Kappas Can Swim

by pink-neon

For the sake of his ego, Gojyo had come to the Mother of all decisions: learn how to swim. But will he learn it his way?

KAPPAS CAN SWIM

By: pink neon

Sha Gojyo can kill demons in one swipe. He can charm women with one smile. He can irritate Sanzo with one insult. He can steal Goku's food with one grab. But his weakness lies on the one thing that he can't do. It was something that even the young and the weak could do, much to his consternation. To simply put it, Sha Gojyo cannot swim.

It didn't help at all that Goku continued to tease and pester him about it when given the chance which brought another round of bickering from the two and lots of time for Sanzo to practice target shooting.

"Oi, kono ero kappa! Come and swim!"

"Don't call me a kappa, you baka saru!" Gojyo hollered. He watched Goku out of the window. He was dressed in nothing but shorts (God knows where he got those), his unruly brown hair wet and stuck on the nape of his neck like glue. The inn they were staying was in front of a crystal clear river and since the day was hot, Goku, being his usual hyper active self, went out for a swim, leaving Gojyo and Sanzo in charge of the room.

"What? You scared you'd drown?" Goku taunted, grinning.

Gojyo doubted the monkey had seen the glare he gave him. "Urasei! Don't make me come down and beat you into a bloody pulp!" he shouted, red in the face. When Goku didn't reply, he resumed smoking and staring off into space. Yet Goku's laughter and the splashing of water seduced Gojyo and soon, he was very much tempted to go join him.

But Goku was right. Gojyo, by any means, didn't know how to swim. And although Goku convinced him a while ago that the water is only neck level (let's not forget he's shorter than Gojyo), he was still afraid he'd drown.

Moments later, Hakkai came back from his grocery shopping at the village. He looked at the two room occupants with a smile. "Aren't you going for a swim?" he said. "Your brains will melt with this heat."

Sanzo snorted, newspapers in hand. "I'd rather leave the task of making a fool out of myself to Goku. He seems to be doing a pretty good job with it."

Hakkai chuckled. "How about you, Gojyo?"

"I'll have to agree with the bouzu this time," Gojyo replied, taking a drag from his cigarette. He also failed to mention his inability to swim. No use in giving the monk another thing to laugh about.

By the knowing look on Hakkai's face, he guessed as much. Rummaging through the brown paper bag on his hand, he pulled out a thin, worn-looking book and handed it to Gojyo, who in turn, raised his eyebrows at him.

"What the hell is this?" Gojyo asked, looking suspiciously at the large smile on his friend's face as he accepted the book.

"Oh, it's just something I saw along the way. I thought you'd like it," Hakkai replied.

Gojyo carefully opened it to the first page. His suspicions were confirmed. "The Complete Swimming Guide for Beginners?" he said incredulously, his gaze fixed on Hakkai, whose smile was widening.

Sanzo smirked. "Do yourself a favor, kappa, and try to do something productive for the first time," he said. "Or maybe you're too much of a coward?"

Gojyo, who was twitching dangerously, glared at him. "I'm no…no coward!" he sputtered. "You'll see that when I shove it up your ass that I know how to swim!"

And just as suddenly as that, Gojyo was gone.

"I didn't actually think he'd be up to commit suicide," Sanzo said, something akin to amusement in his voice.

"Hai, hai," Hakkai agreed with a nod of his head. "But don't worry, I trust Gojyo will be fine."

Oh, they have no idea…

O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O

Said person, on the other hand, had taken comfort under the shade of a large tree near the river. He was furious at Sanzo for egging him on, furious at himself for rising up to his bait and most of all, furious at Hakkai for even buying that stupid book in the first place. So now, for the sake of his…erm, manhood, he had been left with no choice. He must learn how to swim no matter what, or else Sanzo would make sure he wouldn't live to see tomorrow.

Gojyo stared at the book in his hands. Seems like it's his only ticket to his newfound goal…One might be surprised, because for a few minutes, Gojyo had actually read something not related to women in general. That is, until his patience failed him.

Tossing the book on the ground ahead of him, Gojyo cursed loudly. The book proved fruitless. All it said was that he needed to learn to breathe underwater and float. There was no explanation as to how.

