Urban Legends Are Parodies Too

by sinecure

Once again Spike, Willow, Buffy, and Xander are forced to read and mock a movie. Revamped last two chapters.

1. Urbans Legends Are Parodies Too (part 1)

Title: Urban Legends Are Parodies Too an MST of Urban Legends

Author: sinecure

Summary: An MST-style fic Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy. I stuck them in a room, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read my first one, I Know What They Parodied Last Summer, and it should clear up some of your confusion... but not much.

Disclaimer: The movie they're riffing on-Urban Legends-and the shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel (in case I mention stuff from there), and Mystery Science Theater 3000, don't belong to me. I'm show-less and movie-less, which probably explains why I'm writing fanfics and parodies of fanfics.

A/N: I liked this movie to some extent... so, all the riffing and jokes and such are done in good faith. Speaking of Faith, this takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, but before Tara comes in. Anya's in the picture so is Riley. And that's about it, I think. No time specific.

A/N: This was transcribed by someone else, I found it and decided to use it for my own devious devices, for I am evil. Anyway, I changed no wording or phrasing, fixed no spelling mistakes, or grammatical errors; they all belong to the transcriber. If he/she doesn't like this being used, let me know and I'll beg you lots to let me use it.

---

Spike was bored. This place was worse than the bathtub at Giles' flat. He forced himself not to sigh as he stood up. The utter lack of anything resembling energy, or interest was grating on his nerves now. He didn't have the urge to do anything specific, or general, but he did want to do something other than the same thing they'd done everyday. Lately, all four of them had been pretty damn apathetic. They hadn't even discussed how to get out of the house, and when they did, they quickly lost interest in the subject.

The window on his left called to him, and he had no reason not to heed the call. He threw it open, and leaned against the sill, blowing smoke through the invisible barrier. It didn't light up like he still half expected it to. Nothing at all happened. Nothing ever did in this place, except the arrival of new rooms, and the occasional movie script.

They almost had a complete house now. Four bedrooms, complete with their own bathrooms, a kitchen, a front room, a front door that wouldn't let them out, and numerous other, useless rooms. And two scripts. Not to mention a partridge in a pear tree.

Occasionally he got to relieve some of his boredom by arguing with someone... usually Buffy, but that was really it. This place was slowly driving him bonkers. Despite his best efforts, a sigh escaped him anyway. Maybe he should do as he'd wanted to do for three days now. Go through the door between his and Willow's rooms, and- and what? Kill her? No, not that. Not yet anyway. Maybe have a little fun with her. He'd been watching her a lot since his incarceration... both at the Watcher's place, and this place they were in now. She intrigued him, though he couldn't say why. And that meant no killing of her yet.

Besides, if he did anything now, they'd probably figure out the chip wasn't working. Buffy'd kill him for sure then.

Well, there was nothing for it but to go out there, and face them. Maybe something interesting would happen. Tossing his cigarette out the window a split second before remembering the barrier, he cursed himself for being an idiot and stomped it out, along with any possible sparks.

Standing in the doorway to the front room, he could see that they were all there, and he could tell, even after only one

glance, that another script had shown up. They'd been there a week now, and only been forced to read two, and they'd begun to think they'd get a break and not have to read any more. Apparently, no such luck. "What is it this time?"

"We're afraid to look," Buffy told him from her spot on the white couch in the middle of the room. "And here was me thinking we wouldn't be subjected to anymore."

"You and everyone else," Xander said. He, for once being the brave one, stood and grabbed the top page of the stack on the table. His groan boded ill, Spike was sure. "Urban Legends."

Spike rolled his eyes, positive their host was a teenybopper with a horror movie fetish, or a slightly older-man, woman, or demon, who knew?-with a cruel streak. Willow was silent, the only one silent, while the rest of them grumbled and complained. He... well, he wouldn't say he admired that about her, but he did think it was admirable... so, okay , he did admire her for it. So, what? Did that make him less of a demon for it?

Yes.

Leaving the room, he went into the kitchen to heat up a mug of blood. Human blood. He was getting used to having it all the time again, and was afraid that when-if-they got out of there, he'd have to leave town, or be killed by Buffy. He was smart enough to realize that, by himself, he didn't stand a chance against her. He was out of shape after being impotent and imprisoned. Refusing to think about it now, he went back into the front room, and sat down with the others in the chairs. He was second chair from the right, with Buffy on that side, Willow on his left, and Xander on the other side of her.

---

"Let the torture begin," he muttered.

-URBAN LEGEND

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT - RAINING

SPIKE: Stuck. Stupid movie. Bored.

-The only vehicle on the road is a land rover. It turns a corner.

INT. LAND ROVER

MICHELLE MANCINI, a college student at Pendleton University listens to the radio. Michelle has black, short cropped hair.

BUFFY: ...her turn-ons include money, and diamonds. Her turn-offs are nerds, and smart people.

-Sasha - (from radio)

You're listening to "Under the covers" with Sasha, on WZAB, the voice of Pendleton University. We're still talking to?

