Coming to Terms…

By Shin Sankai

Authors Notes: One day I'll correct all the mistakes, but for now 'Tokyo' is meant to be Edo and all the flashbacks have been used from a translated version of the Rurouni Kenshin Manga.

Another day meditating at the temple. When was I ever going to learn that this was never meant to help me? Well I take that back. In ways it has helped me face reality, to face up to what I had done, what I had become. That was over 2 years ago. Should I not be feeling more relaxed, maybe content that I am alive, that the members of the Aoiya have welcomed me back? What was I really doing here? Sitting in my usual position, looking out the window at the beautiful day which was evolving and yet I never seemed to join it. This is so pathetic and childish of me, thinking that sitting in this temple was going to make all my problems go away.

Today I have finally convinced myself that sitting here will never help me release my burdens. I must face up to my responsibilities. Face up to my pain, my guilt and my nightmares. To everyone around me I am fearless, I am emotionless and yet deep inside I am alone and in my own darkness. I shake my head of these thoughts and rise to my feet to enter the small room I take shelter in at the temple. I look around noticing the room is in complete darkness, as I have not opened the shutters to let in the early morning sun. I am dressed in my usual yukata that I wear in the temple and I finally flop down, stomach first, on the waiting futon. Today was not a day for meditating or any other days after this one. I begin to breathe evenly and deeply letting my eyelids close and decide to rest.

xxxxxxx

I notice my senses awakening, wanting to take me away from the darkness of my sleep. I feel a presence in my sleeping quarters but show no fear but remain emotionless, as it is not here to hurt me. The presence is sweet, gentle and caring. One that I am faintly aware of, which has been around me for a long time. I feel my long bangs brushing my closed eyes and forehead lightly, as they are being moved away.

"Aoshi…" I now know it is Misao. She had whispered my name, thinking I was still in my slumber. She spoke my true name, something I had never heard come from her lips and now it seemed more personal. It was sweet coming from her, hearing her say it with no honorific. I could just imagine her face expression. Her ocean-blue eyes sparkling like they always do but holding concern and confusion at not being able to set me free from my guilt. A small secretive smile, which I had seen on her lips on more than one occasion during the past year.

She would be silently walking around the Aoiya as I had returned for dinner and that smile would be etched over her lips. Others wouldn't notice but I did. Late evenings at the Aoiya in the dining room, we would be the only ones left content in the company of each other. Me sitting in my usual place, sipping some hot tea and glancing over at Misao who was wiping down the table. She would be far away, locked in her mind and that secretive smile was on her lips. That's the way Misao was now. She still had that child-like sweetness about her, but she glowed with feminine beauty and looked like a true woman now. Little Misao-chan was still in her, making sure the others knew she was still full of energy and liked playing around and pulling tricks on them. That was this grown up Misao, our Misao-chan. I am interrupted from my thoughts at the pressure of Misao's fingertips brushing over my left cheek and her speaking softly once more.

"Why do you put yourself through so much pain?" Why indeed... Perhaps I needed, no wanted to punish myself for what happened to my four fallen comrades. I never took the responsibility of what happened to them. Himura Kenshin…the once Hitokiri Battousai…I had blamed him for everything and yet he came to help me, to bring me back to Misao, his promise to her. I had never apologised to him about my ways, about what happened to me. Perhaps, perhaps I should travel, to speak with him, to speak to the others, to finally come to terms with the fact that my guilt and my hatred for myself will never rest until I act upon it and face it. What about the members of the Aoiya? I have not even thanked them for their kindness, their loyalty in me. I am…I was their okashira, something I treasured within me and yet on our small quest I had forgotten where I stood. I was a leader, a role model to the others and yet my inner being craved to be number one and so I went off with my four best companions to seek out that title. Why? Why had I done that? Did I only want to prove to the others that I was the best, that I did rightfully deserve to be there leader? Maybe I needed to prove to myself that I could be better then what I was, what I am now. That is very selfish, a selfish act that had bad results, ones that I will never forget. One day I may overcome the darkness of my guilt but I shall always remember their deaths was partly my fault. I know they where protecting me but it should have never ended like that, they should have been protected as well, I should have known what may occur, what consequences we faced in staying there. What about Okina? He is a mentor and a fine elder. I had nearly killed him. In my darkest moment I nearly killed a member of the Oniwabanshuu, one of my people, since I was their leader back then. In my darkest moment I knew what I was doing was wrong and hadn't given into my complete rage as I made sure he could survive. Although badly injured and on the verge of death the old man still lived, he had true strength. I never apologised for that either. I have been so selfish. I was only thinking of myself as though I was the one in pain and yet everyone around me felt pain as well. After nearly killing him that's when I first saw her. It had been many years and there she was. Those beautiful eyes, as I remembered them when she was younger, but now they glistened with tears at seeing what happened. She saw everything…