"Damn Hakkai and his book," he muttered. Then a look of determination passed through his face. If no one is there to teach him, well, he'll be damned, for he'll have to do it himself, in his way…

O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O

Precisely ten minutes and forty seconds later, Hakkai stepped outside the inn, searching for Gojyo. He wanted to check on how Gojyo is doing. Of course, he had tried to convince Sanzo, but he was too absorbed in the daily newspaper that he didn't even bother. Hopefully, Gojyo wouldn't do anything stupid. That would be too Goku-like.

Hakkai finally found the redhead under a tree, sitting Indian-style on the grass. His face was unusually relaxed, his eyes closed, hands were resting calmly on his lap. He appeared to be sort of meditating. As to why, Hakkai had no idea.

"Gojyo?"

"Gojyo?"

On the third call, Gojyo cracked one eye. "Wha-?" A flash of surprise graced his face, and he almost toppled on the ground. "Hakkai! Oh, shit! You almost scared the pants off me!"

"Ah, I'm sorry to disturb you. I thought you were going to learn how to swim. What are you doing?" Hakkai said.

Gojyo grinned proudly. "I am. This, is what I would like to call…communing with nature," he said.

"As much as I think you actually are on to something, I don't get it," Hakkai said.

"Tsk. Tsk. Let me, the master, explain it to you," Gojyo said smugly. "You see, I figured I wouldn't get anything but my brains being squished with that book of yours. So I decided to do it my way. I thought that swimming in water would be so much alike as swimming in bed, which you know I'm an expert on. So I applied the rules in swimming in bed, and that is to get to know the woman you're sleeping with first. Now do you understand what I'm getting at?"

Silence…

More silence…

"Hakkai? You still alive there?"

Finally, Hakkai couldn't take it anymore. He burst out laughing.

Gojyo had a look of confusion on his face. He'd never seen Hakkai laugh like that before. "And what, may I ask, is so funny?"

Hakkai was still sprawled on the grass, laughing his heart out. "Let…hahaha…me…haha…get…this…hah…straight…" he managed to say. "…You…"

Gojyo gritted his teeth. "Oh, just spit it out!"

Hakkai took a while before he finally calmed himself. "You thought that getting to know the river will help you in swimming because you thought that the rules in…doing, you know, is the same as that of swimming?"

"Yeeees. Now what has this got to do with you laughing at me as if I'm as stupid as the monkey?"

Oh, if he only knew…

"Because you thought wrong," Hakkai finally blurted out.

"Eh?"

"You wouldn't actually learn anything by just sitting and staring at the water, Gojyo," Hakkai explained.

"Whaaaaaaat!"

O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O

Another hour, another place…Sha Gojyo, having recovered from the initial shock that what he had been doing a while ago was a complete waste, found himself in the river, clutching a thick branch as if it was life's very essence. In his mind, maybe it really is. Goku was merrily watching him from the other side of the river.

"C'mon, Gojyo! The water's cooler here!" he said.

"No way in hell!" Gojyo replied. He stared at him. He was pretty sure he would sink at the bottom once he went there. It was just too deep.

"Don't be such a wimp," Goku said, grinning. He was enjoying seeing Gojyo like this more than swimming itself. "Hakkai said you should learn how to float."

"Oh, who cares about what Hakkai says! I need to get out of this water, and fast! Oi, saru! Help me!" Gojyo didn't particularly care about his ego. It was already bruised enough. If you count having your normally calm and collected friend laugh at your expense…

Goku shook his head. "You should learn how to float first, and how to swim underwater," he said, like a teacher scolding his student.

Gojyo did what had become his Habit for the Day – grit his teeth. As much as he would like to argue, he knew objecting would do no good, for the monkey would most likely not stop until he got what he want. Why else did he somehow manage to make Sanzo buy him food, albeit the bruises and physical torture that came with it?

"Fine, then. Show me how to float."

And Goku did. For a few seconds, Goku was lying still, his back on the water. Then he stopped and turned to Gojyo with a grin. "See? It's easy! Now, you try, Gojyo!" he said.

