh, I don't know, Bokuto-san."
"Eh? But why? That place is not far and it's also close to my place, we can hang out like before Akaashi! Or – Akaashi, you don't want to hang out with me anymore? – Are you starting to hate me?!"
"Bokuto-san please calm down, that's not the reason."
"Then what, Akaashi?!"
"It's...nothing. There's no reason, Bokuto-san, let's continue our walk." Akaashi didn't realize they had stopped in the middle of the park while they argued about that thing, he started to walk only to stop again when he sense Bokuto wasn't following his step. "What's wrong, Bokuto-san?"
"Is it personal?"
It took a few seconds for Akaashi to understand Bokuto's question. "Yes, Bokuto-san, it is personal."
"Does that mean you don't hate me?"
"Yes."
"So you still want to hang out with me?"
"Of course."
"But still, it is because of me, right?"
A pause. "Bokuto-san let's not –"
"S'that because you like me?"
Akaashi froze. It felt like the earth had stopped from running right at the moment and Akaashi just stood in there waiting for a massive black hole willing to swallow him whole but sadly, nothing happened. Which also what had happened to his vocal chords that refuse to form any noise even only for a single whimper.
Before Akaashi could do anything, as if he didn't notice Akaashi's behavior change, Bokuto continued, "Konoha said that."
Now the fear which suffocating that raven haired boy had turned into a disappointment as he heard what Bokuto said. Did Konoha just ignored Akaashi's concern and bluntly told Bokuto about his feeling? He had said everything to that boy so why didn't he explained it to Bokuto? But then Akaashi realize, that from that former number seven's point of view, unless you are Akaashi, explaining to Bokuto was just a lost cause. "It's a lie."
"Eh?"
Akaashi gulped. "Anything that Konoha-san said to you is a lie, Bokuto-san. Please don't mind him."
"Eehhh...? S'that so? So that was a lie when he said that he knew you like me since our first official match when I'm still in second years?"
Like being struck by a thunder, Akaashi stiffed on his spot. He didn't know that Konoha was that observant. Or was it because he just too oblivious? It took so much effort for Akaashi to keep his poker face, and managing his voice to make it still sound steady. But Akaashi knew, just from a pause he had to take to answer Bokuto was enough to make that older boy suspicious. Bokuto could be ridiculously sharp if he wants to. "I'm afraid that was just a lie, Bokuto-san." He mentally curse when Bokuto went silent for a moment and tilted his head slightly. Silently studying him.
When that boy opened his mouth, Akaashi know by a moment that he would be in trouble.
"Which one he lied about, Akaashi? That he knew, or that you like me?"
Akaashi immediately broke eye contact with Bokuto. Which he would regret because he knew it would make him look more suspicious and obviously, make it more vulnerable for him to show his expression. But it was hard for Akaashi to look at Bokuto after being busted like that. How should he answer to that? 'Both of them, Bokuto-san'? No. That was too risky. Because, what if Bokuto know it was just another excuse from Akaashi to avoiding this conversation? Sometimes, though it was endearing, it also irritated Akaashi when Bokuto become so dense he had to explain it even harder or just completely ignore it. But also sometimes, Bokuto's idiocy was just an act he made to humor Akaashi. Sadly, he still didn't know how to distinguish that, not immediately, because both came with a same tone and a same innocent face. Like the one he make this time. Akaashi knew he had to pick his answer wisely.
But it's too late.
He heard, rather than saw, when Bokuto stepped forward. Slowly walking, approaching him. Akaashi's mind screaming in alert telling him to step backwards, but his legs didn't even budge. He much aware that he was trembling and believe that Bokuto saw it too. And maybe that was the reason Bokuto stopped just two steps away from him. Not close, but also not too far away. As if he makes a room for Akaashi to breath. Gave him a route if he wants to escape from this situation. For him to just run away from Bokuto, maybe forever. It's such a gentle move from Bokuto to respect Akaashi and it pleased his heart in a so many ways. But it also hurts.
For some reason, those two steps distance between them felt hurt for Akaashi. And he didn't know why.
'Because it means Bokuto-san is afraid of you, Keiji.'
'But why?'
'Because he doesn't want to hurt you.'
The realization snapped Akaashi to once again looked back to Bokuto, who watched him with a look that Akaashi never seen before. It warmed him to the point of reddening his whole face.
