Warnings for this story: angst, self harm, memory loss, suicide attempt.
A/N: This is a reverse of the usual trope of sasuke being the one to lose his memory. originally posted on archive.
Sasuke wakes up first. Naruto takes longer. And the two weeks that he waits around for Naruto to open his eyes are excruciating. Everyone looks at him with judgmental gazes that say every hurtful thing they don't dare utter aloud. He would take on a storm from everyone just to wait for Naruto to open his eyes.
He barely leaves the hospital. He's under village surveillance and he knows it. It doesn't matter. Between trips to the cafeteria, the restroom, and Naruto's bedside, Sasuke's criminal activity has hit an all time low.
He owes him now. He owes him because no matter what Sasuke does or however he tries to justify it, he can't continue living normally if Naruto never wakes up. The prospect of defeating him was so very real and within his reach. But deep down he was not prepared to kill him. He was only prepared to die alongside him. It was all or nothing. It weighs heavier every day that he sees Naruto lying there pale against the stark-white sheets.
They're crippled. They have missing limbs. But they're alive. Sasuke can't remember when Naruto slipped away. They were talking as they laid there against the bloodstained stones and then it was silent. And as many times as he yelled Naruto's name, he wouldn't answer. And because of their blood loss, neither of them could move.
"A coma," they said matter-of-factly. "When he wakes up someone that knows him should be there."
Kakashi told him about what it's like to be out in a coma. 'It's all dark. There's nothing. You wake up feeling like you've blinked even though you've been out for days. Your head hurts like hell and more than anything you're afraid.'
He's had too much time to think about what it's gonna be like when Naruto wakes. He hopes nothing has changed as much as he thinks it has. It would be easy to have Naruto wake up and to pat him in the back, and then go their separate ways, positive that they'll cross paths again one day because they always do.
But nothing is ever that simple.
Because while he sits and thinks about all of the things he may or may not want to say to Naruto, the thought hits him on a Sunday morning that he may never get to tell him at all. He might never wake up. And if that's the case, he's not alright.
He's angry as hell at himself and at Naruto. Because while he's worried and frantic and hurt, Naruto is not here. He's somewhere else. He's in that darkness that Kakashi spoke of where time isn't real.
It happens when his throat is closing up. It happens when he's on the border of letting out that choked and broken sob. It's when he's about to give up and finally say to himself that he wishes it was him lying there instead. It's when he's about to let the tears spill over and slide down his face.
"Sasuke…?"
His head snaps up fast enough to give him whiplash.
His voice is strained but he's awake and his eyes are open. And Sasuke can't help himself but he's laughing. He's so happy that Naruto's awake and he just can't contain himself enough and he's just laughing. He grabs Naruto's hand because it's right there in close range.
"You idiot." He barks out, still smiling, eyes wet.
Naruto is too quiet. Maybe it's because he was out for so long. His stare is blank and empty. He's confused. They said this would happen. It's okay; just make sure he knows what's happening.
"You've been unconscious…Do you want me to call a nurse?" Sasuke asks him carefully.
Naruto is searching Sasuke's face like he doesn't believe he's really there. Like he's a ghost.
"I don't… I don't understand? Is this a trick?" Naruto says slowly, looking around the room from side to side.
"No, no, Naruto there's no trick. You lost a lot of blood, and…"
"My arm." His eyes fill with tears as he moves to clutch the missing appendage with his hand. "It's… it's gone. And your… you..." he looks at Sasuke's sleeve where it lays empty at his forearm. The tears fall freely now and his breathing picks up. "How are you here?"
Sasuke doesn't know what to say because he doesn't understand. All he understands is the crushing weight he feels on his chest just from Naruto's broken and confused expression.
"Where is…" he starts but he can't finish because his head hurts. More tears fall and he just keeps crying and Sasuke doesn't know what to do.
He calls the nurse. Naruto's panic rises as more and more people filter in. He's thrashing violently as multiple medics attempt to restrain him. It's easy to hold him down. Sasuke doesn't want to watch, but he can hardly tear his eyes away.
