A/N: For my Phantom and the Secretary phans out there, I will be coming out with Chapter One of the Murder in the Bayou fic very soon. But I've been working and getting ready to head back to school. But I have started it! In the meantime, I've been in a Disney's Haunted Mansion kick lately. I love the movie (though I realize many others don't and I agree it could have been better). I really love the back story they used, cause I'm just a sucker for the Antebellum South and I love New Orleans! Plus, I'm a fashion major so I really enjoyed Mona May's costumes in this movie! And as weird as it sounds, I want to live in Gracey Manor! And that, dear reader is where I came up with this fic. It's in script form, and I wrote it as if it were a sitcom on ABC. So, as to my disclaimer,
THE AUTHOR OF THIS FAN FICTION DOES NOT OWN THE HAUNTED MANSION RIDE/MOVIE, THE ACTORS MENTIONED, OR THE ABC NETWORK. EXCEPT FOR THE ACTORS, WHO OWN THEMSELVES, THE DISNEY CORP. OWNS EVERYTHING, EXCEPT ORIGINAL CHARACTERS NOT ASSOCIATED WITH THE ORIGINAL CANON.
Okay, now that we're done with that, one more reminder. I know I said on my profile page I would be doing only the Phantom series, but I just want to try this out and see if people like it. I hope you do, read and review (Look at me, I'm Madame Leota!)
peace, love and lip gloss,
Mlle. Fox
The Haunted Mansion:
The Series
Coming to ABC this fall...
(creepy organ music; scary Paul Frees type narrator)
Beware, foolish mortals!
(Lighting crashes; fad in and zoom on Gracey Manor)
For this, is Gracey Manor. A massive three story antebellum plantation deep in the heart of the Louisiana bayou just outside of New Orleans. A place once filled with laughter, joy, grand parties, dancing and above all; hope.
(clips of Mardi Gras masque and dancing)
Then, a dark spirit overtook the place, making it into a creature of fallen French shutters, cobwebs, decay and a gathering place for the very dead.
(clip of Edward Gracey crying over Elizabeth, carrying her upstairs amidst the party, flying into a rage at his desk, then hanging by his neck in the attic)
Now, another presence has filled the house. A presence that may either restore or destroy the haunted mansion once and for all.
(Scene shows beautiful young woman extending hand to Edward Gracey)
"Hi! I'm Leslie Daniels!"
(woman screams)
Scared yet?
Edward: "How is it possible for a beautiful charming young woman to have the unmitigated gall to waltz into our lives and completely take over the house?" (clip of Leslie smiling and batting eyes)
Ramsley: (dryly) "Especially considering we're all dead, sir!"
(scenes of graveyard, ghosts flying around ballroom and Leslie screaming and running; Leslie bumps into Edward and cowers)
Leslie: "You're all ghosts!
(clip of Ezra and Emma)
Ezra: "That's kinda the nature of being dead!
Starring Nathaniel Parker...
"Edward. Edward Gracey"
...Terrance Stamp...
Ramsley: "That actor that portrayed me in that motion picture made me come off as a maniacal, controlling villain!"
Leslie: "Yeah and we all know you're really a maniacal, controlling sweetheart!"(AL)
...Wallace Shawn...
"This is unspeakable! Unspeakable!"
...Dina Waters...
Emma: "Will you stop for directions?"
Ezra: "I'm not lost! I'm just trying to get my bearings!
Emma: "Yeah right! You said the same thing on our wedding night! (audience laughs)
...and Stacey St. Claire as the lively new resident of Gracey Manor...
Leslie: Then I'm moving in! You can't get a hold of Gracey Manor if I live here! So there! (Sticks tongue out)
...with Jennifer Tilly as Madame Leota
(clip of Leota in seance room)
"Goblins and ghoulies from last Halloween! Awaken the spirits with your tambourine!"
Leslie: "Who are you? Dr. Seuss,' wife?" (AL)
Coming to Mondays on ABC this fall...
the creeps...
(clip of breathing door and moving busts in gallery)
the shrieks...
(clips of attacking zombies)
the laughs!
Leslie: (To Ramsley) "Is he single?"
Ramsley: "He's in mourning over his lost love. His heart is broken."
Leslie: "So he's on the rebound? (turns) I might actually have a shot! (audience laughs)
And the happy haunts...
(clip of hitchhiking ghosts)
are dying to meet you!
Emma: (giggles) We're just one big happy family!
Ezra:...who just happens to be dead!
(lightning crashes, fads to black)
(FAD IN ON GRACEY MANSION EXTERIOR; MAIL TRUCK COMES UP THE DRIVEWAY AND STOPS. YOUNG BLACK POSTAL WORKER IN OVERSIZED BAGGY CLOTHES STEPS OUT. TAKES OUT BUNDLE OF LETTERS. CLOSE UP OF LETTER READS 'LESLIE DANIELS, GRACEY MANOR, 666 PAUL FREES DRIVE, NEW ORLEANS, LA, 40555'. SHE LOOKS UP WARILY AT THE HOUSE. ON TOP OF THE HOUSE, RAVEN CRIES OUT. POSTAL WORKER CAUTIOUSLY GOES UP STEPS AND KNOCKS ON DOOR WITH GIANT KNOCKER. THEN RINGS DOORBELL, (DUM, DUM, DA DUM! DA-DUM-DUM DA-DA DUM!) SHE KNITS FOREHEAD; AUDIENCE LAUGHS. FOOTSTEPS HEARD AND DOOR CREAKS OPEN. REVEALS SHORT, CURVY YOUNG BRUNETTE IN JEANS, SPIKE HEEL BOOTS AND TWEED JACKET; SPEAKS IN HEAVY SOUTHERN ACCENT)
LESLIE: "Hi! Can I help you?"
