Honor bound
A Dragon Age Fan Fiction by 4AMurderof Crows
Chapter 1: Duty
Disclaimer: I don't own dragon age, I am merely a fan.
Arlessa of Amaranthine, Grey Warden, Teryn's daughter. Elissa looks down at the letter from her brother and wonders, how did she get here and how can she answer this request? As her brother's Vassal, she cannot refuse, as a Grey Warden she is already in violation of a sacred tenet by holding the seat of Amaranthine, as Teryn Cousland's daughter...she would have to say yes. A Cousland does what they must. Isn't that what her Father had said to her when she refused to stay behind while he sent Fergus on to Ostagar with their forces? And she had, against her better judgement. Throughout the blight, she fought for her countrymen, moved an entire nation against Loghain and gathered allies. To fight the plague that threatened them all. Though she wanted to run away and hide to lick her wounds and grieve her heart out, she had fought and bled. Because she was a Cousland, because it was her duty. Now, she sat on a throne recently vacated by the man whom had murdered her family, and she was in command of the son of the same man. Though now she and Nathaniel had become very close, they nearly came to blows during his first few months as a Warden. She had a duty to the Wardens, and now that duty came into conflict with her duty as a Cousland. Her Brother, Fergus Cousland, had found a betrothal contract her Father had signed. A contract betrothing her to Teagan Guerrin once Bann of Rainesfere, now Arl of Redcliff.
She sighed, regardless of how she felt about the matter, she answered to the Wardens first. She would respond to Fergus and write a letter to Weisshaupt. The first Warden was adamant that she accept the post in Amaranthine in the first place...grasping little toad. Damn Alistair! Hero of Fereldan nonsense aside, his misery liked company, or so he claimed. "No fun being King if I can't have my very bestest best friend to keep me company at the landsmeet!" He exclaimed cheerfully.
"Bastard," she grumbled.
Anders glanced up at her from where he was involved in a game of castles with Nathaniel in the Keeps Library.
"Now, now...such language is so unbecoming my Lady Cousland," Anders teased making Nathaniel snort.
"Andraste's tits, Anders! You sound like my Mother," she huffed.
Nathaniel chuckled, "Lissa, your Mother would be dragging you to your room by your ear for that language. Anders is nothing like Eleanor Cousland. Even on his worst day."
Anders gave her a mischevious expression and she pointed a warning finger at him, "Don't you dare, Mage. I will hurt you!"
Anders smiled charmingly, "You are such a little tease." This earned another chuckle from Nathaniel.
Elissa rolled her eyes, "Maker, I hate you both."
Nathaniel set down his piece having won the game, promtping Anders to scowl and study the board in disbelief. "Lissa, what has you brooding so? That's normally my job."
Elissa sighed, "I-" she paused and looked up into his face as he came close to her, his worried expression reminded her of the quiet sensitive youth he had been. She felt a pang for the loss she still felt so keenly. On both their behalfs. "Do you remember that reaping day festival at Castle Cousland when we let that piglet into the banquet hall?"
That earned a laugh from her friend, "Maker! How can I forget? My Father was convinced I'd been behind it. No one would believe sweet Elissa Cousland, then twelve years old, could be capable of such mischief!"
Anders had turned to listen, "Quite the troublemaker were you?"
"Fergus and I were sixteen at the timeolder than her by a few years. But, whenever Elissa was around we ended up doing what she wanted to do. Fergus had a soft spot for his baby sister and could be usually found covering for her when she got into trouble. On this particular occasion, our fair Commander decided that we should release a piglet into the middle of her Mother's famous reaping day festival celebration."
Anders regarded his Commander with interest, "Cheeky girl."
Nathaniel interrupted just as Elissa was about to respond, "By the time the piglet had had the run of the banquet hall there wasn't a table or person who escaped unscathed. Everything was in shambles. Nobles running around and screaming, but the best part-," at this Elissa glared at him, but not to be deterred Nathaniel continued, "was a Twelve Year old Elissa Cousland, in her best festival dress coverd in mud, standing atop the main banquet table and brandishing a wooden practice sword. Where she then declared herself the Hero of River Dane, victor of the battle of the swine."
Anders burst out laughing, "She did not!"
Nathaniel nodded, "That she did. At that point there was nothing that Fergus or I could do to protect her. She'd ousted herself as the mastermind of the whole debacle. She was exiled to her rooms for a week, if I remember."
Elissa grimaced, "Be that as it may. Do you remember what Arl Eamon said to my Father?"
Nathaniel tilted his head to the side trying to remember, "He said something like, 'Don't worry Bryce, Redcliff could use a spirited Lass like her. Teagan is a spirited lad himself.' Fergus and I always thought that by spirited he meant barmy."