"Ne, Akaashi, was it also a lie when he said that you were afraid if I return your feeling?"
The question brought back every worries Akaashi had about his feeling for his senpai. Every 'what if's came back to torment him. And it pained him to the most. He didn't know what face he makes this time but he aware it wasn't a pleasant one because Bokuto looked sad looking at him. Like, it physically hurts him. But that man didn't say anything. He just stood in front of Akaashi, waiting patiently for his kouhai to give him an answer.
"There's – " Akaashi cleared his throat, tried to get rid of that trembling from his voice. "There's no feeling you have to return, Bokuto-san." He failed.
The silent Bokuto give was deafening. The pause he made feel like a thousand years for Akaashi. They stood like that for another second before Bokuto took a step forward, and Akaashi's legs still refuse to hear his mind.
"But I was very happy, you know? When Konoha said that you also like me, I was very happy I could jump out of that building!"
"That's dangerous Bokuto-san – " he shut his mouth immediately with an audible click!, both hands raised to cover his lips as his eyes rounded. Akaashi didn't believe he just said that. It seems he had lost his control button to not giving a comment each time Bokuto speak. Before he could do anything though, Bokuto laughed.
Bokuto's sudden laugh startled Akaashi. But like magic, it also helped him put off some of his nerves. For a moment, he forgot about those worries. And Akaashi want to forget it forever. He wanted to just didn't think about anything. To just be there with Bokuto, in a cold of a January night in the middle of a park they often pay a visit back then in high school. To just relish the night and put it in his memory box and sealed it tight inside his heart. A smile bloomed on his lips, and though it just a tiny, barely there smile, Akaashi knew its was enough for Bokuto to notice.
The laugh stopped with a huge grin split Bokuto's face, who still didn't say anything else after his outburst. He only stood in there, hands tucked safety inside his pocket jacket, eyes roaming, mapping every inch of Akaashi face. "Konoha said everything to me," he finally spoke and having no idea he had torturing Akaashi, who tried very hard to not blush, with his intense gaze, "From how and when he spotted you, to the day you talk to him." Akaashi didn't know how to response to that. Beside relief, that apparently Konoha still considers his feeling when he told the secret to Bokuto, he only felt puzzled. Words were still hard to be formed in Akaashi's mind. But Bokuto had saved him with continuing his talk. "So, hey, Akaashi. What if I ask you to share those worries with me?"
One of many things that Akaashi like about Bokuto, was just how lively those eyes are. He couldn't remember how many times he got speechless because of those eyes in just this one night alone. From their previous gathering, to this moment they stood face to face in a chilly night, arguing about their feeling. If before, he being captivated with the warmness of those golden irises, this time Akaashi felt a determination in that piercing gaze. Which almost made him certain that indeed, it's okay to answer Bokuto with a single 'yes'. But he could not. If Akaashi missed the disappointed on Bokuto's face, it was because he suddenly bow down his head to hide his own sad face. "But it's not right, Bokuto-san."
"What is not right?"
"Our – " He gulped. "My feeling."
Akaashi was ready for anything Bokuto would do after hearing that response. It could be a pout, a complain, or maybe another deny which Bokuto would throw to Akaashi for thinking something like that, which could lead them to a shouting match that very rarely but ever happened between them. But what comes next really wasn't what Akaashi think of.
Bokuto threw back his head with a loud groan escaping from his mouth. Loud and long enough it could be mistaken as an animal's growl especially in this kind of place. Before Akaashi could stop him, though, that older boy spoke. "Aaahhh...mou...! It wasn't suppose to be like this, you know?"
"Eh?"
"Arrghh...! Konoha surely will laugh if he found out!"
"Konoha-san? I – I'm sorry Bokuto-san, I don't follow."
"We have a talk about this, you know? Me and Konoha." Bokuto now facing Akaashi with a troubled face, like the one he make when his serve missed or when Akaashi remind him about his homework. "And I told him that I have a plan about this but he doubted me. But it wasn't supposed to be this difficult! It wasn't supposed to turn out to be like this! We were supposed to talk about your future then you agree to come with me so I can invite you to live together in an – "
"To what!?"