WILLOW: Well, if she doesn't know, how should we?

-Jane -

Jane. Sophomore. Hi.

BUFFY: Buffy. Freshman. Bye.

-EXT. ROAD

The land rover continues down the road.

XANDER: (as land rover) Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

-Sasha _ (voice-over)

So, you've been stealing your roommate's birth control pills?

Jane - (voice-over)

Borrowing, okay? She never noticed before because I've been replacing them with baby aspirin.

ALL: O_O

-Sasha - (voice-over)

With what?

Jane - (voice-over)

Baby aspirin. Looks exactly the same. Anyways, now she's pregnant and has to leave school.

WILLOW: (as Jane) ...and she's totally blaming me, can you believe that? How selfish can a person be?

-INT. LAND ROVER

Jane - (cont'd)

And how the hell am I going to get a new roommate this late in the semester?

ALL: (laugh)
WILLOW: This girl makes Harmony look like Gandhi.
SPIKE: (offended) Hey! (then) Wait, no, you're right.

-Michelle reaches into the back seat.

XANDER: ...to pet her pet lion, Fifi, who bites her hand off. She careens into a tree, dies, and... scene!

-EXT. ROAD

A car comes at Michelle's car.

XANDER: It fakes left, then fakes right, then comes straight at her, trying to psyche her out.
WILLOW: (as other car) Boo.
XANDER: But she triumphs over the evil Vehicle of Doom.

-INT. LAND ROVER

Michelle reaches for a tape when she hears the car honk its horn! Michelle grabs the steering wheel and swerves out of the way.

XANDER: ...thereby avoiding almost certain owies.

-Michelle -

Oh my God.

BUFFY: (as Michelle) ...like, I am so sure! I totally had the right of way, duh, I'm, like, the main character.
WILLOW: Um, Buffy...?
BUFFY: Yeah?
WILLOW: You do know that Michelle-
SPIKE: (cough)Shh!(cough)
WILLOW: Um, never mind.

-Sasha -

Next caller.

Michelle puts in a tape.

BUFFY: ...of Richard Simmons' Sweatin' to the Oldies, but quickly realizes that she can't sweat to the oldies while driving.

-Singer -

When I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of tears-

WILLOW: Um, what exactly do tears sound like?
SPIKE: Plop. Plop. Plop.
BUFFY: Drip. Drip. Drip.
XANDER: ... (shrugs) I got nothin'.

-Michelle - (singing along)

Turn around. Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that all the best years have gone by, turn around. Every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes. Turn around, bright eyes. Every now and then I fall apart. Turn around, bright eyes.

EXT. ROAD

Michelle's land rover passes a brightly lit, crowded gas station.
SPIKE: Gosh, could that possibly be foreshadowing?
XANDER: No.
BUFFY: Unh-uh.
WILLOW: Nope. Not at all.

-Michelle - (voice-over)

Every now and then I fall apart. And I need you now tonight. More than ever. And if you'll only hold onto me tight, we'll be

holding on forever.

EXT. ROAD

The land rover speeds by.

XANDER: Vroooooom!

-INT. LAND ROVER

The rain starts to come pouring down again.

Michelle -

Oh no.

BUFFY: (as Michelle) ...the sky is leaking.

-She turns on the windshield wipers. She hears a beeping sign and looks down.

SPIKE: (as Michelle) Uh-oh! My pants are beeping... time to have sex again.

-The pointer is on the E.

XANDER: ...for Exciting!
BUFFY: Excellent!
SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Egads.
WILLOW: Ewwwwwwww! (all eyes turn to her) Oh, that was for the script, not a real ew. I am, at the moment, rather ew-less.

-Michelle -

Oh shit.

WILLOW: ...and now I'm ew-full.
BUFFY: (chuckles)

-She looks out the window and spots a small gas station.

XANDER: (as Michelle) There's one! (beat) There's one! (beat) There's one!

-Michelle -

Please make it.

BUFFY: (as Michelle) ...be filled with lots of fattening snack foods for me to eat to fill the void in my life from my lack of anything resembling friends or loved ones.
OTHERS: O_O
XANDER: ...Buffy? You okay?
BUFFY: Absolutely. Why?
WILLOW: (quickly) No reason.
SPIKE: (snickers)

-EXT. ROAD/GAS STATION

CLOSE ON:

a sign that reads "B & B Gas."

XANDER: Bed & Breakfast.
SPIKE: Bimbos & Breasts.
BUFFY: Bold & Brazen.
WILLOW: Beautiful & Bodacious.

-As the land rover pulls into a pump,

SPIKE: ...it smashes it to pieces, sending gas and sparks flying. One of the sparks catches fire and everything explodes. The end.
WILLOW: (snorts with laughter) We're ever hopeful, aren't we?

-it rolls over a cord that activates the service bell.

SPIKE: That's boring. Mine was much better.

-Michelle waits for somebody to come. When nobody does, she honks the horn three times.