"Misao…" I accidentally spoke her name out loud and I knew she would have heard. I guess now was the time to wake up. I blinked a few times noticing a few candles burned in the room. I finally turned on my back and noticed a small blush covering Misao's cheeks. She was kneeling beside me watching me sleep. Even in sleep she wanted to make sure I was all right. I swear if I ever let her or if she were even game enough she'd want to stay with me 24 hours a day just to watch over me. I looked up into her eyes and she began fidgeting bringing the tea tray in front of her and began making some tea with slightly shaky hands.

"Why aren't you meditating Aoshi-sama?" Misao had spoken trying to cover up her slight embarrassment. I sat up and spoke looking over at the now opened shutters watching the leaves blow in the breeze.

"I did not feel like meditating."

"Aoshi-sama…" I looked over at Misao's slight change in voice as she had spoken in a slightly broken whisper. Her eyes were cast downwards and I watched her small hands shake slightly. Hot tea spilled on her hands and she shrieked lightly and dropped the small cup. Tea spilled onto the tray and the wooden floor and yet her eyes were still cast at whatever she was looking at. I finally followed her gaze noticing in my sleep my yukata had opened up baring my chest and the infinite amount of scars etched on my skin. My shoulders slouched slightly as I bowed my head and slowly retied the yukata up. I could feel Misao's intense gaze staring at me, wanting to take away my pain, but she wouldn't know where to start.

"Aoshi-sama I'm sor-"

"Don't Misao." I spoke cutting her off. I looked over at her noticing those beautiful eyes fill with unshed tears as she clamped her pale hands together close to her heart. She was on the verge of crying for me again. How many times had she done that in the past 12 years? Her bottom lip quivered slightly and I watched her pearly white teeth clamp down on it to stop any sort of movement. Those eyes are now closed off to me, as she tries to fight the tears away, trying to be strong in front of me. I silently curse myself for making her feel like this yet again and speak once more.

"You should never have to apologise Misao. None of this has ever been anyone's fault but my own. I brought this upon myself and I need to do something about all of this." I was surprised at my voice being surprisingly gentle. My head was bowed again as I looked at the small puckered scars embedded into the palms of my hands.

"Aoshi-sama…" Her small whisper was full of concern and love but held confusion, not knowing what I was going to say next.

"I have to go away again." I spoke quickly but quietly to her.

"NO!" I watch as her creamy small hands try and cover my larger ones fearing the worst. I looked up noticing Misao's head was bowed slightly and her shoulders shook at her silent sobs. This was probably the worst thing she has ever heard me say to her since I told her I never wanted to see her face again when I nearly killed Okina. Her small delicate hands had a death grip on mine, never wanting to let go. I closed my eyes knowing I shouldn't say what I was about to but couldn't help myself. I clasped her hands tightly liking the feel of her small ones cradled in my larger ones.

"I want…" I quickly faulted in my words. What the hell was I going to say? No I knew what I felt and knew what I wanted to say but it just wasn't coming out. What if she doesn't accept? What would I do then? I opened my eyes and found those big blue eyes searching mine for any hint or clue as to what was happening. Tear streaks caressed her slightly heated cheeks but she had stopped crying moments ago. I unclasped my right hand and watched as she reluctantly let go as well. With a hesitant gesture I placed my fingers on her left cheek wiping away her tears and looking into her slightly surprised and widened eyes. I watched her moist lips part and she spoke in a slight whisper.

"Aoshi-sama you're stalling for time…" I chuckled inwardly knowing that is exactly what I was doing. I was trying to come up with a way of telling her what I was going to do but was becoming too cowardly. My lips parted slightly as though wanting to say something but Misao speaking to me once again cut me off and I watched a small pink tinge cover her cheeks accounting for her slight embarrassment at what she said.

"Aoshi-sama… I don't want you to go…" My heart constricted hearing her small vulnerable voice. I let go of her hands and fisted mine in frustration. Come on Shinomori! Say it! A small voice inside of me spoke. I looked up once more turning my gaze to Misao and spoke.