" – apartment then WHAM! happily ever after! But I don't know that as a freshmen I have to live in a dormitory until I went to second year so then I can have my own choice to keep living at there or just move out so I chose to move out because I want to live in my own place and with someone I'm in love with, Akaashi! And that's why I haven't told you yet about my feeling when I graduate and I'm so worried you know? Because the schedule was so tight like my kneecaps and its always prevent me to meet you which mean there will be more reasons for you to move on from me but I don't want that to happen! Akaashiiii! Please don't leave meeee!"
The more Bokuto spoke, the closer he got to Akaashi until they just an inch apart from each other with nose almost touching. When that loud owl finally stopped but still breathing hard to fill his burning lungs, Akaashi put his hands on that wide chest. Which surprised Bokuto and turned his already wide eyes widened.
"Bokuto-san."
"Ye – yeah?"
"I can't believe you can said that in just one breath. And you are too close, Bokuto-san." Though he complained Akaashi's bluntness, Bokuto straightened his posture again but his hair still slumped like his fallen face. Akaashi's hands which pushed Bokuto still linger in there, his blueish irises watching closely at his hands that caressing Bokuto's black T-shirt and feeling the steady heartbeat beneath his palm. "And what do you mean by 'living together'? And, what was that again? 'Wham! Happily ever after'?" Akaashi sighed, but there was a slight smile on his face. An amused smile which then turned into a sadden one. Their previous atmosphere had vanished and now replaced by something new. Had gone Akaashi's troubled feeling but sadly the sorrow still linger, and the gentle Bokuto had replaced by the usual daily Bokuto who just a silly airhead boy whom Akaashi fell in love with. This was yet another part of musics and colors that Akaashi missed from Bokuto. How could he be so...random. And how he could make Akaashi comfortable with that. "But it doesn't have any future, Bokuto-san. I'm very happy knowing that obviously my feeling had returned, but we can't do this. It's – "
" – not right." Bokuto finished. "Can I, uh, can I touch you, Akaashi?"
Akaashi nodded, with eyes still linger to Bokuto's chest though his hands weren't there anymore. He didn't see how nervous Bokuto was, but he knew because he notice as Bokuto's left hand tried to reach him only to be pulled back again. It was when Akaashi raising his own hand slightly, Bokuto dare to take it. His right hand, though, didn't hesitate to reach Akaashi's chin and pulled it upward. Blue meet golden.
A chill ran down Akaashi's spine and he wondered if it was because of the cold breeze or simply because of those golden irises. "Um, Bokuto-san –"
"God, Akaashi. You are beautiful."
"What?" Akaashi tried to move back but Bokuto's hand prevent him from doing so. The hand which took Akaashi's right tightened, but it didn't hurt. Instead, it felt like an anchor for Akaashi to survive the night. And the slight warm from that touch on his chin still linger even after Bokuto pulled back his rough hand.
"Ne, Akaashi, did you know since when I fall for you? It has been since the first time I saw you at that gym! No! I mean it! Don't look at me like that Akaashi! The first time when I saw you, I started to think in what position you will play. If you were a middle blocker, you'll be a nice companion because you'll block every spike and opened a way for my spike! But if you were a libero, you will guard my back with all of those follow up so I don't need to worry every time my spike getting blocked! And I even thought you were a spiker, Akaashi! And if you are indeed a spiker, then we can practice together and I'll show you every special skill that I have!"
"So basically, I'm fit for you whatever my position is?"
"Yeah! But you know what, Akaashi?" Bokuto reached Akaashi's other hand and linked it together between them. "When you said that you are a setter, I know it immediately that you are my fate." Akaashi couldn't stop the blush this time. He was red all over his face up to his ear tips and through his neck. "I always told Coach to pair you up with me so we can practice together but he always said no. And if it wasn't because of senpai's injury, maybe we wouldn't be able to work together until they retire. And we wouldn't know just how perfect we are until you become our official setter which mean it would be just another waste of time!"
The blinding smile has back and Akaashi unable to watch it anymore. There was so much positive radiation vibrating from that smile, a big opposite of the negative plaque which haunted Akaashi no matter how much he want to get rid it off.
He was about to say something to deny Bokuto's invitation to step into their relationship even deeper when Bokuto spoke first. "Uh, ne, Akaashi, can I...hug you?"
Can he? The one answer he gave this night would affect their relationship in the future permanently. Especially, his friendship with Bokuto. Was he willing to give up the wall of friendship he had built for the sake of both of them? For what? The fruitless relationship he wants to have with Bokuto? If he gave a negative answer, it would break everything they had had until now. It would be awkward for them to meet again and only God knows until when it would make Bokuto fall into his dejected mode. If he said yes, though, he knew their relationship wouldn't last long. Separation cannot be avoided. And in the end, the result would be the same : it would be hard for both of them.