SPIKE: (as Michelle) Um, somebody please come... I really need someone to come... right now, please. Come now.
XANDER: (hides his laughter behind a cough)
BUFFY: Ooo, look, Will... Spike was being witty in his usual perverted way.
WILLOW: (nods) Yep, I was there when that happened.

-She looks around and sees a lot of junk cars everywhere. She honks the horn again. Michelle turns away from her window and

looks straight ahead. Suddenly, the GAS STATION ATTENDANT bangs against the window. Michelle gasps. The attendant has long hair and talks slowly and stutters a lot. Michelle is frightened by him.

BUFFY: (as Michelle) You have long hair, you talk slowly and stutter a lot... I am frightened by you.
XANDER: (as Michelle) And later I plan to mock you with my friends.
BUFFY: ...that she doesn't have and therefore eats fattening foods to make up for.

-Attendant -

R-r run out of gas?

WILLOW: (as Michelle) Nope.
BUFFY: (as attendant) Then wh-wh-why are y-you here?
XANDER: (as Michelle) To mock and ridicule you.
BUFFY: (as attendant) O-O-O-
SPIKE: (elbows Buffy)
BUFFY: (as attendant) -K!

-Michelle reaches into her purse and pulls out a credit card. She rolls down the window a crack and sticks it out.

XANDER: (as Michelle, seductively) Here it is, baby, come and get it. Work for it, baby, work for it... (shudders) Whoa. : Of?
WILLOW: (amused) The Fabulous Lady's Night club.
XANDER: (nods) That'd be the one.

-Michelle -

Yeah. Fill it up.

SPIKE: If she insists on saying things like that-
WILLOW: You'll refrain from commenting?
SPIKE: (snorts) Not bloody likely.
WILLOW: Why don't we try for PG-13 this time?
SPIKE: Shit no!
WILLOW: ...and there it went.
SPIKE: (laughs)

-The attendant takes the credit card. He moves over to a pump.

XANDER: (as attendant) Umm... let's see... how do I work this thing? Connect hose to penis and-
WILLOW/BUFFY: Xander!
SPIKE: (laughs uproariously)
XANDER: (chuckles) Sorry.

-Michelle -

Freak show.

ALL: Where? O_O
WILLOW: (as Michelle) He is different from me, therefore, he is a freak.

-The attendant grabs the hose and unscrews her gas tank.

SPIKE: (to Willow) How am I not supposed to comment on wording like that?
WILLOW: (primly) Very easily.

-He sticks the hose into the tank.

SPIKE: (groans) I'm supposed to just remain silent? Not say anything?
WILLOW: Yep. (encouragingly) You can do it!
SPIKE: (sighs)

-He looks into her backseat.

The attendant starts heading back to the gas station. He looks back at Michelle

XANDER: (as attendant) Yep, still ugly.

-and starts to run.

Michelle waits while her car fills up.

CLOSE ON:

the numbers on the pump as they roll by. Michelle looks out her window, then at the gas station.

BUFFY: (as Michelle, singing) La de da de dum, la de da de dum, what's the name of that song? (louder) And it goes, LA DE DA DE DUM, LA DE DA DE DUM, WHAT'S THE-

-CLOSE ON:

the numbers as they continue to climb higher and higher. The attendant comes running out of the gas station and over to

Michelle's land rover.

BUFFY: (as Michelle) ...NAME OF THAT SOOOOOOONG!
WILLOW: (as attendant) Excuse me, Miss Cat Screeching?
BUFFY: (as Michelle, screams) ...you scared me!
WILLOW: (as attendant) You should talk!

-Attendant -

M-m-m miss, c-could you come inside for a m-minute?

SPIKE: (as Michelle) Well... I'd prefer to come out here, but if I have to...
WILLOW: (sighs) You were doing so well.
SPIKE: (shrugs)

-Michelle -

Is there a problem?

XANDER: (as attendant) You mean besides that giant cockroach trying to eat its way inside your vehicle? Nope!

-The attendant holds up her credit card.

BUFFY: (as attendant) Come and get it, come on! Come on! Oh, that's a good girl, yes, it is!

-Attendant -

Credit c-card c-company's on the ph-phone. They wanna sp-speak with you.

Michelle -

Okay. Hold on a minute.

WILLOW: (as Michelle) First I want to laugh at you from the safe confines of my car. I'll be right with you.

-The attendant backs away.

XANDER: (as attendant) She's more evil than I thought... I'll have to get my Bitch-Girl Ray Gun. To the Gas-Station-Attendant-Mobile!

-Michelle -

Shit.

SPIKE: ... was that an order?

-She grabs a can of

BUFFY: ...spray paint, hoping to do some last minute touch-ups to her make-up.

-pepper spray and puts it inside her jacket. She throws on her

BUFFY: ...squirrel-skin coat, hoping the little squirrel heads and tails still attached will help to keep her warm, and allow her to blend in more easily amongst the redneck, backwoods, hick-type gas station attendant.

-jacket and gets out of the land rover.

