Disclaimer: Don't own 'Doctor Who' or the song 'Don't let go' by Bryan Adams.
Don't let go
The Doctor put the letter down in front of him and stared at it. If only scenarios tumbled through his head. He'd outright lied to Rose.
"I'm always okay," he'd told her with voice subdued and a weak smile. Yeah, she'd noticed. Mickey had dragged her off somewhere, so now he could be alone. Humans could grieve outwardly for months, years, but he couldn't do that. Couldn't afford to do that. He was the last Time Lord and there was an endless well of grief in his heart. He'd travelled across space and time and he'd seen things from which the sheer weight of emotion would cripple a mere human, the heaviest burden being the witnessing of the utter destruction of his kind.
Now he stood there and stared at the final document written to him by Reinette Poisson, Madame de Pompadour, on her death bed and made his choice – though not so much of a choice as he did what he had to do. Slowly he closed his eyes…and remembered.
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I can't believe this moment's come
It's so incredible that we're alone
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He held the glass of wine in his hand and looked across at Reinette. Stranded forever, with her. He could think of by far worse fates…still when he'd thought about the end, which he hadn't, or all those times had come when his life could've stopped – he'd never considered this as a finishing point. A peaceful prevention from travelling. Cut off from the Tardis. No death. No violent objection. Just a quiet end of his own choice.
It was all worth it for her.
He wondered where the incompetent king had gone (he knew his French history). He'd have thought the man would want to keep an eye on his mistress when she was with a stranger. The Doctor smiled inwardly. Reinette had probably scared him off, weak willed fool that he was when faced with opposition. It was funny how the king was more attractive in person than the portrait painters made out.
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There's so much to be said and done
It's impossible not to be overcome
Will you forgive me if I feel this way
Cuz we've just met - tell me that's OK
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His eyes drank in the sight of her. He'd known her for about the space of twenty-four hours, was it possible to feel the way he did after so short a time? She'd known him for the same amount of time, over a longer period, but she knew him on a deeper level than anyone else – had already looked through his memories.
Humans had something called Soulmates, when two people met who were destined to be together. Soulmates were a universal principle, only more scientific. Some races in the future, or even now, had a chip placed inside themselves that registered their likes and dislikes and character flaws. These chips emitted a signal that the other chips picked up and compared statistics. An indicator was sent to the species when they met who the chip figured they'd be most compatible with. Some races went even further as to match up the best characteristics in order to produce the best offspring. A breeding programme.
The Human's idea had a much more magical, special feeling to it.
What was it about humans?
They were, most of them, known for making stupid, evil, selfish decisions and hurting each other with no just cause. Sometimes he thought he hated the whole species…but then there were others…like Rose…like Reinette…and underlying it all was that ability they had to simply survive and adapt despite the circumstances.
Was it wrong to feel the way he did so soon?
He met her eyes. She wasn't afraid. She felt the same.
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So take this feeling'n make it grow
Never let it - never let it go
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He'd smiled and toasted the 'slow path' with her. It was a difficult concept for him to grasp. Maybe that's why he'd been so excited by the portal. It must have hurt her…his eagerness to get away.
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Dont let go of the things you believe in
Dont' let go of this moment in time
Don't let go of things that you're feeling
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The memory of her sharp, pain-filled cry of "No!" stabbed him. He should have thought about it. His rashness had cost him.
The look on her face caused his triumphant grin to drop as he twisted from her. Turned 3000 years into the future where she was unable to touch him.
It would've been okay though…because he was going to take her with him…
If he'd been thinking clearly he would've known that to be impossible. You can't tamper with history like that…
Then when he'd returned…
The Doctor flinched away from the memory. He'd deal with that one last.
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Dont' let go
No, I won't let go
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Now, further back. He had to go further back. Reinette as a child. Cute kid. Brave and obedient. Sensible. She hadn't screamed when she'd seen the clockwork doll like he thought she would've. Smart girl.
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Now would you mind if I bared my soul
If I came right out and said you're beautiful
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Next…he faltered. No. It had to be done. Next.
He strode into her bedroom again. Just a check up on her. Then…then he'd been startled. Not often was the Doctor taken off guard. He was trying to keep to the point but she was beautiful. He was totally dazzled. That was Reinette. Poised, graceful, witty. She repeatedly defied her mother to have a few more moments with him.
Strange that he was tongue-tied. It'd been an age since he'd struggled with the right words. A novel, awkward feeling he was glad he didn't get very often.