Amongst all of those negativities that whispering in Akaashi's ear, like a little ray of sunshine peeking through a massive of black cloud, a different thought appeared in a completely different voice in Akaashi's head.
A same voice that spoke to him a year ago.
'...please stop overthink 'bout everything, 'kay?'
Why it took so long for him to finally listen to that voice? With head still hung low, refuse to look at Bokuto's confidence, Akaashi took a courage to make a move. Placing both of his hands on Bokuto's chest was the first, to feel the heartbeat increasing beneath his palm. He moved closer to Bokuto and after a pause, resting his head on that shoulder.
They stilled like that for a moment, and though Akaashi didn't know what was inside Bokuto's head, at least he knew that the older boy was just as nervous as he was. He felt it from the trembling hands that being placed on his hips. Hesitating for a second, only caressing Akaashi's clothes before finally daring to touch it.
Many thoughts filling Akaashi's head as he moved even closer to Bokuto. The heat that Bokuto radiate from his body had brought wonder to Akaashi, like, why he hasn't done this since the from the start? Why he followed those thoughts instead, and not just listening to his heart and having what he want most? – What he need most? Why he kept worrying what will people think about them? But, what if people start to judge them? What if what he did would damage their future? What if in the end they have to separate when they finally have each other? What if –
"Akaashi."
"Yes, Bokuto-san?"
"Please stop thinking."
And it broke the wall that Akaashi has built since the first time he realize his feeling. He didn't mean to show Bokuto that he cried but the sob which escape couldn't be stopped. The first lead to the second, and now Akaashi couldn't hold it anymore. He cried on Bokuto's chest, wetting that black T-shirt with his tears, hands clenched tight as he squirmed with a whimper. One of Bokuto's hands raised to rub a circle on his back, while he carresing Akaashi's temple with his cheek and humming a song that Akaashi realize was the one he always play on his mp3 list back then in second year. The one he recommended to Bokuto after that loud owl kept asking Akaashi what song he like to listen to.
Small things about Bokuto that Akaashi knew, was that boy can be so calm and quiet if he want to. It was so out of Bokuto's character for them who didn't know. But it was just another part of Bokuto that Akaashi found after so many hours he had spent his life with his former captain. Just like this time, when he let Akaashi let out his stress on his chest, Bokuto didn't even say a single word. He only hummed Akaashi's favorite song, and the only difference was his hug become a little tighter this time. A little bit more possesive than before.
It was when Akaashi seems to be a little bit calmed down, he started to speak again. And to be honest Akaashi didn't know just how long he has held Bokuto in the same position.
"Konoha told me every worry you have about this, but, hey, you are not alone, okay Akaashi? Let's face it together. You are the one who always saves me when I'm down so now it's my time to do that for you, okay?" He snorted when Akaashi only nodded, still didn't trust his voice to answer. "Can I see your face?" It took a moment for Akaashi to agree to move back. The hands which loosened from Akaashi's body move to cupped his cheeks, and with both thumbs, Bokuto gently wipe clean all of those tears. "Now, stop these tears and let's go home, I don't want to face Oba-san's wrath for getting his little boy home late." Akaashi laugh at that. Only a scoff, but it was enough to bring back a smile on that pretty face.
There was something on Bokuto's face when Akaashi regain his courage to look back at Bokuto again. He looked nervous, as if what he was going to do next would anger Akaashi and broke any spell they were under. But when Akaashi opened his mouth to ask him what happen, the answer comes in a form of a surprise.
A kiss, actually.
Landed perfectly on Akaashi's cheek.
It was only a peck but enough to make him blush and forgetting every negative feeling he had before. Made him warm all over his body and he believed his face would be as red as a ripened tomatoes. Bokuto looked so happy and satisfied stood in front of Akaashi with his big idiot grin splitting his face.
"I always want to do that since forever." Was what he said before turning his back with a loud laugh. And before Akaashi could give him his response, that older boy turned back to Akaashi, a hand reached out to him. "Let's go home."
Akaashi was more than happy to answer that.