EXT. GAS STATION

She pulls out her automatic

XANDER: ...weapon, spraying the gas station with gunfire, knowing she can't kill Attendant Man with mere bullets, but praying it will allow her time to get away.

-door lock and presses a button. All the doors lock with a beep. She jogs into the gas station.

WILLOW: (as Michelle) Feel the burn, feel the burn. Whew! What a workout. I am beat.

-INT. GAS STATION

Michelle looks around while the attendant closes and locks the door. Michelle heads over for the phone. She picks it up.

Michelle -

Hello?

XANDER: (as attendant) Um, you have it upside down. Try turning it- yeah, there you go. You're a smart girl! Yes, you are!

-All she hears is a busy signal. The attendant moves toward her and grabs her.

BUFFY: (as attendant) Haha, you're mine now! I've always wanted a bitch of my very own.
SPIKE: As do we all.
BUFFY: (to Spike, snidely) And you've got one. How is Harmony these days?
SPIKE: Well-sexed.
XANDER: (chuckles)

-Michelle -

No! Don't touch me!

WILLOW: (as Michelle, flatly) No, please. Don't touch me. No. Don't.

-She pushes him away

BUFFY: ... as she does with every man in her life, completing the pattern of aloofness she's kept up since she her daddy left her.

-and runs over to the door. She pushes on it

XANDER: ...not realizing it's actually a wall.

-but it won't open.

XANDER: ...because it's actually a wall.

-The attendant grabs her.

Michelle -

Let me go!

She grabs her pepper spray and sprays him full in the face. He falls to the ground, moaning.

SPIKE: (as attendant) Was it good for you too, baby?

-Michelle runs over to the phone and throws it through the window. She runs over to the window. The attendant starts to get

to his feet. Michelle climbs onto the window.

Michelle -

No!

SPIKE: No? Who's she talking to?
BUFFY: The window.
WILLOW: It's being naughty.
BUFFY: Bad window!

-She falls out backward through the smashed window.

XANDER: (as Michelle) Owie, I broke a nail.

EXT. GAS STATION

Michelle -

No!

BUFFY: Bad window!

-The attendant stands up.

XANDER: (as attendant) I can walk! It's a miracle!

-Attendant -

No! Stop!

XANDER: (as attendant) I don't like this walking thing, it scares me.

-Michelle runs for her car. She tries to unlock it with her automatic door lock. The car alarm goes off. The attendant has

made it to the door, unlocks it, and throws it open.

WILLOW: (as attendant) And stay out!

-Attendant -

Stop!

Michelle runs over to her car and pulls open the door. She gets in and slams the door shut. The attendant slams his hands down on the hood.

Attendant -

Stop!

Michelle puts her foot down and the car goes forward, knocking the attendant down. He stands up, watching as the land rover

speeds away.

WILLOW: Um, didn't she just run over him?
XANDER: Yup, looks that way.
WILLOW: So, wouldn't he be dead? Or at least hurt a lot?
XANDER: Yup.
SPIKE/BUFFY: Vampire.

-Attendant -

S-Somebody's in the backseat!

BUFFY: (as Michelle) It's just Fifi, my pet lion. Thanks anyway though.

-His words send chills through the night.

ALL: ...
XANDER: (quietly) ... brr.

-EXT. ROAD

The land rover speeds away.

XANDER: Vrooooooooooooooom!

-We hear the tape playing.

BUFFY: (as Richard Simmons) Lift those thighs, and one and two and lift those arms, get 'em moving!

-INT. LAND ROVER

Michelle is crying.

BUFFY: (as Michelle, crying) Richard Simmons is scary, how do I shut him off? Somebody help me!

-There are lighting blasts that light up the backseat. Suddenly, a dark form appears, rising from the back seat. With another lightning blast we see a double-headed axe in the shape's hands.

SPIKE: (rubs his hands together) Now we're getting somewhere.
BUFFY: (to Spike) You're sick.
SPIKE: (to Buffy) You're a skinny bimbo.
BUFFY: (offended) You're dating Harmony!
SPIKE: (snorts, ticking the names off on his fingers) Angel. Parker. Riley.
WILLOW: Guys! Stop.
SPIKE/BUFFY: (glare at each other)

-Michelle - (singing, crying)

I get a little bit worried. Turn around, bright eyes.

She looks into her rear view mirror. She gasps and turns around, right as the shape swings the axe. It connects with her neck.

BUFFY: But... she's the main character. She can't die!
XANDER: (to Buffy) You did.
BUFFY: Only for a minute. And I'm real, not a character in a movie.
SPIKE: She's not the main character, idiot.
BUFFY: I'm warning you, Spike...
WILLOW: (clears her throat loudly)
BUFFY/SPIKE: (glare at Willow)

-EXT. LAND ROVER

The axe comes breaking through the window, shattering it. Blood flies out the window, mixing with the rain.

The axe slowly fades from view.

