"We should get some sleep."
"Here, or…?"
She looks over, and I'm not sure what I expect to see on her face. Her skin is flushed, expression open and a little shocked. I badly want to reach over and caress her cheek, I have the most irresistible urge, but I'm not sure how she'd take it.
"Yeah," she says, with a small smile.
She has her arms folded over her ribcage and her chin tucked to her chest, the sheet pulled up to keep her decent. I wish it was lower; I'd die to see her again. We'd kept the lights on before, I saw everything - and I mean everything. But I don't feel finished with her.
I need to know what she's thinking. My mind is going crazy wondering what we just did. I took her virginity - well, she gave it to me - and that's the last thing I expected to happen on this trip. It came completely out of left field.
My friends tease me about the crush I have on her all the time, and I can't deny it. That's the reason why they're always on my ass, they know how true it is. I can't help it. There's always been something about her that drew me in, and I've never put my finger on what it is. But she drives me crazy. She has for forever.
So, the fact that I'm lying next to her with no plans to leave tonight is a dream. Of course, I've fantasized about it more than I'm willing to admit - but the reality of having sex with her was even crazier than how I'd imagined. She didn't act like a virgin once we got between the sheets, that's for sure. A confidence I'd never seen before came out in her, and I hope I'll get to see it again soon.
"Are you tired?" I ask, looking over while only moving my head. She's still staring at the ceiling, seemingly in some sort of daze.
"I… no," she says, turning too.
Our noses are only a few inches away, and all I can think about is how bad I want to kiss her. Her lips are plush and pink, a little wet. They're perfect. She's perfect.
"I'm really not," she continues. "Are you?"
I shake my head and we both giggle. It's past 2am, we should be long past asleep, but if she's feeling anything like I am, she's wired. My whole body is buzzing with the after-effects of what we did, and I don't think I'll calm down anytime soon.
"Did you, um… did you have a good time?" I say.
I can't resist asking. I have to know. And we've been best friends for years, so I'd like to think I know when she's lying.
"Yeah," she says, all breathless.
When I look down, I see the sweat shining on her collarbones and I have the urge to lick it off. A thought like that has never crossed my mind with any other girl I've been with. But with her, I want to ravage her whole body. I want her to know she's mine.
"Really?"
"Yes," she says, turning on her side.
Her eyes flit all over my upper body. They roam over my bare chest, arms, face, and her tongue pokes out from between her lips. I smile, unable to keep it off my face, and clear my throat.
"Would it be okay if I kissed you?" I ask, testing the waters.
"Sure," she says.
The air has changed so much now that we aren't in the heat of the moment. When we were having sex, I only asked the necessary questions - Are you sure? Does it hurt? Does that feel good? But now, I feel like I have to ask permission before any move I make. Everything is more delicate.
I cradle her face and press my lips to hers in a gentle kiss. Her eyelashes flutter against my skin as she closes her eyes and whimpers into my mouth, leaning against me as she loses herself in what we're doing. She winds an arm around my side and I mirror the action, resting a hand in the dip of her waist beneath the sheet.
Her skin is warm and impossibly smooth. Like, I don't know how skin even gets to be that smooth.
When we pull away, her pupils are dilated and her her eyes are wide. My heart hammers inside my chest and I'm turned on again. I'm not sure if I ever turned off, actually.
"You taste amazing," I tell her, threading my fingers through her hair.
"You said that before," she whispers, a little bashfully.
I smirk, half of my lips pulling up in a sly smile. "I was talking about a different part of you then," I say, then kiss her again.
She's entrancing. Hypnotic. Unlike anyone I've been with, and that's saying something. As I'm kissing her, that lithe body pinned under mine, she's all I can think about. Everything about her - from the way she smells to the way her voice sounds and everything in between.
I nudge her jaw with my nose and close my lips around her throat, sucking on the sensitive skin while her fingers spread out over my shoulder blades. When my teeth dig in, so do her nails, and I'm rewarded with the most delicious moan I've ever heard.
I close my eyes and allow my hips to lower so I can rest between her spread legs. We're still completely naked, and her body heat emanates onto my skin and gets my blood pumping everywhere. Pretty soon, I'm hard again and it's not easy to ignore.
"I like it when you kiss me," she says, head tipped up while I'm still buried in her neck. "You're so good at it."
"So are you," I murmur, lips moving against her sweet-smelling skin.
She giggles. "You're better."
"No, seriously," I say, lifting my head to look at her. "I don't know how like, every guy at the hospital isn't obsessed with you."
"Jackson," she says, rolling her eyes and brushing me off. "Come on."
"I'm not kidding," I say, punctuating my statement with a firm kiss to her mouth. "I don't know how you're still a virgin."
