He'd spent so long watching her from afar. As friends, rather good ones at that, it was hard not to notice all the little nuances that made her everything she was, from the smile to the boisterous laughter to the concern in her eyes every time he excused himself early. "Come back soon, Jushiro," she'd say, and her tone always made it seem as if perhaps the world would end if he didn't, as if she needed him. As silly and childish as such a thing was, he found oftentimes, he would cling to that ideal as a means of giving himself a reason to get better quicker. Perhaps in the end it was never much quicker at all, but it seemed as if it were sometimes. Other times, it seemed as if it took forever, and inevitably Yoruichi's happiness was hanging on a thread, waiting for his return with bated breath.
It was so silly. Only once before had he attempted at a romantic relationship, and such a thing had caved in very quickly. She herself had been a pleasant enough woman, and had believed he a pleasant enough man, and then they had attempted things a step further. Everything went downhill from there. Not everyone was well equipped to handle tuberculosis flares in the face of an intimate evening, and while he had hoped that perhaps they could get past such a barrier, she had gone another direction, leaving him alone yet again.
The Captain was not so upset by this turnout. In a sense, he may have even expected such a thing, a bit shocking it was, after all. And yet still a part of him hoped that maybe someday he'd find someone to love that wouldn't be quite as upset when he leaked blood on them on accident. After all, Ukitake Jushiro had lived with his tuberculosis for so long, and he was beginning to believe that it would never go away and instead would remain forever an important piece of his life. Maybe this was so, and maybe it was not. What he did know was that it was now.
Somewhere along the line he'd decided he was in fact falling for the Shihoin, knowing good and well there were plenty of others in the Seireitei she might come to care for as more than simply a friend. Certainly, there were healthier, and yet even so he clung to the hope that maybe someday she might like him back. Beings as he was never a forceful type, certainly not one to out with his perceived feelings quite so suddenly, he simply rode the tide and was happy with what he had - at the very least, a very good friend that, in her own way, made him feel as if he were needed for something. Yoruichi was a star, one of the brightest within the inky black of the world around her, and none quite shone so bright as her. Yet here he was, wading into the darkness in the hopes that someday he might catch that star and hold her close as his star. No, perhaps not the phrase. Someone like her never belonged to anyone.
And just as quick as he came to that conclusion, that perhaps he was in fact falling for the husky laughter in her every word, she was gone. Oddly, in a sense it'd hurt worse than the day he'd lost his perceived first love to a matter of circumstance beyond his control. That day on, it seemed the Seireitei had become so much darker without her bouncing through the halls playing tag with some unfortunate soul or another. But first and foremost, Jushiro was a Captain, and he abided by whatever it was his superiors decided, no matter how many needles it seemed those decisions shot at his heart.
Exile. It was such a harsh sounding word, as if one may as well have given the death sentence, for they would always in effect be dead to those who knew them before. Her Division that depended so heavily upon her presence, her protege that worshiped the ground she walked upon, her lineage that would inevitably be without a leader, perhaps forever, all tossed into the ocean without a kayak. And all because someone had decided that it was wrong to be a hybrid, and just as much so to help hybrids. As for him, he wasn't so sure about it. He wanted to believe that Yoruichi would never help someone that was truly and entirely in the wrong, but the moment of her exile made him rethink that belief. Then, Jushiro was never so much a prejudicial type anyway. No one was quite the same, after all. Everyone in their own way was different from the next, and though it was surely possible that hybrids might be dangerous, it was just as much so that they might not be.
The full of the situation had never been heard, only judged, and ended. Jushiro wanted to believe, too, that his superiors would never make a decision they did not feel to be right. Such was the price one paid for leadership, he himself knew this very well. But, he was also so very much aware that things were not always what they seemed to be, even if one would rather believe in the simple ideal that things could easily and justly be taken at face value. Central 46 never was one for research, and there may have well been something they had missed. Or perhaps he merely wanted a good reason for them to rethink sending her away. Such a selfish and childish reasoning, but it seemed just as probable as anything else.