SPIKE: (reverently) That was beautiful, man.
XANDER: You're quite the icky guy, Spike.
SPIKE: (grins)

-FADE TO:

EXT. PENDLETON UNIVERSITY - NIGHT - LATER

A STUDENT walks up a long flight of stairs,

XANDER: (as student, panting) Only two-hundred more to go.

-heading for a huge dorm. The camera pans over to a window on the third floor of a building. This is the radio station.

Sasha -

You're "Under the covers" with Sasha on WZAB, the voice of Pendleton University.

INT. RADIO STATION/SASHA'S ROOM

A room with a table in the middle. Mikes surround it.

WILLOW: (as Sasha) Mike, I'd like you to meet Mike.
XANDER: (as Mike) Nice to meet ya, Mike. This here is Mike.
BUFFY: (as Sasha) And this is Mike. Mike, say hello to Mike and Mike.

-SASHA, a girl with blond hair, stands next to the table.

XANDER: Hey, she's not under the covers... that's false advertising.
BUFFY: (snorts) No, that's wishful thinking on your part.

-Sasha -

Caller?

Woman -

Hello?

WILLOW: (as caller) Hi, Sasha, um, I've been stealing my roommate's heart medication, and replacing it with bubble gum,

and now she's dead. What am I going to do?

-Sasha waves to her PRODUCER, who is in the room adjacent to the one she's in.

BUFFY: (as Sasha) Hi, producer!

-Sasha -

I'm right here.

ALL: ... 'K.

-The producer holds up a card with the word "Felicia" on it. Sasha peers through the rectangular window dividing the two

rooms.

Sasha -

Felicia. What can I help you with?

Felicia -

Well, it's kind of embarrassing.

Sasha -

Spit it out, Felicia.

WILLOW: patooie!

-Felicia -

That's the problem. I mean, I didn't.

ALL: O_O

-Sasha sits down in a chair and starts caressing a mike.

WILLOW: (as Sasha) I love you, microphone.

Sasha -

Ah. Had a little frat boy protein shake, did ya?

SPIKE: (snorts with laughter) This could turn out to be a decent time after all.

-Felicia -

I feel so sick. I mean, I can feel them swimming inside me.

Should I get my stomach pumped or something?

BUFFY: Um... this is sort of-
WILLOW: It really is.
XANDER: Cover your eyes, girls!
WILLOW: We're not ten, Xander. We know about sex. We've had sex.

-Sasha makes the universal sign of craziness.

BUFFY: ...by walking around the room and clucking like a chicken.

-Sasha -

Felicia, the only thing you need to get pumped is the air out of your head.

The producer nods his head in agreement.

BUFFY: (as producer) I agree.

-Sasha - (cont'd)

First, let me congratulate you on your choice of sexual activity, because the world is not ready for you to reproduce. Second, did you know that ingestion of major bodily fluids is a safe sex no-no?

WILLOW: (as Felicia) You mean, I could get pregnant? Don't worry, I've been stealing my roommate's diaphragm.
BUFFY: (as Sasha) Um, no, that's not what I mean, I- ew.
XANDER: Stop it, you two! You're not supposed to know about-and especially not talk about-this kind of stuff! It's just not right.
WILLOW/BUFFY: (roll their eyes)

-Felicia -

Really?

Sasha -

Really. My suggestion is that you down a couple of shots of Pepto, and next time get away from the volcano before it erupts.

XANDER: (nearly apoplectic)
SPIKE: (laughs) This is all it takes to shut him up?

-CUT TO:

INT. STUDENT UNION - SAME TIME

A large, spacious room where students come to relax.

WILLOW:: (as student) I'm so relaxed.

-Sasha - (voice-over)

That wraps up another night. This is Sasha, signing off for WZAB.

NATALIE SIMON, a cute girl with long, flowing red hair,

WILLOW: ...says her turn-ons are chocolate milk and bubble baths. Turn-offs include rude people, serial killers who stalk her, and work.

-grabs two cup of coffee and heads toward two couches, each facing each other.

Natalie - (grinning)

Parker, how does Sasha come up with that stuff?

XANDER: The couch's name is Parker?

-Pan down to PARKER, a guy with brown hair. He's laying down on the couch, reading a magazine.

WILLOW: (as Parker) Leave me alone, I'm relaxing.
BUFFY: Unfortunate name he's got there.
WILLOW: (pats Buffy's shoulder) Just remember, this isn't that Parker.
BUFFY: Right. (sighs)

Parker -

Devours every issue of Cosmo. Calls it her bible.

BUFFY: (as Sasha) And lo, the make-up brush did not cause flaking. So it is written, so shall it be.

-Natalie sits on the other couch. She hands her cup of coffee to BRENDA, Natalie's best friend. Brenda has curly brown hair.

BUFFY: ...her turn-ons are sweet, shy guys, and bland looks. Turn-offs are reading, and music.

-CUT TO:

PAUL, a handsome guy with brown hair

XANDER: ...two arms, and two legs, likes women, games, and comic books.

-as he walks over to the bar. He holds a newspaper in his hand.

XANDER: (claps) A hand for the skill with which he does these two things, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable!