She stuck her tongue out at him, which, only made him laugh at her. "Evidently," Elissa continued, "Eamon and Father were arranging my betrothal during that banquet."
"Eamon is a little old to be your betrothed isn't he? Not to mention, didn't he marry an Orlesian?" Anders asked with a confused expression.
"No no no," Elissa groaned. "Arl Teagan, his younger brother!"
Nathaniel's eyebrows shot up in surprise, "Arl Teagan? How are you just now hearing about this?"
"Fergus found the betrothal contract in Father's desk, it was to be sealed until my twenty fifth nameday, which, was yesterday."
"Andraste's knicker-weasels!" Anders exclaimed.
"Does Teagan know?" Nathaniel asked worry lines now deepening in his face.
"Fergus put off telling me until Teagan brought it up to him at the Landsmeet a few weeks ago, apparently, I am the only one that didn't know," Elissa scrubbed her hands over her face angrily.
"What are you going to do?" The dark haired rogue asked with concern.
"Hope that the First Warden will not sanction the union?" she offered lamely.
"This doesn't make sense," Nathaniel shook his head in disbelief, "a marriage would be of no benefit, Grey Wardens cannot have children."
"Something that the Architect did changed me, Avernus has run some tests, it turns out that I can in fact have children," she sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of her nose. "It also appears that when the calling comes for me, it will be later than for most Wardens. I may turn out to be one of the oldest Wardens in history, if I don't die in battle that is. Not nearly as old as Avernus mind. I imagine that he's the only Warden hundreds of years old but I shall live out my lifespan naturally."
Nathaniel frowned, "Can that be duplicated?"
Elissa shrugged, "He's working on it. I was hoping that we could find a way for Alistair to sire an heir as well with the Queen. Ferelden needs stability and for that we need an heir."
Nathaniel shook his head, "I suppose all we can do is hope that the First Warden denies the request then. Or, you could just run away."
She snorted. "You know me better than that."
He shook his head, "Unfortunately. Sometimes I just wish you would do what makes you happy."
They all sat in silence for some time staring at the fire. Elissa was so lost in thought that she didn't even hear the pair of them leave the library until she looked up to find herself alone. "Bollocks!" she growled and left the room to go to bed, slamming the door behind her.
She tightened her grip on starfang, "Steady!" she ordered as the band of darkspawn crawled over the field of wheat before them. She hurriedly scanned the field assessing the threat. Five genlocks, three hurlocks...an Emissary...so far, no sign of, "Shit!" she spat.
The first tell tale vibration of the earth under foot heralded the coming of an Ogre. The Vibration doubled.
"Double shit," commented Sigrun.
"Heh, good!" Oghren pulled in a big breath of air through his nose making a snorting noise and then spat out a wad of spit. "More for me!"
"You're revolting!" Vellana commented.
"Heh heh, that's what she said!" Oghren shot back.
"Enough!" Elissa growled. "Sigrun, Oghren, with me. Velanna, slow those Ogre's down until Oghren and I can get the rest cleared. Sigrun, knees are the enemy!"
Sigrun giggled delightedly, "You're the boss, boss!"
Elissa nodded then thrust her sword into the air, "For the Grey Wardens!" her battle cry rang out, and the answering cry of the Amaranthine soldiers rang out behind her, "For Amaranthine!" they answered back.
Elissa charged into the fray, and soon enough she and Oghren were back to back, his ax sung through the air beheading the genlock she knocked to the ground. As drunk as he was, they fought well together.
Before she knew it the Ogre's were upon them, Sigrun weaved in and out of the beasts legs, her daggers cutting deep into tendons and bones. Soon one went down to a knee, Oghren seized the opportunity and leapt on the beasts back his ax swung upwards and then he drove it deep into the side of it's neck, blood sprayed across the battlefield, coating everyone. Her helmet got the worst of it and for but a moment she hesitated to wipe a gauntlet over the visor to remove some of the gore, it proved to be a grave mistake. Her world was suddenly turned upside down, her leg grabbed by the other Ogre.
She had but a second to scream in outrage before she was shaken back and forth like a rag doll, it's grip crushed her from her hip to her knee. And then she was sailing through the air, the pain in her leg was blinding and then the rush of the ground rising impossibly fast to meet her was all that she saw before the darkness claimed her.
Waking up some place other than where she passed out, always put her out of sorts. Her return to consciousness was slow, the pain was the first thing she felt, then a familiar deep bone knitting itch. Maddening and burning at the same time. "Ahhh," she hissed, "Maker's fucking balls!"
