NOTE: All characters belong to Paramount. I am not writing for any personal profit, but merely for my own enjoyment. And oh yeah, in the pitiful hopes that somebody will vote for me in Astrogirl's "Oh My God! They Killed Harry" contest ... hint, hint

"A Day in the Life of Harry Kim"

Tom and B'Elanna slowly surveyed the room across the hall from their own. It was a mess. A table was overturned; two lamps were smashed; plates, glasses, and various articles of clothing were scattered all over the room; and in one corner there was an untidy pile of body parts precariously balanced upon a collection of pillows. Tom's first crazy thought was that the planetary governor of Ina'ar, A'amikh, wouldn't be inviting any more of his shipmates to stay in his palace any time soon.

B'Elanna was the first one to speak, crying out in horror, "Oh my God! They killed Harry!"

Tom could only whisper in awe, "But oohh, but what a way to go!"

B'Elanna glared at her husband in disgust. "Tom Paris, you are a pig! You're best friend is probably dead, and you have your mind in the gutter."

Just then, they heard a low moan from the bottom of the massed body parts. Harry's voice came forth weakly, "I'm not quite dead. I'd be better though if I could actually breathe. Could you two please help me out of here?"

B'Elanna took one look at her husband's eager face and growled at him. "You stay right where you are, helmboy. I'll help Harry."

Tom gave B'Elanna a wounded look of innocence, as if to say that moving a pile of naked women was the last thing in the universe that he actually wanted to do. For such was the nature of Harry's difficulty: he was lying under a heap of four naked women.

With B'Elanna's help, Harry slowly emerged. He was just as naked as his companions, and looked to be utterly exhausted. Still, he managed to find enough energy to pull on his pants as Tom smirked at him. "Some night, huh buddy?"

Harry gave his friend a weak smile and bantered back "It was ... memorable."

B'Elanna gave both men a look of utter disgust. "You two are pigs! I hope you're feeling better Harry, because I intend to kill you both!"

Just then, a male voice was heard from the doorway. "That won't be necessary, Lt. Torres. I shall dispose of Ensign Kim myself. You are, of course, free to kill your own mate ... if you so choose."

The three shipmates had just enough time to recognize the planetary governor before he pulled a metal item–clearly a weapon of some sort–out of his robes. A'amikh fired his weapon three times at Harry, and each time a small projectile entered the young Ensign's chest. Tom ran over to the younger man and grabbed his wrist. Unable to find a pulse, the part-time medic cried out, "You killed Harry, you bastard!"

As Tom and B'Elanna stared at the governor in horror, he explained his actions. "Three of those sluts over there belong to my harem; the fourth is my sister. Never in the history of this planet has one man been so dishonored! Normally, this would be a cause for war; but I understand that an ensign is a relatively low-ranking officer on board your ship. Nevertheless, I would suggest that you contact your Captain Janeway and tell her that all trade agreements are off. Moreover, your ship is no longer welcome in our space. Tell your captain that she has three hours to recall your people from Ina'ar. After that, we will open fire on Voyager. Good-bye, lieutenants."

As soon as the governor was out of the room, Tom tapped on his comm badge. "Paris to Janeway. We have an emergency Captain. Harry needs to be beamed directly to Sick Bay, for a Code White resuscitation. All shore leaves must be cancelled, because if we aren't out of here within three hours the Ina'ari plan to attack Voyager."

Harry disappeared in the transporter beam as Janeway's voice came over the badge, calm and collected as ever. "Understood, lieutenant. Please report directly to my ready room, so you can explain to me just what the hell happened down there."

"Understood, Captain. Ready to energize."

Seconds later, Tom and B'Elanna were on their way up to Deck One to face their Captain. B'Elanna looked at her husband nervously. "Do you think she'll space Harry, or just set him to cleaning plasma conduits for the next decade?" When Tom looked at her oddly, she quickly added, "assuming, of course, that Harry got to the Doctor in time to be brought back."

"Oh, I'm sure the Doc can bring Harry back. Hell, he's brought Harry back before, from times when Harry has been dead for longer periods of time. And that's what I was just thinking about. I mean, the guy has already died how many times before? And look at today: he damn near suffocated under a pile of women, he was killed by a jealous husband wielding an old-fashioned gun, and he will have to face Janeway's wrath when she learns why all of our trade agreements have been negated. And all in one day!"

B'Elanna giggled as the turbolift stopped at Deck One. She whispered to Tom, "Just a day in the life of Harry Kim, the immortal ensign..."

When they walked into the Captain's Ready Room, Tom and B'Elanna were surprised to see that she wasn't alone. The Captain explained, "Since we are faced with a tactical situation here, as well as a diplomatic one, I wanted Chakotay and Tuvok to hear what it is that we're up against."

Tom immediately agreed with her, though privately he would have preferred to keep this situation as quiet as possible. He figured that Harry would be humiliated enough when he came back to life; the more people who knew about the cause of his demise, the worse it would be for him.