There was nothing different on their walk home, as if the previous scene never happened between them. Bokuto was still switching between whistling some random songs or talk about some random things that Akaashi sometimes commented or just keep listening. The only slight difference was the gap which has decreased between them. That former ace of Fukurodani only stopped making any noise when they just some walk away from Akaashi's house, and stopped walking altogether making him nearly left behind by his kouhai. And thanks to the dark night, it was hard for Akaashi to read Bokuto's expression.
"Akaashi?"
"Yes, Bokuto-san?"
"So, you, uh...okay with this..."
"Relationship?"
"Relationship."
Akaashi smiled. The word itself felt sweet on his tongue. "Of course, Bokuto-san." His smile widened when Bokuto make a light jog to catch up on him with stars sparkling in his golden eyes.
"Ne, ne, is that mean you also agree to share an apartment with me?"
"Only if I'm getting accepted in that Uni."
"Nah...you'll be. You are the Akaashi!"
"Uh, thank you?" But Bokuto was already moving.
Akaashi indeed got scolded by his mother, but when she saw Bokuto stood behind her son, apologizing for keeping Keiji until this late, she softened. She said she forgave that older boy but only if he didn't refuse her invitation to have a sleepover with them. Which, immediately, Bokuto accept it gladly. It wasn't the first time for that two colored boy to sleep in Akaashi household, but it's been a long time since the last time he pays a visit. So it was no wonder he surprised when Akaashi told him that his mother still keeping some of his spare clothes in Akaashi's closet. And without giving a damn laying a second futon for Bokuto, both boys crashing on Akaashi's bed as soon as they ready for sleep.
The young raven haired boy didn't know since when was precisely he dozed off upon hearing Bokuto's stories. He woke up with a feeling of a heavy arm around his waist, and a grumble of Bokuto's long snore from behind him. It was still dark outside, and the clock on bedside table said it was only 3.42 a.m., still too early for them to wake up. He was about to go back to sleep when he heard Bokuto murmuring his name, with a low happy laugh followed later. The act itself was enough for Akaashi to make a small smile bloomed on his face.
This has been what he long for since ages ago. Something he could have if he bold enough to not pay too much attention to all of his worries. A worries which, though he tried so hard to make a peace with, still came to haunt him sometimes. And as if Bokuto felt Akaashi's thought, that loud boy tightened his arms around Akaashi's waist and pulled him slightly closer. Like he wanted to tell his former setter that everything was okay. That as long they have for each other, everything will be okay.
And Akaashi accepted it with all of his heart.
Later that night, when his back meets with that broad chest, feeling the steady rhythm of Bokuto's heartbeat and feeling the warm breath on top of his head, Akaashi knew one thing was certain : since the time Bokuto graduate and leave him behind, he finally feels whole again.
.
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Bonus :
To : Konoha-san (05:46)
You told him.
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From : Konoha-san (06:48)
You're welcome ;)
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To : Konoha-san (07:10)
You said you won't tell anyone.
.
From : Konoha-san (07:10)
Oops, did I say 'I promise'?
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To : Konoha-san (07:11)
I hate you.
.
From : Konoha-san (07:11)
That's a relief. Now go spoil that stupid owl even more.
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From : Konoha-san (07:11)
It's enough for us to listen to his whining all this time.
.
To : Konoha-san (07:17)
Us?
.
From : Konoha-san (07:18)
Oh God, you don't know? Since the first time you stepped in on that gym Bokuto indirectly told everyone that he falls in love with you!
.
From : Konoha-san (07:18)
And by everyone I mean literally everyone who ever met him.
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From : Konoha-san (07:18)
Yes, since that time.
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From : Konoha-san (07:18)
I'm not sure with his new friends in that Academy but, well, it's Bokuto we are talking about ;)
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From : Konoha-san (07:29)
Akaashi?
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From : Konoha-san (07:36)
Hey?
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To : Konoha-san (07:40)
I'm sorry for the wait, Konoha-san. I'll send you a letter to Bokuto-san's funeral after this.
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From : Konoha-san (07:40)
LOL! I can't wait.
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Bonus : Bonus :
"You have a chance, you know?" Konoha said as soon as Akaashi's figure disappear behind the door. The second year had to leave first after his name was mentioned on the loudspeaker, leaving only Konoha and Bokuto at the rooftop continuing their lunch.
"Huh? What chance?"