A single name leaves Naruto's lips as he calls out for help.
"Jiraiya."
And Sasuke thinks that's the most painful part of all of this, hearing Naruto The name of his dead teacher leave his mouth as if he were still here. There's no way to tell just how lost Naruto is right now, but it can't be good.
It hurts to watch. But every second of it burned into his mind.
He's properly sedated now and the doctor is checking his vitals. Sasuke still hasn't left the room.
"What's wrong with his head?"
"It seems to be amnesia. Retrograde amnesia."
"Well…" Sasuke knew that. "What does he remember?" He asks hopelessly. This was the last thing he expected.
"You'll have to ask him yourself when he's properly awake." The doctors tells him.
"Can he get it back?"
The doctor tucks his pen in his shirt pocket. "He can always get it back. The problem with Mr. Uzumaki is that the memory loss is a result of trauma. Most likely physical and mental trauma. So in short, it's not a matter of if he can remember. It's a matter of if he wants to remember."
And Sasuke thinks that it's the biggest load of bullshit he's ever heard out of anyone's mouth. Because Naruto isn't beaten down by things like 'trauma.'
As far as Sasuke's concerned it's just a fancy word for not dealing with the bad shit. If Naruto wants to block it out, fine. But he sure as hell can't keep it up forever.
He narrows his eyes at the doctor like if he does it with enough conviction it'll somehow change the situation.
He tries to look at it as another challenge against Naruto that he's accepting.
He's awake and he's calm. And Sasuke can finally speak to him logically.
Naruto looks at Sasuke so hopeful and to be quite honest it makes him a little uncomfortable. He's being released today and Sasuke isn't letting him go anywhere until he knows what he remembers.
"What's the last thing you remember?" Sasuke asks him sternly, eager to get to the bottom of this.
Naruto looks at him like he's afraid to give the wrong answer. He's at a loss. There's no way around it. He's not an idiot, and unless this is some psychotic master plan ultimate genjustu, he's lost some really important info. He feels older than he thinks he is. He feels tired and sad. He feels like his body isn't his own. And this Sasuke in front of him isn't hostile or running away from him. He's there for him, and he doesn't know what to make of it yet.
"I remember… coming home. I remember the mountains and the desert and the road to Suna… I remember breaking into Orochimaru's hideout… and you. Running away." He squints his eyes and bites his lip, dreading the response.
Sasuke can't speak. Almost two years. He doesn't remember the past two years. There's too much to say about everything that's happened, but even Sasuke knows that it's too much all at once. So he starts simple.
He tells him today's date.
Sakura joins them over noodles. Naruto looks at his food but doesn't eat it. He doesn't have an appetite. Not in this situation. He probably won't eat until he absolutely has to.
Sakura tells Naruto all the big things. His face goes through so many changes as she tells him what's happened over the past two years. She tears up a few times. Tales of the final battle they recently endured make his mouth turn up at the corners in a small smile.
She's avoiding a particular subject. And Naruto may have lost his memories, but he hasn't lost his intuition.
"Where is Jiraiya-sensei?" Naruto asks quietly. "He didn't come see me. And you haven't mentioned him… at all really…"
No one answers him. Sakura looks down. Sasuke looks out to the people walking past the curtain through the street walkway.
"He's passed, hasn't he?"
"So you remember, then?" Sakura asks suddenly, enthused that he might remember something.
"No." Naruto says shakily. "No I don't. I don't – I don't remember I…" he takes a deep breath. "I wanna go home now. Please just take me home."
He doesn't remember. He was fishing for an answer that he was hoping wasn't the truth. Because he can't think of any other reason why Jiraiya wouldn't have been included in any of Sakura's re-telling. He wants it to hold it together until he's behind a closed door.
They take him home to an apartment he thankfully recognizes. Sakura goes home. And just when Sasuke is about to go, he realized that there isn't anywhere for him to go. So he stays.
Naruto looks like he's holding his breath until Sakura closes the door behind him.
"Why are you here now? After everything? Why bother?" Naruto speaks out. It sounds cold. The words don't feel like his own, foreign and bitter.
