AN: So I was sitting there one day daydreaming and the thought came to me: Hey! Imagine the Firefly crew at Aperture. The following is the result of that silliness in my brain.
Captured, prisoners in some mysterious, random place in who-knew-where, equipped with mysterious, never seen before devices together and being told they had to test by a mechanical, female voice. Only one of the two in the room looked completely comfortable with the idea, but she was insane. The other was much less comfortable, looking around the room and trying to figure out just what was going on.
"Okay River... We need to think about this carefully," Simon said as he looked up and around the room. "It looks like if we make one wrong move, we could die, so we have to be careful. In fact, it might be best if we wait right here. The captain will come and save us."
He looked over to his dear sister with her wavy brown hair and deep eyes. She looked completely comfortable in her orange Aperture Science jumpsuit and the portal gun on her right arm. She took a few steps forward as she looked around with perfect grace, as if she'd been born in the long-fall boots strapped to her feet. Simon took a step forward and almost fell face-first on the floor.
"River, don't go anywhere. We have to stay here."
River scanned the white and steel panels adorning the walls, took in the aerial faith plate across the room, and in particular, one panel slanted upward before the acid pit. She fired a red portal onto that white panel and Simon's eyes widened.
"River, stop. What are you doing?"
River disregarded her brother completely and ran to a ledge and jumped off of it. Simon yelled and stumbled his way over her to grab her, save her. But he was too late. He could only watch as his insane sister headed to the floor in almost certain death. Right before she hit the floor, she fired an orange portal at it and disappeared through it. Simon whipped his head around to see his sister flying out of the other portal and onto an aerial faith plate on the opposite wall. She bounced from that one to another on the wall behind Simon, launching her off of that, over the acid pit, and landed on a high ledge at the other side of the acid pit, looking at Simon expectantly.
Simon stared in shock as his mind went through several choice chinese curse words. His sister could have DIED! She was CRAZY! But... she didn't die. That was close, so close. Why didn't she just wait for the captain like he told her to?
"Come on!" River said frustratedly.
"What...?" Simon muttered, a bit baffled.
"Jump through the portal," she said, rolling her eyes and sounding as if she were talking to a baby.
"What portal?"
"The one over the ledge. To get over here."
"I... I'm not doing that. We should just wait for the captain."
"Simon," she said exasperatedly.
"No, this is dangerous... and insane."
"We have to move forward or rot and die."
Then she turned and walked off, determined to continue with or without Simon. Simon's eyes widened.
"Wait!"
River stopped and looked back at him, waiting for him to continue. Simon looked over the ledge and down at the small, small portal far below him.
"What if I miss?" he asked. "I'll be killed... in a very unpleasant way."
"The boots will make sure you don't die from long drops. They catch you," she said, squatting down and making a landing motion to try and explain.
"How could you possibly know that?"
"Felt the spring of the heels as I moved between surfaces and noticed the lack of impact as I hit the ground. The design of the heel also suggests that they increase jumping potential by forty percent. If you don't believe me, then it should be simple."
Simon looked at her.
"Don't miss," she said.
She continued walking and Simon stuttered, trying to think of something to say, but coming up with nothing. He gave a look of dread down at the small portal and swallowed deeply.
"Here goes nothing..."
He closed his eyes and jumped, starting to scream. He screamed as he fell through the portal and suddenly his sense of gravity was completely skewed and he opened his eyes, watching the aerial faith plate rush towards him. He was flying forwards and up. What the hell? How was this even possible? He just barely managed to lift one foot in front of him to touch the aerial faith plate and then he was being flung in the opposite direction.
Oh god, he felt sick! He screamed louder as his head felt dizzy and he landed against the other aerial faith plate and got flung back the other way, his sense of gravity yet again and throwing him, throwing him. He closed his eyes as he saw the high ledge coming towards him. At this speed, he was surely going to get thrown across the floor and hit his face and break something. He closed his eyes and kept his feet under him, a string of chinese curse words slipping from his mouth at the highest volume he could manage and suddenly his feet made contact with the floor and his eyes flew open again.