"I'm not," she says, grinning.
"Right," I say, and kiss her again. I can't seem to stop. If I could kiss her for the rest of the night, I would. "But I mean, I don't know how you were one for so long."
"Well, I do," she says, and I roll off to give her some space to breathe. The last thing I want to do is crush her.
"Because of Jesus," I say, mentioning who had been running through my mind the entire time we were intimate. I didn't want to bring Him up, because that would've been a surefire way to cockblock myself, but He sure made His presence known inside my head.
"Not completely," she says, and her voice is quiet like she isn't sure of herself.
I look at her funny. "What do you mean?" I ask.
She shrugs a shoulder and turns to face me. She brings the sheet with her, but with the new position, her breasts push together to create a cleavage I can't tear my eyes away from.
"He was part of it," she says. "And I still have to figure out how I feel about that. But what I said to you outside the door a few hours ago wasn't a lie. I'm not a kid anymore, and I have learned that life doesn't always follow a perfect plan. I'm not the same person I once was."
I look at her and try to decode what she's saying, but I can't. So, with my eyebrows knitted together, I ask, "What do you mean?"
She sighs softly. "Do you remember when we were at Joe's with everyone, a few years ago?" she asks. "When you guys found out I was a virgin?"
So much has happened since then, but that night does stick out in my mind. She had brown hair; and since then, I've found out that she was masking the red to try and create a new identity. It hadn't worked, so she let her natural color come back. I've always preferred her this way. This fire-engine red is what makes her who she is.
"I think so," I say.
"I told you that night," she says. "Guys find me annoying. I never had a boyfriend when everyone thought it was cute in elementary school. And in middle school, my best friend was a boy, but when rumors started that we were dating, he dropped me. He couldn't think of a single thing nastier than being associated with me romantically. In high school, I had braces and acne. No one knew I existed, and if they did, it was only to tease me. In college, I always said that I was too busy studying to worry about a relationship. I used that excuse during med school, too. But now, it doesn't really hold up. I mean, my career is pretty demanding, but plenty of other doctors find the time for romance. I couldn't use that on you guys, so I used Jesus. I was a virgin for Jesus, which wasn't entirely untrue. That is a value I was raised to follow. And it was an easy fallback for having never been involved with someone. I didn't get into it that night because you guys already thought I was weird enough. I used it later. Rather than advertising the fact that no one wanted me, I made it simpler. No one could want me, because they couldn't have me."
She rolls onto her back and frowns. My guess is that's the first time she's ever said that aloud. I don't rush on responding, because I don't want to say the wrong thing.
"I want you," I say, finally.
She gasps softly, like that's something she never expected to hear. She licks her lower lip and searches my face, eyes unable to land anywhere.
"You…" she begins, stammering, not knowing how to finish her thought.
"Yeah," I say. "I don't know if that's weird to say, or if I'm coming on too strong, but I do. I do want you, and I really like you. I have for a long time."
"No, you haven't," she says, writing me off yet again.
"Yeah," I say. "I have. Ask Karev and them. They give me shit for it constantly and call you my little 'girl-crush.'" I shake my head. "They say I look at you with hearts in my eyes. They always make fun of me for acting like a teenage girl around you."
That really stuns her. She shakes her head, unable to believe it, and makes a choked sound in her throat. "Are you kidding?" she asks.
"Nope," I say. "I like you, April."
"You have to say that," she murmurs. "I just had sex with you."
"I'm not just saying it," I say, more adamant now. "I like a lot of things about you. I like how your voice gets high when you get stressed or overwhelmed; I think that's really cute. I like the freckles across your nose and the random ones all over your body. I like the little sounds you make when I kiss you, and I love how bossy you are. I love how you always tuck your hair behind your ears, and how you never dot your i's. I love how you twitch when you orgasm, and how you always rub my back when we hug. I love-"
"Okay," she says, a little embarrassed. "You're… I can't handle any more."
I chuckle softly and trace the shell of her ear, now showing because of how she tucked her hair.
"I just thought you were my best friend," she says. "That's it. Why didn't you tell me how you felt?"
"I didn't wanna look like a dumbass," I say. "What if you didn't feel the same? That would've ruined everything."
"Why wouldn't you think I'd feel the same?" she asks, lifting her eyes to look at me through her lashes.
"Because… I don't know," I say.
"Jackson," she scoffs. "You're you. And I'm… I'm me. Seriously, just think about it."
I shake my head. "No. Don't start. You're the only one who doesn't think like that, so don't pull that shit with me."
She twists her lips in a smile that she tries to fight. She knows I'm right.
"You lost your virginity in a threesome. And you think you're on the same playing field as me, who just lost it tonight? At 30?"
