That's it
That's it. It's done. She's moved on just like I wanted- she's got a boyfriend now. So... why does it hurt so much? Why can't I stop thinking about her, about us, when we were together? Each thought about her triggers another memory; it's a never-ending cycle.
I look out of the window of my dingy little flat, and I see a young, happy couple walking on the sidewalk below. I remember when we would walk together on that very sidewalk, heading somewhere- to get Chinese take-out, or to the park, or to one of those Muggle movies she liked so much. These things keep spinning through my head, again and again, and I feel sick.
-h-a-t-e-m-e-
I miss her. Oh Merlin do I miss her. I haven't seen her in almost six months; she's stopped her usual visits altogether. I wanted to give her peace, and apparently her peace consists of not seeing me. I almost want her to storm in and throw her love in my face again just so I could see her again. I know I'm the one who pushed her away, but I need her...
No! I can't think like that! She needs to hate me. She needs to hate me for everything I have and haven't done for her. I need her to finally see that there is someone out there who is good for her, that isn't me, so we both can move on.
-h-a-t-e-m-e-
I've stopped drinking. She is the one that helped me with that, and I now have money for groceries that would have gone to alcohol. She didn't like my drinking very much at all; it always was a sore spot with her when we were together, and I guess I can see why. I was different when I drank, like, not myself… well, I guess that really applies to all alcoholics but, I don't know… She helped me get my head on straight and I just want to be able to thank her for that. Face to face.
She helped me so much and didn't try to correct most of the things that were already ingrained into my brain, well, except for the part that didn't think we should have been together; she did try to change that part. She's wasted so much time on me and I can't let her waste anymore of it. I have to get as far away as possible. She needs to move on and leave me behind.
-h-a-t-e-m-e-
"Tonks, I need to speak with you," I say, coming up to her as she sits at the table in the little kitchen in her flat drinking strong black coffee.
"What is it?" she asks, looking up at me. I almost say nothing and leave again, but I don't; I'm doing this for her.
"Tonks… I've been thinking…"
"Uh oh," she says playfully.
"Tonks, we can't keep this up," I say, and I watch as the smile slides from her face.
"What are you talking about? We can't keep what up?"
"Come on, Tonks, you know what I'm talking about. We shouldn't be seeing each other."
-h-a-t-e-m-e-
This is it. This is goodbye. My heart is sad to see her go, but my mind is happy as I tell her that I am leaving on a mission in some other country and won't be back for a long while- if ever. I turn away, but not before I see a single tear roll down her cheek. I don't want her to cry; I want to see her smile again. But, I realize, that I will never get that chance again. And I hear her whisper as I walk away:
"How could you do this to me?"
Something inside of me breaks and I can't get away fast enough.
-h-a-t-e-m-e-
I'm doing this for your own good. I need you to hate me so that maybe you can be happy with someone else. So that you can finally see what's good for you.
I did this for you.
For you.
-h-a-t-e-m-e-
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
For you
For you
For you