A relieved laugh, "I must say, I missed that dirty mouth of yours."
"Anders?" she squinted her eyes against the light of the window behind the figure that was swimming into focus before her.
"Of course it's me, who else would be tenderly attending to your wounds?" he quipped.
"Is everyone else ok?" she asked and then winced as her head and her leg sounded off in sharp report as she tried to sit up. He pushed her back gently.
"Yes, yes...everyone else is just fine. You? Not so much, oh brave and stupid one," he clucked his tongue at her. "I swear you do this so I can take that armor off you! You only need to ask you know? No Ogre crushing necessary," he pressed a water-glass to her lips. "Drink this, you're dehydrated."
Elissa drank, the liquid cool and tasting like elfroot and cucumber. "Why does it still hurt?" she croaked out.
"Crushing injuries are hard to knit together," he explained. "I can put most of it back together, but, it doesn't always all go back together. Some things have to just heal on their own. I have an elfroot tonic you should drink once a day, it will be awhile until you're healed all the way."
She leaned back on her pillow, suddenly tired. "Sleepy," she muttered drowsily.
Anders nodded and the warmth of his hand against her brow was the last thing she felt before she drifted off.
"Lissie," a voice called her. "Time to wake up little sister."
She recognized her brothers voice and wrinkled her nose. She didn't want to get up, she was sore and tired. If she got up that would mean that she would have to likely go wrangle her hound out of the kitchen, as was her duty every morning. "Fergus!" she whined. "Tell Mother I'll be down in a bit. Nan can put up with Jack a little longer."
The unexpected throb of pain in her leg brought her around more thoroughly and she awoke to the sad eyes of her brother, "Fergus?" she looked around and found herself in her quarters in Amaranthine.
"Maker," Fergus took her hand, "that brought back memories." His smile was sad.
Elissa felt her own grief clutch at her heart still fresh after three years, "Oh Fergus, I'm sorry. I forgot where I was."
He held up his other hand, "Peace, sister. Remembering them so vividly keeps them alive, it brings me comfort just knowing that I have someone in my life who remembers them like I do. I don't know what I would do if I lost you too."
She opened her arms and he embraced her. They held on to each other for a bit, Elissa let a tear travel it's way down her cheek before she wiped it away and released him. "Not that I am complaining brother, but what are you doing here?"
Fergus pulled back and scowled at her, "I only have one sister, when she is foolish enough to get shaken around by an ogre I feel it's my obligation, no, my duty to come and lecture her."
She snorted, "My apologies oh Lord High Chancellor of the annoying Brotherhood, next time I shall tell the Ogre not to shake me whilst he's trying to kill me."
"Good," Fergus chuckled and then looked uncomfortable, "there's one other thing."
Elissa groaned and then pinched the bridge of her nose, "There usually is. Alright...tell me."
Fergus chuckled, "Teagan is here."
"What?!" she squeaked out, her throat was dry and not kind to her vocal cords, making her surprised exclamation a higher pitch.
Fergus laughed out loud at that, "You can hardly blame him, Elissa. I only just gave him permission to begin courting you and before he can even come and formally declare his intentions, you try to die!"
"Don't exaggerate," she admonished. " I never actually try to die. Besides, I don't even know if the Wardens will allow this, let alone whether or not I want this!" she exclaimed.
Fergus sighed heavily, "Elissa, I know this is not what you would have wanted. Even before the blight happened. Father and Mother fought over your independent nature so much when we were children. We all know you would never do something that you did not want to do. Just, please consider a few things," he pleaded.
"Such as?" she asked, her left brow raised in challenge.
Fergus squeezed her hands slightly, "Father would not have made the match if he didn't think the two of you would be suited to one another. Of us all, Father had the best judgement of other people, save for Howe. He had a blind spot when it came to that man. Also, Teagan is a loyal, brave, and steadfast man. He doesn't separate himself from his people which makes him well loved," her brother said, trying to make a case for the man. "Also, he has a deep admiration of you. I dare say he's more than half in love with you already. I think he'd impale himself on his own sword to keep you from harm. Did you know there is a statue that he recently erected in your honor in Redcliff?"
Elissa's appalled face said it all, "No! Dear Maker, please don't tell me that he put up a statue of me?!"
Fergus laughed, "Maker, no! It's a Griffon, but the plaque beneath it says 'Dedicated to the Hero of Fereldan, renowned savior of Redcliff, long may her beauty and bravery endure."
Elissa buried her face in her hands, her cheeks inflamed, "Maker!"
Fergus released her hands and patted her on the head like he used to when they were children. "The man is totally lost to your charms."
"I hate you," she slapped his arm playfully.