Likely, he'd never see her again. The strength and courage he'd slowly been working up, hoping to eventually tell her his feelings, instead became used for getting over her. Why pine over someone that would never come back? And there was no doubt of this conclusion in his mind either. Once exiled, you never came back - otherwise they wouldn't call it exile, now would they?
She'd spent so long watching him from afar. Well no, the two had been marginally close during their time together, as short as it seemed to have been. Perhaps that was alright - Yoruichi was never one to cling to things that had ended a long time ago, and while not by their own choice (certainly it had never even begun either, not really), ended it had. How tired by now the noble was of running, hiding from everything she used to be. When she'd been younger, perhaps more pliable even, she'd wanted to become the best Shinigami her lineage had ever seen, prove that even a woman can make it. While she did in fact prove this, perhaps many times over, Goddess of Flash as she was, become the first female head of the Shihoin line and even the first female Commander of the Onmitsukido, in the end she'd lost it all.
All for Kisuke, no less. But he was a good man with good intentions under the magic hat of secrecy, and Yoruichi would alas do it again if she needed to. No, if he needed her to. And that was a price she'd paid many times over by now, the price of being a good friend as it were. Yet in the end, just as she'd lost all her other friends, she'd even lost Kisuke and Tessai too, and the newly born Vizard were not quite grateful to her - perhaps Kisuke yes, for saving their lives in effect, and yet everything she'd done, sacrificed and lost, walked away from, all to ensure they escaped the Central 46's judgmental eye gained not even a bat of their eyes. Yoruichi was used to such things, perhaps.
"Really, you didn't have to make my tea Yoruichi, I know you don't care for it," he'd say. And his tone always made it sound as if it were the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him, something so simple as preparing his tea. Granted, for her, a woman that disliked tea and preferred milk above everything else, it was a bit difficult figuring out how to make it, but for him she would have learned Zanjutsu all over again. And for a creature like her, swordsmanship was indeed a rather difficult thing to learn, but in her opinion he was worth the effort. There was only one Ukitake Jushiro, after all, and for him maybe she would have gone to the ends of the earth.
It was so silly. How childish of her, to attach so fastly to a man that may not even like her. Yoruichi was a creature of polarities, perhaps, one moment bouncing around the halls in a paroxysm of joy and the next depressed as a wolf that had lost her mate. Energy seemed to radiate from her, and where she was the thunder, crackling with intensity at every turn, Jushiro was the ocean, rhythmic waves sloshing gently against the shore. What kind of a match was this, after all? And yet every time he said hello, her heart seemed to leap into her throat. Every time his eyes met hers, she felt like a little girl again, the one with the crush on the strong Captain that had saved her one day.
The Winter War had ended by now, of course. Ichigo had successfully defeated the persistently sinister Sosuke Aizen at his own game, and things were looking up. For their part in ensuring Ichigo's success, of course, Yoruichi and Kisuke were given the opportunity to return to the Soul Society, to once again proudly stand beside their comrades as Captains of the Goteijusantai. Kisuke had denied, a response of which Yoruichi considered natural - too used to his life as a humble shop owner, Kisuke wouldn't do well in structured society again. But Yoruichi had accepted. Now she stood as Captain of Sanbantai in Ichimaru Gin's place. It wasn't so bad really, at least not as bad as she had initially thought it might be, though her Lieutenant could use to cheer up some. And ever since she'd come back, all she could think of was that familiar fall of snowy strands.
Everything about this place reminded her of him. It was so utterly silly, unfounded. Perhaps he, like Suifeng, would be upset with her for leaving. Not on the outside, she didn't think, but somewhere in him there may have been resentment. Perhaps it was that belief - no, that fear - that kept her from just going and finding him. She remembered all the places he could ever be found. In his office, seemingly cheerfully brushing away at his paperwork. By the cherry trees on Rokubantai grounds, watching the petals fly around and toward the sky. At the lake near the Shinoreijutsuin, feeding the koi in the large pond on their grounds. Finding him was not a problem in the least, and yet she still found herself hesitating, setting her office up just the way she liked it, teasing Izuru in an attempt to get him to cheer up, watching her Division do morning warm up training, staring at the list of living world patrol rotations so as to memorize it. Even on occasion she'd meander over to the Gobantai, if only to watch Abarai Renji argue with his new Lieutenant - none other than Sexta Espada Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez. Perhaps soon she'd put in a transfer request for Renji. Grimmjow did not like him very much, and despite common belief of otherwise among the Shinigami occupants of the Seireitei, it was not a matter of simply giving him time either.