B'Elanna started out. "Governor A'amikh gave a feast for the officers on shoreleave, and offered to let us stay in his palace. Ayala and Nicoletti chose to stay elsewhere, so it was just Harry and us. Anyway, every woman at the feast seemed to be very interested in Harry and Tom ... and not just to trade stories."

Tom broke in at this point. "I tried telling them that I was with my wife, and wasn't interested in any other women, but that just seemed to confuse them. The Ina'ari are polygamous, and the women are used to, umm, sharing..."

Tuvok lifted an eyebrow at this, but Chakotay smiled appreciatively. All B'Elanna noticed, however, was Janeway's fierce scowl. Wanting to delay the Captain's wrath for as long as possible, B'Elanna quickly took over the story again.

"Those women were getting way too aggressive, so we went to bed early. After a couple of hours, we heard a loud crash across the hall. Since that's where Harry's room was located, we were worried about him. I sent Tom to check on him, but he said that it sounded to him like Harry had a woman in there, so he didn't go in." At this point, Janeway started to roll her eyes, and B'Elanna realized that she needed to hurry the story along. "Anyway, to make a long story short, it turned out that Harry was with four women: three of Governor A'amikh's wives, and one of his sisters. The governor said that he had been dishonored, and that Voyager was no longer welcome in Ina'ari space."

Tuvok's eyebrow had now completely disappeared underneath his hair, and Chakotay was grinning broadly. The Captain, on the other hand, looked like she was about to have an apoplectic fit. All she said, however, was "Presumably that was when the governor shot Harry."

Tom nodded sadly, "Yes ma'am."

The Captain began fidgeting with the buttons on her desk, as her thoughts raced. This wasn't the first time that Harry's libido had laid waste to her diplomatic efforts, but it was damn well going to be the last. She found the button she was looking for and flipped it. Then, with exaggerated calm, she began her cross-examination. "Let's see if I've got this straight. As a direct result of Ensign Kim's little orgy–which was not authorized by the doctor, by the way–Beta, Delta and Gamma shifts have all lost their first opportunity at shoreleave in four months."

This hadn't occurred to Tom before, but he quietly confirmed, "yes ma'am."

B'Elanna was still watching the faces of the senior staff with undisguised interest. Vulcan or not, Tuvok–who had been scheduled to go on shoreleave with Gamma shift–looked almost pissed. Chakotay looked down right murderous. He had been scheduled for shoreleave with Beta, and he had been looking forward to engaging in some anthropological research. Tom's comments about Ina'ari mating practices had awakened the social scientist in him...

Janeway wasn't finished, however. "Another consequence of this little bacchanal is that all the trade negotiations that I labored over are now null and void. Therefore, Voyager will not be able to acquire the dilithium and deutronium that we need. Since Mr. Neelix has informed me that Ina'ar is the only source of these minerals within this sector, Engineering will be forced to make significant cutbacks in our power outlay for the next month or so."

Deciding he was on a roll, Tom softly agreed, "yes ma'am."

B'Elanna was now too enraged to be interested in judging other people's reactions. Only a bear who has had her cubs stolen can comprehend the terrifying depths of rage felt by a chief engineer when her engines are abused or denied needed fuel. How could Harry, one of her best friends, have done this to Voyager? As soon as the doctor brought him back to life, she was going to kill him!

Still, Janeway continued her inexorable drive to explore the full ramifications of Harry's actions. "Lastly, because of Ensign Kim's debauchery, Mr. Neelix was unable to acquire any new fruits or vegetables from the Ina'ari markets. Since an insufficient supply of deutronium will limit our replicator use for the foreseeable future, we are again completely dependent upon leola root..."

At that moment, Harry lost his last ally in the room, No longer quiet or apologetic, Tom corroborated her statement with a firm "That is correct, Captain."

With an insincere smile, Janeway turned on the emergency holographic channel. She also turned off the button that she had turned on earlier. "Tell me, Doctor, can Mr. Kim be resuscitated?"

"I've already done so, Captain. All he needs at this point is peace and quiet ... which you have ensured that he can't possibly get. I don't know why you chose to put that last little briefing of yours on the public intercom," Janeway's senior officers looked at their Captain in amazement at this statement, "but that decision has generated quite a crowd in my Sickbay. In fact, I don't think that it would be too much of an exaggeration to call this crowd a mob; and they are all howling for Mr. Kim's head!"

"Do whatever you can to keep Harry safe, Doctor. I authorize you to anaethesize the entire lot if neccessary, but I want Ensign Kim in one piece when I get down there."

The doctor acknowledged her order and signed off. Janeway then turned to face the curious looks she was receiving from her senior staff. She smiled dangerously and informed them, "Nobody, and I mean nobody, kills Harry except me..."

The End

(But probably not the end of Harry. He can come back from anything...)

So, you like it? Go to http://astrogirl.netfirms.com/astro/contests/omgtkh/index.shtml to vote for me.