Gojyo, reluctant to pry his fingers off the branch, thought for a minute. It did seem like lying down on one's bed. And that made Gojyo think of…other thoughts none related to the matter at hand. Which made him grin and release his hold on the poor branch, who had suffered enough from his mighty grip.

Relax, he told his mind. Relax…

He imagined the water to be a bed. He wasn't about to drown. He was lying down next to a beautiful lady, about to start a night filled with passion. Again, he was not about to drown. No, no, no, no, he chanted.

He wasn't even aware that he was already floating. Not until Goku pointed it out, that is.

"Gojyo! You're floating! See? I told you I'd be a great instructor!"

That was enough to make Gojyo lose his concentration. He felt his body sinking.

And then, he got a tasteful of salty water.

"Gaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. "Help-" Gulp. "-me!"

Goku made no move to save him. "It's ok, Gojyo! You'll be fine! Pretend to be a fish! Fishes can swim!"

Somehow, that statement did nothing to make him feel better. I'd find greater reassurance from a fallen leaf than with that idiot! He thought as he flailed his arms frantically.

"Relax your body, Gojyo! Float again!"

Gojyo tried the "Pretend you're somewhere else" method again. And to his surprise, it was working.

Goku, seeing as the redhead succeeded already, decided it was time to switch to the next lesson. Swimming underwater.

He swam to where Gojyo was situated, and without warning, dunked his head under the water.

Gojyo, who a moment ago, was trying his best not to move his body for the fear of drowning, felt his head being pushed to the bottom by a hand that could only belong to Goku. In a movement so quick, he was sinking. Water was making its way to his nose and he couldn't breathe. When he tried to open his eyes, it stung.

Goku withdrew his hand and watched Gojyo's head disappear. He trusted Gojyo wouldn't drown. Or would he? After all, this day nasty things seemed to happen whenever people trust too much.

"Hey, Gojyo! Can you hear me?" he called.

Gojyo did not. He was too busy figuring a way to go on top. And then the monkey would wish he was never born. He kicked his feet in a manner he saw Goku do before and stretched his arms as wide as he could, trying hard to ignore the fact that there was lots of water on his nose.

"Gojyo?" Goku was looking worried by now. He mentally debated whether to pull him out now or not. That, itself, is an effort, seeing as Goku's brain isn't as large as others, as Gojyo "kindly" put it. But an answer was formed when a hand suddenly grabbed his leg, making him lose his balance.

Sputtering and coughing, Goku resurfaced, only to see a smirking Gojyo, whose determination to beat up Goku once he reached the surface had finally paid its toll. "How…"

"Simple, monkey boy. You forgot that I'm a great kisser, meaning, I'm familiar with the lack of oxygen. So it wasn't too long before I finally learned how to breathe underwater. And now, I CAN SWIM!" Gojyo proclaimed to the entire world.

Goku gulped. Uh-oh. That means trouble.

O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O

"I CAN SWIM!"

That remarked reached the ears of Hakkai and Sanzo, who had been watching them from their place in the inn for hours.

Sanzo tossed his cigarette on the ash tray. He scowled. "Why can't he be quiet just for one minute?" he growled.

Hakkai laughed. "Now, now. Let him be. It isn't everyday one gets to learn how to swim," he said.

"That's exactly what I'm afraid of. You know what happens once Goku and Gojyo knows how to swim. Trust Goku to help him. Now he's going to suffer, along with us and the people in the inn," Sanzo said darkly. "Pass me some Aspirin, would you?"

Hakkai did as was told. He knew very well Sanzo would need that. "After all…" he thought as he glanced outside, where the beginnings of a fight was taking place.

"Well, at least Gojyo finally found a new hobby," Hakkai said, optimistic as ever. "Water fighting."

Sanzo scoffed. "That's nothing new."

O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O

Ahhh! Here I am again with my weird and non-sense fics! Darn it! I don't even know if Goku really knows how to swim. Well, if not, then, in this fic, let's pretend that he does… Just couldn't help writing this…Just popped into my head this morning…And well, there's no sense in wasting ideas, right? Even crazy, pathetic ideas….