He laughed again, "No you don't. Just... don't reject him immediately? Please? For my sake. I tire of his mooning."
She sighed, "It may not be my choice."
"Well, if the First Warden releases you, please consider it? Mother and Father wanted you to be happy. I want you to be happy." Fergus hugged her and then stood to leave the room, "I'll let the others know you've awoken, then send you up something to eat."
"Thank you, Fergus."
He nodded then left her to think. Elissa sunk down into her pillows, her hip and leg protesting harshly. This was not going to be easy.
Soon after Anders came back to inspect her leg and then broke the news to her that she was likely to be out of fighting commission for a few weeks yet. The bones were healing and he could speed her recovery. However, because of the severity of the injury to her hip and thighbone, she may have difficulty with some of her shield tactics. This displeased her very much. Anders had no accurate prediction for whether she'd ever get back to her former ability. She may have to change her fighting style, the shield required a certain stance and strength in her legs. If it gave out on her in the heat of battle she would be quickly overwhelmed. She needed to be able to stand her ground. As it was, when the weather was foul she would most certainly limp, arthritis would also be an issue as she grew older.
"Why don't you ever have any good news, Anders?" she groused.
"Because you're cute when you're grumpy?" he asked teasingly.
She stuck her tongue out at him and he laughed, "Look, Bann Teagan has been asking to see you. I had some crutched made for you so that you can go hide in the garden. However, I can't keep the man away forever, you've been awake for days and he insists he be able to see that you're alright for himself. Also, we received a missive from Weisshaupt yesterday," he looked at her with discomfort on his face. "Nathaniel and I peeked at it, just looking out for you, you understand. Elissa, he's released you to marry."
She raised a brow at that, "Nice to know I can count on the two of you to stay out of my private correspondences."
Anders shook his head and took her hand in his as he sat down on the bed. He looked into her eyes seriously, "If I could, I'd marry you myself, Maker's breath I think all of us would, except maybe Justice," he shuddered.
"Anders," she said shakily, not knowing what to say. He shook his head and leaned forward placing a gentle kiss on her lips. It was soft but chaste. Nothing but a promise of what could be.
"I would never be able to make you happy, sweetheart," he said gently. "I just wanted to tell you, before you made your decision. We all love you, in our own way, we'd be there for you in any way we could be, even if nothing came of it, Nathaniel has his own candle for you. Not that you've noticed. He's very careful about how he acts around you. Your brother has a lot to do with it. He was in here almost more than I was when you were unconscious. Left as soon as you started to wake."
"I, don't know what to say," she whispered.
"Then, don't say anything. I just want you to know that if you are tempted to say yes because of loneliness, just think of the alternatives. You have more than a few choices and there is no marriage required," he leaned forward and kissed her cheek this time. "I'll go get those crutches for you," he said before rising and leaving the room.
Elissa sat back, stunned. She'd endured what she assumed was goodnatured teasing from them both, never realizing that there was a bit of truth to their flirtation.
More than Anders, Nathaniel's feelings surprised her. How long? She had known him her whole life, he was four years older than she. Back then she was nothing more than an awkward teen when he was sent to squire in the Free Marches. Before that they'd not exchanged more than a friendly hug here and there. A comforting embrace or two since she'd become Commander, once he stopped being so angry with her, of course.
She looked up as Anders returned with the crutches, "Thank you, Anders."
He smiled gently, his hazel eyes warm, "My pleasure."
She blushed and he chuckled as he left the room.
"Ass," she laughed affectionately. She then proceeded to try and get herself into a pair of breeches and a tunic so she could hobble down to the garden.
Much later than she would have liked she managed to find her way to a bench in the garden where she gazed up at the sun flickering through the leaves as the breeze blew gently through them. The whisper of the breeze soothed her as she tried to relax through the pain of her injury. She'd staunchly refused any pain tonic not wanting to becoming reliant on it. Anders had again clucked his tongue at her but relented.
"So, My Lady is found," a familiar voice called from the gardens entrance.
She jumped, startled at the sudden sound and glanced towards the voice to find Bann Teagan standing there. The sudden jarring had her hissing in pain. Once it passed she sought out the man that called to her. He was much like she remembered him, though he'd gotten rid of the braid, and his hair was a bit longer. But his eyes were still warm and his smile roguish. He looked more rested than he had in Redcliff and somehow as relieved as he'd been when they'd destroyed the dead at Redcliff.
"My Lord!" She exclaimed and struggled to rise again the pain caught her by surprise and she felt dizzy from the intensity.
