Apologizing –Episode: 73

"I don't know where you are or if you even look at these anymore, but if you're watching…. Well Darcy, I'm sorry. Some things have happened and I've come to a shocking realization."

The ironically cheery theme music cuts in.

Lizzie stared at the camera for a few moments. She asked herself if she should do this. She told herself she had to. It just seemed right. She embarrassed him in front of millions of strangers, it was time for some humility herself. This is her video diary, it's all or nothing.

"Well, I have a lot to say and I think I should start with this- You gave me a letter. That letter was something unexpected. I'll be honest in saying I thought it would be full of pride, doucheyness, and totally snobbish remarks. I thought you'd be bitter or upset in my rejection. But as usual, I was wrong. You opened my eyes, gave me an insight to something deeply personal.

"I really hope you're okay with me sharing this but I have something to prove. You are an honest person, someone a lot better than me. I always made you out to be a complete jerk in my videos and these few sentences negate that. It was the last paragraph of you letter and I quote, ' Part of me will always love you. It's okay, because I will try to let go of my hopes. I hope you'll have a good life, just like I hope I to have one at all without you in it.' "

Lizzie paused and thought to herself before moving on. That part always resulted in strongly conflicting emotions of guilt and hope.

"And then I got a phone call. Someone told be me that I needed to back off, that I would dirty your name with my acquaintance. She, I mean they, seemed to think you still loved me or at least wanted to be with me. To them, too many things were wrong with my personality. Too many things to be good enough for you."

Crap, Lizzie could feel the tears start to make her choke. Her hand covered her mouth and her head turned to look around the room. No, she had to keep filming. She was making things right. After taking a deep breath, she went on.

"I think that there are a lot of things wrong with me. One of those things would have to be my narrow-mindedness. It led me to hate you, a guy who loved me for everything he saw. Every time I was with you, I was disgustingly rude. You didn't even seem fazed by my attitude. It's almost like you looked past that mind-set and saw my actual personality . . . and you still liked me! I guess the best thing about being me is I'm limited edition. There are no other copies…. But I digress."

Her voice choked up again. She took a moment to compose herself. You can do this, you can do this , she chanted to herself mentally. When she finally spoke again, it was strained and full of emotion.

"And it sucks," she stressed ", when you know that you need to let something go and leave it in the past, but you can't, because you're still waiting for the impossible to happen."

"I botched something that could have easily been perfection. . . That's the thing. I'll never know now," she paused, wondering if she could do it, if she could tell him. For the third time, she gazed into the camera. It was like she was in her own little world, if just for a little while.

"I love you. I can't even begin to describe how I figured this out but, I guess it doesn't really matter anymore. I'm just a little too late now and you're a little too gone."

She wiped at her eyes. You're almost done, you can do this, she convinced herself. She took a steadying breath and plowed forward.

"I don't smile as much now that we've stopped talking. . . or arguing I guess," she added quietly ", I'm not entirely sure what that means."

/\\\\/\\\\

And the screen was black. There was no music, no advertising the next video, no credits, just black.

In the description section of the video there was only one sentence. 'The sad part is we weren't even together and he still broke my heart.'

/\\\\/\\\\

Darcy stared at his computer screen in shock. He had been watching each of her videos in a self torturing fashion, just to hear her talk. In her videos it always felt like she was talking to him but in this one, she really was. She was apologizing to him. She was declaring love for him. She was hurting because of him.

This changed everything.

A/N: . I love the Lizzie Bennet Diaries so this was pretty much inevitable. It's not all that eloquent because it was done in a splurge. I've also never done such a one sided dialogue. : ) Thanks for reading.

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