Sasuke thinks very hard. Whatever his choice of words are, they're going to matter.
"The things that matter to me. They've changed." He starts. He's not going for a big speech; he just has to have Naruto understand. "I couldn't shake you off. You refused to leave my side. You supported me even in all my transgression. You stood by me."
Naruto looks at him, waiting. Stunned.
"Now I'm standing by you." He finishes. He tries to put it simply for him, because he's terribly emotional right now. But even an attempt as gentle as he intended seems to backfire.
"Why!?" Naruto yells, already starting to cry. "Why now?! Because my brain is fucking broken?"
"No." Sasuke says, calm as ever. "No, you idiot. It's because it isn't broken."
It's not. Naruto can remember. He can. And Sasuke will push him to it. Anyway he has to.
"It'll come back." Sasuke states solidly. "I promise."
"You can't promise something like that!" He sobs.
"I can. And I am."
They leave it at that. Naruto doesn't argue. But he cries. He cries for two days straight. He stops sometimes to wipe his eyes, and have tea. He pauses to read old newspapers to catch up. He hesitantly asks Sasuke to run small errands for him, because he's afraid to leave his house.
He's so quiet and all he does is think. Think about everything he's been through that he can't remember. All of the deaths of friends and teachers than he'll never get to see again; that he can't remember the last thing he said to them. The fact that he never got to say goodbye. It's killing him. This much grief at once is weighing on him so heavily.
He has phantom pains at night. He wakes up in a cold sweat in agony. Sasuke sleeps on Naruto's sofa and he's a light sleeper so when he hears the screams he's up in a flash of movement. He's at Naruto's side calming him down, petting his hair like Itachi used to do for him and sushing him back to sleep.
He knows they can't keep this up forever.
When Sakura and Tsunade show up to the apartment with the prosthetics, Sasuke is so relieved. They take their time explaining and briefing them on synchronization and how to manage it while keeping it fully functioning as a real limb.
Tsunade has pity in her eyes when she looks at Naruto's unenthused expression. Sasuke hates it. He doesn't want people looking at Naruto that way.
Naruto expects to feel more whole when he has two arms. He still feels empty. He still feels lost.
It's been a week since he's been out of the hospital. Sasuke tells him to take a shower or else.
He doesn't move because he doesn't want to.
"Naruto, you're not a fucking child! Take a shower!"
"I don't want to." He says monotonously.
He's lying on the kitchen floor in the same t-shirt and shorts he's been in for 3 days. He feels like he doesn't know how to do anything on his own anymore.
"Naruto, I'm serious! It's unsanitary, take a shower."
Naruto feels himself tearing up again. He doesn't want to get up. He doesn't want to get up and go to the bathroom and take his clothes off; to look and the mirror and see someone that he hardly recognizes as himself.
Sasuke strides over to and tucks his hands under Naruto's arms to literally hoist him up off the tiles and drag him to the shower.
"Let go of me, you ass!" Naruto pushes him off and kicks and thrashed.
Sasuke doesn't let up "this isn't funny, Naruto!"
"Who's fucking laughing?" He sobs, full on crying again. "I don't want to- I don't…" and he can't really form a sentence that well.
Sasuke rolls his eyes with a heavy sigh. He gathers Naruto up in his Lap and tells him to calm down, that he's here and its okay.
When his sobs subside into shaky breaths, Sasuke tries again.
"I know you don't want to. But do it for me."
Naruto doesn't move but he lets Sasuke guide him into the restroom. He leaves him to his business.
Naruto practically tears his clothes off, wanting to get it over with. He can't help but pause and stare at himself in the mirror. He didn't want to but it's not like he could avoid it. His fears are confirmed. He looks tired, eyes slightly sunken in. He's thinner, taller and looks a little sick. He has scars that he doesn't remember the cause of. He runs his fingertips across the raised skin, wondering how the markings came to be. He wonders if he asked Sasuke about each one of them if he would be able to tell him their story.