POSTAL WORKER: "Hi...I'm Carrie-Ann Phelps your mail delivery person? I didn't see a mailbox or anything so I thought I'd bring it to the door! (HANDS HER MAIL)
LESLIE: "Oh, thank you! Say since you wasted half a tank of gas coming up the driveway would ya like to come in a second and have some lemonade?" (AL)
CARRIE-ANN: (STEPS IN) "Sure! I'm ahead of schedule anyway!" (CAMERA PANS ROOM; SEES ORNATE AND RICHLY DECORATED MARBLE AND WOODEN FOYER WITH DOUBLE STAIRCASE) Wow! This place looks just like that Haunted Mansion movie!
LESLIE: That's cause it is!
CARRIE-ANN: Pardon?
LESLIE: A little known fact is the original Disney Imagineers based the ride off this house. And when the filmmakers heard this was a source of inspiration for them, they borrowed a few things from the house and it's history!
CARRIE-ANN: Really? Huh! You know, my co-workers tried to tell me this place is haunted? Guess I have to break it to them that they were wrong! (LAUGHS WITH LESLIE)
LESLIE: Let me just call for the butler! (SHOUTS) Ram-SLEY! (AL)
CARRIE-ANN: You even have a butler named Ramsley? How many facts did the film borrow? (RAMSLEY MANIFESTS IN A WISP OF GHOST SMOKE; CARRIE -ANN GASPS AND FAINTS)
LESLIE: (DRYLY) More than you'd think! (AL; FAD TO BLACK.)
OPENING CREDITS
THE HAUNTED MANSION
(TITLE SEQUENCE SHOWS ART GALLERY WITH LIGHTNING STRIKING. RAVEN'S SONG 'SUPERSTITION" PLAYS. ZOOM IN ON PORTRAIT OF NATHANIEL PARKER. PORTRAIT MOVES FROM STANDING STRAIGHT BEHIND ARMCHAIR TO SMILING AND LEANING ON BACK OF CHAIR WITH ELBOW.
ZOOM LEFT TO PORTRAIT OF TERRANCE STAMP STANDING STRAIGHT WITH ARMS BEHIND BACK AND STOIC EXPRESSION. PORTRAIT MOVES TO SHOW RAMSLEY FLICKING LINT OF SHOULDER AND TURNING UP THE CORNER OF HIS LIPS.
ZOOM LEFT TO BREATHING DOOR
ZOOM LEFT TO DOUBLE PORTRAIT OF WALLACE SHAWN AND DINA WATERS, STANDING LIKE PAINTING OF "AMERICAN GOTHIC" WITH GRACEY MANOR IN BACKGROUND, EMMA HOLDING A FEATHER DUSTER. PORTRAIT MOVES TO HAVE EMMA DUST VASE OUTSIDE PORTRAIT IN HALLWAY AND EZRA TO ROLL EYES.
ZOOM LEFT TO 'PORTRAIT' OF STACEY ST.CLAIRE SMILING. ADJUSTS HAIR; CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL PORTRAIT IS A MIRROR AND LESLIE TURNS TO AUDIENCE. CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND ROOM CHANGES TO BALLROOM. GHOSTS FLY IN WINDOWS AND OTHERS DRESS IN COSTUME DANCE ALL AROUND. CAST STANDS IN FRONT OF ORGAN AND SMILES AT CAMERA. JENNIFER TILLY AS MADAME LEOTA FLOATS UP IN FLOWING GREEN BALL AS A HEAD, ZOOMS IN ON CAMERA. FADS TO BLACK.
(FAD IN ON FOYER, LESLIE TURNS TO RAMSLEY)
LESLIE: Why for the love of Mother Dixie did you do that? You know you ain't suppose to be ghost-like in front of folk! (KNEELS BY CARRIE-ANN)
RAMSLEY: I thought it was another one of those lunatic Haunted Mansion fans trying to see the real Gracey Manor! They drive me to a terrible distraction!
LESLIE: (PATS CARRIE-ANN'S HAND) They don't mean a harm! They just love the ride and the movie so much they go a little overboard!
RAMSLEY: Need I remind you Miss, of the last time I encountered one of those so-called "harmless fans"? He snuck into the ballroom and tried to cast an incantation to open the gates of Hell in the fireplace! When that didn't work, he tried to throw me in thinking it would open up then! BAH! I could just wring that Terrance Stamp's neck! (AL) That actor that portrayed me in that motion picture made me come off as a maniacal, controlling villain!
LESLIE: (LOOKS UP AT HIM) Yeah and we all know you're really a maniacal, controlling sweetheart!"(AL)
RAMSLEY: (LOOKS BLANKLY AT HER) Thank you, Miss! That truly made me feel better! (AL)
LESLIE: Look Ramsley, tell you what. You wanna prove you ain't some evil ghost hell bent on scaring innocent mortals? Then help me pick up the postal worker ya terrified into a COMA! (AL)
RAMSLEY: Certainly Miss. (RAISES HAND AND CARRIE-ANN BEGINS TO FLOAT UP INTO THE AIR)
LESLIE: You know, you coulda just picked her up in your arms and worked up a sweat shelping her into the library! (AL)
RAMSLEY: I don't sweat Miss. And I certainly don't "shelp"! (AL; RAMSLEY TAKES CARRIE-ANN INTO LIBRARY, LESLIE SIGHS AND GETS UP TO FOLLOW)
(INTERIOR LIBRARY; EZRA SERVES EDWARD A BRANDY ON A SILVER PLATTER. SITTING ON THE RED COUCH, EDWARD TAKES DRINK)
EDWARD: Thank you Ezra.