He held out his hand as if he could stop her from getting up from where he was, "Maker's Breath, please my Lady do not get up!" He was at her side quicker than she would have guessed that he could move. "Please, rest. I simply wish to come and speak with you, if you would but allow me to join you?"
Elissa winced as she settled down, "I doubt that I will be pleasant company, my Lord. However, as I am told that you've been most eager to see me, I should not be so cruel as to refuse you an audience now," she gestured to the empty spot on the bench beside her. The pain was dulling from sharp daggers in her joints to a hard throb. A light sheen of sweat had formed itself between her shoulder blades. She had a feeling that she would need assistance to get back to her room. Still, at the very least, she would get this over with, for good or ill.
He sat down beside her, concern in her eyes. "My Lady," he began and then paused, "how are you?"
She snorted, "I look better than I feel I think."
"Perhaps, this can wait until you are feeling better? I feel I am being selfish in wanting to speak with you on our personal matter, it can wait. I can give you time," he took her hand.
His touch was gentle and she sighed, not having the heart to send him away, "No my Lord, we cannot hide from this situation forever. I believe we should talk sooner rather than later, especially since I've heard many opinions on the matter, but, I have yet to hear your own. That is hardly fair."
His startled laugh broke the tension, "It is nice to hear my feelings echoed my lady, I've known of our engagement since Eamon awoke from his malady. I struggled with that knowledge when we marched on Denerim. I didn't know if you knew, or if our engagement was still valid, as you were a Grey Warden. I had so many questions. You understand?" his eyes pleaded with her to understand what he was trying to convey. "I would have spoken to you sooner, but, could not. Our...exchange in the Chantry gave me hope that you would be agreeable, but I didn't know if you would be allowed," his voice was thick with emotion when he continued, "During the battle of Denerim, I worried that I would lose you forever without knowing if we could have had a future."
Elissa squeezed his hand, "I'm alive Teagan," she assured him, dropping the formal address.
"Alive, but still you place yourself in constant danger, Elissa!" he ground out, startling her with his sudden outburt. He noticed this and then raised her hand to his lips, brushing them over her knuckles, making her blush.
"Please understand," he begged. "I am a man who has before the blight never put thought to settling down. Then, a woman unlike any I have ever known comes to Redcliff and turns my world upside down. Her beauty and bravery stir me, her eyes captivate me and her recklessness is the cause of so many sleepless nights. Your brother has threatened to burn my letters if I inquire as to your welfare one more time. Then, he sends me word that you've been crushed by an Ogre! I rode my horse nearly to death to get here. Please, you must take more care!" he finished passionately. His eyes drew her in, as they had the first time she'd met him. They were the color of the waking sea and his gaze as intense as any storm.
"Worry not, my Lord. I will not be gallivanting off into battle anytime soon," she promised and smiled when he released a shaky breath in relief. "Anders believes I shall not be able to withstand direct assault with my shield stance. I can wield a sword but I've never had the dexterity for dual weapons. My hip was dislocated and I might not be able to pivot enough to wield a Great Sword. In effect, I might have to lead from the rear for the foreseeable future," she finished the sentence between gritted teeth. She bit her lip at the anger in her voice. "I'm sorry, I've always been able to push through set backs before. I feel helpless," she admitted.
Again, he kissed her hand and puffed up visibly when she blushed, "Elissa, you are anything but helpless. You hold the respect of all of Fereldan, and you command the hearts of many, including my own. Do not doubt yourself now."
"I don't know how I feel about this engagement or your feelings," she confessed. "A Cousland does what they must. And I am inclined to honor my Father's wishes. I never wanted an arranged marriage and I don't believe you the kind of man to marry for duty alone. What of love, Teagan? Would you marry me if I could not love you?"
His expression was enough of an answer for her but he spoke passionately, "I would possess your heart, Elissa, or we would part ways. I would never force you. You have but to command me to go and I shall ride back to Redcliff and never bother you again," he seemed slightly offended that she would believe him capable of enforcing the contract that her Father and Eamon made against her wishes.
"I meant no offense, I just want to explain that you've known about this far longer than I and I still don't know how I feel about it. I only just heard back from Weisshaupt, I am free to marry. It's just that, when I became a Warden, I renounced all titles and lands, and now here I am an Arlessa in my own right. I learned that the taint prevented me from having children, then I was told that the Architects meddling effectively rendered the taint harmless, and that children may be possible. Then, I learned that I've been betrothed since girlhood to a man I only met during the blight," she took a deep steadying breath. "I am not saying no, I am asking for patience. I have lost so much, Teagan. I am tired. I have been fighting for my life since the night Rendon Howe stole my life from me. It is hard to give up fighting when there always seem to be an enemy around the next bend."