"I must…" I was inevitably waiting for some sort of tantrum to occur but all I received was a slight nod of the head and her shoulders slouched a little in sadness. This just proved to me even more how much Misao had grown and matured in the last two years.

"I-I understand Aoshi-sama…" Do you really understand Misao? Have you really grown up that much and so fast too? I shake my head slightly clearing those questions and smirked as Misao spoke again.

"I do understand Aoshi-sama, I do!" She thought I was doing that to her. I look over at her and realise at this moment she looked like she was a young girl once again. It was at this moment Misao-chan flickered through her making sure I knew the small girl I helped raise was always there, always around.

"I know you do Misao, but I do have to depart for a while." I spoke once again trying to sum up the courage to say what I felt in my heart. Those eyes pleaded with me to say more, to stop diverting away from my real question. I lowered my eyes and looked down at her small hands placed on her knees. She still wore her ninja outfit and it had grown tighter on her, showing off her womanly curves. The shorts where shorter then usual as she had grown taller and she had insanely long legs that seemed to beckon to my most inner feelings. They were pearly white like the rest of her, apart from the small puckered scars she had on her hands and a few around her covered body from training so much, she was utterly perfect in every way. Those small hands shock slightly as the room had fallen into silence. Branches clattered against the shutters of the window as the wind blew strongly. I blinked once more and was surprised to find that I had placed my hand over one of hers. I looked up noticing a small blush covered her cheeks but that secretive smile was etched on her lips as she was looking down at our hands. Misao was happy, I had made her happy even though she was saddened I was leaving.

"When will you be leaving again?" I slightly cringed at the 'again' part. This time I had the courage to tell her that I was going only she didn't realise that I wasn't going to take another 10 years.

"Soon Misao, very soon…" I spoke absently while looking at our entwined hands. I had wanted Misao to love another. I felt I was unworthy of her kindness, of her sweetness that she so unselfishly gave me. I wanted to cast her feelings aside knowing they would merely be a distraction to my meditation, but deep down I couldn't. The youngest ninja was in love, and not just with anyone it was with me, her former leader and guardian. Others bestowed it as child infatuation but I knew that no matter what she did in life and how far she'd travel it would always be I who was first in her heart. I had wanted her to grow up to be a happy and beautiful woman who would know love and yet in my heart I wanted to be the one to show her what love truly was. She had loved ones and the others love her like family but she doesn't know real love, or does she? I must never underestimate her; after all she has grown wise over these past two years. Perhaps one day I may ask her if she knows what love is. Then again should I really ask her an odd question like that? Hadn't her constant presence, her waiting for me, caring for me and making sure I was well looked after mean love. She would stay with me for hours on end. Wasn't that love? I am interrupted in my thoughts once more as Misao had taken her hand away from mine and hugged herself as though scared. Now she was the small girl I once knew. Shinomori, you still haven't gotten to the point yet! The actual reason of why you are telling her this! You keep stalling, which is only hurting her and you more! My inner voice had spoken angrily at me. I took a deep breath closing my eyes and spoke once more.

"Misao I want…will you…come with me?" About time Shinomori! My inner voice spoke once again. I cast it aside and soon looked up noticing Misao's eyes glistening with tears once more and wide with shock. Her hands where placed over her mouth and I was now becoming nervous as she wasn't speaking at all. Minutes passed by and I could feel the inner me begin to pace back and forth awaiting her answer. I watched as Misao dropped her hands away and soon spoke.

"A-Aoshi-sama…d-did you just ask me...t-to come with you?" I silently nodded my head and watched a beautiful smile form on her face. She glowed with happiness and she spoke joyously to me.

"Hai Aoshi-sama, I'll go with you." I let out a breath I never knew I was holding and soon got up walking over to my chest of drawers to grab my usual clothing. Misao seemed to know exactly what was happening and left me in privacy.

xxxxxxx

We had been walking down the dirt path back to the Aoiya for a number of minutes now. Misao was skipping, becoming her energetic self once again. She had a smile tugging at her lips as she softly hummed.

"Ne Aoshi-sama?"

"Hmm?" I absently spoke back turning my gaze towards her. She had stopped skipping now and began walking beside me once more and spoke looking up at me.

"Was it really that hard?" A small smile crossed my lips and Misao's widened at seeing this. I shock my head and spoke in a slight whisper while jumping over the stone fence surrounding the Aoiya.

"You have no idea Misao."

Xx TBC xX