One thing even she couldn't say about Ichimaru Gin, while he'd been creepy as all get out, he was certainly an organized and concise leader. Everything was already laid out for her - all she need do is take up the mantle and continue where he'd left off.
Really, there was nothing stopping her from hunting down one Ukitake Jushiro. Nothing but the fear pooled together at the base of her heart, warning her that such was a very bad idea. And even if she knew that there was no real reason such a thing would be a bad idea, still she occupied herself with other things, smiled when Suifeng came in talking a mile a minute about one thing or another, sometimes even gushing about the new Sotaicho. "You should get to know him Yoruichi-sama," she'd say, happiness oozing from every syllable. Truly, Suifeng had never really liked Yamamoto-Taicho, not that Yoruichi had been particularly fond of him either. He had, after all, been one of the many that had removed Jushiro from her life. "Sahura-sama even knows Piguazhang!" And Yoruichi would only smile and tease the girl about having a crush on the mysterious new Goteijusantai leader, implications of which the shorter woman always denied. Granted, not quite as ferociously as she had denied romantic interest in Kisuke, much to Yoruichi's mild disappointment.
Yet even as they had these silly girlish conversations, pretended there wasn't a hundred and ten year hole in their relationship, both knew it was there. Yoruichi felt it the most, because that hole was also the gap between herself and Jushiro. And maybe it would always be.
He was staring out the window again, toward the Sanbantai grounds. Such a far distance, it seemed, and yet really that distance was so small compared to the one they had braved the last hundred years. Had she really been gone so short a time? It seemed so much longer than that, in a sense. In another it seemed like only a heartbeat of a moment had passed. A quiet sigh came from his left.
"Eh, Ju-chan..." Jushiro responded with a quiet hn sound to show he was listening. "You keep staring out the window. How long will you stare before you go?" His green gaze finally tore away from the wall around Sanbantai - he could see it, just barely, through Jubantai.
"Mm. I... am not sure." A confused eyebrow quirked upward.
"Ne, certainly neither of you are getting younger."
"Yes."
"... that means go before it's too late."
He knew that. "... yes." Another quiet sigh; Shunsui slid down a bit further on the couch.
"Why aren't you, eh? I would have a long time ago, if Nanao-chan wasn't pestering me about paperwork." A quiet smile crossed Jushiro's face - for such an apparently lazy man, Shunsui really wasn't at the core. Simply... laid back, he thought. Even if Ise-Fukutaicho did not pester, he would still get it done. He just liked the attention, that was all.
"No reason." Perhaps not entirely true. There were reasons, reasons that Jushiro was not entirely certain he understood. All he knew was, every time he did decide to go, something stopped him, whether outside events or inner turmoil. Certainly, a Lieutenant like his required attention - Grimmjow managed to get into the strangest of situations. Yet even so, Jushiro wouldn't trade him for anything. New to the Jusanbantai, Grimmjow was, though he was not new to Lieutenant status - he had served under Abarai Renji, the new Captain of Gobantai, at first. And then Lucain-Sotaicho had decided it was a bad idea.
It had been.
And for once, Jushiro had offered to take him as his Lieutenant. For the first time since Kaien had died, the Thirteenth finally had a proper Lieutenant. Unfortunately, he was a bit of a spitfire, but Jushiro was patient and understanding, and Grimmjow needed it.
"Hm?" Shunsui raised his hat a little so that he could peek at him in confusion. "If there's no reason keeping you away, you should just go." And he was right. Jushiro knew it. Still, he hesitated, waited, watched, hoped. He'd thought somewhere at some point he would stop hoping - he never did.