And then when he doubts the possibility of such a thing, he turns away from the mirror with the thought that he's lost two years of himself and that he'll never get it back again; no matter how much Sasuke tries to nurse him back into remembering it.
Sasuke makes the bed and does the small amount of dishes in the sink. He's almost grossed out with how domestic this all is. He tries to shake the thought by sweeping but it doesn't really help.
And then he thinks that Naruto's has been in the bathroom a long time.
He knocks but all he hears is little hiccups. So he opens the door and invades his privacy like he never thought he would have to.
Naruto is in the shower stall crouched in a fetal position, hugging his knees. His skin is tinged bright red. When Sasuke puts his hand under the spray it's incredibly hot.
"Naruto." He sighs. And that's all he can really say.
He turns off the scalding spray of the shower head and grabs the fluffy towel off the nearby rack. He drapes it around Naruto's shoulders with a gentleness he didn't know he possessed and works it around to softly dry him off.
"Come on. It's time to sleep."
Naruto doesn't move. Just quietly sobs onto his knees, refusing to look at Sasuke.
He gathers his strength to lift Naruto up into his arms. He tucks him in under the covers like that; naked, crying and scared.
He pets his hair slowly and softly until he's sure that he's somehow lulled him into sleep.
'Tomorrow will be better' Sasuke promises himself as exhaustion takes over his senses.
Tomorrow isn't better. But it isn't worse. And that's some kind of progress by some kind of standard.
The day starts strange. Naruto gets up and puts underwear and a t-shirt on. Sasuke is barely awake watching from the sofa as he trifles through the closet. He starts to pull things out one by one onto the floor. He speeds up and suddenly it's like he's on a mission to empty it.
The closet is empty and his clothes are all over the floor. He pops down into the mess he made and Sasuke thinks it's time to interject.
"Wanna tell me what the hell you're doing?" He deadpans.
Naruto picks up some orange pants just to drop them back down into the pile. "They're all uncomfortable. I'm throwing them out."
"Really?" Sasuke questions mockingly, not taking him seriously at all. "And what will you wear?"
"Can I borrow something?" He asks hopefully. "For now? I promise I'll give it back."
And Sasuke isn't sure if Naruto lost his memory or his ability to act like a sensible adult. Then he figures it's probably both.
It's been two weeks and he still hasn't left the house. He doesn't know how he's doing it. Most people would have gone mad by now. But he's so afraid to face everyone. He's so afraid to talk to them. There's no desire in him to get back his life because it's like he wasn't there for it. Everyone else was.
Sasuke and he are sitting at the table. He's wearing Sasuke's clothes still. They're a little big because Sasuke has broader shoulders, but he doesn't mind. It's convenient when you're having an identity crisis.
"Sasuke."
"Hm?" He acknowledges while sipping his tea.
"I wanna go outside."
Sasuke raises his eyebrows like a shocked parent. "Do you?"
"Yeah I… I wanna. But I don't want to go into town I just… walk outside the gates for some… fresh air."
Sasuke can hear the apparent hesitance in his shaking tone. He can't decide if this is wise or not, to encourage him to leave the comfort zone. It might backfire.
"Naruto are you sure?" He asks for reassurance, "you don't have to."
"I want to, Sasuke." He says it as if Sasuke wasn't going to allow it. "Please." He says in a voice that does something to Sasuke. He would do anything for this boy. And it's crazy how he couldn't have cared less some time ago.
They're outside the gates. And Naruto is antsy. He wants to run. Sasuke doesn't trust it.
"See this is better." Naruto says with a worrisome amount of enthusiasm. "I can't think straight in that apartment."
"It's your apartment, you know." Sasuke points out.
Naruto turns to him, stopping their walk completely. His face turns serious.
"I – I know…" he starts hesitantly, "it just doesn't really feel like it anymore, I guess."
The wind is blowing and Sasuke notices that Naruto's hair is getting longer. He can't help but reach over to tuck a particularly long strand behind his ear.
"Maybe you should move." Sasuke suggest lightly. It might actually be a good idea. Because being around familiar things is clearly not helping.
Naruto bites his lip. He looks so small to Sasuke in this moment.