"I would not be an enemy," he said softly. He moved closer to her and leaned down, his breath ghosting over her lips, "I would be your knight, if you would but let me."
Elissa's eyes closed under the spell of his voice and warmth, the masculine smell of him was a heady drug and Maker save her but she wanted him to kiss her. Just as he leaned in closer and the heat of his lips reached hers someone cleared their throat. Her eyes flew open to find Teagan looking at the garden entrance with irritation.
"Commander," Nathaniel called to her, looking quite unimpressed with Teagan's glare. "Might I have a word with you?'
"Yes, of course Nathaniel," she turned an apologetic smile to Teagan. "I am sorry, my Lord. We will have to finish our discussion at a later time."
Teagan stood and kissed her hand gently again, "I look forward to it, My Lady."
Once he was gone Nathaniel sat down next to her, "So, he wasted no time." His tone was slightly bitter.
Elissa bit her lower lip, her conversation with Anders replaying itself in her mind. "What do you think, Nathaniel?" she had no idea how she would feel about his answer, but she did not want to dance around Nathaniel's feelings forever.
He took her chin in his hand and tilted her face up to his, "I think he doesn't deserve you," he said and then before she knew what was happening his lips were on hers, tasting her like he would a fine wine. His lips moved over hers softly and she grabbed his collar to deepen the kiss which turned passionate. When they pulled apart he settled his forehead against hers, "You've haunted me, all my life."
"Nathaniel," Elissa whispered. "Why haven't you-" he silenced her with another kiss and when he pulled away he stroked her cheek.
"Why do you think my Father sent me to the Free Marches? I didn't win your Father's favor, he worried that I wouldn't be able to handle you. As a result, my Father sent me away to 'toughen me up'" he smiled down at her, his hand moved from stroking her cheek affectionately to run his fingers through her red curls.
"You're Father sent you to the Free Marches because of me?" she misted up, had they become betrothed when she was a teen, what might have happened to her then?
"Yes, he felt your Father meant that you needed a 'firm' hand. I didn't ever want to hurt you. I always loved you, I would have killed anyone who dared raise a hand to you, I might have even killed Father myself if he'd hurt you," he kissed her forehead, "I idolized the man, but I worshiped you."
"Oh, Nathaniel," her tears filled her eyes.
"No," he soothed. "Please, don't cry Lissa. I didn't deserve you then, and I certainly don't deserve you now."
"What?" she couldn't believe what she was hearing. Finally Nathaniel Howe was confessing his feelings towards her and now he was pulling away from her. Was every man in this keep out of his mind?
"I was spoiled then, and when I came back, I was bitter. Then, when I found you again, I wanted to hold you and kill you at the same time. You took my Father, my Father took your whole family. There is so much sin between us. While you do not blame me, and I forgive you. I can't look at you and not feel ashamed. I can't take you to my bed and not feel as though I failed you. And I am still angry. Maker forgive me, but I cannot help it! You deserve better, I don't want to look at our children and see my Father's eyes staring back at me," he gathered her into his arms and held her tightly. "I am so sorry Lissie."j
"You never did play fair," she sniffled into his chest.
"No," he agreed. "I just wanted you to know, before it was no longer something I could tell you. I didn't want what could have been to stop you from being happy. Anders has an incredibly large mouth. I needed to explain how I felt without his interference. Despite what he thinks, I couldn't share you with anyone, but, even having you all to myself I would always push you away. You would never be happy with me.''
When he finally released her and left the garden, she was left alone with her thoughts. The warmth of the early summer sun did nothing to alleviate the sudden cold that came with the absence of his embrace. She turned her eyes to the heavens and sighed loudly, "Why is nothing ever easy?"
Over the course of the next few days the confessions of both Teagan and Nathaniel left her much to think about. Inwardly she cursed them both. Teagan for being intriguing and Nathaniel for being pragmatic and for pulling away from her so thoroughly. Since the garden he'd been exceedingly respectful and deferential, but gone was the childhood friendship and affection that they had begun to rekindle since the events of the battle at Amaranthine. He was making it clear to her that it was over, he was letting her go.
Anders made no more mention of his own attraction to her either, which, was fine. He was perfectly clear that he could only meet some of her needs. Love in the Circle was not condoned, for fear that the magic within them would pass down to their offspring. Though Anders was in his own way declaring his feelings for her, his lack of commitment would wear on her. Circle Mages did not marry, only held onto what they could when they could. That was not a way that she wanted to live. While Anders swore he didn't want anything to do with the Circle, some things were just too much for him to handle. Committment to something other than his own needs for example was one of them. That might change, but she couldn't see it changing for her. He even told her as much.