"I..."
"Go Ju-chan."
"Ah, Shu-kun, why is it so important? I thought you'd be in here babbling about sake."
Shunsui just laughed. "Happiness. It isn't so bad a thing, hm?" For a moment, Jushiro frowned.
"Of course not."
"Go." Even without looking, Jushiro could hear the grin forming in his tone. "Ne, I will you know. Find a way to trap you into it." A light sigh - anything to get away from paperwork. Shunsui probably would. Certainly, Jushiro didn't want their reunion, if there was to be one, to go quite the way Shunsui would undoubtedly make it go.
"We'll see." He wasn't quite as hard pressed as he used to be, with an actual Lieutenant now, in some ways. In others, it was worse than it had been. More than anything else, Yoruichi had been keeping her distance on her own, and Jushiro didn't want to make her deal with the same things she did then. His condition wasn't quite as bad then as it was now. Eventually, she'd get tired of it, like everyone always did.
"Without risk, there is no gain."
"KYORAKU-TAICHO!"
"Ah snap." Swish. A few moments later, Nanao poked her head in. A quick visual sweep and she sighed, bowing slightly.
"My apologies, Ukitake-Taicho."
"No bother." And then he was alone again, with only his turbulent thoughts and a stack of paperwork. Green eyes stared at the pages for a moment. And then they returned again to the window, and the woman on the other side of that wall.
"Sorry, Suifeng, I'm just busy that's all." Her tone implied this was a true statement, but on the inside Yoruichi knew different. It wasn't business and being a Captain that kept her away from her old would-be flame. No, instead, the feeling seemed a bit more akin to fear. Such a thing was ridiculous - there was nothing in the other Captain that might induce something like fear. Jushiro was almost entirely devoid of a temper - if he had one, Yoruichi had never seen it before, quite unlike some others around the Seireitei - cough Suifeng. Shunsui was the same. Perhaps that was the reason they got along so well - perhaps Yoruichi would never really know. Perhaps she didn't want to. He was a falling snowflake, calmly drifting to the earth in the slight gentle winter breeze. To see him any other way would be asking the world to cease spinning.
Silly, maybe, yet Yoruichi was like that. Once she decided on something, that was what she believed, no matter how silly it sounded.
"You know you're not," Suifeng pointed out, mildly matter of fact. Indeed, Yoruichi was very aware of that. For once, Shihoin Yoruichi was nervous. She had a hard time identifying it - very little made the Goddess of Flash nervous, truly nervous, and this just so happened to be one of the few things that did.
"I know," Yoruichi admitted, very quiet.
"Then why aren't you going? You two used to be such good friends, I rarely ever caught you away from him when you had the time together."
True in every sense. Leading the Onmitsukido and the Nibantai, when she finally got to that point, turned out rather time consuming. Somehow, the Onmitsukido, for all their special ninja ways, seemed to have a particular specialty with turning normal, passive morning drills into literal death traps. Suifeng had once said the exact same thing. Then of course their line of work was not exactly what one might consider safe - quite the opposite. There was always something going wrong, always someone dying, always someone already dead. It required so much attention it was near stupid. But, despite this, Yoruichi always found time for one Ukitake Jushiro. Shunsui just happened to be there most often - while a good friend, the two tended to get into far more trouble than was worth it when together, and thus they both decided to limit their time with each other.
The last time they'd spent more than fifteen minutes in one another's company, half the Shinoreijutsuin grounds had been blown to smithereens. They still didn't know how they'd done it.
"I..." She trailed off, words failing for once. "He... seems... uh, busy. And last I checked he was recovering from a fit, I'd rather not bother him."
"Are you serious," Suifeng deadpanned. "He hasn't had a serious fit since a week before you got here." A very sardonic expression crossed the shorter woman's face. "Please don't flounder around for a good excuse for fifteen minutes, it's very unbecoming Yoruichi-sama."