EZRA: You're welcome Sir! (CURTAIN DRAWS BACK REVEALING CARRIE-ANN FOLLOWED BY RAMSLEY; EDWARD STANDS)
EDWARD: What the devil happen! (ENTER LESLIE)
LESLIE: (WAVES HIM OFF AND TAKES DRINK) Oh Ramsley just made the postal worker so welcome she decided to take a nap on the floor! (DOWNS DRINK LIKE A SHOT; AL)
EDWARD: Why do I ask you anything?
LESLIE: Cause I'm usually right? (AL)
EDWARD: (TO RAMSLEY AS CARRIE-ANN IS LOWERED ONTO THE COUCH) What happened?
RAMSLEY: I accidentally manifested in front of her. Had I but known she was an invited guest...
LESLIE: Now wait just a cotton pickin' minute you pale imitation of a British accent! (AL) How am I suppose to know where you spooks are in the house? Huh? I mean what do you want me to do when company comes over, give ya hand signals? (IMITATES BASEBALL COACH GIVING SIGNALS, AL)
RAMSLEY: It would be useful, Miss.
LESLIE: (PAUSES; TO EDWARD) You were never sarcastic to him as a kid were ya? (AL; CARRIE-ANN STARTS TO WAKE UP)
EZRA: She's waking up! (ALL SCRAMBLE OVER TO LEAN INTO HER FACE. CLOSE UP ON CARRIE-ANN AS SHE OPENS EYES AND SCREAMS; ALL JUMP IN SURPRISE. LES COVERS MOUTH WITH HAND; AL)
LESLIE: Now...If I let go, will you promise not to scream? (CARRIE-ANN NODS THEN YELLS SECOND LES TAKES HAND AWAY. LES COVERS MOUTH AGAIN AND GIVES HER A POINTED LOOK. LES LETS GO. CARRIE-ANN SCREAMS, AND LES COVERS HER MOUTH AGAIN. THIS IS REPEATED ABOUT FOUR OR FIVE TIMES WHILE AL. FINALLY, CARRIE-ANN IS QUIET)
CARRIE-ANN: Sorry! But you do know your butler is a ghost, right?
LESLIE: Is Oprah finally managing her weight problem? (AL)
CARRIE-ANN: (LOOKS AROUND AT OTHERS) Are all of you ghosts?
EDWARD: I'm afraid so. Edward Gracey at your service Miss...?
CARRIE-ANN: Phelps...Mr. Dead-Guy Sir! (AL) .
LESLIE: I suppose you're wondering about this whole situation huh?
CARRIE-ANN: Ya think? (AL)
LESLIE: (SITS ON COUCH NEXT TO CARRIE-ANN) Well I'll tell ya but only if ya promise not to send the story down the line to oh say, the National Enquirer?(AL)
CARRIE-ANN: (NODS) I promise.
LESLIE: Well, it started out two years ago. I was working for a Mr. Joe Tompkins. He was a real estate developer and he had a mind to nab a really big fish...(FLASHBACK DISSOLVE INTO INTERIOR OFFICE, DAY. AUDIENCE APPLAUSE AS BRUCE CAMPBELL TURNS AROUND WITH PICTURE IN HIS HAND. HE'S WEARING AN EXPENSIVE SUIT AND SMOKING A FINE CIGAR. WHEN HE TALKS, IMAGINE SLIME ON ROLLER SKATES. LES IS SITTING BEFORE HIS DESK DRESSED IN A SMART SKIRT SUIT.
TOMPKINS: (TAKES OUT CIGAR) Gracey Manor, Les. That's our ticket to fame and glory! If we own that property, we'll be richer before you can say, "Mini-Mall'! (AL AS HE PUTS CIGAR BACK IN MOUTH)
LESLIE: (TAKES PICTURE AND SIGHS DREAMILY) It's a shame we can't keep it the way it is! It's the house I woulda lived in if I lived in the Old South. I could just see myself sitting on the front porch sippin' tea with matrons, then flirting with about...half a dozen young rich beaus under a bonnet and parasol, then gettin' whisked away for a dance at a grand ball in the arms of a most charming gentleman!
TOMPKINS: (TALKS WITH CIGAR IN TEETH) Trust me, we'll make more money tearing the place down and selling the land to Wal-Mart!
LESLIE: (DRYLY) Oh yeah! Like the South doesn't have enough of those! (AL)
TOMPKINS: (RUBS CIGAR OUT) Trust me Babe! Stick with me, and you can buy a half dozen old plantations! If you check the property out for me, I'll make you partner...
LESLIE: (EXCITINGLY) Really?
TOMPKINS: Yeah! And don't worry about Gracey Manor. It's practically nothing but swampland now! We'll be doing the county a favor getting rid of the mosquitoes!
LESLIE: But why do we have to have the deed? Doesn't the state law say that any home abandoned of living residents becomes property of the state?
TOMPKINS: Of the state! But if we want that land, we have to have the deed!
LESLIE: Why?
TOMPKINS: (WAVES IDEA OFF) Apparently one of the owners set up the estate so the house can't be sold without physical procession of the deed! Now look, all I want you to do is look around the mansion and find the deed. You should be finished in...oh...thirty minutes tops. Then just call me on my cell and I'll pick you up and we can celebrate with a little romantic candlelit dinner! (LEANS IN TO KISS LES, BUT SHE SMILES AND STOPS LIPS WITH FINGER, AL)
LESLIE: With your wife, right? (Audience: "Woo!")