"We should." He finally says. "You'll come with me, won't you?" His voice cracks on the final syllable.
His eyes are wet again and maybe it's because he's afraid that Sasuke will leave him.
But he's not going to. He made a promise. He pulls Naruto to his chest and rests his chin on Naruto's shoulder.
"Yeah." He says softly into his ear.
They don't tell anyone. There's no one they can think of that would need to know besides Sakura and Kakashi. Sakura asks eagerly if she can visit. Kakashi says in an ominous voice, 'I hope you know what you're doing Sasuke.'
He thinks he does. He's pretty confident.
They choose a place five miles from Konoha. An older gentleman owns it that used to live in the village. He knows Naruto, but Naruto doesn't know him. He assigns cheap rent for them regardless.
It's small and quiet. There's a space for a garden in the front but the weather is far too cold for anything to grow at the time. There's no space heater. They'll have to bundle up to keep warm.
The engawa is very wide in comparison to what Sasuke remembers from his childhood home. There's a lot of space to sit out front if they wanted to. The shoji needs repairing, judging by its rickety push when Sasuke tries to enter. He's not very handy, but how hard can it be?
Naruto drops his bag on the wood planks bordering the house. He's keeping his old apartment because he won't know what he wants if his memory comes back one day. But he knows for now he wants a clear head so he didn't bring much of his belongings. He doesn't need much.
He touches his fingertips to the paper of the shoji and Sasuke eyes him curiously.
"What is it?" He asks him.
"It's nice. I like it here."
Sasuke smiles for the first time in weeks.
He buys Naruto some clothes. He figures he should. Naruto doesn't seem comfortable borrowing them anymore. They don't fit right. His shoulders are broader and his torso is shorter than Sasuke's.
When he pulls out two Yukatas and one Haori, Naruto doesn't say anything for practically a whole minute. He just touches them as they lie they're on the wooden floors of their empty home.
"I… you said you were uncomfortable so I… thought these would be better. For now." Sasuke mumbles out.
"Thank you." He whispers so quietly that Sasuke isn't sure he heard it. But that's fine. That's okay.
He just wants him comfortable and happy and worry-free so they can focus on what's really important.
Remembering.
Naruto is, for lack of a better word, clingy. The only time he cries is at night but during the day he is extremely dependent on Sasuke's emotional support. There's plenty of times in their day where it looks like he could lose it, but doesn't because of a simple embrace or kind words of comfort.
Sasuke doesn't feel like himself anymore. But he doesn't want to go back to the way he was. He's too comfortable with the concept of being everything Naruto needs him to be.
Today Naruto is particularly quieter than any other day. They've been out of the village for almost two weeks.
He finds Naruto sitting out cross legged on the worn boards of the engawa. He comes up behind him to place his hands on his shoulders, gently palming the fabric of his haori.
"What's the matter?" Sasuke asks him. Naruto doesn't move or make a sound. "Naruto?" He tries again.
"I was remembering something." He says solemnly. Like it's a punishment to have to remember.
"What is it?" Sasuke encourages.
"When Jiraiya-sensei passed… How much pain I was in. He always said that the true measure of a shinobi is not how he lives, but how he dies."
"I see." Is all he could think to say.
"But I don't think so… I think that's a load of garbage. He went into the crossfire alone, and if he had company he might still be here. There's nothing to be said about it that reflects who he was as a shinobi."
Naruto gets like this out here in the country. Reflective, and thoughtful, a little neurotic. Sasuke tries to listen with an open mind, waiting for Naruto to reach a peaceful resolve through his own words. He thinks this is a good thing. He hopes it is.
"It was unfair… it didn't need to happen that way."
Sasuke never knew the man personally, but it's clear that he was like a father to Naruto.
"It broke my fucking heart." He chokes out, sounding dangerously close to tears. "And all - all I could think about was how everyone significant to me has left me behind. Whether it be in death or otherwise."
Sasuke waits, grip on Naruto's shoulders retreating. He scoots in next to him. He sees now that there are indeed tears falling down from the corners of his blue eyes to the apples of his cheeks.