Twitch; always with the sama. "Sui, I need not an excuse. There are just things in the way that's all. I mean, maybe he doesn't even want to see me anyway."
"I know you saw him staring at you last Captain meeting. And don't even pretend you didn't see it. Even I did and I was halfway across the room." The Chinese girl let out a quiet sigh, mildly exasperated, as if berating a puppy that didn't understand. "He misses you, Yoruichi-sama. I know you miss him."
"Why is this so important? Shouldn't you be more worried about your romance with Bya-bo?"
Suifeng bristled. "That is not the subject, don't try changing it." Ah, but Yoruichi was the wind. Elusive and terribly difficult to hold down. You can't, of course, trap the air within only your hands, for one moment it is there, and the next it has quietly slipped right through your fingers. "I just want to see you happy again, that's all. Now that you're back, why not? You only live once around here you know."
The dusky skinned woman's gaze fell to the side of her desk, not watching anything in particular. "I'll think about it." Suifeng sighed again, this time in defeat.
"I have to go make sure no one's killing anyone else." She turned on her heel, not even waiting for a goodbye or an okay, leaving Yoruichi to her turbulent thoughts.
The quiet ruffling of papers seemed almost a siren's song, quietly pulling her mind into a daydream. He was far more diligent than she was - but then for many decades, Shihoin Kaiou had been the star of the Shihoin line. Kaiou was a genius among geniuses, most often, and quite the hard worker. Not long after his three hundredth birthday, Yoruichi would become Commander of the Onmitsukido and head of the Shihoin line, tearing the title of Shihoin star away from him. He'd never liked the attention, though, and had become quite a bit more comfortable in his own skin so to speak after that. And then his father had disowned him and she'd been exiled and unable to do anything about it.
Rather than doing her own work, however, Yoruichi found herself immersed in watching him instead. Often, he moved uncertainly, as if he were afraid the floor would fall out from underneath him at any given moment. His brother did that to him. No one knew where he was now. If Yoruichi did know, she would have killed him the moment she came back. Outside the Seireitei, of course. She was sure no one would like her going right back into exile, or even on death row.
"You're staring at me." Blink. "Yes I can feel it." Yoruichi giggled.
"Ever the observant."
"I learned from the best, no?"
"Ah, that you did."
A pause, her head tilting a little and she attempted to at least appear as if she were doing something. Truth was, most of the paperwork stack had been done by Kaiou not her. "What are you here for anyway? I thought Suifeng was doing emergency drills today."
"Ahh, yes, I believe she is. Iname stayed for it," he answered. Iname was his twin brother - it was very odd to see them apart anymore, after so long of being separated. For a long time, he was not Shihoin Kaiou, but instead Shiba Kaiou, making a harsh living on the streets of the wandering alley. "I decided to skip out. Mini-Taicho is snappier than usual."
A slight smile crossed her face. The twins always referred to Suifeng as Mini, and when she became a Captain, she became Mini-Taicho. Of course both were a full foot and a half taller than Suifeng. It was no wonder. "Is she on her period? Never mind, I'm not so certain I really want to know." His afterthought elicited an outright laugh.
"Of course not. I don't even want to know."
"That's better."
"What is?" Genuine confusion laced through her tone.
"You laughed. Yoru-chan doesn't do that much anymore."
Hm. She didn't, did she. Her pen stilled - Sahura had been rather adamant about using ink pens from the human world for paperwork instead of calligraphy brushes. They were actually faster and easier to use. A light clack as she set it down and sighed.
"What's wrong? You used to laugh all the time."
"I don't know."
"Yes you do. I won't tell." She knew he wouldn't. Kaiou and Iname were two of the only remaining confidantes she had left.
"Come, we'll go for a walk. You don't have to tell me until you're ready." A ruffle of papers, and Kaiou crossed the office floor with as much grace as his dancing history could give. Only a gentle tug, and he had her on her feet and halfway to the door already. Kaiou was the only one who could do that so easily. Except, of course, Jushiro, who often need not even utter a sound before she stood and followed him.