Before now, she had only ever entertained thoughts of attraction for any of the three men much as she would have for any other handsome man. No need to pursue something more if she was living from one deadly adventure to the next, after all. All that changed with this betrothal.
The First Warden was near ordering the union between her and Teagan. He even suggested that a Warden presence on either side of Fereldan and in Soldiers Peak would be sounder militarily than just a concentrated force in Amaranthine. She would abdicate as the Arlessa of Amaranthine and give the seat back to Nathaniel Howe, he was after all bred to play the part. She could see the First Wardens point. It would make it more difficult for the Wardens to be ousted from Fereldan again, should they be more spread out. With Alistair on the throne recruiting had begun anew and new recruits showed up at Amaranthine's gates almost daily.
She just couldn't decide if it's what she wanted. All her life she struggled against the quiet proper life of a lady. She wanted to join the Wardens ever since she was young. When Duncan arrived at her family's home she was determined that she was going to leave with him, one way or another. It was the only thing she'd ever wanted for herself. However, since the Architect had taken her, she'd begun to tire of the constant fighting. Peace seemed like a far off dream. And she couldn't deny that there were times when she regretted not pursuing romantic overtures made by her companions during the blight. She wondered often, what the harm would there have been in letting go and finding comfort in the arms of another? At the end of the day,however, there always seemed to be something more important to do.
She sighed, she could make no decisions now. She must get to know the man before she could agree to the arrangement. So when he came to her and asked her to visit him in Redcliff she agreed, much to his surprise.
"I must confess I did not expect you to agree so easily," he smiled warmly.
"We should both know what we're getting into Teagan. I do not want to marry a man I hardly know," she explained.
"I agree, you might find you cannot bear the way I chew my food nor want to put up with how much mud I drag into the Manor," he grinned.
"Manor?" She asked curiously. His comment painted an image of him entering a house, tracking in mud, pheasant slung over one shoulder and a bow over another. A wide smile on his handsome features as he greeted his wife on returning from hunting. She blushed at the way it made her feel warm inside.
"I cannot stay at Redcliff for more than a week at a time," he explained. "The Bannorn of Rainesfere is still mine to run until Alistair gifts it to someone else, I still stay there. It's too small to be considered a castle, it's more like a large house. Not too grand, it has become home to me." his proud smile warmed her.
"So why am I visiting you in Redcliff, then?" She asked curiously.
"I simply did not think that it would make a grand impression…?" he rubbed the back of his neck.
"I need nothing grand my Lord," she shook her head but smiled in spite of herself. He wanted to impress her, enough that he was willing to endure the memories of Redcliff Castle for her sake. "I can join you in Rainesfere at your leisure, just tell me when I may impose upon your hospitality and I shall be there."
He laughed and mock-bowed, "Her Ladyship may come to visit me as soon as she can comfortably sit a horse. Or by carriage if she would prefer."
Elissa made a face causing him to chuckle, "I cannot stand riding in a stuffy carriage. Let me consult with Anders on what he thinks about my progress. The pain is less and I am able to get around without the crutches now, if slowly. Perhaps riding will help."
As it turned out, Anders made her wait another week before declaring her fit for travel. Learning that she would be ready soo, Teagan stayed so that they could travel together. Anders examined her again to make sure that she was ready. She was stiff but he declared that the bones were knitted as much as they were ever going to be. Now it was up to her to move around more to regain some mobility. He did stuff her saddlebags full of elfroot before he left. He insisted that he stay behind however, something about Justice needing him for something. Nathaniel also understandably stayed behind. Velanna, Ohgren and Sigrun accompanied her. Velanna walked, snorting in derision when one of Teagan's knights offered for her to ride with him. She instead chose to walk beside Sigrun who rode a pony. Ohgren walked next to his pony, or rather staggered along with his arm slung around it's neck singing bawdy tavern songs to it.
The first day did not start off badly, the muscle in her thigh was stretching nicely and her hip seemed to be fairing alright. That was up until midday. The sun overhead beat down on them and though she only donned a set of leather armor she found that her hip began to ache and before long she was sweating from both the heat and the pain.
"Elissa," Teagan dropped his horse back and got a look at her. "Maker's breath! You're white as a sheet!" He raised his hand up, "Halt!" he called and his entourage pulled to a stop.
He slid off his horse and hurried over to hers, "Let me help you down!"
She accepted his help begrudgingly, hissing as her hip protested, she fell against his chest and if she was not in so much pain she would have blushed at the way she was pressed against him. "Andraste's ass this hurts!" she exclaimed.
He pursed his lips trying to hide a smile at her cursing, "Come lean against me, we'll rest here. We've gone a good distance at this point, we can stop and eat something at least."