TOMPKINS: (SHRUGS) Not necessarily! (LES PICKS UP PURSE AND EXITS)
LESLIE: Sorry, Joe! I don't date married men unless I'm married to them! (AL AND APPLAUSE)
(LATER THAT DAY; EXTERIOR GRACEY MANOR; A FALLEN DECAYED SPOOKY OLD MANSION SURROUNDED BY SWAMP WATER. TAXI STOPS AT GATE, LES GETS OUT; SIGHS)
LESLIE: I was definitely born in the wrong time! (TURNS TO CAB) How much do I owe ya? (LOOKS UP, SEES CAB SPEEDING AWAY; LES SHRUGS)
Guess he took an diuretic! (AL; WALKS TO GATE, SEES IT LOCKED. TURNS AROUND TO MESS WITH BRIEFCASE, GATE CREAKS OPEN ON IT'S OWN. LES LOOKS UP AT IT CONFUSED. SHRUGS; STARTS WALKING UP DRIVE. CAMERA TAKES POV OF UPSTAIRS WINDOW. CURTAIN DRAWN BACK AND SEES LES STEP ON SOMETHING WITH A SQUISH. AL. AS LES COMICALLY MAKES A DISGUSTED FACE, EDWARD TALKS TO RAMSLEY OVER SHOULDER. BOTH BACKS ARE TURNED SO WE DON'T SEE THEIR FACES)
EDWARD: Who is that?
RAMSLEY: I shall meet her at the door and see, Sir.
EDWARD: Thank you Ramsley.
(EXTERIOR MANOR; LES GOES TO DOOR, KNOCKS ON DOOR. WAITS. RAISES HAND TO KNOCK AGAIN. DOOR CREAKS OPEN ON ITS OWN. LES ENTERS.
LESLIE: (MUTTERS; LOOKS AROUND) Must have a sensor on the door or somethin'! (AL; LOOKS AROUND. FOYER IS A BEAUTIFUL MARBLE AND WOODEN CREATION WITH LUSH PERSIAN RUGS AND A GRAND DOUBLE STAIRCASE WITH A BUILT IN CLOCK ABOVE THE ENTRYWAY TO THE ARMORY. EVERYTHING IS LIT WITH CANDLES AND A CHANDELIER AND A COLLECTION OF COBWEBS HANGING FROM THE CEILING. LES WRINKLES BROW.
LESLIE: Candles? Who's living here to light candles?
(TURNS AROUND AND JUMPS. RAMSLEY; A DISTINGUISHED PALE SILVER HAIRED ELDER GENTLEMAN IN A FORMAL NAVY UNIFORM AND WHITE COTTON GLOVES IS STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER AND HE WASN'T THERE A SECOND AGO.
RAMSLEY: May I help you Miss?
LESLIE: (CATCHES BREATH) I'm sorry! I was told no one lived here! I wouldn't have come in if I'd known...(ON TOP OF STAIRS, EDWARD LEANS OVER TRYING TO SEE NEWCOMER, BREAKS OFF WOODEN PIECE OF STAIR CAUSING A GREAT DEAL OF NOISE; AL AT HIS ATTEMPTS TO FIX IT.)
LESLIE: (LEANS OVER TRYING TO SEE FIGURE ON STAIRS) I'm guessing that ain't just the cat!
RAMSLEY: Well, I have considered putting him out at night Miss! (AL)
EDWARD: (REGAINS REGAL COMPOSURE; WALKS DOWN STAIRS) Ramsley! Who is it?
RAMSLEY: I was just about to find out Sir!
LESLIE: (SCRAMBLES TO FIND BUSINESS CARD AND IS RAMBLING) Sir, I am so sorry! I was told no one was living here! Course, that's my boss all over! He never tells me anything important and never gets the facts straight. My old dog could tell me more than he could! Anyway he sent me over to look over the land and see if the house was available. My boss not my dog! (AL; EDWARD STOPS IN FRONT OF LESLIE AND LOOKS ASIDE AT RAMSLEY AS SHE'S GOING ON AND ON. LES LOOKS UP AND GETS FIRST GOOD LOOK AT EDWARD. HE'S TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME; WITH BROWN HAIR AND SIDEBURNS AND TASTEFULLY DRESSED IN OLD FASHIONED BUT BEAUTIFUL AND JUST SLIGHTLY DISHEVELED CLOTHES. SHE SMILES AND EXTENDS HAND)
LESLIE: "Hi! I'm Leslie Daniels!"
EDWARD: (TAKES HAND AND KISSES THE BACK) Edward. Edward Gracey!
LESLIE: (SMILES AND SAYS PRACTICALLY IN A PURR) Mmm! Do I actually detect a real live gentleman before me?
EDWARD: (FLATTERED) That is entirely a matter of opinion, Miss Daniels!
LESLIE: (GIVES HIM A LITTLE WINK) Then I'm gonna have to stick round long enough to gain an opinion won't I?
RAMSLEY: (CLEARS THROAT)
EDWARD: (BACKS AWAY AND PUTS HANDS BEHIND BACK) What business did you say you had here, Miss Daniels?
LESLIE: (SNAPS FINGERS AS IF SHE REMEMBERS SOMETHING, DIGS UNDER SHIRT AND PULLS BUSINESS CARD OUT OF HER BRA AND HANDS IT TO EDWARD) I'm a real estate developer and my company wishes to know if the house is for sale?
EDWARD (NERVOUS CHUCKLE AS HE FUMBLES WITH CARD) Still warm! Uh-hum! (AL) But as to the matter of hand, I'm afraid the house isn't for sale!
LESLIE: (RELIVED) Well I'm glad! If you'll allow me to wait on your front porch for my boss to come pick me up...
EDWARD: (HESITATES) Uh-actually I believe it's going to rain. So why don't you join me for supper while you wait for your employer?
LESLIE: (MAKES FOR FRONT DOOR) Oh no! I wouldn't want to impose! Sides it's beautiful out, not a cloud in the sky! (OPENS DOOR; SEES HEAVY DOWNPOUR. LIGHTNING CRASHES, LES CLOSES DOOR) Maybe I could impose for just a spell!(AL)
(FAD TO RAMSLEY AND EDWARD IN LIBRARY, A FEW MINUTES LATER. RAMSLEY SERVES EDWARD A DRINK)
EDWARD: (TAKES DRINKS, DOWNS LIKE A SHOT) Thank you Ramsley!