His torso kept wanting to move forward and he skidded, trying to lean back so he wouldn't fall flat on his face and suddenly, he felt pressure from the springs of the boots under him and they jerked him backwards and upright. He gasped, eyes wide and shook, trying to calm down and regain his sense of balance, trying to make sense of what just happened. He squatted with his legs apart and gripped his knees, gasping for air.
Hysterical laughter brought him out of his near panic attack and his eyes looked up to see River bent over, clutching her stomach and laughing so hard at him there were tears streaming down her eyes. Simon glared.
"Not funny," he snapped.
River laughed louder, "You screamed like a girl. Ahhhhh!" she said, flailing her arms and trying to mimic him.
"Oh God, I think I'm going to..."
He bent over further and hurled, dropping his portal gun as that morning's breakfast forcefully evicted itself from his stomach as a result of the ordeal.
"That was... quite a display," said a sarcastic, robotic female voice through the room's speakers. "Now when you're through spilling human body fluids all over the floor, thanks for that by the way, I really have nothing better to do with my time than clean up smelly, partly digested stomach contents, please continue on with the test. Not that I'm rushing you. Really, take your time puking mess all over the floor and making yourself look silly. Why don't you wet your pants with urine while you're at it? You know, that other thing humans do when they're busy being pathetic and useless."
"Oh HA HA!" Simon shouted as he held a hand to his stomach. "I'm sure you're getting a real kick out of this, whoever you are."
"Oh yes," the voice replied, "I just love watching test subjects just standing there as they create messes all over for me to clean up. It's my life."
"Come on, let's go," River said, turning to look at the rest of the room.
Simon coughed, steadying himself and making sure he wasn't going to throw up again. Then he reached back into his portal gun and secured it on his arm as he followed his sister again. He looked around the room as well, seeing lasers, another acid pit, and other things that he really didn't want to deal with. River was already moving, moving over to a clear, glass-like cube and picking it up with her portal gun. How did she do that? He didn't even know the guns could do that. And now she was heading towards the laser.
"Watch out for-"
She put the cube through the laser and put it down. The laser cut off, the cube filled with light, and went back out the cube at an angle, hitting the wall next to them onto a white panel. She shot the panel with an orange portal and shot the other portal into the ceiling, making the laser hit... a thing jutting out from the floor that looked like it was meant to catch the laser and then he heard a mechanical sound from across the room as something shifted.
"What did-"
River pointed to a panel on the ceiling that moved and jumped into a gap in the wall opposite of the one the laser was pointed at. The gap seemed to have a white paneled ceiling and floor. River gestured for Simon to come over and he did, confused as to what she wanted.
"Put a portal there," she pointed directly above her, "And there," she pointed directly below her, "When I'm falling, go over and portal the panel that moved, but use the portal you used on the ceiling, not the floor."
"Uh..."
"Do it!"
Hesitantly, Simon placed a blue portal above her and a purple portal below her. River fell... and then reappeared from the short ceiling above her and fell again... and again...
"River, are you okay?" he asked.
"Pooooortal!" she yelled as she fell.
"O-okay..." Simon said as he walked closer to the wall panel that the laser caused to move and tilt. He hesitated. What if he did the wrong one? What if he missed or messed up and killed her? "What portal am I supposed to use again?" he asked.
"BLUUUUE!" she cried out.
Simon took a deep breath and aimed a blue portal at the wall panel... He shot it and missed. Instead, he hit the far wall, right above the laser and she flew out from it, lifting her heels and barely missing the laser. Simon gasped. She flew across the room and over Simon's head, hitting the wall next to the gap and falling. From that height, she'd surely die! Simon screamed. He'd just KILLED his sister! How could he be so stupid? He ran, trying to catch her, but he wasn't fast enough and she hit the floor... but didn't die. She landed feet first, perfectly straight.