-Brenda grabs Natalie's knee to get her attention.

SPIKE: Yeah, that's what she wants Natalie to think. (grabs Willow's knee)
WILLOW: (jumps nearly a foot) What are you-
SPIKE: (grins) Just wanted to get your attention.
BUFFY: (stares daggers at Spike) Remove it.
WILLOW: Okay, attention gotten.
SPIKE: (removes his hand)

-Natalie looks over and sees Paul. From the look on Brenda's face, we can tell she is attracted to him.

XANDER: (as Brenda) I am attracted to him.

-Brenda -

So, Parker, finish your story about Stanley Hall.

BUFFY: (as Brenda, loudly) If I talk loudly Paul might notice me!

-Parker sits up. He throws the magazine on the table in between the two couches.

XANDER: (as Parker) I've already read this Playgirl.

Parker -

Right. So this guy, a professor here twenty five years ago.

WILLOW: Oh, no.
XANDER: What?
WILLOW: Bad sentence structure.
SPIKE: At least there aren't any typos. No mental fixes on this one, right?
WILLOW: You're right. (breathes deeply) Right.
BUFFY: But up there I saw a typo-
WILLOW No, you didn't.

-Brenda -

What did he teach?

BUFFY: (as Parker, confused) Classes.

-Parker -

I don't know. Physics or some shit.

XANDER: (as Parker) I don't know, geez, am I telling this story or something...? Oh, wait, I am.

-Paul, over at the bar, answers Brenda's question.

WILLOW: (as Paul) Yes, Brenda, there is a Santa Claus.

-Paul -

Abnormal psychology. You know, if you wanna tell the story right.

BUFFY: (as Parker) I don't, thank you very much.

-Parker is obviously mad that he was interrupted.

XANDER: (as Parker) I am mad that I was interrupted.

-Parker -

Not the point of the story, paperboy! But fine, abnormal psych it is. Any who, this guy, he just flips out. Goes completely

berserk, grabs a hunting knife...

SPIKE: (as Parker) ...and randomly butters pieces of bread! It was diabolical and heinous.

-Parker grabs a knife off of the table.

Parker - (cont'd)

Strolls into Stanley Hall, and bangs on every door.

Parker bangs on the table for effect.

Parker -

And every student who answered their door...

BUFFY: (as Parker) ...got their bread buttered. Total pandemonium ensued, as you can imagine.

-Paul pays the man at the bar and slowly walks away, eyeing Parker.

WILLOW: (as Paul) Parker's so handsome...

-Parker - (cont'd)

He takes the knife and he cuts their throat, ear to ear. Yeah. Does away with an entire floor before finally stabbing himself straight through the heart! Oh!

Parker pretends to stab himself in the heart.

SPIKE: Only pretends? Amateur.

-Parker - (cont'd)

And thus, the annual Omega Sigma Phi bash.

Parker falls back onto the couch. Brenda is disgusted.

BUFFY: (as Brenda) I am disgusted.

-Brenda -

You have a party to commemorate a massacre?

Parker -

You betcha.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) You kill people to have fun?
XANDER: (as Parker) You betcha.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) You torture people because it's neat?
XANDER: (as Parker) You betcha.
SPIKE: My kinda guy.

-Paul walks over and sets his bag down.

Paul -

Parker, let me get this straight. When this happened twenty five years ago, you were a... sophomore?

Paul sits down in a chair next to the two couches.

Parker -

That's funny.

ALL: No, it isn't.

-Paul -

Well, it's the same bullshit story you hear on every campus in the Northeast.

Natalie -

Thank you. I mean, where's the proof?

XANDER: (as Paul) Oh, I have no proof, I'm just saying.

-Parker -

You see, Pendleton knew damn well that enrollment would suffer permanently. So, in cahoots with the national news media and

other powerful sources-

Paul -

Like Lee Harvey Oswald? Or was it Jack Ruby? No, no. I know who it was. It was that F.B.I. guy who used to prance around in

women's clothing. He was the guy who covered it all up, huh?

BUFFY: (as Parker) Yeah! How'd you know?

-Paul's pager BEEPS. He checks it.

WILLOW: (as Paul) Yep, it beeped.

-Paul -

Oop!

SPIKE: (as Paul, singing) Alley oop-oop, oop, oop-oop... (as himself) I'm alone on that one?
OTHERS: (nod slowly)

-That's the newsroom. I gotta go. Got a life.

XANDER: (as Paul) ...but they'll only hold it for me for an hour.

-Paul stands up and grabs his bag.

Parker -

Hey, Paul?

Paul -

Yeah.

Parker -

If there's another E. Coli crisis in the cafeteria, I want you to have the biggest, juiciest burger on me.

SPIKE: (as Paul) You want me to have the biggest, juiciest burger... and eat it off of you? Well, whatever floats your boat.
WILLOW: Um, yuck. Imagery.
BUFFY: (nods in agreement) Ew.

-He hands Paul a wad of cash. Paul takes it out and starts to walk away.