RAMSLEY: I take it Sir, you really desired Miss Daniels company since you created an instant rainstorm!
EDWARD: I don't even know why!
RAMSLEY: You don't Sir?
EDWARD: (CROSSES RIGHT TO CONSERVATORY) I just felt that...that she needed to be here! Like the fate of the house rested on her shoulders! Is that as strange as it sounds?
RAMSLEY: Totally Sir! (AL)
EDWARD (SITS GLASS ON CABINET, CROSSED OVER TO DESK IN FRONT OF FIREPLACE, PULLS BACK HEAD OF SMALL MARBLE BUST. A BUILT-IN BOOKCASE SLIDES BACK REVEALING A SECRET PASSAGEWAY. ) I'm going to talk with the gypsy. See to our guest's needs won't you?
RAMSLEY: Certainly Sir. (EDWARD WALKS INTO PASSAGEWAY.)
(SCENE CHANGES TO LES TALKING ON OLD PRINCESS PHONE)
TOMPKINS: (OFF-SCREEN; OVER PHONE) I don't understand it! I was sure the last Gracey died years ago!
LESLIE: Sorry to disappoint ya Joe, but there's living, breathing human beings in this house! (OVER SHOULDER, TWO HEADS POP OUT OF WALL IN BLUE MIST; AL; THEY POKE HEADS BACK IN, CUT TO KITCHEN, THE HEADS BELONG TO EMMA, A BLOODSHOT EYED MAID AND EZRA, A SHORT BALD FOOTMAN WITH LONG FRIZZY SIDEBURNS)
EZRA: If only she knew! (AL)
EMMA: (SMACKS HIS SHOULDER) Shush! I'm trying to listen!
EZRA: Why on earth did the Master invite her to dinner? She'll just poke her nose where it doesn't belong!
EMMA: (TURNS BACK TO WALL) Well, she's a very pretty girl!
EZRA: Oh please! The Master is still mooning over Miss Elizabeth! He could never fall in love again! He can't even fall! He's a...(RAMSLEY ENTERS THROUGH DOORWAY)
RAMSLEY: A what, Mister Ezra?
EZRA: (JUMPS WITH EMMA AND STANDS UP STRAIGHT AT ATTENTION) Well, you know Sir! Besides being a handsome, wonderful charming man...
EMMA: Charming! (AL)
EZRA: (CONTINUES) ...He's in no condition to fall in love again!
RAMSLEY: That is the Master's business! Your business is to prepare dinner! Not snoop on the Master's guest! Now get back to work!
EMMA: (CURTSIES AS RAMSLEY EXITS) Yes sir!
EZRA: See was you did? You got us in trouble!
EMMA: (GOES TO KITCHEN ISLAND TO START STUFFING CHICKEN) ME? You were the one that suggested we listen in on her phone call! (AL)
EZRA: But who went along with it? (AL; EMMA SIGHS. CUT BACK TO LESLIE ON PHONE)
LESLIE: Well, I better get washed up for supper!
TOMPKINS: (CUT TO HIM IN OFFICE ON SPEAKERPHONE, SHAVING) Les, don't get too cozy. I don't like this idea of you being invited to dinner!
LESLIE: (OFF SCREEN; ON PHONE, STATIC) What?...What, I can't hear you!
TOMPKINS: Les? Leslie? (PICKS UP PHONE JUST AS IF GOES DEAD)
(PRE-RECORDING) We're sorry. But the number you called has been disconnected! Please, hang up, and try again! (HANGS UP PHONE; RUSHES OUT DOOR GRABBING JACKET)
LESLIE: (HANGS UP PHONE) That was creepy! (TURNS, JUMPS AS RAMSLEY IS BEHIND HER AGAIN)
RAMSLEY: Actually Miss. The phone always goes out during a rainstorm!
LESLIE: (WAVES FINGER AROUND AS IF MAKING A POINT) Ramsley, word of advice. Don't sneak up on folk from the South. You never know which one of us is packin'! (AL)
RAMSLEY: Packing, Miss? As in, carrying a firearm?
LESLIE: No, as in I'm loadin' up my suitcases and headin' to Bonos Aries! (AL AND APPLAUSE AS SHE ROLLS EYES)
RAMSLEY: Very good Miss. Supper shall be ready shortly. Would you like to wait in the ballroom? The dinner table is set up.
LESLIE: Oh! How lovely! Thank you Ramsley! (FOLLOWS HIM DOWN THE HALL IN A PERFECT STRAIGHT LINE) So Ramsley, I take it you've never failed a sobriety test? (AL)
(SCENE CUTS TO SMALL SEANCE ROOM. THE WALLS ARE COVERED IN PERSIAN TAPESTRIES AND ON THE TABLE SITS A GLOWING GREEN CRYSTAL BALL. INSIDE IS THE HEAD OF A REDHEADED GYPSY WITH WILD CURLY HAIR.)
EDWARD: (PACES BEFORE HER) So did I do the right thing? I mean...there must be a reason I invited her to stay...isn't there, Madame Leota?
LEOTA: The future is unclear. But I see that she has been brought here to fulfill her destiny. But the spirits won't say if her destiny is to restore or destroy. She will bring sorrow and she will bring joy!
