The night is so still that not a sound can be heard by a living soul down Below. Not a living soul that is except for me. My ears and senses can hear and sense things that most are not able to detect. Somewhere someone is crying from loneliness. I can almost smell the saltiness of their tears, feel the pain and sorrow that they are experience. How I wish I could reach out to them and say they are not alone that someone else understands. But do I truly understand? It feels as if they are completely alone without anyone else around. I am surrounded by people who love me and accept me as I am. Or rather they accept me as they think I am. Only father is able to truly glimpse within me and see the beast that dwells there and he as a healthy fear of the potential of danger. He knows the terrible things that I have done and what I am capable of and yet he still loves me. Why did he take pity on a sick infant and raise this child as his own? He is a kind and wise man and yet sometimes I think he is a fool because he did not send me away once he realized the dangerous things I am capable of. I will never voice these thoughts to him because I know it will hurt him to his very soul. I cannot deny that he loves me and will continue to love me for the remainder of his days. Perhaps he places such love within me because he does not truly have a child truly of his own to love. Devin is his own child and yet his own son places a distances between them and stays away. I am always here, desperate for love and acceptance and Father is a loving man who opens his heart to all. I crave this love and openness and here is where I will stay as long as I am able to. There are times I have thought about leaving and going far away to save those I love of the experience of seeing the evil and murderous side of the beast within. They will not let me leave and have tied a tether around my heart that always pulls me back. Simple Mouse who is of few words but has the biggest heart and wisest way of seeing the world that most people miss. He looks at the world and is able to see straight to the heart of problems because he does not overthink or over analyze like most men do. He calls me brother and is always willing to help and be by my side.
To love the man is to also love the beast but how can she love something that is so dangerous? My hands are not that of an ordinary man and they never will be. I cannot wish the thick, wiry hairs away nor can I make the claws disappear. They are sharp and dangerous and can tear the flesh from the bones of a man. How can I want to tenderly touch her when they can cause so much damage in an instant? What would I do if I were to harm my darling that I hold so dear? She is so tiny and petite and it feels as though I lose myself within her embrace. What if I forget who she is and what she means to me if I were to give into the passions clawing and pulling at my heart? What of the beast that is within me? Will he come to the surface and lose control as I have her wrapped within my arms? What is to stop my claws from digging into her flesh and tearing it away as I try to get closer and deeper within her? These thoughts frighten me and feel me with dread and deep depression. Am I never to know love or desire? Is my fate, my punishment to spend a lifetime without love or physical intimacy? How can I expect to be loved and cherished when my past is full of violence and death caused by my own two hands? Mary has been the only mother that I have known. How many times have a buried my face into her apron and cried as a child? She bandaged my wounds, kissed away my tears, and held me and sang to me during my long sickness as a child. She held me as I trashed about and cry out from pain and fever. She never scolded me for the times I accidentally scratched her as she tried to hold me and comfort me. She'd only wipe away my tears and say, "It's nothing but a little scratch. See? Hardly anything to worry about. I've done worse to myself by accidentally stabbing myself with a sewing needle." I struggled with rage and anger as a child and tried to keep it within and stay away from others to avoid harming them. Devin has four laterally scars across his face from my outlasting in anger. This went to my very heart and pierced my soul and it was the first time I was truly aware of the damage and danger I was able to cause. The events of my past fill me with shame and regret. Father says I should not hold these against myself and let them go because all youth do things and it is a time of foolishness and a time to really learn ourselves and accept who we are. But how can I let go of this when I do not really know who I am and what I am capable. I have not yet been pushed to the point of no return.
I want to howl with rage, scream with all the anger and loneliness that I feel and yet I think that I deserve this sentence of a loveless life. I do not deserve the tenderness of her love or the touch of her hands. What have I done that makes me deserving of such a sweet love? She looks at me with her innocent blue eyes and she says that she sees the man, the true man that I am and that I deserve love and happiness. But what is it that keeps her from seeing the true me? Is it her goodness and kindness that makes her incapable of seeing the truth? I am now at a crossroad and I am afraid to take the path that I want because I do not know the outcome. We've been growing closer and closer as the months pass. We searched a few chaste kisses and embraces but tonight something different has happened and one of those kisses went deeper and further than ever before. We lay on my bed and exchanged sweet kisses that deepened and became more passionate and wild than ever before. Catherine wrapped her arms around me and drew me close and whispers, "Yes, it is time. I want more." I immediately with drew and pulled away. My feet hit the floor and I placed distance between myself and her. And yet my body was being pulled back to the bed. She was a magnet that pulled with a force I could not deny. Inch by inch I was drawn closer and she whispered, "Come back to bed, Vincent. I want to love you and I want that love in return." She held out her arms and I reached my arms out and could not stop myself from saying, "Yes."
To be continued….