Simon let out a cry of relief and ran to her, dropping his portal gun and hugging her tightly to him. He let out a sob. He thought she was dead for sure. Thank goodness she was alive... River hit his stomach and stepped back, glaring at him.
"You missed!"
"I'm sorry."
"Now you have to do it again."
"No way. No, I'm not risking that again. You could have gotten killed. We're ending this madness right now. We're staying right here and not moving. You hear me River?"
"We stay still, we die," she said simply.
She picked up his portal gun and forced it back onto his arm. Simon gripped it wordlessly as she dragged him over to the gap in the wall.
"Shoot!" she told him.
He did so, shooting the portals, blue and purple in the ceiling and floor. She dragged him over to the tilted wall panel and positioned his arm and gun to perfectly aim it at the wall panel.
"Stay like this and fire blue when I say," she commanded.
He nodded.
She walked over to the gap and dropped down into it, freefalling for several seconds before shouting. "NOOOOOOW!"
He shot blue and this time, hit the wall panel. She flew out of the panel and across another acid pit, over to the other side. Simon stared at her wide-eyed.
Slow claps sounded through the speakers.
"Good job. I thought he'd never get that right. The silly one's aim is worse than a monkey," the robotic voice said.
Simon stared, watching River as she picked up a gray cube and put it on a button, causing a ramp to lift from the floor on his side of the pit, tilting upwards at an angle. Then she went to another cube and put that on another button.
"How does that make you feel, Screamey-face? To know your aim is worse than a monkey? Did that hurt your feelings? I know how humans like you can be upset over simply stated facts," asked the voice.
Simon ignored the voice and turned to watch orange gel drop out of a projector from the ceiling and onto the floor. River shouted at him to portal under the projector and pointed at another panel she wanted him to shoot at. He tried to shoot the panel she was talking about, but missed in such a way that the gel shot out directly at Simon and hit him in the chest. Simon fell over and tried to get up, then tried to walk, only to find himself shooting across the floor over where the gel at top speed and it took all of his strength to just stop... sliding. When he did, he slipped and fell face-first onto the floor, covering his face in orange, goopy gel.
"That really was a simply stated fact by the way. I actually compared your aiming skills to that of monkeys. Monkeys far surpass your skills. In fact, to say a monkey aims better than you is an understatement. To state that they are in any way close enough to even be compared is an insult to the entire monkey population," the voice told him in a smug, almost child-like tone.
He aimed again. And again. And again. River got increasingly frustrated with Simon as he kept missing. Simon couldn't help it. He wasn't the best aimer and with the nerves of this whole situation and his general balance skewed because of the boots, his aiming was even worse than usual. Plus it didn't help that his hands were shaking.
Finally, he shot a portal that coated a strip across the floor on his side of the floor and all across the ramp. River told him to start at the back and run up the ramp to get to her side. He hesitated for a long time before doing as she told him to. No, it didn't seem safe, but over the years, he'd learned trust what his sister told him in situations like these. When he reached the far end, he braced himself and raced across the orange, up the ramp, and flew across the gap with a scream and over to the other side with River.
"On a side note, it is a scientifically proven fact that your scream is more annoying than the howl of a monkey. Just thought you'd like to know."
"I don't," Simon shouted at the voice.
"Well, with an attitude like that towards learning, it's no wonder that your sister is far better at testing than you. As well as smaller around the waist."
Simon and River continued through the test with River gliding through it gracefully and Simon stumbling and struggling through. Finally, they stepped through sliding doors and made their way to the end of the test, over to a tube-like elevator.
An electronic yawn sounded through the speakers. "I'm sorry. What was that? You finished the test? Really? Congratulations to the one of you doing all the work despite the other's best efforts to hinder your progress."