"I don't think I've ever needed you more than I did in that moment." He wipes at his eyes with the back of his sleeve.
And that's what he was getting at. The fact that Sasuke wasn't there when he needed him. The guilt is there, and it's heavy. Seeing his tears and knowing what that pain is like is the worst part of it all.
For the first time in a while his first instinct is not to offer a comforting embrace. His mouth moves but no sound comes out. For a moment he just listens to the sound of Naruto's quiet sobs.
"I… I'm sorry Naruto." He says softly. He wants to say more but Naruto starts in.
"No it's not your fault I – I don't want you to be sorry. You had your own burdens to carry." He blubbers. It's clear he's now holding back what he truly wants to say.
"You don't have to excuse my actions any longer." Sasuke explains. "I'm taking responsibility for it."
"I was… never upset with you. I never expected an apology." He rushes out, still trying to collect his thoughts.
And there's really nothing left for Sasuke to say. He's taken by surprise as Naruto takes his hand and intertwines their fingers together. He wipes his remaining tears away with his free hand, a hint of a smile on his face.
"You're here now." Is the last thing Naruto says to him. They don't speak the rest of the day.
Losing his memory leaves him with extreme mood swings. It seemed like things were going well for a little while. He can't tell sometimes whether he's actually remembering something or his mind is just tricking him into thinking he is. He can't tell what's real and what's not sometimes.
He still cries.
It's when he doesn't cry that Sasuke gets increasingly worried as time passes. He hasn't cried for four days.
They go to sleep that night on their two futons that they've pushed together on the floor. Naruto is asleep quickly. Far more quickly than the norm. Sasuke notices that his breathing pattern is unusual. He's faking. He's not actually asleep. Sasuke pretends to do the same, just to see what he's trying to do.
He keeps his eyes closed for a long time. He's waiting for something to happen. He flutters them slightly every once in a while, not enough for Naruto to notice. He just needs to see what he's up too. More minutes pass and Naruto sits up, slumped over. He carefully peels the covers from his body and gets up to pad across the hardwood floors as quiet as ever. He triffles around for a moment and Sasuke can hear soft shuffling but still waits.
Naruto crosses the room once more, he passes Sasuke and proceeds to the the main room and Sasuke hears the definite slide of the shoji. He's going somewhere. Maybe for a walk? There's not much out there unless you want to go five miles out.
He follows making sure to keep his distance.
Naruto walks slow through the woods. He's clearly set out to accomplish something but he's not rushing. He looks solemn.
Suddenly Naruto stops in the middle of a clearing. It's small, there's not a lot of space. It's covered in Flowers. Sasuke isn't sure what kind but there white and purple with stark black ones spread amongst them. He would be well hidden if it weren't for Sasuke on his tail. He's just far enough where Naruto won't detect him.
Sasuke never bothered to put any sandals on, feeling that there wasn't enough time. He feels nervousness from watching Naruto and tries to focus on the gravel under his feet as he watches him.
Sasuke feels like time has slowed down.
He looks beautiful. Like he could exist there forever trapped in time. He can see his profile view. His face is emotionless and unchanging.
He pulls something from his Haori sleeve. It's glints in the moonlight momentarily. Sasuke was so distracted by his empty expression that he hadn't taken a moment to see what he held in his hands.
When he looks down to see he has no initial reaction. Only to stare in shock for a small moment.
Naruto holds a small blade. He presses it firmly to his wrist and drags it up across the tanned flesh of his arm.
It's not until Sasuke sees blood that he moves to stop him. He runs like he's on fire and snatches the blade from Naruto's hands, leaving a crooked veer in the cut where the blade had already begun to dig into his skin.
Sasuke holds his wrists firmly in both of his hands. He clenches his teeth in frustration as he watches the blood smear over his hand. He can't help but feel the prickle of tears begin to well in his eyes. And he doesn't know if he can do this anymore.
Naruto looks up.
"I'm sorry." He says softly. And his face scrunches up.