XANDER: ...then he stops, dons a tutu, twirls around the room, and leaves.

-Paul -

I'd love to. That article almost won me the student Pulitzer.

Brenda -

Bye, Paul.

Parker - (mockingly)

"Bye, Paul." Know what his problem is?

XANDER: Hemorhoids?
BUFFY: Gingivitis?
SPIKE: Fleas?
WILLOW: Ulcer?

-He can't stand any big story without his byline on it.

ALL: Ohhhhhhhh.

-Parker stands up and leaves.

Brenda -

He is such a babe.

WILLOW: Wait, now she likes Parker?
BUFFY: I think she was talking about Paul.
WILLOW: You sure?
BUFFY: No.

-She turns to face Natalie.

Brenda -

All right, did it seem like he was giving me the eye?

XANDER: No. Not at all.

-Natalie -

Uh, it was probably the mirror behind us.

They both turn and look at the mirror behind them.

XANDER: Okay, so, he was giving himself the eye in the mirror?
WILLOW: Sure.
XANDER: Well, okay then.

-Brenda -

Oh, damn. Should I ask him out anyway?

She giggles.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) Tee hee, I'm so cute.

-EXT. STANLEY HALL

A gigantic, boarded up dorm. It's very run-down, considering nobody has lived in it for over twenty five years. Brenda and

Natalie walk toward it, conversing.

Brenda -

Okay, if Parker's story is true, and all those kids were murdered here, then why haven't they torn down Stanley Hall?

Natalie -

Because the story's not true. It's just a legend.

Brenda -

If it's just a legend, then what's the problem?

BUFFY: ... with?
OTHERS: (shrug)

-Natalie -

I won't encourage this.

Brenda -

Come on, Natalie. Cut me a little slack. This is half the reason

I transferred here.

WILLOW: She transferred to a college just because of an urban legend possibly having originated there?
BUFFY: Sure. Doesn't everybody?

-Brenda is overcome with an urge for danger. She claps her hands together.

XANDER: (as Brenda, laughing) Wow, that was so dangerous!
BUFFY: (as Natalie, gasps) Why'd you do that? You live on the edge, girl!

-Brenda -

What exactly happens when I say "Bloody Mary" five times?

Natalie -

The person standing next to you wonders how you got into college in the first place. Come on!

BUFFY: Hey, Natalie did our job for us. Cool, we can just sit back and-
XANDER: I doubt it.
WILLOW: Points for trying though.

-Brenda -

You're scared, Natalie!

Natalie -

Yeah, right!

Brenda -

Then come on and let's do this. Come on!

SPIKE: (as Brenda) Come on, let's have sex outside in front of everybody, it'll be fun!

-Brenda grabs hold of Natalie's arm and they both race toward Stanley Hall's arched entryway.

Brenda -

Time to raise the dead!

XANDER: Time to make the donuts.

-Natalie -

I can't believe this.

They race up the steps and stop in front of the boarded up door. There is a small, square hole in the board.

Natalie -

Okay. Okay.

Brenda starts to recite the words while Natalie looks on with amusement.

Brenda -

Bloody Mary.

They share a look and giggle.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) I'm so giddy.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) I'm so cute!

-VIEW

from behind them.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) Hey, that's my butt you're looking at, buster!

-Brenda -

Bloody Mary.

VIEW

of their front.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) Hey, those are my-
XANDER: I said, stop it!
SPIKE: (chuckles) Well, I wasn't looking at them before, but...
WILLOW: (covers up) Hey! We've been through this before. I was kidding. Again. And you can stop looking!
SPIKE: Prude.
WILLOW: Pervert.

-Brenda -

Bloody Mary.

CLOSE ON:

The small hole in the boards.

Brenda - (o.s.)

Bloody Mary.

CLOSE ON:

Natalie and Brenda.

ALL: AHHHHH!

-Brenda -

Bloody-

SPIKE: -hell this is taking forever.

-Natalie - (quickly)

Bloody Mary.

Brenda looks at Natalie and sighs. There's no response from the undead.

SPIKE: Response.

-Natalie -

Fine, no answer. Maybe they're screening.

Brenda -

God.

Suddenly, a male voice is heard. Soft, but rising in sound. The voice is SCREAMING!

WILLOW: (to transcriber) So are YOU!

-It's coming from the hole in the board! More and more screams emanate from the hole.

Brenda and Natalie start to back away from the door.

XANDER: Why? Is it evil?

-Brenda -

Let's go Natalie.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) But, I don't want to go Natalie. I want to go dancing.

-Natalie -

Yeah.

They continue to back away slowly from the screams of pain and agony.

CLOSE ON:

The hole as more screams emit from it.

WILLOW: Wow. That is one talented hole.
SPIKE: (opens his mouth to say something)
WILLOW: (shakes her head at him)
SPIKE: (sighs) Fine. Prude.
WILLOW: Pervert.

-CUT TO:

Brenda and Natalie as they back up into...

DAMON BROOKS!

