Mother's day was the one day out of the year that Mickey didn't smoke or drink. He thought that it was disrespectful of his mother to get shitfaced on her day, especially while visiting her grave. Usually not smoking for an entire day would leave Mickey as an anxious mess, but today, Mickey became so quiet and isolated, that the people at the cemetery must have thought that he was mute.
Looking at his mother's headstone, Mickey can't help but read the words that describe her, and wonder if everyone really thought of her that way, or if they were just being nice. "Here lies Amanda Milkovich, wife, mother, and friend. May her love protect her kids and may her soul rest in peace."
May her love protect her kids and may her soul rest in peace. That one line circulated through Mickey's mind as he looked at the headstone. Sometimes Mickey can still see his mother lying on the bathroom floor, needle in her arm. He has to tightly close his eyes to stop himself from crying at the images he sometimes saw. It had been 8 years since she committed suicide, and he wasn't sure if he remembered what it felt like to have a mother's love. He knew that when she was alive, she risked he life to protect him and Mandy from their abusive father, he just wasn't sure if that love and protectiveness carried over into the afterlife.
Surprisingly enough, the cemetery was the one place where Mickey felt the safest. He felt that when he was there, by his mother's grave, that she was looking down on him, still watching from above. Around the cemetery there were no piercing eyes judging him because of the clothes he wore, there were no whispers judging him because of his family name, and there were no meddling ears trying to learn all of his secrets. It was sadly ironic that Mickey never felt so safe or alive as he did around the dead…. or Ian.
Placing the bouquet of daffodils he had brought with him next to his mother's headstone, Mickey can't help but think of how they instantly brighten up the area. He smiles at the memory he had of his mother, and her favorite flower. When he was younger, he can remember walking through the park with Mandy and his mother, and asking her why she loved such plain flowers.
"Mickey, baby, these flowers aren't plain, they symbolize the sun and sunshine." She said picking two of them from the ground. She placed one in Mandy's hair, then one in hers. "They make me smile because they remind me of you and Mandy, because you two are my sunshine." When his mother told him that he couldn't stop himself from smiling, because of the joy he felt. His mother was always his sunshine, so when she died, he lost his way.
As he set down on the damp ground, Mickey can remember how much love he felt for both his mother and sister in that moment. Staring at the headstone, Mickey can remember the song he used to sing to Mandy, when his parents would fight, and she came into his room, crying because she was scared. He would tuck her into his bed, hold her hand, and sing her the sunshine song. He would stay up all night making sure she stayed asleep the entire night, and if she woke up, he would repeat the song again.
Snapping out of his thoughts, Mickey wondered if his mother was proud of him for what he did for Mandy. Mandy was his only sunshine for a while, and he did anything in his power to keep her smiling, because Mandy looked so much like their mother, that he thought by protecting Mandy, he was protecting his mother.
"Hey mom" Mickey said quietly. Not sure how he felt about talking to his mother, well at least her grave.
"It's me, your little Mickey Mouse." Mickey said, feeling the small smile on his lips at his childhood nickname.
"Mandy's doing good. She's still in school, I kind of force her. She's got a genius boyfriend now. He treats her good, knows I'll beat him up if he doesn't."
Mickey begins to feel anxious, really wishing he had a cigarette, but he promised himself.
"Surprisingly Joey and Iggy are not dead somewhere yet. Tony got locked up again last month. Trafficking charges again." Mickey takes a deep breath before continuing.
"Terry is still alive though." Mickey laughed out. "Surprisingly no one's shot him in the head yet. I wished they would though."
"I know you don't like me talking like that about him, I know he's still my dad, but mom, he took you away from me." Mickey can't help but feel the sting in his eyes. Knowing the tears was on their way to the surface.
"He took you away from me, and I'll never forgive him. We were just kid's mom, we needed you. Me and Mandy." Mickey feels the hot trail of tears fall down his cheek as he begins to softly sob. He hates crying, crying was for punks, but as he thought about his mother, Mickey couldn't help but get worked up.
Mickey didn't wipe the tears from his eyes at first. Just like the rain had cleansed the ground last night, Mickey's tears were cleansing him now.
"Mom I really miss you. I try not to think about you because I hate crying. Big boys don't cry Mickey. You used to say that to me, remember?"
"You were my sunshine mom, and Terry took you away from me. But you know what; I think I've found a new sunshine."
Mickey was talking about Ian, but he wasn't sure if he really wanted to come out to his mother. Mickey knew that his mother was nothing like her bigot husband, but Mickey never wanted to disappoint her.
"His name is Gallagher, well his last name anyway. His real name is Ian. He's kinda like you mom, loyal, smart, and really beautiful. I sounded so gay right there, sorry."
"He has red hair, can you believe that. So in a way, he kind of represents sunshine too, just like your flowers."
Turning around to look at Gallagher standing against a tree a few feet back, Mickey can't help but smile. Ian didn't want to intrude on Mickey's personal time, so he stood in the back. Turning back to his mother's grave, Mickey was preparing to say his goodbyes.
"Well mom, it was nice talking to you again. I'll make sure to keep an eye on Mandy and I'll try to keep my room clean. No promises though." Mickey began to stand, but not before leaning over to place a kiss on the top of her headstone.
"Thanks mom, for everything. Love you."
As Mickey began walking to where Ian was by the tree, he could've sworn he heard his mother singing to him. As she began the song, Mickey couldn't help but sing along.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy, when skies are grey
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away