The Lily White Shall in Love Delight
She made me want to be a better person. I remember first seeing her on the train when we were children. Even then, she had a different air about her. Sure, her bright beauty made her stand out: dark red hair, porcelain skin, emerald eyes. However, it was the light from inside, her inner beauty, that made me fall in love.
Of course, for most of our years at school, I was an utter prat, so looking back, I don't blame her for not being in awe. At the time, I couldn't understand. Other girls paid attention. The more I showed-off, the more they giggled and smiled at me. It helped that my best mate looked like one of those "movie stars" that some of the girls from Muggle families fawned over. We loved being in our exclusive gang and that – plus Quidditch – defined me for quite some time. I never thought too much about life after Hogwarts, other than I assumed I would be a famous Seeker and Lily would just have to fall in love with me. What girl could resist?
Ah, but she could. I was so blind and only focused on me that it took long enough to try and understand her and what she wanted. I spent years jealous and angry with Severus because I couldn't for the life of me understand why they were best friends. I knew they weren't romantically involved and happened to grow up near each other. Yet it still frustrated and confused me every day, every time I looked at him. I'm ashamed to admit that it fueled many a cruel prank. That's not to say it was one-sided. We went back and forth equally, but it was fueled by our feelings for her. I knew he loved her; honestly, I don't blame him. I started to think we were going too far when Sirius sent him off to the Shrieking Shack.
However, it was the incident by the lake in our fifth year that opened my eyes. When he lashed out at her, I saw the hurt in her eyes. Her words back to him had a cold fury, and I realized she had just lost someone dear to her. I felt so sorry for Lily and the more I thought about it, the more I felt guilty for my part in her pain. I hadn't forced Severus to call her Mudblood; that was his choice and undoing. But I didn't feel good or proud about what happened either, especially when I saw her in the common room later that evening. I went to say something, to apologize or to ask how she was doing, and Lily flashed me a look of loathing. I deserved it for being so wrapped up in myself that I couldn't see how my actions affected other people. I wanted to make it up to her.
Of course, one doesn't change overnight but I tried. I watched what I said and how I acted and began to focus on school. Also, once I thought less about impressing every female in a mile radius, I became aware of the dark changes in the world. You-Know-Who was rising and I got angry that someone like him could get wizards and witches to actually follow him. Stupid, ignorant fools. It made my Pureblood boil; didn't they know about all the Muggle-born and Half-Bloods who were geniuses at magic, who made positive accomplishments in the wizarding world? How could they think someone like Lily Evans was beneath them? It made no sense except to protect their narrow-minded view.
Lily and I started talking our sixth year. I stopped pestering her to go out with me and actually had conversations with her. She felt passionately that the wizarding world shouldn't back down from You-Know-Who. She was so smart; she knew a lot about Muggle history too and drew parallels between what happened when Muggle countries tried to appease a tyrant with similar prejudices. I was fascinated by her and loved seeing her speak with purpose and conviction. I decided that after I graduated, I would lay my life down to prevent You-Know-Who from destroying all that was good in the world. Not just for her, but for everyone.
On our first trip to Hogsmeade during our seventh year, I held her hand as we walked from shop to shop. I was so nervous to kiss her; I actually trembled during our first kiss that made our relationship "official." Lily laughed, "Who would have thought the Great James Potter would be nervous to kiss a girl?" I couldn't help but smile and told her she wasn't just any girl.
Severus and I were far from mates during our last years but after Lily and I started dating, it got worse. We continued to fight but I was tired of it; more importantly, I was afraid it would get back to Lily. I knew she was upset that he fell more into the Dark Arts. A part of me never stopped being jealous – sometimes I wondered what would've happened if he'd given up the Dark Arts for her – but over time, it became a small part. I trusted her and knew that when she gave me her heart, she gave it completely.
I proposed shortly after graduation. I asked for her father's blessing first, of course. Her mother shrieked with delight and I think she started making wedding plans right then and there in the living room. Petunia had a sour look on her face, but I wasn't surprised. I tried to be nice, but no matter how friendly I was, she looked at me like I was some disgusting freak. No matter; I figured I'd have to spend the rest of my life smiling at her horse-face.
The wedding happened that autumn. It was as festive as could be despite being on the cusp of war. Both of us spoke to Dumbledore about how we could get involved and that's when he told us about the Order of the Phoenix. I then recruited Remus, Sirius, and Peter. I couldn't wait for the day when the fighting and bloodshed would be over, so we could all be together again without a shadow cast over everything. Families were torn apart, friends were on opposite sides. I remember Lily hanging back once at a meeting of the Order to talk to Dumbledore. I let her be because I knew what she was going to ask. She wanted to know if the rumor was true, that Severus finally joined You-Know-Who. I didn't hear what he whispered to her, but the tears in Lily's eyes gave me the answer. I held her tight and told her how sorry I was. I meant it, too.
Lily began working behind the lines as soon as we found out she was pregnant. I can't tell you how happy that I'm going to be a father. I'm completely terrified as well. Lily looks more beautiful to me then ever before. She's getting so big. Sirius and Peter visited the other day (it was Moony's "time of the month" as we say). It was a brief but welcome respite from the grim reality outside the walls of our home in Godric's Hollow.
She thinks the baby will be a boy. I want a little ginger girl first, but I'd be thrilled either way. I was an only child, so I think children should have lots of brothers and sisters – like the Weasleys have planned – but Lily jokes that until I can Spell myself pregnant, I'm getting three at the most. The deal is if it's a girl, I can name her after my mother. If it's a boy, she can name him; right now, she seems to like the name "Harry."
I need to go soon and meet Dumbledore at the Hog's Head to discuss plans for an upcoming covert mission. (He's there now interviewing a Divination teacher; I personally think he should scrap the useless class.) Lily, Frank and Alice Longbottom, and I have led Order members to victory three times against the Death Eaters, but Lily and Alice, who is pregnant too, need to stay safely out of the way. While we're skilled, our odds of survival go down the more we're out there fighting.
I absolutely hate leaving Lily, even if only for a couple of hours. My Lily, her beauty bright. She is sleeping. I don't want to wake her, but I always give her a kiss before I walk out the door and tell her that I love her.
These days, you never know when you may not return.