EDWARD: (EXITS) Glad the spirits are so specific! (AL)
(SCENE CUTS TO BALLROOM. IT'S AN ELEGANT LARGE ROOM WITH PAINTED MARBLE FLOORS, TALL FRENCH WINDOWS AND AN ORGAN AT ONE END WITH A STAIRCASE AROUND THE ORGAN LEADING TO A BALCONY ON THE SECOND FLOOR. IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM IS A LARGE DINING ROOM TABLE WITH TEN CHAIRS. LES SLIDES FINGER ALONG BACK OF ONE, THEN WANDERS OVER TO WALK-IN BRASS FIREPLACE. WARMS HANDS BY FIRE. EDWARD ENTERS. STOPS AND STARES AT HER BACK. HE CERTAINLY HAS NEVER SEEN A WOMAN DRESSED IN SUCH A SHORT AND TIGHT SUIT BEFORE. NOR HAS HE SEEN ONE FILL IT OUT SO BEAUTIFULLY. CLEARS THROAT)
EDWARD: I trust I haven't kept you waiting?
LESLIE: Oh no! I walk just tryin' not to fall into your fireplace there! Did they make it that big so Santa can get up and down ok? (AL)
EDWARD: (STEPS FORWARD) No, actually my father salvaged this fireplace from a burnt down castle in Scotland. The locals said it was cursed so he got it and that organ for a fairly good price!
LESLIE: Oh really? That's like my Uncle Jake this one time he found a complete sectional sofa at the Peddler's Antique Mall and Bait Stop. (AL) Plastic on it and everything! It was like he had found the Holy Grail of Redneck Decor! (AL AND APPLAUSE)
EDWARD: (LAUGHS WITH HER) Really?
LESLIE: Yeah, and then My Aunt Ginny. She found at a yard sale...a real live knockoff of a dress Nicole Kidman wore to the Golden Globes! (AL) A perfect copy! She had to lose thirty pounds before she could fit into it, but she got it for a buck-forty-five! (AL) Just goes to show ya. Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, all them lose weight a pound a month places might work in the long run if you pay them enough, but you give a woman a size six knockoff couture gown for next to nothing or better, that weight will just melt right off! (SNAPS FINGERS; AL)
RAMSLEY: (ENTERS, OVER HIS SHOULDER, EMMA AND EZRA ROLL IN A SERVING CART) Dinner is served!
EDWARD: (EXTENDS ARM TO TABLE OFFERS ARM) Shall we?
LESLIE: (TAKES ARM) Oh! How lovely!
EDWARD: (ESCORTS LES TO CHAIR AT END OF TABLE, PULLS OUT CHAIR FOR HER) I hope you like roasted chicken!
LESLIE: (SITS) Oh I love it! I was weaned on KFC! (AL; EMMA PLOPS CHICKEN BREAST THAT IS SLIGHTLY BURNT AND A LITTLE GREEN ON THE PLATE. AUDIENCE: "Ewww!" LESLIE SMILES WITH HINT OF DISGUST ON HER PLATE UP AT EMMA) Yummy! (AL)
(AN HOUR LATER, EDWARD IS SITTING AT THE OTHER END, BAKED ALASKA IS ON THEIR PLATES)
EDWARD: This house is my inheritance! It wasn't my birthright at first, because my older brother and my older sister died while I was a child.
LESLIE: (SYMPATHETIC) My condolences.
EDWARD: Thank you! So I have been the Master of this house since my father died!
LESLIE: Oh, you must just love living here!
EDWARD: (SIPS WINE)
RAMSLEY: (STANDING BY HIS SIDE) He wishes! (AL)
LESLIE: I mean this house! It's so gorgeous! Well it's a little run down but Lands Sakes! The history! The grandeur! I'm so jealous! As a girl I would dream about living in a grand place like this!
EDWARD: Well Miss Daniels you do realize that being the lady of a house like this is no easy task!
LESLIE: Oh I know! Everyone thinks Southern Belles were stuck up, pampered little poodles but My Grandma told me how they were educated in art, literature, science, economics and the feminine arts. They ran the house and the family plantation. Men might have fought the wars and built the railroads and made the laws, but without women, the South wouldn't have legs to stand on!(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)
EDWARD: (AMAZED) I've always felt that way about women! Especially after watching my mother run the household so many years! I never thought I'd meet a woman who I felt could run the house like she could...(HESITATES AS IF REMEMBERS SOMETHING TROUBLING) However, there are...certain situations a woman may not be equipped to handle. Tell me Miss Daniels...do you believe...in...ghosts?
LESLIE: (LAUGHS; SIPS WINE) Ghosts? Please! And Pamela Anderson was born with that figure!(AL)
EDWARD: So you don't believe in ghosts?
LESLIE: There is a supernatural world to be sure, but why would dead folks hang around this earth any more than they had to? It just seems silly is all!
EDWARD: Perhaps. But perhaps it is sillier to take your chances and not believe in ghosts!
LESLIE: (CATCHES HIS HIDDEN WARNING) What are you suggesting?
RAMSLEY: (STANDING AT WINDOW LOOKING OUT, INTERRUPTS) The storm has swollen the river!
LESLIE: Say again?
RAMSLEY: (CROSSES NEXT TO EDWARD'S SIDE) The storm has flooded the road! I'm afraid there shall be no leaving the manor tonight!
LESLIE: (GETS UP, RUNS TO LOOK OUT WINDOW) Are you sure! Oh Lord! Surely it can't be that bad can it? Is that a possum floating by? (AL)
EDWARD: (GETS UP AND JOINS HER BY THE WINDOW; SAYS DARKLY) Oh course you are more than welcome to spend the night...here! (LIGHTNING CRASHES)
LESLIE: (GULPS) Su casa es me casa! (AL)
(A FEW MINUTES LATER; EDWARD ESCORTING LES TO HER ROOM WITH RAMSLEY FOLLOWING WITH A CANDELABRA, STOPS AND SMILES)
EDWARD: Pleasant dreams Miss Daniels! Do you require a change of clothing? Or at least a nightgown?
LESLIE: (SMILES SEDUCTIVELY) No, I'll just...sleep in my slip! No need to bother ya for anything! (WINKS; AUDIENCE: "WOO!")