Simon and River got into the elevator and the doors closed in front of them before they were moved up. Simon could only wonder where the hell the captain was.
"Jayne, did you spike my drink with something you found in the good doctor's cabinet? Maybe some kind of mild hallucinogenic?"
"No Mal, but I wouldn't be surprised if that doctor and his cooky sister had somethin to do with this."
"What makes you say that?"
"Aren't they always to blame when weird lā shǐ like this happens?"
Mal looked around the room. It had a mixture of white and steel wall panels around. What the hell they were supposed to do about it, they didn't know.
"What the hell kinda gun is this anyway?" Jayne asked, examining the large, white device on his arm.
"I highly recommend you to not use that unless you know for sure what it does."
Jayne shot it at a white-paneled wall, causing a blue oval circle to appear on it.
"Jayne! You got a problem with your ears?"
"Damn. What the gorram hell kind of projection is that?"
Mal looked at it thoughtfully and tried to come up with an answer to Jaynes question, but had nothing to tell him.
"There's another trigger in here too. Wonder what that does."
He fired the gun and shot a second, purple oval circle beside it, only now he could see through both circles as if they were mirrors of some sort. Mal blinked and walked over to the blue oval. He looked at it thoughtfully before checking his pockets.
"What're you doing Mal?"
"Looking for something to throw at it."
"Oh."
He put down the gun and stripped off his orange, Aperture Science jacket and tossed it at Mal.
"Damn uncomfortable anyway. Go ahead."
"Thanks."
Mal tossed it at the blue oval... and watched it go through and out of the purple oval. He blinked.
"Huh."
"What?" Jayne asked, confused.
"I think you made a portal Jayne," Mal said.
He stuck his hand through the blue oval and watched it come out of the purple oval with a laugh.
"Would you look at that?" he said.
With a grin, he jumped through the blue oval and came out of the purple one.
"Woaah! That was neat," he said with a grin.
"Well that's just gorram weird," Jayne said, frowning down at the portal gun and picking it back up to put on his arm.
"This is awesome!" Mal said, going through the purple portal and coming out of the blue portal before looking down at his own gun.
He shot an orange portal into the wall and then a red portal next to a ledge leading to two sliding metal doors. Quickly, he jumped through one portal and out the other before walking to the edge of the ledge, leaning down to look at Jayne.
"Jayne! Come on. I think we're supposed to go through these doors."
"This sucks," Jayne said, giving an annoyed look at his gun before going through the portals Mal created.
"What makes you say that?" Mal asked.
"Why couldn't we have just gotten a gun with bullets?"
They both stood in front of the sliding doors, which opened, leading into a pitch black room. Jayne raised an eyebrow.
"No way am I going in there," he said.
"Congratulations on completing your first test," said a robotic, female voice. "Please step into the next test chamber where you will be rewarded with grief counseling and cake."
"Who's that?" Mal asked, looking around to see where the voice came from.
"Did she say cake?" Jayne asked. "What kind of cake?"
"Black forest cake. The good stuff. It's still warm and moist. And it has cherries."
Jayne shrugged. "Well, I suppose."
"Jayne!" Mal said. "You're just going to follow some stranger's voice coming out of nowhere?"
"Well, I don't see much of an option Mal. It's not like there's doors leading to anywhere else. Besides, I'm awful hungry and that cake sure does sound good."
Jayne walked into the darkness and Mal ran after him. As soon as they went into the next room, the doors closed behind them, leaving them in pitch darkness.
"Deploying cake," called the voice, "In three... two... one."
The lights turned on and a party horn went off. Above their heads, a dispenser dropped down colorful confetti, but Jayne and Mal were too wide-eyed and shocked to really care about the confetti.
"I lied," the voice said, "There's no cake here, but there are turrets."
All around them were white, oval things on black legs with red eyes pointing beams right at them. Their sides opened up in unison and a chorus of child-like voices echoed the same thing at the exact same time.
"Target acquired."