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Cuz there's something here I can't explain
I feel I'm diving into driving rain
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"Well you feel like flesh and blood," she gently touched his cheek, brushed it with delicate fingers, soft as a butterfly's wing. It made his hearts beat faster. Then she kissed him and the world exploded.
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You get my senses running wild
I can't resist your sweet, sweet smile
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Everything was suddenly sensuously heightened. The sweet scent of her perfume. The taste of her. Everywhere she touched was fire and her kiss eager and passionate. Then she was gone. Running to attend to her mother, leaving him slumped against the wall in a daze.
It wasn't till the fog had cleared that realisation hit him with a burst of sharp clarity. He had to laugh. Madame de Pompadour!
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So take this feeling'n make it grow
Never let it - never let it go
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The next time he saw her she was in the gardens at Versailles, walking with a friend, laughing. He couldn't help but let the small smile seep onto his face, reflecting the tenderness and warmth he felt inside. It was so good to see her enjoying herself.
She had a beautiful laugh.
He couldn't resist just watching her, watching the way she moved and laughed and made witty comments. Her views were spoken with decorum and her ambitions were as high as she could climb. He did not begrudge her them. She was who she was and she was perfectly able to achieve what her heart desired.
There was a small hope inside him, which he tried to ignore, that wished her to hold onto what she felt for him. It was foolish and unlike him to want that change in history. No one ever spoke of Madame de Pompadour as pining after a lost love, someone she held in more regard than the king.
That didn't stop the tiny flame from burning.
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I've been waiting all my life
To make this moment feel so right
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He'd returned to the ship as soon as she was out of sight and had finally tracked down Rose and Mickey. They'd found another window…and he was looking straight into her eyes…and she was unable to see him…
Of course he did end up charging through the barrier a few seconds later so it was neither here nor there that she'd been unable to see him at that particular moment.
They were alone together again. It had only been a couple of hours for him. For her it had been years and from seeing her memories…he could hardly believe that she had been waiting for him to show up again…that she'd been planning what she'd do, what they'd do.
He was therefore prepared for the "dance with me" when she uttered it, although he hadn't quite been prepared for it to be an order, but that was very like her. Her persistency also caught him off guard, but again, that was very like her.
He had never been so off balance with anyone in his existence. No one else had ever stepped through his door and looked inside his head. It hadn't occurred to anyone else.
Only her. Only she'd felt that ache that was ever present. Only she'd understood.
He probably could've put up more of a fight…but he'd wanted to dance with her…and as long as it didn't damage history - well, anymore than it had already been damaged that was - why shouldn't he indulge for a few brief glorious moments?
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The feel of you just fills the night
So c'mon - just hold on tight
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He remembered the feeling of her hand in his. He remembered her light touch on his shoulder. He remembered what it had been like to hold her close and dance with her, regardless of who saw. Just being able to flow and move together as if that's what they'd been made to do. She was the first he'd danced with and she was the only one who he could have danced with. His eternal partner. If he danced with anyone else in his lifetime…none would be as perfect as her, because none would be her.
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You give me something that I can believe in
Dont' let go of this moment in time
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Why her?
Why had the droids wanted her?
Why was she the one who understood him better than any other?
Why was she one of the ones who died young?
Why her?
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Don't let go of things that you're feeling
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The final memory. It wasn't of her. It was about her.
The King's stance, his pain laden voice, they should've given it away.
He should of known at once.
Instead…that horrible dawning realisation. He never wanted to feel that again. The seeping knowledge that she was dead, she was gone, she was never coming back.
The human saying is that if you play with fire you're going to get burnt.
The Time Lords have a similar one, about falling in love with someone in history. They're going to die…possibly right in front of you…so you don't touch them.
For those few moments he had forgotten. He had entertained ideas, fantasies, about taking her with him, of all the things they'd see together.
He was paying the price for it now.
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Dont' let go
No, I won't let go
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The Doctor didn't do domestic but he had been willing to try for her. He kind of forced it on himself.
Yeah he had planned to break all the rules.
It was all for nothing.
The last scrap of memory drifted through his head and he swept it up to join the others. With a pang he shut the box and locked it tight.
Some might call it the easy way out to lock up the memories and emotions but he saw it as necessity. It was more difficult to choose to forget. It was more painful. Pain and memory fade with time. He'd taken it all on at once.
He was the Doctor and he couldn't afford to grieve for long.