I roll my eyes. "The threesome."
"You were the one who bragged about it."
"On the same day you lied about sex on the beach," I shoot back.
Her face falls. That memory is skewed between us; I remember all of us laughing at her obvious lie and having a good time. But it seems she remembers it differently, and I feel stupid for not realizing sooner. It probably hurt her feelings to be called out like that. It was a shitty thing for us to do.
"Hey," I say. "I'm sorry."
"It was a stupid lie, I know," she says. "But you guys put me on the spot. It wasn't fair."
"No, it wasn't," I admit.
"No one forced me to lie, though," she says. "That was on me. So, it's not your fault." She tucks her arms close to her chest and keeps her eyes on me. "Tell me about the threesome. And how you were so amazing at sex on your first try."
I snort. "Yeah, that was bullshit," I say.
"The threesome?"
"No," I say. "That I was confident. I pretended to be, sure, and they believed me. But I was scared shitless. Two girls to impress instead of one? It was hell. I mean, for a first time it was pretty great. But I wouldn't go back and do it again. The whole time, I just felt their eyes burning into me. I didn't know who to pay attention to. I think I'd be a little better at it now; I'm older, more mature, but back then… no. It did make me a living legend, though."
"Would you do it again?" she asks. "A threesome."
I look her dead in the eyes and contemplate my answer. A handful of hours ago, I would've shot back a quick and hearty 'yes.' But now, staring at this woman who's hypnotized me, I'm not so sure about that.
So, I say, "No."
I'm glad that I do, because her eyes shine. And I think she knows the reasoning behind my answer - I've made that pretty clear with how I haven't taken my eyes off of her once.
"So… you really are glad we did it?" I ask, changing the subject back to what's on the forefront of my mind.
She reaches to rest a hand on the side of my neck. "I can't think of anyone else I'd rather give it to."
I smile and kiss her slow. I close my eyes and tilt my head to the side, opening my mouth against hers and slipping my tongue past her lips. She lifts her other hand and solidifies her grip on me, and I press my forehead against hers when I pull away.
She blinks right into my eyes with a smile in hers. I use one hand to slip beneath the sheet and graze over her breasts with nipples so hard they poke through the sheet, and she takes a deep inhale from her nose when I do. I grip the left one tight and squeeze, running my thumb over the bud until she's squirming. I trace the round underside and move lower, tracing the xylophone of her ribs until I make it to the soft part of her belly.
She bends her knees and keeps her eyes on my face, though they threaten to flutter shut when I slip my hand between her thighs. I press my forehead to her temple and kiss her cheekbone as I part her lips with two fingers and push inside, going swift and deep.
"Oh," she moans, hands scrambling for something to hold onto.
She eventually wraps her arms around my shoulders and neck, gripping me tightly as I continue to fuck her with my fingers - feeling her walls flutter and tighten around my digits as she gets closer to climax.
"That feels really good," she whimpers, thighs quaking.
I pump my fingers as deep as I can, and she starts to breathe heavier as I pull her near the edge. She clumsily tugs my face down to kiss me with passion, lips open and sloppy. She ends up getting a mouthful of my chin and cheeks instead of what she was aiming for, but I don't care. I like her urgency, her extreme need to have me close no matter what she's touching. I know that feeling well.
When I rub forceful circles on her clit, it doesn't take long before it starts. She lets out a sharp, staccato scream and clutches me tighter, thighs snapping together to trap my hand where it is. Her hips lift and knock against my palm, and her breath escapes her body in short, loud bursts that puff against my chest and spread out from there.
She opens her eyes and stares into mine hazily, a drunken smile painted on her lips. I pull my hand out and keep my gaze locked on hers, then slip those two fingers in my mouth while she stays concentrated on me.
Her eyes widen while she watches me, absolutely floored that I'd do such a thing. She bites her lower lip before her mouth comes open, then takes my wrist as I pull my fingers out. She gently lowers my hand and opens her mouth, seducing me with the look in her eyes while sticking out her tongue and welcoming those same fingers inside.
Her tongue curls around them and my dick throbs for attention. She has no idea what she's doing to me. She's so damn sexy. If I didn't know her so well, I'd never believe this was her first time. She closes her eyes and sucks hard on my fingers, teeth grazing over the pads just slightly.
They come out with a popping sound, glistening with her saliva. I bend and kiss her cheek, lingering there while she leans into me and wraps her arms around my shoulders.
"I want you," she whispers, pulling my body to hover over hers while mirroring my words from earlier. I know exactly what she means.
I smile and chuckle right into her ear. I watch the peach fuzz on her jaw rise as a reward, and she shudders from the apparent chill that ran through her.
"Good," I say, lips moving against her ear. "'Cause I want you, too."