Sasuke pulls off his shirt and rips it and tears it and wraps it around Naruto's wrist until he's sure it's tight enough to hold off the bleeding. He feels himself teetering on the edge of breaking down as Naruto says over and over again that he's sorry.
They look at each other. Naruto sees the unshed tears in Sasuke's eyes.
"I'm sorry." He says again, this time it's a wrecked sob that escapes him. "I'm so sorry."
He buries his head into Sasuke's chest and grips at his arms, nails digging into his skin.
"I'm sorry." He cries again.
"Shut up." Sasuke grits out, tears finally slipping free. "Stop saying you're sorry." He pulls Naruto to him impossibly tighter.
"Just stop crying, Naruto." He says, but it's shaky, he's not in control. He's breaking down. "Please," he sobs, "please stop crying."
They're crumbling down into the flowers, blood and tears between them. They always end up here it seems. Covered in blood.
Sasuke shushes him best he can. His breath hitches with every movement they make. He's afraid. He holds him until they can see the sun come up.
Sasuke doesn't know how to fix him. Because even though a lot of memories have returned, there's still a lot to go and it doesn't explain why Naruto would try to hurt himself.
He's like a completely new person sometimes. Like Sasuke never even knew him.
He still has the traits that Sasuke is used to… but something is different about the way he handles things. The way he speaks.
But what worrying him the most is how long Naruto stares at his bandaged wrist. It seems as though he's somehow entranced by it all morning. Sasuke is troubled by the whole thing. They didn't sleep but they should eat. He makes them rice because it's all he can really make right now without screwing it up.
He's distraught while he makes it. He's familiar with the feeling of wanting to die. He knows all about punishing himself. But Naruto… good, pure, kind, selfless Naruto doesn't need to punish himself. Not for anything.
There are grains of rice on the floor between them as they eat. Naruto's responsible for it. Sasuke will have to clean later today. Naruto puts his bowl down, lays the chopsticks next it. His palms lay in his lap face up. He's staring at it. Thinking about it.
"Why are you punishing yourself?" Sasuke blurts out without thinking.
Naruto's head snaps up immediately and his eyes are wide. But he can't say anything.
Sasuke figures he should keep going while he's ahead because he's not doing this to watch Naruto slowly wither away. He's not waiting for him to kill himself. It's not happening, not on his watch.
"Why are you hurting yourself when it's my fucking fault that you're like this? Be angry with me! Punish me."
"I…" he can't start speaking properly.
"I don't want to yell at you I just don't understand-"
He's not getting anywhere judging by Naruto's face.
"No- no don't cry." He pleads. It's not what he wanted.
"No, you're right… I don't know why I'm doing it. I… just couldn't feel anything. I couldn't feel any connection… to anything."
Naruto sniffs. "It feels like… like I died. Like I'm not supposed to be here because the rest of me is gone."
"Naruto." He sympathizes.
"It feels like I've died." He repeats. "I was trying to make sense of the why the hell I'm still here. And I couldn't find a reason."
Naruto shrugs in defeat. There's a pause.
Sasuke can't continue going about these things the same way he has been.
"Let me give you one."
Naruto smirks, a bitter sadness falling over his face. "And what is it?"
"If you don't exist anymore, then I don't have a reason to either."
"Sasuke…" he says bewildered.
"If you die, I've also lost my purpose. So live for my sake." He means it.
Naruto gives a soft laugh. He takes Sasuke's hand softly.
"Can I get it in writing?"
Naruto never remembers the rest. He has bits and pieces but never the whole story.
Somehow he's found a way to be okay with it. Sasuke always fills in the blanks. He writes it all down for him. He and Sakura write it all in journals like a big storybook for him to read.
Only he's the main character. And there are multiple volumes. And it's non-fiction. He constantly has to remind himself of these things while he's reading.
Sasuke and him move back to the village. But they also keep the rental in the woods.
They go when life gets to be a little too much. They go when Naruto feels like giving up.
They sit and talk. They eat. They sleep. They make a place for themselves where tragedy can't touch them like it used to.
Eventually Naruto stops living for just Sasuke and starts living for the both of them.