EDWARD: (GULPS; NERVOUS CHUCKLE CLEARS THROAT AND LEAVES) Goodnight Miss Daniels!
LESLIE: (USED POINTER FINGER TO BECKON RAMSLEY CLOSER) Ramsley! Level with me! Is he single?
Ramsley: He's in mourning over his lost love. His heart is broken.
Leslie: So he's on the rebound? (turns) I might actually have a shot! (AL)
(SCENE CHANGES TO EXTERIOR GATE. TOMPKINS DRIVES UP IN SUV COVERED WITH MUD. GETS OUT, STARTS GETTING SOAKED WITH HEAVY RAIN. CAMERA TAKES HIS POV AS HEADLIGHTS SHINE ON HOUSE. GETS BACK IN, BUT CAR DIES ON HIM. BEATS DASHBOARD AND GETS OUT. SEEING GATE IS LOCKED, HE STARTS CLIMBING OVER WALL. WHEN HE JUMPS DOWN TO THE OTHER SIDE, GATE CREAKS OPEN. AL)
TOMPKINS: (SHRUGS) Figures! (AL; STARTS TO HEAD TO HOUSE)
(SCENE CUTS TO INTERIOR BEDROOM; LES TAKES OFF JACKET, SMELLS BOTTLE OF PERFUME, MAKES FUNNY FACE: AL. OPENS MEDIUM SIZED WOODEN BOX ON TABLE. IT'S A MUSIC BOX WITH A DELIGHTFUL AND HAUNTING MELODY WITH A FIGURE OF A WHITE MAN WITH A BLACK WOMAN IN VICTORIAN CLOTHING WALTZING. )
LESLIE: (SMILES) How pretty! (LOW SCRAPING SOUND IS HEARD BEHIND HER. TURNS AND SEES FIREPLACE HAS SHIFTED AWAY TO REVEAL A SECRET PASSAGEWAY. LES LOOKS INSIDE AND STEPS IN SAYING) This place is better that Walt Disney World! (AL)
(CAMERA FOLLOWS LES DOWN DARK TUNNEL. TUNNEL STOPS AT A WALL WITH TWO HOLES. LES LOOKS IN HOLES. SEES LONG HALLWAY. PUSHES ON WALL AND FINDS IT OPENS. LES STEPS THROUGH AND FINDS WALL IS A PAINTING. BEGINS TO WALK THROUGH HALLWAY. AS SHE PASSES THE PORTRAITS, THEY TURN INTO IMAGES OF DEATH. AS SHE PASSES THE MARBLE BUSTS, THEY TURN THEIR HEADS TO WATCH HER AS SHE ROUNDS A CORNER. ALL OF THIS HAPPENS RIGHT AFTER SHE PASSES BY, SO SHE DOESN'T KNOW YET. SHE SEES A DOOR. IT IS ACTUALLY PULSING AND THE WOOD IS CONTRACTING LIKE IT'S BREATHING)
LESLIE: (EYES WIDE) Must have a lot of warped woodwork! (AL; OPENS DOOR AND FINDS ANOTHER HALLWAY, THIS TIME, HELD UP BY WROUGHT IRON BEAMS. FOLLOWS CHANTING INTO SEANCE ROOM, SEES NO ONE)
Hello? Is anyone here?
LEOTA: (TURNS IN BALL TO FACE HER, LES JUMPS IN FEAR) I am Madame Leota! Seer of all! Voice to the spirits!
LES: Oh sweet Jes...(ARMCHAIR SLIDES IN ROOM AND PINS LES TO THE TABLE) Hey! Hey! Let me go!
LEOTA: Silence! You must make a choice this night!
LESLIE: (STRUGGLES) Yeah what underwear do I get after I have to change my current pair! (AL)
LEOTA: Goblins and ghoulies from last Halloween! Awaken the spirits with your tambourine!
Leslie: Who are you? Dr. Seuss,' wife? (AL)
LEOTA: (STARTS TO FLOAT UP IN AIR WITH LES AND TABLE) The Spirits are clear! You must make a choice between a man who holds the key to where your true path is found or a man who will keep you oppressed and bound! (EVERYTHING STARTS TO SPIN AROUND THE ROOM VERY FAST)
LESLIE: I just ate! (AL)
LEOTA: Go! Go! Make your choice! Choose your fate! (CREEPY VOICES START TO WHISPER)
Choose your fate! Choose your fate! (SUDDENLY, EVERYTHING FALLS TO THE GROUND AGAIN, LES IS STUNNED FOR A MOMENT BEFORE STUMBLING OUT OF ROOM)
(SCENE CUTS TO LIBRARY, EDWARD PACING AND TALKING WITH STAFF)
EDWARD: This was a mistake! I'm stopping the storm and sending her home! Before she discovers the truth!
LESLIE: (OFF-SCREEN; SCREAMS) AAAGGGGHHHHH!
EDWARD: (LOOKS AT STAFF) Oh no!
EZRA: (GROANS AS REST RUSHES OUT LED BY EDWARD) Too late! (RUSHES OUT, SCENE CHANGES TO INTERIOR BEDROOM, EDWARD SEES OPEN PASSAGEWAY AND MUSIC BOX. HITS MANTEL)
EDWARD: BLAST! SHE'S SOMEWHERE IN THE HOUSE! SEARCH THE HOUSE! WE MUST FIND HER!
(SCREEN CUTS TO ART GALLERY, THIS TIME, LES SEES MOVING BUSTS, CHANGING PICTURES, AND BEGINS TO BE CHASED BY FLOATING MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS. SCREAMS AND RUNS STRAIGHT INTO EDWARD WHO HAS APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE. SUDDENLY, IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO LES.
LESLIE: (BACKS AWAY) You're all ghosts!
EDWARD: Please, Miss Daniels I implore you! Listen to me!