XANDER: (as Damon) Ow! Get off my foot, Natalie. Brenda, watch the hair.

-They scream and turn to face Damon, who holds a flashlight. He has bleached blond hair.

SPIKE: ...and looks down on people, thinking them inferior. His turn-ons include violence and torture. Turn-offs are innocence and cute things.

-Damon -

You called?

WILLOW: (as Brenda) Me called Brenda.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Me called Natalie.

-Natalie -

She was trying to summon the dead, Damon, not frat boys with badly grown facial hair.

XANDER: Badly grown facial hair? What'd he do, grow it sideways?

-Brenda laughs while Damon rubs the few hairs on his chin.

Damon -

It took me a month to grow this.

Brenda -

Is this what you do with your free time, Damon?

BUFFY: ...grow facial hair?
WILLOW: Badly.

-Hang out here alone in the dark waiting to scare people like a total freak?

XANDER: (as Damon) Um, no, I wait to scare them like a weirdo. Get it straight.

-Damon -

Only when I see two losers standing in front of this old relic trying to summon the dead. Anyhow, I'll see you two in class

tomorrow.

XANDER: Well. That was rather... abrupt.
WILLOW: ... or something.

-Damon walks down the steps and heads away from them.

Brenda - (calling out)

Unfortunately!

XANDER: Oooo, burn! She's witty.

-Natalie -

See ya.

They begin to walk down the steps.

Brenda -

Jerk.

Brenda looks at Natalie and giggles.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) I'm so cute!
OTHERS: (look at her)
WILLOW: Sorry.

-Natalie -

God. You know, he was half way normal before pledge week.

XANDER: Yeah, I've heard that Lemon Pledge can change people.

-EXT. NATALIE'S DORM - LATER

Natalie walks through the arched passageway leading to the door of her dorm. Her footsteps echo in the tiny space.

BUFFY: Well, if she wasn't such a damn clod-hopper...

-INT. NATALIE'S DORM/DORM HALL

Natalie closes the door and turns around, only to bump into

THE JANITOR!

ALL: AHHHHHH!
WILLOW: Not the JANITOR!
BUFFY: Yes, the JANITOR!
XANDER: Egads! It's the JANITOR!
SPIKE: (shakes his head)

-She gasps. The janitor just looks at her, no expression showing on his face. He just holds his mop.

WILLOW: (as janitor) I love you, mop.

-Natalie -

Sorry.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...that your life is so sad that you have only your mop to love.

-She walks past him. He continues to mop as Natalie makes her way through the giant hall to her dorm room.

XANDER: According to this guy, every building in this movie is huge... is he from Liliput?

-CLOSE ON:

Natalie's door.

ALL: Ooo.

-Her hand comes into view holding a key. She puts it in the lock and turns.

BUFFY: (with awe) Such skill.

-There's a SNAP!

ALL: AHH!

-as the door unlocks. She starts to open the door.

INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM

CLOSE ON:

The door. Natalie opens it to the sound of rock music. She closes the door and turns on the light.

CLOSE ON:

TOSH, Natalie's Goth roommate, and Tosh's BOYFRIEND, who, at the moment, is on top of her, naked.

ALL: O_O
SPIKE: Pictures, damn it!
BUFFY: (chuckles) Of the naked guy?
SPIKE: (growls at Buffy) I'm debating killing you right now.
BUFFY: (scoffs) Oh, please.

-Tosh is pissed off by the intrusion.

XANDER: (as Tosh) How dare Natalie come into her own room... rude bitch.

-Tosh -

Shut off the fucking light!

SPIKE: (laughing) It's not the light that's fucking.
WILLOW: (smacks Spike's arm) ...and we're refraining...?
SPIKE: ...and no, we're not.
WILLOW: (pouts)

-CUT TO:

Natalie.

BUFFY: ...stands there watching, wondering why her boyfriend is naked on top of Tosh.
WILLOW: (sighs) Are we all going to slide down into the murky waters of perversity?
OTHERS: Yes.
WILLOW: Just wondered.

-Natalie -

Sorry.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...that your life is so sad that you have to have sex to feel loved.

-She flips the switch down. The room goes dark.

WILLOW: (gasps) It's magick!

-INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM - LATER

Tosh and her boyfriend are all over each other, moans of pleasure coming from Tosh. We PAN over to Natalie, lying in her bed,

SPIKE: ...fantasizing about Brenda-
WILLOW: (sternly) No! We're not going there. We're not.
SPIKE: (raises an eyebrow at her) Why are you such a prude?
WILLOW: I'm not. Why are you such a pervert?
SPIKE: (scoffs) The slightest little thing, and your voice gets high, your cheeks turn red, and-
XANDER: And how are you noticing all this... unless you're watching her, you pervert!
BUFFY: (sternly) Guys, please. Just let's finish this last paragraph, and then it's time for a break.
OTHERS: Fine.

-listening to her headphones. But the music does little to block out the sounds of Tosh and her boyfriend. She sighs as the

moaning continues.