It was quiet most of the walk. Kaiou never let go of her hand, fingers threaded through hers, almost reassuringly. Kaiou was a special case - he felt what others felt, and Yoruichi had little doubt he knew the inner turbulence she hid so well on the outside. Iname was too, though his ability to pick up on it was weaker. Kaiou could feel almost everything. Almost, because occasionally he came across someone that kept a tight lid on their emotions, someone hard to read. Yoruichi wasn't one of them. He knew. There was never any doubt of that.
"The Sotaicho wants to start production of the Invisors soon." Yoruichi's head tilted at his sudden statement. "I'm supposed to be on the project, despite not having affiliation with either division developing them."
"You will be home late sometimes?"
"I may not really be home at all for a while." A bit of a smile crossed his face. "Iname probably won't like it much, he hates being separated from me now, so maybe you could keep him from going depressive."
"He may want to come visit while you're working."
"It shouldn't take that long. Genius and all." And he was, really. Yoruichi had no doubt of that. This was the man that, as a child, had an entire oceanic ecosystem in his closet. She made a quiet 'mm' sound, golden cat-like gaze watching the pavement under them as they walked. Iname had reasons, of course, for not liking it when he and Kaiou were separated - Yoruichi wouldn't fault him that. Still, he tended to get... distant and slightly snarlier than usual when Kaiou wasn't around for long periods of time. As if he were going through some sort of odd form of withdrawal.
On the bright side, Kaiou should never have a reason to leave the Shihoin manor, provided the elders didn't decide disowning him was a good idea next. Then, his father had pulled that number. Yoruichi wouldn't let it happen again.
"Ah, afternoon Ukitake-Taicho." Had she been a woman of less self-control, Yoruichi may have squeaked. Fortunately, the worst of it was her gaze snapping up and meeting his. Always such a pretty shade of green... Jushiro nodded his head and smiled in greeting, but the green never left her. "Mm, perhaps you might be alright with accompanying my cousin? I have things elsewhere to do, and much apparently is on her mind. I'd rather not leave her alone."
"Of course."
"What are you doing?" A hissed whisper, leaning over toward her cousin, more alarm in her tone than she cared admit.
"Make the best of it hm?"
"You did this on purpose."
"Heh, even if I did I wouldn't tell you." Nothing more was added before he hugged her, bowed to Jushiro and swished toward the Junibantai.
Oh what now.
"I... I'm sorry," she started, expression apologetic. "I've been avoiding you."
Yet, he just smiled. "So have I. Life keeps us on our toes though hm?"
"Yes. ... I suppose it does."
"I was going for some tea. Would you care to join? I have milk, of course." He knew she didn't favor tea.
"Oh. Sure, of course." The same as Kaiou had, Jushiro reached over and took her hand, fingers threading through hers, ivory and dusk, ivory and dusk. Yet he held her hand different than her cousin did, almost.. clinging, as if he were afraid if he let go again he'd wake up and find it had all been a dream. Maybe he did fear that. A hundred and ten years of exile after all - though she'd been back a little over three weeks, even she still feared waking and finding herself curled up under a table in Kisuke's shop, black fur a mess.
He misses you, Yoruichi-sama.
So he had. Even if this was all they were, all they remained, close friends walking side by side for as long as they knew one another, perhaps that was alright. No matter, Yoruichi didn't want to lose him, even if it meant living the rest of her life with that dull ache in her heart. It wouldn't be so bad. She shouldn't be so selfish. He had so many other things to worry about, from his illness to his new (rather wild) Lieutenant to his Division itself. And perhaps in that plethora of things, there was no time for... But so long as he never turned away, perhaps that was alright.
Yes. It was alright, so long as he never turned away.
Author Notes: Well, welcome to 'The White Winged Dove', a fic I initially began writing on a personal level for a friend. I decided to put it out onto the interwebs, for some weird reason. Haha. Hope you enjoy. And yes, yes I know I'm way late on my A:TLA fics - they'll get updated soon as I figure out what I was doing with them, no worries. LTS is almost done anyway.