LESLIE: (SCREAMS) AAGGGHHHH! (RUNS TO DOOR AND RUSHES IN.)
EDWARD: (FOLLOWS) That's not exactly what I had in mind! (AL)
(SHE IS ON TOP OF THE BALCONY ABOVE THE BALLROOM. CLOCK STRIKES MIDNIGHT. WINDOWS FLIES OPEN AND GHOSTS FLYING IN. SHE IS SCARED INTO AWE AND SUDDENLY, EDWARD IS BESIDE HER; SHE GASPS)
EDWARD: Please! Listen! I was alive in the year 1880! (LES RUNS ALONG BALCONY. TURNS HEAD TO SEE HIM OVER SHOULDER. EDWARD APPEARS BEFORE HER; HE CONTINUES)
I was in love with a beautiful girl from a poor family! We couldn't be together so she killed herself!
LESLIE: (RUNS BACK) Get away from me!
EDWARD: (MANIFEST IN BLUE MIST BY THE TOP OF THE STAIRS) Without her, I killed myself! But I was suppose to move on and love again! So now I and all the guests who were at the mansion the night I killed myself are trapped here! Cursed to haunt these halls forever! Please you must understand! We aren't going to harm you! Why won't you listen?
LESLIE: Cause you're dead! Ya kinda lost the right to have folk listen to ya when ya choose to be dead!(AL)
(THE GHOSTS OF BALLROOM DANCERS APPEAR AND BEGIN TO WALTZ ON THE DANCE FLOOR. LES SCRAMBLES TO GET PAST THEM BY GOING DOWN ORGAN STEPS, BUT ORGAN STARTS PLAYING ITSELF AND LITTLE GHOST HEADS START POPPING UP OUT OF PIPES. LES SCREAMS, SCRAMBLES DOWN STEPS AND RUNS THROUGH GHOSTS. EDWARD GETS LOST IN CROWD AS SHE GOES OUTSIDE THE FRENCH DOORS)
EDWARD: Miss Daniels! Miss Daniels, please come back here!
LESLIE: (OFF-SCREEN) Bite me! (AL. LES STOPS SHORT UPON SEEING MASSIVE GRAVEYARD BEHIND HOUSE. BUT BEING A CHOICE BETWEEN THE CREEPY HOUSE FULL OF GHOSTS AND THE CREEPY CEMETERY FULL OF THE UNKNOWN, LES CHOOSES THE CEMETERY)
(MEANWHILE, TOMPKINS IS WALKING UP TO HOUSE. IS ABOUT TO KNOCK ON DOOR WHEN HE HEARS A HORSE WHINNY. HE HIDES IN THE SHADOWS AND BECOMES SLACK JAWED WHEN EZRA PULLS UP TO THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE GLOWING BLUE AND IS PARTLY SEE THOUGH. THE CARRIAGE IS A FUNERAL HEARST, AND THE HORSE IS A SKELETON. EDWARD AND EMMA COME THROUGH FRONT DOOR AND BECOME GLOWING BLUE MISTS WITH RAMSLEY FOLLOWING)
EDWARD: (ADJUSTS GLOVES; TO RAMSLEY) Stay here! Wait for the girl! Maybe she'll come back on her own! (CLIMBS INTO DRIVER'S SEAT BESIDE EZRA)
RAMSLEY: Yes sir!
EMMA: Be careful Sir! That graveyard is filled with some unsavory characters! They think just because they are dead they can do whatever they want! (AL)
EZRA: Don't worry dear! We'll find her!
EDWARD: Drive on Ezra! (EZRA SNAPS REINS AND THEY TAKE OFF INTO GRAVEYARD)
RAMSLEY: (ESCORTS EMMA INSIDE) Come Madam! Let's go speak with the gypsy! (TOMPKINS RUSHES OUT AFTER HEARST. JUMPS ON AND CLIMBS INSIDE.
EDWARD: Did you feel something shake the carriage?
EZRA: It's a very bumpy road Sir! I need to have the shocks checked! (AL)
TO BE CONTINUED...
FAD OUT
COMMERCIAL
TAG END
(BACK TO PRESENT DAY, CREDITS FADING IN AND OUT AT BOTTOM OF SCREEN)
CARRIE-ANN: So what happened? Did you see any ghosts in the graveyard? Did they ever find you or did you come back? What happened to Mr. Tompkins?
LESLIE: Sure ya ain't gonna get freaked out again?
CARRIE-ANN: (SMILES AT GHOSTS) Oh no! This is awesome! I swear! I won't get scared again! (EMMA MANIFESTS OUT OF NOWHERE WITH A TRAY)
EMMA: (GIGGLES) Anyone want a cookie?
CARRIE-ANN: (SCREAMS AND FAINTS BACK ON COUCH)
EMMA: Was it something I said? (AL)
LESLIE: (SIGHS, STANDS AND TURNS TO GHOSTS) Ok! I'm only gonna do this once! This...(TUGS EAR) means someone's in the house! (AL) This...(TUGS WAR AND BRUSHES SHOULDER)...means that someone is invited! This...(TUGS EAR, GRABS FOREARM)...means someone's in the house and I didn't invite them! But...
(FAD OUT)
A/N: Here's the song 'Superstition' by Raven. I like it and thought it was appropriate for the title sequence.
Verse 1
Very
Superstitious
Writings on the wall
Very Superstitious
Ladder's
'bout to fall
13 month old baby
Broke the lookin' glass
7
years of bad luck
Good things in your past
Chorus
When
ya believe in things
That ya don't understand
Then you
suffer!
Superstition ain't the way
Verse 2
very
superstitious
wash your face and hands
rid me of the
problems
do all that ya can
Keep me in a daydream
Keep
me goin strong
you dont wanna save me
sad is my song
chorus 2x