"With Akaashi." Konoha nearly chocked on his laughter when Bokuto answering with a loud 'hoot!' and a face as red as Nekoma's jersey.
"Th – that's not possible!"
"You have to believe me, o' dear captain, besides, since when I told a lie?"
"Since you told me that Yukie didn't mind if I don't return her money."
"Well to be honest that's purely for my own entertainment – but! The thing is," he quickly add as Bokuto glaring dagger to him, "It's not a one side attraction."
Bokuto went silent to that. Gear began to shift inside his head as he weighing Konoha's words, forming words of questions like : was it true? If it was, then why Akaashi always behaving like nothing happen each time he tried to woo him? Bokuto didn't realize he voice that out loud until he heard a guilty 'ackh!' from Konoha, who immediately look away as Bokuto looked at him. "You hide something." Bokuto might be an airhead, he aware of that, but he's not an idiot. Well at least he believed it's not when it's about volleyball or Akaashi. He kept staring at Konoha who began to get fascinated with his chopsticks until that jack of all trades boy gave up.
"He, uh... He has his own issues. I just remember! I swear! He said something when I talked to him."
"You talked to him?!"
"Whoa, calm down lover boy, I didn't tell him about your feeling or something, I just asked why he didn't ask you out already." A smirk tugged at Konoha's lips as Bokuto groaned on his palm hiding his steamed face. "He worried about everything. You know, him being himself, he overthink and chose to stay in silence instead."
"And that was...what?" Konoha told him. That shady haired boy told Bokuto every worry Akaashi told him two days ago, and each syllable which came out from Konoha's mouth weighing Bokuto's mind. It wasn't a secret that Akaashi was more mature than how he looks, especially when it's about Bokuto, but knowing that the second year thought that much about their relationship, Bokuto felt guilty. Because all he could think of was how to get Akaashi for himself. Never once he thought the impact of their relationship if it really happens. "Ne, Konoha. Let's not talk about this to Akaashi."
"Huh? But why?"
"Let's just not."
"Not that I mind though. Actually, that's kind of interesting watching you struggle with your so called love life," he laughed as Bokuto shouting 'oi!' then started to sulk. "So, you chose to keep him in the dark?"
"Uh-huh."
"And miss the biggest chance to have our precious pretty setter all by yourself? Not that you didn't already do that." Bokuto was too busy sulking to answer that, he only nodded nonchalantly. Konoha sighed, "And then what if he gets tired of you and find someone else instead?" The face Bokuto gave to Konoha was so miserable it make him double over laughing his ass off instead of pitying his captain.
"Why did you say something like that, Konoha?!"
"What? It's just a 'what if' though, there's nothing to worry since he's head over heels ridiculously as much as you do to him."
"But still..." Though that was just a 'what if' condition, didn't mean it won't happen. And when will it happen just a matter of time. But Bokuto wasn't Bokuto if he didn't find a solution out of the blue. "Then I'll spoil him even more than this."
"Eh?"
Bokuto suddenly rose, stratling Konoha who almost dropping his bento box. He faces his fellow teammates with his distinctive pose – a big grin splitting his face and one hand thumbing his chest – saying, "Watch it Konoha! I will continue to make Akaashi falling in love with me so he won't have a time to think about someone else! And when the time has come, I will ask him out and he will definitely say yes!"
"But when?"
"Just watch and wait, I have a plan for this."
"Oh God let's hope it's not a bad one."
"Oi!"
.
.
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A/N: "Yep! If you confuse, the Bonus : Bonus scene happened when they still in HS.
About Akaashi's college choice, I'm not a Japanese and I don't know how it should work. I mean, I only know from manga and anime that high school student will have a conversation with their consulting teacher about their future plan and mostly it's about their college choice. But I don't know when they do that. It said in my story that the event occurs on two months before Akaashi graduated but he still haven't picked his college interest. I'm sorry if it bothers any of you, and I really hope I didn't make them too OOC.
Holy shit I'm in love with BokuAka from 'Hyper Projection Play Haikyuu! #4 Shinka no Natsu' (Yoshimoto Kouki-san and Yuuki Kousei-san) and the people in this fic are physically portrayed like them. #nosebleed
I want to thank Aqua Timez with their Sen no Yoru wo Koete song which help me to build my mood to write the last paragraph (a scene where BokuAka speak about their feeling in that park). Because – and I'm being honest here – it took me nearly two months only for writing that scene alone."