Angry and a little embarrassed at the weakness of her still healing body. She let him lead her to a nearby patch of shade where he helped her get settled on a patch of grass her hip protesting until she was sitting down in the coolness of the shade, "I am so sorry Teagan!" she apologized.
"No, I should have checked on you sooner," he assured her. "Aside from that, you never need to apologize to me dear lady." He kneeled down and handed her his waterskin. "Take a sip of water, I will have someone bring up more water from the nearby stream. Would you like me to ask Velanna to attend you?"
She smiled at him affectionately, he was being so attentive, "I think if I am to make it any farther today that might be a good idea."
He nodded and left to go and retrieve the elven mage. By the time Velanna came to take a look at her she had nearly fallen asleep from the relief of being off her horse.
"You push yourself too hard," Velanna chided but not unkindly. Elissa was the only human Velanna ever spoke kindly to.
"I cannot afford to be this weak," Elissa hissed. "What if we encounter darkspawn on the road?"
"Then you will let the drunken oaf take care of it," Velanna responded without pause as she laid her hands on Elissa's newly healed left thigh and hip.
Elissa felt the soothing coolness of Velanna's magic flow through her, "I always liked how your healing spells feel. Like a cool river on a hot summer day."
Velanna chuckled, "Anders is skilled but impatient, he rushes where he should go slowly and he uses too much of the energy from the fade, not enough from the world around him. Magic lies in more places than in the fade...circle fool."
Elissa smiled and did not argue especially since the throbbing was gone, "That is so nice. Thank you, Velanna."
Velanna preened visibly then sniffed, "We should stop every four hours, not longer than that."
Elissa groaned, "Why?"
"Because your body has been healed with magic and while it's good for mending wounds quickly, bones take awhile to go back to what they once were, if ever. You were lucky you only got knocked unconscious! If that Ogre had grabbed you around the middle instead of your leg you'd have been beyond even Anders' skill!" the elven mage scolded her.
"Ugh, fine!" Elissa pouted.
An evil smile spread over the elven mage's lips, "Actually, I may know how you can ride for longer."
Elissa raised an eybrow at her, "How?"
"You could ride side saddle," Velanna studied her nails.
"I would have to ride in front of someone or I migh slide off," Elissa said and then her expression turned stormy. "Oh, I hate you."
Velanna threw her head back and fairly cackled, "I know."
"Would I actually be able to ride longer or are you simply teasing me?" she asked unhappily.
"Both," Velanna smirked.
"Maker's balls, you are such a bitch!" she threw a handful of grass and dirt at the woman.
Velanna dodged the debris easily and smirked, "Shall I go ask him for you?"
"Don't you dare!" Elissa glared. "I will ask him myself."
"Suit yourself, just remember that if you get back on your own horse at this point you will be in even more pain and we'll have to stop for longer. This way you'll be a little more comfortable."
Elissa watched as Velanna sauntered away, clearly pleased with herself. "Harpy!" she hissed at her friends back.
Teagan appeared a short time later carrying one of her waterskins. He sat down beside her while she drank. "How are you feeling, my Lady?"
"Could you not just call me Elissa?" she asked with a quirk of her lips.
He smiled back and then winked. "As you wish, Elissa."
She giggled then caught herself. Since when did warriors giggle? Still, a quick look at his face showed that he was pleased at her reaction so she decided he was not judging her for it. She took a deep breath, hoping that she did not sound too forward, "Teagan, Velanna thinks that I should ride side saddle..." she trailed off and fidgeted with her waterskin.
He reached out and stilled her fingers. "Then you shall ride with me," he said confidently.
She blushed and looked away so he could not see how nervous she was, "If you're certain, I could ride with one of the knights-,"
He reached out and lifted her chin gently so that she was looking at him, "Elissa, holding you in my arms is not a pleasure I would share with anyone else in this world. You will ride with me."
"Oh. Thank you, Teagan," she replied. She felt an accompanying heat in her lower belly that she'd never felt before.
Rather than reply he brushed his lips over her knuckles and rose to his feet, "Let me go and prepare my horse and I shall return to check on you once I am done."
She leaned back against the tree. "Maker's breath. How am I going to get through this?"
A/N: I started this before I started my other piece The Blood Rose. I hadn't posted it because I wasn't sure that it was good enough. It seemed almost too formulaic. I re-read it recently and thought, 'It doesn't have to be'. Maybe I can write something new, something different? Something untold? So, here goes nothing. So far the first chapter is run of the mill, but, I hope that you've enjoyed it so far. I will nurse it along some different paths and hope we come out somewhere fulfilling.